For a while after Toshiko and Owen died, Ianto tried not to let Jack out of his sight. As much as Jack tried to pretend that the two thousand years he spent buried alive never happened, and that he was fine, Ianto knew better. Jack would never let Gwen see, never wanted to worry her, but Ianto found him more than once in a state of near panic after he got into any situation in a dark or enclosed space. Even bedsheets were too much sometimes. The first time this had happened was only the night of Tosh and Owen's funerals…
Ianto's eyes were red from crying, and there were two wet spots near the collar of his shirt from where Gwen's tears had fallen when he had hugged her. Jack had excused himself after the service, and Ianto had not pressed him to stay. But after the few friends and family members the two deceased Torchwood members had still been in touch with had left, Ianto had waited until Rhys had led Gwen away before leaving for the Hub to find Jack.
He walked over to Jack's office, expecting to find the captain leaning over some papers, or looking at some of the remnants of files on Tosh and Owen's computers, or maybe even crying, but he wasn't in his office.
"Jack?" Ianto called, tiredly. It had been a long day, and he just wanted to sleep. He had no more tears to shed, his head hurt, his black suit was getting a bit too warm, and he needed some time with Jack that wasn't spent grieving. Ianto heard a strangled sounding gasp from the small room below Jack's office, and hurried down into the darkened living space. "Jack?" he said again, turning the light on. His heart sank.
Jack was curled up in the corner of the room, as tightly as seemed possible. His arms were wrapped around himself and his face was tucked into his hands. There were tears pouring down his face, and he seemed to be having trouble breathing.
"Oh…" Ianto murmured, dropping down next to him. "Jack?" he asked, rubbing Jack's shoulder gently. Jack did not acknowledge Ianto's presence, and that was when he knew it was bad. "Jack, listen to my voice. Listen to me, can you hear me? Come on, my cariad, you can do it, come back to me. Safe, you're safe."
Jack's breath caught in his throat. He let out a slight cough. "Iant-Ianto."
"That's right, I'm right here," encouraged Ianto.
Shaking his head, Jack coughed again. "N-no, but, you can't."
"Can't what?"
"C-can't be here, I can't breathe, it's all dark."
"No-no-no-no-no, it's okay, you're safe now. Come here, come here, hey." Ianto wrapped an arm around Jack and made him sit up against the wall. Jack pushed his arm away with a hoarse cry, and Ianto pulled back instantly. "Okay, that's fine," he reassured. "Jack, I want you to listen to me, okay? Where do you think you are?"
"I'm un-underground, I'm buried, y-you're j-just an illusion, wh-why can't you be real? Oh, god, I wish you were real, I don't want to be down here anymore, I want to be with you, please, let me get out, I c-c-can't breathe, I'm-" Jack couldn't even keep talking. He was hyperventilating and sobbing, a rather awful combination. He really was having trouble breathing, which only added to his panic.
Ianto stroked away his tears with the back of his hand. "Jack, listen to me, listen. I'm real, I'm real, I'm right here. Hey. Focus on me, okay? Do that for me, please. Do it for me." Ianto took Jack's wrist, rubbing his thumb in a circle over the pulse point. "Focus on me," he repeated.
Jack was trying, Ianto could tell. He was trying to slow his breathing. "Ianto."
"Yeah, I'm right here, it really is me. See, I turned the lights on, we're in your room under your office, we're in the Hub. You're safe, and everything's going to be okay."
"Th-the Hub?" said Jack, confused.
"Don't you remember coming back here after...after the funerals?"
Jack's tearstained blue eyes suddenly widened as he remembered, and his breathing quickened again.
"Shhshh, no, no, don't, shh," Ianto said helplessly. "Okay, okay, I know, come here, come here, I know. I've got you, come on, let's stand up, okay? Being down here isn't helping at all, I can tell, let's go outside for a little while, okay, out under the sky, there's lots of air to breathe, you can see the stars, the stars have come out by now." Ianto managed to get Jack up and out of the office and out of the Hub. He found them a bench to sit on nearby, and Jack practically collapsed onto it. Ianto sat next to him, placing one hand on his knee.
Jack looked up at the sky, taking deep, shuddering breaths as if trying to reassure himself that there was still air in the atmosphere. "Ianto...thanks."
"It helped?"
"Yeah. I'm-I'm back."
"That's good. You want to talk, or just sit?"
"Talk, please."
"Can I ask what triggered this, or…?" Ianto hesitated.
"I don't…"
"It's okay if you don't want to talk about that."
"I don't know," Jack finished. "I barely remember, past leaving the…and then I got to the Hub, and then...it's all, I guess, blurry, not really, but I don't know how to describe it."
"Just to clarify, you were flashing back to those two thousand years underground, yes?" Ianto made sure.
Jack reached for Ianto's hand before answering. "Yeah."
"I'm right here," Ianto told him, squeezing his hand. "Do you want to stop talking about it?"
Jack shook his head determinedly.
"Okay, then I'm going to keep asking questions, alright?"
"Yeah."
"Why have you been pretending you're okay?" Ianto asked, rather bluntly.
"Huh?"
"You're obviously not okay. I mean, I knew it was bad before tonight, because of course, no one, not even you could go through that without having some...but I didn't know it was this bad. It's been over a week since all of this happened. Why haven't you let me in before now?" Jack hesitated for so long Ianto began to worry. "Jack?"
"I wanted to pretend. I wanted to forget about all of it. 'The end is where we start from.' That's what I said, and I wasn't talking about only Owen and Tosh. I was talking about me, too. The end of my story with Gray. I have...I have a different kind of family now. I've got Gwen, and you. I wanted to pretend that none of it ever happened, to push it away. And...I didn't want to worry you or Gwen."
Ianto felt a pang of sorrow. "I understand that you don't want to worry Gwen, but...Jack, I don't ever want you to feel like you have to hide from me because you don't want me to worry. Has this, what just happened, has it happened before tonight?"
Jack didn't answer.
"How many times?"
"Three. Sort of four."
Ianto was shocked. "How did you manage to pull yourself out?"
"Honestly?"
"Yes."
"I'd pass out, I think, and I'd be...functioning when I woke up. Enough to get back to work."
"Oh, Jack." Ianto shook his head. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there."
"Don't be. You're here now, and...thank you."
"Absolutely welcome. But next time, I'm going to be there. If there is a next time, which we're going to try and make sure doesn't happen."
Jack laughed softly. "I hope that we can do that."
"May I suggest that you come home with me? Part of this might have had something to do with how small your room is, and that the Hub is underground, and my flat's little, but not that little. We'll keep a couple lights on."
Jack stood up shakily with Ianto's help. "Suggestion gladly accepted."
There were a couple moments in Ianto's car when he glanced over to see Jack white-knuckling the armrest, and had to reach over to touch his hand and say something softly, but they got to his flat without incident. Jack was practically falling asleep on his feet, so Ianto led him to the bedroom and handed him some pajamas the captain always left there and changing into pajamas himself. Leaving one lamp on, Ianto curled around Jack. Jack shifted so that his head rested on Ianto's chest, and the younger man wrapped his arms around the captain.
"You good?" Ianto checked.
"Mmhmm. Now I am."
"Good. Sleep, cariad. I've got you, sleep now." Ianto pressed a kiss to Jack's hair. "Sleep," he whispered.
So this is a thing I've been working on, because NO ONE could possibly go back to normal after that. Even Jack. And it's so ignored on the show, obviously. Anyway, I've been writing it. There's more. If you want it. It's totally up to you guys. I hope you enjoyed it! Please let me know. I love you!
~Clare