Summary: Third part in a series, following on from Close To Home and Long Journey Home. This takes place in an alternate world where Mattie never got hurt and Harm and Mac don't get moved to London or San Diego. The Shipper ending we were all hoping for still holds, though. Written in the third person pov.

Spoilers: None, but you have to read the first two stories in this series, if you want this to make any sense.

Disclaimer: JAG and its main characters belong to DPB and to CBS. I don't make any profit from writing any of these fics, but simply get to exercise my overactive imagination every now and then. Please don't sue me, as I'm poor with very little money!

Rating: Pretty much PG (T.) Sorry folks, but I think you'll like it anyway!

Category: H/M shipper.

Homeward Bound

Part 1

OOOOOOO

The silence of the room disconcerted Mac in a way that surprised her. She'd become so accustomed to the beeping and the other noises that came from the life support equipment over the past week that now she was painfully aware that it was gone. She shouldn't have felt this way, of course, for it was a good thing that Carol-Anne had been disconnected from the equipment. She was now breathing on her own; her body was functioning as it should have been; why wasn't she more settled about this? In a way, her anxiety levels had increased again to the point they had been when Carol-Anne was first admitted to hospital, because now that the girl didn't need all of that equipment, she would regain consciousness. And Mac didn't have any idea what she would say to her then, what she would do when the occasion required it. Carol-Anne had attempted to take her own life, had failed in the attempt and would now soon wake up and realize that for the first time. Would she be happy about that? Would she be disappointed? She would likely be in a whole lot of emotional pain again and Mac didn't have a clue how to prepare for that…In a word, Mac was scared senseless.

"You okay?" Harm asked her, when he brought in a cup of coffee for her.

"Yeah," she replied, quietly, "Just thinking."

"About what you're going to say?" Harm had obviously been thinking the same thing.

"What am I going to say?" Mac asked him, feeling the desperate need to get at least some of this off her chest, "And what is she going to say, to feel, when she wakes up and realizes?"

"That she failed to end her life?" Harm finished off the thought for her, but quietly and in a sensitive tone, "I couldn't possibly begin to pinpoint just one single answer, Mac…"

After a short pause to think, he continued, "There's a whole range of things she may feel, Mac. Whoever is with her at that point will have to prepare themselves for any eventuality."

"I said that I'd do it," Mac told him, softly, "She's going to stay with me after they discharge her, so I think I should be the one to talk to her, once she wakes up."

"Okay," Harm nodded, "well, if you need somebody to talk to, you know that I'll always be around…"

"I'll need to speak to Carol-Anne on my own," Mac quickly let him know, "but I'd really appreciate any advice you can give me. Do you have any just now? What do I say to her if she expresses regret that she didn't…'do this right'? What am I supposed to say if she tells me that?"

"She may feel that way, Mac," Harm told her, "and if she does, there will be nothing you can do to stop her feeling that way. She's been through severe trauma over that past few weeks and at this point in time she probably won't be equipped to consider the feelings of others in response to her actions. She's not even twelve years old yet, she's been separated from her mother and in response attempted to end her life and failed in doing so. If anything, you're going to have to hold back your own opinion of her actions, at least until she's in a fit state to deal with them. Just let her know that you're glad that she's still here."

"I suppose that'll be the only thing I can do," Mac sighed with frustration.

"On another note," Harm spoke up, "did you ever consider that maybe she wasn't attempting to take her life?"

"I had thought of that," Mac nodded, "the doctor said that her dose wasn't that large, at least not in term of the number of pills she took. But she probably didn't know how few of those things you have to take in order to overdose, especially if you're just a child."

Harm nodded in agreement, adding, "She's been dealing with exceptionally stressful circumstances for somebody so young. Maybe it was a cry for help?"

"In any case," Mac asked, "how am I supposed to help her in dealing with this? As if the stresses in her life weren't already enough, now she's got all of the repercussions from this to deal with as well."

"You can't board that ship until it's docked," Harm told her.

Mac was able to garner a ghost of a smile in response to that comment.

"Trust the sailor to say something like that!"

Harm gave a little chuckle, then told her, "Listen, I've got to go and interview a witness, but I shouldn't be long. I'll come back by here before I go home."

"Thanks," Mac told him sincerely, "I'll see you then."

"See you then," Harm confirmed, before he disappeared.

OOOO

A little over an hour and a half later, Mac was stirred out of her silent contemplation when Carol-Anne gently stirred beneath the covers.

Mac quickly hit the call-button for a nurse then leaned over to assess the young girl.

"Carol-Anne," she asked, "can you open your eyes, honey?"

The girl only thrashed about a bit, but looked like she was fighting to comply with Mac's request. After an uphill battle, her persistence finally won out.

Her eyes opened slowly and she seemed disoriented and groggy. Any alarm was however held at bay, seemingly by Mac's reassuring presence.

