Be My Brother Again
Disclaimer: The usual stuff. I don't own them; I'm just having a little fun with them.
A/N: I loved the conversations the boys had in Fresh Blood. Sam finally got through to Dean; he opened the door and invited Dean to talk more openly about his feelings. Of course the boy is scared; he's going to Hell in less than a year. Who wouldn't be afraid?
But Dean is Dean. He's the big brother who doesn't want to show fear in front of Sam; he probably doesn't even really want to admit that he feels fear. But he'd do anything for Sam and if that means facing himself, that's exactly what he'll do.
A friend asked me for a Fresh Blood tag. I'm not sure this is exactly a tag, but it happens soon after and as a direct result of it, so call it what you will.
Thanks to Susan for reading, critiquing and helping me really explore the emotional depths of these Winchester boys. I value her input and, more importantly, her friendship.
oooOOOooo
Brothers are family, Brothers part from time to time, Brothers are family,
And brothers are friends,
Brothers stick together,
Brothers have no end,
But come together again,
And be thereselves,
No need to pretend,
Because...
And brothers are friends,
Brothers stick together,
BROTHERS have no end...
oooOOOooo
With a year to live, Dean Winchester had been trying to have as much fun as he could. But he also had a responsibility to the hunt, so he'd also been trying to kill more than a year's worth of evil sons of bitches. He'd tried to stop Sam from looking for a way out of the deal he'd made with the crossroads demon, but the younger man had the same Winchester stubbornness that their father had been famous for. That was the one thing both sons had inherited from John actually, but Sam was a little better at it than Dean. All it took for Dean to fold was the right look from his little brother.
Dean had always been reckless; he was more of a shoot first and ask questions later kind of guy, but since being assigned an expiration date, that recklessness had just gotten worse. And he had always put himself between danger and Sam, but he was doing that with increasing disregard for his own well being. Dean had also always thought he was expendable, but now that he knew he was going to die, the idea was even more intense for him. He didn't seem to care if he died today or when his year was up.
Dean also hid behind humor. The more scared he was, the funnier he tried to be. Everything became a punch line and the more disregard he seemed to have for Sam's feelings. But Sam could see beyond all that. He knew that Dean's humor, and everything else, was a defense mechanism. And he suspected the reason his brother was so willing to die sooner rather than later was to save himself some pain.
Sam was used to Dean's recklessness; he was used to his over protectiveness. And he was even used to Dean hiding from his real feelings behind a joke. He could handle all of it, but Dean hiding from his feelings was the hardest part for Sam.
While Dean was acting exactly how Sam would expect him to under the circumstances, it hurt the younger man to watch. It was like Dean was already dead; lost to him forever. Sam still intended to find a way out of the deal. That's why he was willing to give Ruby anything more than a swift exorcism. He knew that demons weren't to be trusted, but he would do anything if it meant saving his brother's life and Ruby said she could do it.
Sam was strong in front of his brother. He had to be. Dean had enough on his mind and didn't need to deal with an emotional little brother. But alone in the shower, Sam allowed himself to cry. He sometimes took early morning jogs alone just so he could scream until he was hoarse.
It wasn't fair. Dean was all he had in the world and if anyone deserved to live….Dean had sacrificed for the family. He put his life on the line for people he didn't even know. And he'd always, always, put Sam's needs first. Knowing full well the consequences, Dean had even helped Sam get into Stanford and sided with him against their father's demands.
Sam could almost reconcile Dean dying for him. He'd almost done it more than once over the years by coming between him and some monster or putting himself in the line of fire in other ways. But to lose his soul and be sent to Hell? Dean didn't deserve that.
Finally, Sam had lost the battle to be strong. He hadn't been able to hide his own feelings. Gordon Walker had escaped from jail and was on their tails. On Sam's tail specifically. And worse, their enemy had been turned into a vampire. Vampire or no, Dean was willing to go up against him alone while expecting Sam to wait in the safety of their motel room.
When Dean's plan left his lips, Sam had wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shove him back into the wall. He wanted to get into Dean's face and yell at him until he understood. But that wasn't Sam's style and it wasn't something Dean would respond well to.
---
Dude, drop the attitude, Dean. Quit turning everything into a punch line. And you know something else? Stop trying to act like you're not afraid.
I'm not.
You're lying and you may as well drop it because I can see right through you.
You got no idea what you're talking about.
