Disclaimer and A/N - I don't own Bishoujo Senshi Seeraa Muun or any of the hot characters :-:coughHarukacough:-:
This is my first post in a long time so any comments would be awesome. Flames are also welcome if the collective intelligence of your brain cells cannot shape your thoughts into a constructive form :-:Grin:-:
Enjoy!
Breaking The Habit
"Ami! C'mon hurry up!" Rei cried knocking heavily on the door.
"Just one moment." Ami called back. She eased her shirt onto her shoulders and did it up slowly, biting back the pain.
"Just hurry! Usagi is in the other bathroom and I need to go!" Rei pleaded. Ami straightened her shirt and composed herself before she opened the door. Rei stood there looking relived.
"Thank god!" she cried pushing past Ami. The blue haired girl quickly stepped out of the bathroom before the door slammed behind her. Looking up and down the maroon hallway, first towards the bedrooms then back towards the living room, Ami decided if she wanted to go to sleep or just talk with the others. She finally decided that she was still too wired from the last battle to sleep so she opted for the living room. Walking in her gaze flicked quickly around the room.
Haruka and Michiru sat close on the tiny love seat by the window, holding each other and staring out into the rain, completely oblivious to everything else. Minako had Artimis in her lap and was stroking him slowly as she and Makoto talked animatedly about the battle that was still fresh in their minds.
"Hi Ami! Come talk with us." Minako waved enthusiastically patting the seat beside her. Ami nodded and barely held back a wince of pain as the cuts on her back jerked. She walked over and sat next to Minako smiling as brightly as she could. Making sure that her back didn't touch the couch.
"We were just comparing battle scars." Minako explained. "I think that the second time Usagi got pummelled – you know, when she was thrown against that building? – I said that that was better then the one that Rei got when she was thrown over to the bridge."
"Rei went further." Makoto said defensively.
"Yeah but Usagi got hurt more. Rei was able to grab a hold of one of the suspension wires. She didn't even bleed." Minako pointed out.
"Her gloves were ripped to shreds though; you have to take that into account." Makoto said.
"I think Ami had both Rei and the Princess beat hands down last battle though." Artimis said. Ami shifted uncomfortably under the gaze of the feline and the girls.
"Really? I didn't see Ami get hit." Minako said.
"Oh yes. She took a hard fall and stood back up again." Artimis said nodding.
"Well? What happened?" Makoto asked. Ami tried to push the memories back, but all she did was make them blurry and more horrifying. She had been so helpless.
"I fell." Ami said quickly. "I slipped and fell off of the top of the pharmacy. That is all. Nothing as glorifying as Usagi or Rei." She continued trying to shift the focus from her and back to the others. Makoto looked at her warily and it was all Ami could do not to squirm openly under her gaze. Minako however looked at her in awe.
"Yushima Pharmacy is three storied tall!" she shrieked.
"It wasn't too bad. I fell into some bushes so I was fine." Ami answered looking at Minako, glad for a distraction from Makoto's eyes. Ami could see in her eyes that the Senshi of Jupiter knew that something had happened.
"Wow I bet you are in a bit if pain right now huh?" Minako asked. Ami nodded mutely still feeling Makoto's green eyes on her.
"How did you slip exactly?" Makoto asked, looking at her closely. Ami swallowed. She should tell them, it would be so much easier not to bare the burden herself. To ask for their help. But they wouldn't understand. She felt the bandages on her back become wet. She must have torn them open again.
Memories consume, like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
She couldn't tell them that she had…
"Ami? Are you alight?" Minako's voice dragged her roughly back into reality. The girls were all looking at her anxiously; even Haruka and Michiru were giving her worried looks from across the room.
"I'm fine; I'm just a bit exhausted. Perhaps I will go get some sleep." She lied, standing.
"That sounds like a good idea Ami. If you need anything you just call okay?" Minako said kindly. Ami could only give a little nod and left quickly to get away from their stares. She passed the open door to the bath room and stopped for a second before she ducked in, getting the first aid kit.
She closed the door to her room and sat on the bed, burying her face in her hands. She would be safe in here if she pretended to be asleep. They would all leave her alone, thinking she needed her rest from the fight.