"Hey there," Mac greeted her, gently brushing her hair out of her eyes, "How are you feeling?"

"Mmm…throat…hurts," Carol-Anne croaked and Mac assessed that it must be paining her quite a bit.

"That's okay," Mac assured her, "you had a tube in to help you breathe, but it's gone now and the pain will go with time…Do you think you're up to drinking something? Maybe that might help…"

The child nodded, so Mac waited for the nurse to arrive and give approval before moving for the bottle of water at the bedside.

"Here," she tilted it to the girl's mouth, "just try not to take it too fast. You're body's probably not used to it, yet."

After a small sip, Carol-Anne laid her head back down to the pillow, sighing with the effort it had required.

"…tired," she muttered quietly, "…wanna sleep…"

Mac panicked at this revelation, but the nurse must have seen to fear on her face, because she moved to quietly reassure Mac.

"Don't worry about that," she told her, "That's quite a normal reaction to painkillers; muscle weakness, fatigue, sluggishness. It'll take a few days for the effects on her system to wear off. The best thing is just to let her sleep."

'But at least this way,' Mac thought to herself, 'I've got some more time to think.'

The logistics of caring for a young girl with the kind of troubles Carol-Anne had were by no means simple and Mac knew just how vital it was that she got this right. There was no way that she could fail her again.

OOOO

Carol-Anne woke up again shortly after Harm, Paula and Rafael left for the night. Mac hung back until visiting hours were nearly over, just in case the child woke again. She was about to rise from her seat, when the young girl opened her eyes.

"I'm really still here?" she asked, as her eyes alighted upon her 'big-sister.'

"Yes," Mac told her, asking, "How do you feel about that?"

"I don't really know," Carol-Anne replied, quietly, "I know what I did was stupid, but I wasn't really thinking straight at the time."

"It was because of what the doctors said about your Mom?" Mac asked.

The child nodded, "Yes. I was upset. I don't even remember getting back to the house. The next thing I knew, I was in the bathroom, about to take a shower and I just saw them…"

"The painkillers?" Mac knew soon after she spoke that the question was unnecessary. She already knew the answer. But Carol-Anne answered anyway with a nod of her head.

"I just thought, if they could help Rafael with the pain in his back, why shouldn't they help me, too…"

"Oh Carol-Anne," Mac took her hand, "why did you think that nobody would want to help you with your problems? A problem shared is a problem halved…there's always an alternative…nobody ever needs to resort to…"

"I wasn't trying to kill myself," Carol-Anne broke through, with surprising determination, "Well, not really…I just…I just wanted to stop hurting…I tried to reach you, but your cellphone was off…Paula and Raffie were never home and even the boys didn't understand how I was feeling. Jen doesn't even speak to me unless it's to yell or swear and Tammy is to young to understand about any of this stuff…"

"I'm sorry," Mac apologized, "I was catching a transport home. I had to put my cellphone off. Did you try to talk to anyone else? Any of your friends?"

Carol-Anne shook her head.

"All of my friends have problems of their own. Most of them don't even know about my Mom. I didn't tell many people, because I don't want everyone at school knowing. That would only bring unwanted attention."

"Kids can be a mean bunch," Mac commented, "I guess I know that better than anyone."

"Did anyone at your school give you problems, after…after…"

"After my Mom left? No, not really, but that's because few of them knew about it," Mac acknowledged what Carol-Anne had said earlier to be true, "They were too wrapped up in their own lives to even think about mine."

Carol-Anne nodded, laying her head back down. Mac gave her a smile and resumed stroking her hair.

"I do kind of understand it though, Carol-Anne," she assured the young girl, "I wasn't too much older than you when I started trying to block out the emotional pain I was in."

"Did you do something as dumb as taking a handful of painkillers?" the child asked, looking skeptical.

"Equally dumb, I'd say," Mac revealed, "I started binging on alcohol. It nearly destroyed my life and it could have taken my life at any moment. It killed my best friend and I could have easily been killed too."

"What did you do next?" Carol- Anne asked, her eyes wide and fearful.

"I turned to somebody I could trust," Mac told her, trying to convey a strength she only partially felt. Part of her still felt like that scared teenager she had once been, "And he helped my through it…Just like I'm going to be there for you."

"Was it Har…The Commander who helped you?" Carol-Anne asked, curiously.

Mac gave her a strange look, but replied, "No, it was my uncle…This was a long time ago…Why don't you get some sleep? There's no need to worry about any of that just now. We're going to work through this together and everything's going to be alright…"

And with at least a little less of the burden on her young shoulders, Carol-Anne closed her eyes and surrendered to sleep.

Mac didn't get much sleep that night, sorting through not only the feelings Carol-Anne had conveyed to her, but also her own. This was going to be a tough task ahead, one that would take a long time to settle and she only hoped that she would be up to the challenge.

Mac's prognosis was that things might get worse before they got better and her deduction turned out to be correct.

OOOOOOO