Yeah, I do. You're scared, Dean. You're scared because your year is running out and you're still going to Hell and you're freaked.
And how do you know that?
Because I know you.
Really?
Yeah, because I've been following you around my entire life. I mean, I've been looking up to you since I was four, Dean. Studying you; trying to be just like my big brother. So, yeah, I know you. Better than anyone else in the entire world. And this is exactly how you act when you're terrified. And I can't blame you. It's just….
What?
I wish you would just drop the show and be my brother again. Cuz…Just cuz.
---
Dean remembered what his brother had said. He remembered the look on his face and the tears in his eyes. Nothing got to him more than seeing his brother in pain. And the worst part? Sam had been right. Dean was terrified. If he had to do it again, he'd make the deal without a second thought, but that didn't mean he wasn't afraid. He didn't mind dying. Everyone died eventually and he was just so tired….but Hell was something else entirely.
He didn't want to show fear in front of Sam. He was the older brother and it was his job to be strong. But what was the point if Sam could see right through him?
Even so, it wasn't that easy. He'd spent his entire life stuffing fear away. He and Sam were left alone in motel rooms while their dad went out on hunts and Dean had to make sure Sam got his homework done, had enough to eat, took his bath….everything a parent should do. He hadn't been a parent, though, Dean had been just a kid. And every day he'd been afraid that something would go wrong on a hunt and their dad wouldn't come home. He'd been afraid something would happen to Sammy that he couldn't handle. He'd been afraid someone would find out they were alone and the police would come for them….
There had always been so much to be scared about, but Dean couldn't show the fear. He had to protect Sammy from everything; including himself. If his little brother knew he was scared, then Sammy would be afraid and that was unacceptable.
But maybe he'd gone too far. Maybe Dean had tried too hard to protect Sam and all he had succeeded at was pushing him away. No, he wasn't gone. Sam was still there and he was hurting.
I wish you would just drop the show and be my brother again. Cuz…Just cuz.
That had touched Dean's heart and he did a quick 180. Instead of going after Gordon on his own, he gave into what Sam wanted; what Sam needed. He needed to fight by Dean's side and he needed Dean to stop acting like an ass.
Dean was trying. They'd left town, getting as far away from Gordon's decapitated body as they could when Dean had heard a knocking in the Impala's engine. In what had been honed with years of practice, Sam got the cooler out of the car while Dean grabbed the tool chest. Sam handed his brother a beer and settled on the cooler to wait while he worked on the car.
Then Dean surprised both of them by calling Sam to his side. He went through what he thought was wrong with the car, giving Sam a crash course in auto repair. Then Dean had held out the socket wrench to him.
Dean, you barely let me drive this thing.
Yeah, well, it's time. You should know how to fix it. You're gonna have to know these things for the future. Besides, it's my job right? Showing my little brother the ropes?
Sam had nodded, struggling with his emotions and Dean had held his in only a little better. He'd pulled the cooler away from the car and sat down facing his brother. Sam hadn't been able to completely handle the repair on his own, but it was probably better that they had to do it together. That's the way they'd always been and that's what Sam….what they both needed.
---
Dean glanced up when Sam came through the motel room door. He'd gone out to the car to get the DVD player they traveled with so they could watch a new release Dean had picked up at their last stop. Dean got off the bed and moved the chairs while Sam connected the player up to the television. A few minutes later with a pizza between them, they started watching the movie.
It had been two days since they worked on the car together and they'd gone back to ignoring the elephant in the room. Dean had to admit he was surprised that Sam hadn't pushed him to talk. He was also surprised that he was a little disappointed by that. He'd been a little antsy since the conversation, almost as if he wanted to get back to it.
---
Once the movie was over, Sam turned off the power and stretched. "That actually didn't suck."
"Ringing endorsement, dude," Dean said as he stood up and tossed the empty pizza box on top of the small trash can next to the mini-fridge. "You want a beer?"
"It's after midnight."
Dean looked at him. "So?"
Sam smiled and shook his head as Dean pulled a bottle of beer from the fridge and twisted off the cap. He took a long drag as he stood at the window staring into the dark alley behind the motel room. Sam couldn't help but notice the sudden change in his brother's mood and he wondered what had caused it.
"So….You want to see if there's a movie on cable?" Sam asked.
Dean glanced over his shoulder. "That's okay."