You all assume, I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
She loved being one of the Senshi. It was her life now. Her friends and her power protected the people of this world and she would fight until the last breath in her body to keep doing so.
'But why? Why couldn't I just be normal?' She thought suddenly. She rubbed her arms, suddenly feeling a chill. 'Why can't I just have a normal life at least some of the time? I though I was strong enough but I'm not. Not really. I don't want to be the one who does the fighting.'
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'I… I want to be normal, but I also want to be Sailor Mercury. But I can't be just one. I have to be both… Don't I?'
'Cause inside I realise
That I'm the one confused
'Why am I Mercury? To save people yes, but why else? Usagi and Mamoru have Chibi Usa to think of. And Minako and Rei have their families. Even Haruka and Michiru have each other. I have nothing sincemother died.' Ami suddenly felt cold all over, a familiar hole opened in her heart. One she hadn't felt for a while. 'Ever since she died I felt hollow, but I thought that the feeling would heal over time.' She gasped as the pain in her chest grew. 'Why do I fight if I have nothing to fight for?' She asked herself.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
'All I am doing is hurting people. I yelled at Minako just the other day. Over something so petty I yelled at her so much. I had apologised, but she had brushed it off so easily, saying that I just needed time.'
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
'Time is not what I need. Time is what has sent me down this path. Time has eaten me from the inside, letting the cold take me over. And I don't know why.'
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
'There is one way to stop the pain. There is one. Remove the source.' Ami started to sob.
So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
"Ami?" A soft knock came from the door. Ami jumped and the first aid kit fell from her lap, cracking it open and spilling the contents over the floor.
"Are you okay? What was that?" the person asked. It was Makoto. The one person who could stop her from doing what she needed to do. All that the brunette needed to do was ask her to stay and Ami would. She could not deny Makoto anything. Ami snatched up some bandages and ran to the door, putting her foot against it. Even with her size Makoto would not be able to get in. It was sheer physics. She hurriedly wiped away her tears with one hand, the other holding the bandages.
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
"It was just the bed side lamp. You startled me is all." Ami said through the door, trying to mask her strained voice. There was silence and Ami hoped that the other girl would just walk away.
"Are you crying Ami?" Makoto asked softly. Ami's heart hitched in her throat. Another tear escaped her eyes and she scrubbed them roughly with the heel of her palm. Why did she have to come here now? This was the right decision she knew it. No matter how much it hurt she had to do it.
"Ami let me in." Makoto said. Ami started. How had she known that she had the door jammed? "Please?" She asked. Ami couldn't say no. She moved her foot.
I hurt much more
Then any time before
I have no options left again
Makoto opened the door slowly; taking in the room before her eyes finally fell on Ami.
"Ami?" Makoto asked. Ami looked at the floor, suddenly feeling ashamed. "Ami are you hurt?" Makoto continued.
'If only you knew.' Ami thought, biting her lower lip. Makoto took a step towards her. It was meant to be a comforting gesture but Ami shrunk back in a vain attempt to keep Makoto away. If the other girl got close enough Ami knew that she would feel safe. She always did. And if she felt that way she would cry and cry and never stop.
"Ami what is it? Where are you hurt?" Makoto asked.
"M-my back." Ami choked out. Makoto took another cautious step towards Ami but Ami moved back further.
"I don't know why you won't let me near you Ami but I want to help you. Please. You are in pain." Makoto said earnestly. Ami looked up at the otherScout. Her eyes were filled with sadness and pain. Ami could see how Makoto's feelings were hurt by her behaviour. Ami rocked slightly on her feet.
"It was another monster. Haruka said I should go to the roof. So I would be safe, but be in a good position to analyse the monster thatyou allvanquished. But the other was waiting for me. It – It attacked me and I was hurt badly along my back. I was too weak and I couldn't beat it alone. I knew I would die if I stayed there with it so I jumped." Makoto's eyes widened at this. "I remembered the big bushes that Mrs Yushima planted and I jumped to get away from one monster. Just one." Ami looked directly into Makoto's eyes. I cannot be a true Senshi if I am so easily over come." She finished.
"Ami that isn't true! You are Sailor Mercury and no one else c-"
"No Makoto. I can't be. A Sailor is a powerful being who can take care of herself. It is this strength that lets her protect people. Hell I don't even know if I want to protect them anymore!" Ami snapped.
