My name is Bella Swan and I am awkward. I am also clumsy, and shy and constantly at a loss for words. I don't know how to describe myself other than a girl who has just consumed two dinner rolls and a bottle of sweet tea, is in the middle of a quarter life crisis, and has her annoying boyfriend's texts buzzing her phone. It's not that I don't love him. I do. But sometimes being far away from him, and being surrounded by GUYS, not boys…makes me wonder what I'm missing out on. So when Jake's name flashes on my phone for the tenth time in fifteen minutes, accompanied by a cheesy text, I pick it up and call him.
"Jake, what do you want? I'm trying to study." Study. Sort out this mess of thoughts in my head.
"I just missed hearing your voice. I haven't talked to you in a few days. Bells, is something wrong?"
I close my eyes and take a breath. This is the conversation I've been dreading having. It's finally here, it has to be now, and I can feel the words beginning to spill out of my mouth.
"Jake…do you ever think this long distance thing just might not be worth it?"
"Of course it's worth it, babe. What are you talking about?"
"I mean, I'm here in Seattle and you're 3 hours away in Forks. You never visit me. I spend all of my time here, missing you. What's the point?" My heart ached at these words.
"The point is that when you're out of college and I'm-"
"You're what? Done fixing up cars? Then we can finally be together? What about my four years of graduate school? We are wasting our lives waiting around for something that, when it happens, might not even work! I don't know. I just don't know if I can see this working. I don't think…I don't think you have what I need anymore."
"So that's it, then? You are giving up on four years together, just like that."
My voice rose shrilly. "Four years of what though? Puppy love? Fumbling around in the back seat of my truck? Two of those years have been spent apart, Jake! I just feel like this is holding me back-" from who I want to become. But I won't tell him that.
"Is there someone else?"
"No." Not yet, anyway. "Jake, please. Just…give me some time."
"Bella, I love you. I love you, please. You're killing me here. Do you want me to come see you?"
If he came, all of my old feelings for him would rush back. I would take him back, video games and cheap stuffed teddy bears and all. No question. This wasn't an issue of me being over Jake. It was an issue of me needing something new and exciting. I'd been with the same person for so long, when most people my age were enjoying their college experience- experiencing new things, making friends, meeting guys- I was stuck in a relationship with a boy who couldn't let go of his childhood. I had become a hermit, wasting my nights waiting for him to call. I never wanted to be this girl, and now I have to change. I want to meet a man, someone dangerous and sexy and exciting but fiercely loyal. I want to have adventures and make best friends to drink with and cry with and I want to be proud of my life, even if that means severing ties with everything I've ever known before. I am tired of staying in and reading and pretending like this is what I want. Tired of texting Jake and listening to his mushy romantic shit. I'm not happy with my life right now, so why not change it? They say it's never too late to be who you might have been.
So I hang up on Jake and turn off my phone. "Tomorrow is the first day of my life," I tell myself, as bittersweet tears run down my cheeks and wash away the girl Bella Swan used to be.