(A/N): So I figured I'd upload this. I've been working on it for a while but I can't decide if I should end it with this (making it a oneshot) or if I should keep it going. My Beta couldn't decide either. So I figured I'd leave it you to you guys! (WARNINGS!) SWEARING AND SLIGHT ADULT SITUATIONS! All due to Romano I might add. Also I do not own anything!
Thinking of You
X~X~X
"Mein Liebe (1)…" Gilbert purred at him, "Come back to bed."
Roderiech stood and shook his head, "Nein. I need to.. I just need a minute. I'll be in my piano room."
Gilbert frowned, watching his lover disappear, before flopping back on the bed, trying to think about what he might have done wrong. Every night. Every night for months Roderiech had gotten out of bed as soon as they were done. He'd take a long shower and play piano into the early hours of the morning. Gilbert racked his brain. What was wrong? As far as he knew... Their sex life seemed awesome.
He scoffed, "It's him. The awesome me is... awesome in bed." He rolled over and fell asleep to the sound of the running water of the Austrian's shower.
X~X~X
(1) My love (German)
Roderiech stepped out of the shower an hour later. His skin was red and burned and yet the water was still not hot enough. He wiped the steam off the mirror and stared at himself. He looked the same as every night. Disgusting. Like some joke of nature. Someone that had betrayed everything they knew and loved.
He dressed quickly into pajamas and a dressing grown. The walk to his piano was automatic. He sat down slowly and opened the lid soundlessly. His fingers caressed the keys in reverie. Then he began to play.
It was freeing. He let out a sigh. The music filled his mind. He didn't have to know. He didn't have to think. All he saw was the music swirling and changing around him in a collage of beauty and mystery. His fingers ran along the keys in a flurry of motion and joy. His eyes slid shut. This… This is what he had been waiting for. The pure freedom of not having to remember.
A small smile pulled at his lips as the piece ended. He switched at another one that he knew from memory and listened. But the melody.. It was so familiar. His fingers faltered and hit a sour note. He remembered that piece.
"Play for me." The happy man grinned.
Roderiech frowned, a slightly amused twinkle in his eye, "I've just played. Wouldn't you rather do something else?"
Large arms wrapped around his waist, "No. Nothing else would please me like hearing you play." Roderiech inhaled the man's scent. Smoky… Like wood. And the sweet crisp smell of tomatoes.
"Very well." He smiled and played another song for his beloved.
He shook his head, trying desperately to get that man out of his mind. But he would never leave. He was always at the back of his mind. And while Roderiech was with his boyfriend… Feeling his touch, kissing his lips… He only thought of.. All he could think of…
"Anton.." He whispered in a broken voice and let his head fall on to his piano.
X~X~X
Antonio frowned, carefully dicing the tomato on his cutting board into perfect cubes, when his phone buzzed. He smiled when he saw the text was from Lovino.
"Oh~. What's that little nino(2) up to?"
Lovi: 'Hey bastard. I'm... I'm ready.'
Antonio's eyebrow knit together as he typed out a response quickly.
Toni: 'Dinner is not ready yet. Tomate sauce takes longer.'
Lovi: 'Ugh! No… I mean.. Never mind. I'll be over there in a minute.'
Antonio shrugged and placed his phone on the counter. He had just finished tossing the last of the tomatoes into the sauce when he heard someone enter his house. Smiling, he wiped his hands on a dish towel and went to greet his friend.
"Lovi!" He extended his arms to embrace the young man. But Lovino just scowled at Antonio before plopping down on the couch. The older man rolled his eyes and went back into the kitchen.
"I'm making spaghetti with tomate sauce!" He said cheerfully.
No answer.
"I hope you like it. I used tomates from my garden."
Still no answer.
He looked up, "Lovino?"
"Cosa,(3) bastard?"
"¿Estás bien?(4)" He asked with concern.
"Si.." Lovino said shakily, shifting on the couch a little, "But.. I came here for a reason."
Tonio smiled at him, "For food? Why didn't you bring your brother then?"
Lovino huffed angrily, "This has nothing to do with that Feliciano! And why do you want to see him anyway?! I say 'Hey Tonio, I'm coming over for dinner.' You always say, 'Aww~. That's great! Bring your brother.'" He stood up and walked to the taller man. "Why can't it just be me?!"