Sam watched as Dean took another long swallow of beer, still staring out of the window. A moment later he set the bottle on the desk and sat down on the edge of his bed to pull on his boots.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm gonna try that bar down the street. I won't be gone long."
"I'll go with you."
Sam saw a brief hesitation before Dean shook his head. "I know you're ready to go to sleep."
"Hey, it's not like we have anywhere to be tomorrow."
Dean slipped into his worn leather jacket. "It's up to you."
Sam looked at his brother's face closely and saw what looked like hope in his eyes. Sam could only guess that it was hope he would come along. When he pulled on his jacket, Sam saw what he thought was relief on Dean's face.
The bar was only a couple of blocks away, so they decided to walk. Once inside they saw that it wasn't very busy, but after midnight during the week, that wasn't surprising. It was a fairly small place with wooden tables and chairs that looked like they'd been new 20 years before. Animal heads hung on the walls along with a few paintings that depicted scenes of what looked like African safaris.
"Nice," Sam commented, nodding toward a bear's head over their table.
"You're just jealous because you can't mount the heads of what we hunt."
Sam looked at him. "Dude."
Dean shrugged and ordered two beers from a passing waitress. Sam tried not to look too concerned when he called her back to order a shot of whiskey.
"You're here just for my benefit, aren't you?" Dean asked, looking at the table.
"Not entirely."
Dean looked at him and smiled, his eyes filled with unspoken affection. "But mostly?"
"Look, I'm just here, okay?" Sam said quietly. "You didn't seem to be in a party mood so…."
Dean nodded.
"What did you think of the movie?" Sam just wanted Dean to talk; it didn't matter about what.
"Bruce Willis rocks, man. Doesn't matter what he's in."
Sam preferred dramas to action movies, but he shared his brother's appreciation for the Die Hard series. A few minutes later their drinks arrived and Dean threw back the shot, following it quickly with a swig of beer. Sam sipped at his own drink, watching his brother.
---
"What's going on with you, Dean?" Sam asked gently.
"I, uh…." Dean looked away. He wanted to talk to Sam, desperately needed to, but he wasn't sure how to do it. He had thought it might be easier in a public place, but now he knew he'd been wrong. What he needed was a quiet place, somewhere alone with Sam. But he couldn't make himself leave just yet. He shook his head, hoping Sam would understand.
Sam didn't press him and when Dean looked across the table, he saw a look of comprehension on his brother's face.
They'd grown up practically in each other's pockets and he knew that Sam could read him like a book. He could read Sam, too, but for him it had started the moment their parents brought baby Sammy home from the hospital. Although Dean was barely four at the time, he remembered always waking up a moment before his baby brother would start to cry. He knew when to come inside from playing in the backyard to help feed Sammy or to make sure his diaper was changed properly. Somehow he had even knew that the baby preferred the pureed carrots to the beets their mother wanted him to eat before he'd even tried them.
But despite their closeness, Dean still had trouble opening up to him. He had a hard time talking to anyone about his feelings, he sometimes refused to admit he had them even to himself, but he felt safe with Sam. Dean knew that he could tell Sam anything and there would be no judgment because Sam loved him without question.
I've been looking up to you since I was four, Dean. Studying you; trying to be just like my big brother.
Dean didn't believe he was anyone to emulate, but he loved his little brother for thinking he was.
"Dean?"
"I don't know why I wanted to come," Dean said. "I didn't, really, I was just feeling trapped in the room all of a sudden."
Sam nodded. "Feeling better?"
Dean hesitated a moment, considering his options. He wasn't feeling better. In fact, he might even be feeling a little worse, but he didn't know if he could tell Sam that. Finally, his shoulders slumped and he looked down, shaking his head.
"Come on, man, let's just get out of here. We don't have to go back to the room, but you don't look like you want to sit here and drink."
Dean snorted. "As much as I hate to admit it, I don't really want this beer. I wanted the shot, though."
"Let's go, then."
Dean nodded just as a jukebox he'd not previously seen in near the back of the bar suddenly came to life, playing a very loud version of a very country song.
"Let's go now," Dean said, standing up. He missed his brother's knowing smile as he followed behind.
---
Outside, Dean started to walk in the opposite direction of their motel and Sam fell into step beside him. There was a cool breeze blowing, but it wasn't cold enough to be uncomfortable. Sam stuffed his hands into his coat pockets, watching Dean from the corner of his eye. Even in profile, he could see his brother was struggling with his emotions. He recognized the signs. Dean wanted to talk, but didn't know how to start and wasn't sure what to say.
