A/n: at the moment this is just a one shot but depending on the reviews I might write more. There's a hint of BB&Rae. It's kind of dark; Beastboy's thoughts/feelings after the Beast incident.
I'm a monster, a beast, a good for nothing loser; that was the phrase going through my head, it was getting unbearable, I wanted to scream, to rip something into tiny little pieces, but mainly I wanted someone to understand, to tell me it was all going to be alright. But my friends the people I thought would never leave me avoided me and allowed me to sink deeper into the pit of self-pity and depression I was slowly drowning in.
Maybe they were scared, maybe they thought I'd bounce back from it and be the happy-go-lucky, prankster I've always been, or maybe they just didn't care about me like I thought they did. I don't know! I just wish one of them would try to help, just to show they care… I thought Cyborg would come and talk to me, I thought we were the best of friends, but maybe that's only when I'm being happy, when everything is just one joke after another to me. I would even talk to Raven if she came; because at least then that proves that someone cares. But no one came, so no one cares.
I cry myself to sleep every night because I'm scared that I won't be able to contain the beast inside me and that I will become my namesake, that I will become the beast permanently. Or worse that I will lose control one day and when I change back I will find a world painted in blood, a world I created, a world where I massacred my friends and the innocent citizens of Jump City.
I have nightmares too, showing the same scenes over and over again; most of them are of me holding a broken Raven, her purple hair matted with blood, her amethyst eyes wide and fearful never to look at me in a way of playful annoyance again. One night the nightmares have me shouting out in pain at the loss of all my friends, it wakes me up, at least that's what I think woke me up, it actually was the knocking on my door and the soft pleading of Raven to let her in that woke me.
"Beast boy let me in… come on Gar, I can feel your pain and how scared you are, let me in I want to help I'm worried" Raven's voice sounded sincere and I was in no position to push anybody willing to talk to me away. I slowly heave my body from my bunk bed and pick my way through the rubbish and dirty clothes on the floor. I open the door and see a slightly blushing Raven standing nervously outside my door. "Oh Gar…what's happened to you?" Raven asked as she looked me in the eyes.
"What do you mean, what's happened to me? I'm still Beastboy the fun loving, happy-go-lucky, prankster." I say my words not even slightly convincing.
"No you're not, you're not Beastboy, Beastboy wouldn't have hidden away from his friends, Beastboy would talk to me, and he would want to get better." Raven said as she walked into my room. She looked around her and her nose crinkled in disgust "Don't you ever clean up?" she asked a playful twinkle in her eye something I had never seen before. I look sheepishly at the ground before answering "well you know…I haven't got round to it?" It came out as more of a question than a statement.
Her eyes lost that twinkle as she looked at me again, "Gar…tell me, tell me what's made you feel this way, tell me why your acting like this. I just want to help you, I want the old Gar back…"
"Why? It's not as if you liked the old me, you threw me out of windows because I annoyed you, you called me stupid just because I'm not as smart as you!" my voice grew louder, I knew I shouldn't shout at Raven, she was the only one of my so called friends to come and talk to me, to actually show me that she cared, and what was I doing, I was shouting at her like the monster I am.
"Rae I'm sorry." My voice barely above a whisper "your being kind, you're showing you care, and here I am being a complete monster, shouting at you."
"Is that what you think Garfield? Do you think you're a monster? Because believe me Gar the one thing you're not is a monster. You're a hero; you risk your life every day for the people we don't even know, you throw yourself into dangerous situations without a second thought for your own safety, every other member of our team stops for a moment and actually considers the threat you don't, some may call it reckless, but I call it being brave. Being so brave that even Robin is in awe of you…"
"Raven you're talking crap, your right I'm reckless not brave. I don't think because if I think every instinct of every animal in me, screams at me to run away, I'm not brave, just stubborn." I say walking toward my bed and sinking to it in a kind of trance.
"Beastboy…" Raven sighs as she walks towards me "You are not stubborn, you are so brave, and so strong you fight your own will! If that's not a hero, I don't know what is."
"Maybe Rae just maybe." I say, her words stirring feelings inside of me, feelings I hadn't felt since Terra.
"Well Gar, I hope you'll come out of your room tomorrow…" Raven says hopefully "And I hope tomorrow you'll tell me about your nightmares." Raven smiled slightly and left my room leaving.