Antonio blinked at him, confused by the harshness of his words, "Because I always make enough for at least three. I don't know how to cook any other way."
"Oh." Lovino bit his lip, hiding his face in crook of his arm.
"Aww~!" Tonio grinned, walking out of the kitchen to look at the boy closer. Gently he stroked the young man's cheek, "Is mi tomate(5) blushing? That's so cute!"
Lovino caught his hand in his, looking deeply into his green eyes, "I'm ready, Tonio."
Antonio smiled, "I know. Dinner is almost ready."
"No." He squared his shoulders to face the taller man, "For you." He kissed Antonio without hesitation. The older man's green eyes widened in shock as Lovino's lips moved against his. He pushed him away quickly, "Lovi! What are you doing?!"
"Fulfilling your ever fantasy," The young man spoke in a low sultry voice, stepping closer.
Antonio pushed him away again, "Stop!"
Lovino scowled, his eyes showing more hurt than he would ever let on, "I-I.. I thought you loved me?"
Antonio backed up, putting a hand over his mouth, shaking his head with wide eyes, "No.. I.. I love you like a son, Lovi."
Fury flashed across his face as he wiped away anger tears, "A son?! You love me like a fucking son?! What the hell?!" He slapped Antonio. The older man just stood there as Lovino pummeled him.
"How the fuck do you see me as son?!" He punched Antonio square in the jaw, knocking him to the floor. Lovino pounced on top of him, hitting his chest with furious fists, "I'm going to kill you for this!"
Antonio lay there, watching him bruise every inch of his body. He didn't do anything. He didn't stop him until Lovino leaned down and whispered in his ear.
"Want to know what you are missing, bastard? Would you ever do this with your son?" The smaller man ground his hips down expertly against the Spaniard's. Antonio's hands flew up. He shoved Lovino off of him and stumbled to his feet.
Glaring down at the boy who looked so young and childish, he grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and dragged his across the floor. He ignored the shouts and curses from Lovino, flinging him out the door.
"No, Lovi." He spoke softly, closing the door on the Italian's infuriated face. He sighed. He always did this. Unrequited feelings. The two words that summed up his entire life. He was always oblivious to them. If someone loved him, he would never know. And if he loved someone, they would never feel the same way. There was only one person who he could ever want… And that was never going to happen. Not again.
Antonio walked back into his kitchen to see that his food was ready. Fanastico. Another meal alone. He bit his lip, looking at his cellphone. He… He could call him. Just as friends. He picked up the mobile and deftly dialed the number he knew from memory. But different memories stopped him from hitting the call button.
"Just get out of here, Antonio!" Roderiech screamed at him.
"I... I had to, Rodrigo." He stammered.
The Austrian looked at him with pure hatred in his eyes, "Go. Now!"
Antonio turned his back and walked out. He walked away before he saw the tears drip down from his husband's face. Antonio slipped out of the house soundlessly, clutching the papers in his hands. Papers he had tried to give Roderiech. He had been forced to… It had to be done. Divorce papers.
He couldn't… He couldn't do that to Roderiech again. But he needed someone. He needed someone to be there. Another meal alone… No.
Antonio dropped the phone and before he knew what he was doing he opened to the door. Lovi was still huddled outside, angry tears rolling down his face.
"You bastard!" He shot up and ran to Tonio, fists at the ready. Antonio caught his hands and pinned him against the wall. He closed his eyes and kissed the young man deeply, trying not to imagine a different brunette in his place.
"Mi tomate." He broke the kiss and rested his forehead on the other man's. His eyes were still closed and he listened to the deep, shocked breaths that accompanied his own, "Te amo. (6)"
"Ich liebe dich…(7)"
He eyes shot open, "¿Qué? (8)"
Lovi looked into his eyes with his soft, loving brown ones, "Ti amo(9), Tonio."
"Si…" Antonio's face paled as he realized, "O-of course.. Te amo, Lovino." Lovino. He repeated it over and over in his head. Lovino. He loved Lovino.
"Now…" A wicked smile fell across Lovino's lips, "Let me show you how much you're going to pay for earlier." He pulled him into another passionate kiss. Tonio's lips faltered against the boy's until Roderiech's words rang through his memory.
