Survivors Guilt.
I hear my friends laughing and joking as I enter the restroom. Turning on the faucet and starting to wash my hands of the ketchup Kelly had so kindly had squirted at me, whilst I wasn't paying attention. The door chimes caught my attention. Then all that could be heard was the silence, no more laughing only the screaming that had so suddnely replaced it.
I heard a shot, then another, and another and another. I curled up into a ball and hoped that who ever was in the diner couldn't hear the faucet running or my sobs that were muffled by my arms.
I waited about 15 seconds before I carefully, as not to attract attention to myself, opened the restroom door. I saw a man with dark hair covered in blood and holding a shotgun which had small amounts of smoke dribbling from the barrel.
About 10 seconds later I heard the door chimes again. I don't remember what made me get up and walk back into the main area of the diner, when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sieze to exsist. But I guess growing up surrounded by older brothers, you already have that instinct and courage to go into places that you just know will cause you pain and nightmares. Summoning up that courage, I pulled open the heavy oak door and walked into the room to find my friends on the floor covered in blood, I saw Sarah the girl who worked there, on the floor behind the counter, surrounded by her own blood.
There was so much blood.
Slowly as the waves of tears, that had not stopped since the first shot resounded in my ears, I carefully stepped around the tables and I went to the counter and dialled 911.
The next 10 minutes passed by in a blurr, I vaguly remember being asked questions, that were given robotic responses, then being bundled into a police car by the first officer on scence who took my straight to the hospital. The hospital visit didn't last lonh once the doctor had found no injuries and then we got back into the squad car and headed back to Bozeman and eventually into the police station.
I remember sitting next to Detective Madison's desk and waiting for him to ask the question I knew were headsing my way and yet I still didn't know how I was going to answer them. I sparingly remember my parents coming into the bullpen to sit with me for the rest of my interview. Once that was done I remember being taken back to the ranch.
Once we were through the screen door my Mum immediatley was in the kitchen and cooking. Even though deep down I think she knew that I wouldn't want to be eating for quite a while. In that moment all I wanted to do was go up into my room and shut the world out so I could cry and not be judged, to get rid of this overwhelming guilt that had accumilated in my chest.
Breaking free from all the expectations that lay outside my bedroom door I let go all the pain I held within me. I heard the soft footfalls of my Mother as she made her way across the landing towards my room, I knew she was going to start and try to get me to eat something, but right now I can't even thin about food without my stomach churning.
" Lindsay, please you need to eat something if you keep this up you'll end up in the hospital. And I know that right now that is not want you want or need. So please Baby girl just try and eat something for me and Papa." She sounded so helpless and worried that I wish I could comply with her wishes, but eating was the last thing I did with my friends and it feels like I would be desicrating thier memory by eat without them. "No" I whispered to the closed door as after not using my voice for so long it was all scratchy and it hurt to talk. Once again I hear her footfalls on the hard wood flooring, that covered the halleay and stairs.
"I'm sorry MamaI just can't. I can't stomah it. It's all my fault if I hadn't insisted that we get something to eat ." I sobbed into the darkened room. "It's all my fault. It's all my fault." I chant to no one but my self.
Downstairs I can hear the clanking of plates that I guess now holds that dinner my Mum had tried to get to eat. They were acting as if nothing has happened and my friends weren't they were just enjoying a meal with their parents and that the killer wasn't still out there and on the run.
I wanted to scream at them for being so insensitive and uncaring asbout my feelings. So I storm downstairs, for the first time since we got back from the police station. Seething with anger.
"How can you just sit there and act as if nothing had happened. They are dead and all you can do it is sit and joke around as if i'm not going through hell wishing I hadn't dragged them into that shitty diner." I scream, though it did nothing for the weight I still felt on my chest. They are to shocked to say anything so I carry on. "You can't even begin to understand what i'm feeling and your just content to sit around and carry on as usual." I fell to the ground after using all the remaining I had screaming at the people sat around the kitchen table. The tears that threatened to fall earlier, burst from my eyes and the exhaustion of the past few days caught up with me, causing me to collapse and the only sound that could be heard were the heartbraking sobs that were rapidly escaping my exhausted body, with no indication that they were relenting.
"It's all my fault. I should have stayed out there with my friends. I should have never survived." I sobbed to my parents who were glued to their seats in shock and awe at how I acted. Slowly I heard a chair scrape away from the table edge and the person caustiously make their way across to me. Dropping to their knees, they gathered my in their arms. Finally feeling safe I allowed myself to cry out all the pain, guilt and grief I held within my heart for my 3 lost friends.
At some point I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I know i'm surrounded by my memories. In the 1 place i'm free of everything, free to not think and just remember.
Waking up after sleeping felt surreal I was am half expecting Kelly and Lacey to come in and wake me up, because God forbid I sleep past 10 in the morning. I hardly register my Father walking into my room, until he sat down on the bed ans started talking.
"Linds, Baby. We're sorry but you've got to understand even though thay are gone. They will always hold a place in your heart and memories. I'm sorry you had to be there, but I wouldn't change that you went to the bathroom for the world otherwise your Mother and me would also be without our beautiful daughter, i'm not apologsing for sounding selfish either. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you or any of your brothers." He ground out in the voice he used when I was younger and just had a nightmare and crawled into his and Mama's bed in the middle of the night. As he finished I lost control of the tears that were swimming in my eyes and they cascaded down my face unchecked and unashamed.
Maybe, jsu maybe, living without them wouldn't be that hard if my parents are behind me. I think I will be just fine given time, or so everybody says, well we'll see.