"What?" Makoto asked in disbelief. Ami bit her lip realising how that had sounded.
"I didn't mean it like that. I meant that I don't know why I fight anymore."
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
"I don't know why I risk myself. Usagi and Mamoru have Chibi Usa. Minako has her father. Setsuna has Hotaru. Rei has her grand farther. Heck even Haruka and Michiru have each other and they are the most distant of all of us. I just don't know why Makoto."
'Cause inside I realise
That I'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
"What about me Ami?" Makoto asked quietly. "What do I fight for?"
Ami blinked at the question. She had never even considered Makoto. She had always just seen her as a warrior for good. Never fighting for any selfish reasons. Ami tried to think of anything to say but nothing came.
"You aren't the only Senshi to have lost her way. I know that at first we all fought for peace but later we all had to have something else to hold on to. You held onto your mother. Protecting her was your purpose. But now that she is gone your purpose is gone. I know you are sick of waiting but it takes time. Time and patience will let you find happiness and intention." Makoto laid a hand on Ami's shoulder and the younger girl couldn't take it any more. She wrapped her arms around Makoto and held onto her, crying hard into her chest.
"I'm sorry." Ami sobbed.
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
"I'm sorry I screwed up. I'm sorry I'm so weak. I'm so sorry I can't be a powerful Sailor like you and the others." She wept.
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
"Don't go Ami. The world needs you. We need you." Makoto pleaded.
"I cant." Ami replied.
So I'm breaking the habit, breaking the habit
Tonight
"I might be smart; but one day you will need me to be powerful and it is that day Ill get you all killed. I know it and I won't deny it."
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
"If I don't fight anymore I can renounce my powers. They will pass to another. Most likely someone more powerful. More useful. I won't fight ever again. This is my choice."
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
"Ami you may not be a fighter but you are powerful. Probably the most powerful. We all may be strong but none of us are anywhere near your smarts. You have saved us in battles so many times I stopped counting long ago. You are one of a kind in our ranks and we cannot lose you. Please don't leave." Makoto begged the crying girl. Ami bit back her feelings. She wanted nothing more then to stay but she knew that this was the only way to protect the other Senshi. Makoto took her silence with a quiet hope and started to talk again.
"What if the person who Mercury chooses to be the next Scout isn't as smart as you? What if the thing that saves us in the future are your brains not their brawn? God Ami, you were chosen to be a Scout because it is your destiny."
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
"Ami please. If you go the Scouts will lose two members. Not one." Makoto whispered.
"What?" Ami asked.
"You had your mother to keep you going Ami. I had no family. No one to protect. No one but you. I – I love you Ami. I have ever since the first time I saw you with Luna. With all my heart. Just being near you gets my heart to race. When we fight I fight to protect you and your future. When you are around me everything else just seems to fade away." Makoto said in a low voice. Ami felt her heart pull at her words. Makoto loved her? And for that long? How could she Ami had not have noticed? She always paid attention to every movement Makoto made. They were the best of friends so Ami always found herself unable to disregard the other girl's presence. And when Makoto wasn't there she always felt a little sadder then normal. That was why she felt so close to the Sailor Scout of Jupiter. Ami suddenly realised what she was thinking to herself in a flash of colours.
'Oh my God.' Ami thought. Her breath barely came to her as she opened her mouth to speak.
"When ever you are around me you lose all ability to say 'no'." Ami whispered.
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
"Yeah." Makoto blushed deeply at Ami's accurate words.
"I know how you feel." Ami told the taller girl. Makoto looked at her in shock. Ami continued to talk, unable to stop. "I never understood why I could never say no to you Makoto. It always made me nervous that I know that you like pink, and cherry pie, and you like to write in blue ink instead of black. I thought it was just because we were best friends. But I think I finally realise why they say you never know you are in love until you are too deep to get out." Makoto didn't answer her with words. She silently took up Ami's hand and laced their fingers, a warm smile on her face.
"I've found my purpose Makoto and if I don't believe in it then I'll never become stronger."
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
"I love you Makoto."
So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
A/N - The song I used is Linkin Park's Breaking The Habit; track nine on their album Meteora