"Just get out of here, Antonio! Go. Now!"
His arms wrapped tightly around Lovino and he allowed the young man to push him into his house and kick the door shut.
X~X~X
(2) boy (Spanish)
(3) What? (Italian)
(4) Are you okay? (Spanish)
(5) My Tomato (Spanish)
(6) I love you. (Spanish)
(7) I love you. (German)
(8) What? (Spanish)
(9) I love you. (Italian)
"Yo dudes!" America exclaimed in the middle of a world conference, "I think I finally figured out why you guys don't like coming to my country for these stupid meetings! But I assure you that I will make it so that you can still focus on your boring business even though being in such an awesome place might be distracting!"
There was a moment of silence.
"Right-o," Sighed Britain, "Now that he's done with that I think we should get back to our 'boring business'."
America pouted at his older brother who just rolled his eyes.
"Can you stop that? That is distracting."
"Vee~. Leave him alone, England. He's just happy because he has a little bambino(10) on the way! It's going to be so cute! Can I babysit?! I asked Doitsu if I could have a bambino! But he said no… He said I'm a boy." The excitable Italian paused for breath.
America smiled in spite of himself and was about to speak before his wife interjected.
"Italy. If you make another reference to my pregnancy I will have to leave." Belarus scowled, "I can't stand all the… cuteness."
"Baby…" America drawled, "They're just happy for us."
"Da, Natalya." Russia scowled, "You'll make an excellent mother. Your child will thrive with parents that are the have the emotional capacity of an iceberg." He looked at her husband, "And a puppy."
Belarus rubbed at her swollen stomach nervously and America ground his teeth. There was a tense quiet moment until North Italy exclaimed.
"I like puppies! They are so nice and cuddly and furry and happier the kitty cats. But I love kitty cats too! They can be so..."
Antonio didn't hear the rest of his ramblings because a voice whispered in his ear.
"Bastard… What do you want to do after the meeting?" Lovino mumbled, nipping at him ear a little.
Tonio shrugged him off and hissed quietly, "Lovi! Stop! We are in public. I…"
The Austrian across the table caught his eye and Tonio stopped himself midsentence. His hands came up to cups Lovino's face and their lips collided. Tongues clashed and the Italian's nails scratched at his bicep in approval. When they broke apart a couple seconds later, silence had fallen.
Most of the countries were shaking their heads and half of them looked offended.
"Uncool, you guys." America complained.
"Totally," said Poland.
"Well, I think it's awesome." Prussia pounded his fist on the table, "Lovino finally has someone whipped. Don't you think, Roddy?"
Austria took a deep breath, "Ja… Ja, of course." He looked up with a shaky smile, "Congratulations, Romano."
Antonio avoided the Austrian's look. Out of every country… Roderiech was the only one who looked… Hurt.
"Veee~" North Italy cried, "Finally my brother has someone to make the sex with other than me!"
Germany patted his boyfriend on the back.
Italy turned to him and mumbled, "Did I say something wrong, Doitsu?"
"Ja… A lot." He said with a shake of his head.
Austria stood up and directed his words to Japan, who was supposed to be leading the meeting but was far too quiet to be heard over all the shouting of the other nations, "I would take my leave."
Japan nodded and Austria left without another word. Antonio looked at his back in panic as the man exited the room but it was too late for to him to say anything. He sighed, ignoring the fact that Lovino had slipped his hand into his, and looked at Prussia. He was smiling, not even fazed by his boyfriend's disappearance. The 'awesome' country leaned over and muttered something in German in Switzerland's ear. Switzerland grimaced and scooted away, covering Liechtenstein's ears with him gloved hands.
Antonio shot up out of his seat, as red as a tomato. He was shaking with utter rage. While he was married to Roderiech he had learned German and was still nearly fluent. Prussia had said something to the effect of 'It should be good when we get home. He's fantastic in bed when he's angry.'
"I'll be leaving now too, gracias." He spoke to Japan in a tone that was not even close to a request for permission. Dropping Lovino's hand quickly, he strode out of the room, slamming the doors behind him. All he could see was the image of Gilbert taking Roderiech home and… And doing things to him. And…
He took deep, angry breaths. He'd never been more furious in his life and he didn't know why. Why should he care what they do? Why should that make him so angry?! A red hot fury was threatening to burst out of him. Quickly he ran to the nearest restroom and locked the door after him.
Splashing water on his face from one of sinks in a row, Antonio looked in the mirror. He saw himself. He saw a person that could never have what he wanted. He saw a person that should have never wanted it to begin with.
His fists balled up and he spat water at his reflection, "Gilipollas!(11)"
X~X~X
(10) Baby (Italian)
(11) Loosely translated as Asshole/Bastard (Someone who pisses you off) but in this case he's talking to himself
"You have no idea what's in store for you when we get out of this place." Gilbert whispered in his ear, placing his hand on his boyfriend's thigh.
"Ja…" Roderiech answered with disinterest, "Should be gut(12)."
"It is…" The man's hand shifted to the crouch of his trousers.
Austria jumped back, hissing, "What do you think you are doing?!"
Gilbert frowned, "Touching my boyfriend inappropriately in an inappropriate setting."
Roderiech took a deep breath, shaking his head, trying to find the words to explain the situation to the stubborn nation. But Prussia cut him off.
"Why do you always do this, Roddy?!" He looked at the man in confusion, "Always. Whenever I try to… Touch you. Do anything. You always pull away. What is it? Just tell me."
Roderiech shook his head, tapping his pen on the table, "Nein... I don't—"
"You do!" Gilbert insisted in a low voice, "The only time we… The only time you don't flinch is when you're angry."
He opened his mouth to respond, but he closed it. His violet eyes flickered up to green ones across the table. Antonio's eyes widened and he looked back at the Italian next to him. He brought his hands up to cup Lovino's face and kissed him with a passion Roderiech hadn't seen in the Spaniard since… Since the last night they were together.
The breath caught in his throat as he stared at them. He heard mingled noises of disapproval and shock from all of the nations gathered but all he could see was Antonio kissing another man. His Antonio. His Anton.
"Well, I think it's awesome." Gilbert said enthusiastically, "Lovino finally has someone whipped. Don't you think, Roddy?"
He closed his mouth, swallowing but his throat was completely dry, "Ja… Ja, of course." He mustered a face that looked like a smile, "Congratulations, Romano."
He just stared. What could he do? It was over. Roderiech heard Feliciano babbling on but did not truly listen to the words. Antonio wouldn't look at him, but Romano did. South Italy gave him a wicked smirk and mouthed the words, "He's mine now."
Roderiech stood up, almost knocking over his chair, "I would take my leave." He exclaimed as a last ditch effort. The taciturn Japan nodded at him. Shakily he walked out of the room, careful not to say another word.
He walked briskly to the nearest room, a bathroom, and collapsed. Tears streamed down his face. Aloud sob ripped through his throat and hid his face in his coat.
'He's mine now.'
It was true. Anton was done with him. He had said move on… But where was he supposed to go? Back into the arms of Gilbert? Roderiech shuddered. Every time he saw the albino, he felt… so dirty. But when he saw Romano with… Antonio. They were different. The Spaniard looked happy. He finally looked happy. He wasn't thinking of anyone else. Not like when Roderiech was with Gilbert.
The Austrian heard a shout and the slam of a door. Quickly he slipped into one of the stalls, trying to quiet himself. Wiping his eyes on his cravat, he listened to the approaching footsteps. The door banged open and there was a grunt before the faucet turned on for just a moment. The running water stopped and one word was uttered with so much hatred and loathing that Roderiech could scarcely believe that it came from the person whose voice it was.
"Gilipollas!"
Roderiech stopped breathing and turned his head so that he could see the man through the crack in the stall. Antonio's back was to him with his head hung over the sink. He was mumbling to himself in Spanish before he looked up at his reflection.
"You… Disgust me." He spat the words at himself in the mirror, "Look at you… You are nothing. You are just a man dating a boy… A boy that repulses you." His hand balled into a fist and he punched the mirror. His reflection shattered and he shouted, "When you love someone else! Someone you can't have! What's wrong with you?!" He looked deeply into his green eyes and in a broken voice whispered, "What's wrong with me…?"
Roderiech inhaled sharply, trying to make sense of everything he had heard. He… hated being with Romano?
Antonio whipped around at the sound, "Who's there?!"
He held his cravat to his mouth to stifle his breath.
"Had a good time watching me?!" Antonio's anger was directed at the stalls now and he walked toward them, his hand dripping blood on the linoleum, "'Oh, there is pathetic Tonio! Let's watch him! Let's see him suffer! Let's see him break down!'" He kicked in one of the stalls but it was empty, "Well I'm here! Come laugh in my face! Come out here and tell me how I should get over him!" He kicked in another empty one. "Tell me that he's gone! Tell me that Roderiech is gone!" He kicked in a third and stopped short.
He stared at the man in shock, his jaw open to shout again.
Roderiech stood up, drying his eyes on his cravat once more before clearing his throat, "Antonio."
Antonio swallowed, "R-Roderiech.."
The Austrian stared at his ex-husband for a moment more, "Well… I'm sorry that I overheard your private… ramblings. I should be getting back to the meeting." He pushed passed the man and walked quickly to the door. A strong tanned hand caught his wrist.
"… Bello.(13)" Antonio whispered.
"Nein. Stop." Roderiech didn't look back, "It never happened." He tried to pull away but Antonio's hand held his wrist tighter.
"Please…" Something trickled down Roderiech's hand. He looked down to see blood running down the Spaniard's sleeve.
"Anton! Your hand." He turned and brought the hand up for his inspection. It wasn't bleeding much but he heard Antonio inhale sharply at his touch. He looked up into those sparkling green eyes and adjusted his glasses, "What is it…?"
Antonio smiled, "You called me Anton."
Roderiech tensed up as the man brought his hand up to his lips and pressed a soft kiss on it, never breaking eye contact.
"Anton.." He whispered before shaking his head and snatching his hand back, "Antonio. We are done… I'm with…" He swallowed, "I'm with Gilbert."
Antonio turned away, "Lo siento.(14) Forgive me… I-I.. Si." He turned back around and bit his lip, avoiding Roderiech's violet eyes, "I should leave you to…" He paused, looking into the Austrian's face carefully, "Wh-What were you doing in here?"
Roderiech's eyes widened and he covered his tear streaked face, "Nothing.. I was just…"
A firm hand lifted his chin up and piercing eyes scrutinized his face, "Bello.. Were you..?"
He stomach filled with butterflies as he tried to move away, but Tonio pulled him closer, "Were you crying?" Carefully him removed his glasses and studied his violet eyes intensely. He was only inches away.
Roderiech's lips collided with Antonio's. A stunned second passed before they embraced tightly and everything else was forgotten. Their kiss deepened and Roderiech moaned into Tonio's lips as the taller man pressed him against the wall. Lips moved together in a familiar and new rhythm. Bodies fit together perfectly in a rough, tender way. He gripped at the Spaniard's back as lips traveled down Roderiech's neck and toward the open collar of his jacket. Roderiech's calloused fingers crept up to entwine themselves in Antonio's tangled mop of black hair.
"Anton…" He moaned. Roderiech's eyes flew open and he shoved Antonio off him.
Antonio stumbled back a few steps and looked up at the man, "What..? I…"
"Nein!" Roderiech screamed at him, "You… You were done with me! You said… We said 'goodbye'!" His eyes flitted to the door in panic. Gilbert was just in the other room. He looked back and whispered in a stern voice—an anger he didn't understand just bubbling under the surface, "This never happened."
"Bello…" Antonio pleaded with him, taking another step forward, "Bello… Te amo…"
Roderiech stalked over to the door, shooting a glance over his shoulder that he hoped was steelier than his wavering emotions, "Auf Wiedersehen(15), España.(16)"
He slammed the door behind him, his heart full of regret. He leaned against the wall and whispered into the door; tears brimmed in his eyes, "Ich liebe dich auch (17), Anton…"
X~X~X
(12) Good (German)
(13) (Bello) Beautiful. (Spanish) I know… Technically it's an adjective and no normal person would ever use it as a nickname… But Antonio is no normal person. :)
(14) I'm sorry. (Spanish)
(15) Goodbye (German)
(16) Spain (Spanish)
(17) I love you too. (German)
(A/N): So what do guys think? Do you want it to end with that? Or do you want more? Review or PM me with your answer!