The town they'd stopped in was small and the motel was on what seemed to be the less desirable end of what was actually named Main Street. Still, it wasn't as bad as some places they'd seen. As they walked north, the area began to change and by the time they got to the opposite end of the street, the stores they passed were fancy boutique shops.
Sam wasn't expecting Dean to sit down on the bench that was outside the bank, but he settled next to his brother with their shoulders touching. Dean leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped, but he kept contact with Sam.
"I'm sorry, Sammy."
"Sorry for what?"
"The way I've been acting. You were right, man. I'm scared. Don't get me wrong, I'd do it again. If it would save your life, I'd give up mine all over. But…."
"Why'd you do it, Dean?" Sam asked, barely able to contain his tears.
"I told you. I couldn't live with you dead. It's my job to take care of you, to protect you. I'm sorry I'm going to be leaving you alone, though."
Sam leaned forward, unconsciously mimicking his brother's posture. "I'm still trying to figure a way out of this, Dean. It's my job to protect you, too."
"I know I can't stop you, but you damn well better be careful. Don't trust that demon chick."
"I don't," Sam looked at him. "And I'm being careful."
"Yeah, well…."
Sam felt Dean shiver, but he wasn't sure it was from the cold. He waited, hoping his brother would continue talking on his own.
"After I'm gone, I –"
"Dean."
"After I'm gone, I think you need to stop hunting."
"What?"
"Find that normal life you wanted and –"
"Wanted, Dean. Past tense. I'm a hunter and I realize that now. I don't hate it. I never hated it. I just wanted the choice."
"I'll watch over you. If I can."
Sam felt the tears burning in his eyes. "You need to stop worrying about me, Dean. It's time to start thinking about yourself."
"I can't do that, Sammy." Dean looked at him and smiled sadly.
"God, Dean…." Sam shook himself and willed the tears not to flow. He had to be strong so Dean wouldn't fall into the familiar role of overprotective big brother. There was no way to stop him from being his regular protective self, though.
"There's more I wanted to do with my life."
Sam looked at him, but said nothing.
"I wanted to help more people, keep killing evil things, but more, too. I don't know for sure what, but…." His eyes locked on something across the street and Sam followed his gaze to a music store. "Did you know I wanted to learn how to play guitar? Maybe I coulda been like Jimmy Page or Clapton."
"I didn't know that."
Dean shrugged. "Doesn't matter."
"Yeah, it does."
Dean looked at him sideways, then turned away.
"What do you think it'll be like?" he asked quietly.
"I don't know," Sam matched his tone.
"I'll be like a cop in prison."
Sam had been trying not to think about that.
"I'm sure there's more than one nasty-assed demon that can't wait to get their hands on me once I'm in Hell."
"If anyone can kick some demon ass, it's my big brother."
"I don't know, Sammy," Dean said as his voice cracked. "I think I might be in over my head this time. But I don't want you to worry about me, okay?"
"Stop that!" Sam exclaimed, more intensely than he'd planned. His voice softened. "Just don't, okay? Talk to me like my brother, not my protector. You think I'm not gonna worry about you when you're in Hell?"
"Sammy…."Dean whispered. "I'm scared, man. I mean, I've been scared before, but not like this. Not….The other times I knew it would end, ya know? I kill the monster or whatever and it would be over. This ain't ever gonna be over."
Sam didn't know what to say, but he didn't think Dean needed to hear him. What Dean needed was to talk and for Sam to just be there with him.
"Dad got out though, huh? Dad was there for a year and he was okay when he got out, huh?"
Sam nodded.
They sat quietly for a few minutes.
"Sam?"
"Yeah, Dean?"
Sam's heart almost broke when Dean turned to face him. He was pale and his eyes were filled with tears.
"I don't know what to do, man. I just wanna run away and hide – I don't hide, Sammy, but that's all I want to do right now."
"We can do that. We don't have to keep hunting. We can do whatever you want."
"I've never been able to do what I want. You know that."
"But you can now, Dean," Sam said hopefully.
Dean covered his face with his hands and began to shake. Sam knew he was crying and without a moment of hesitation, he put a hand on Dean's back. He felt his brother stiffen briefly, but then his muscles loosened and he moved slightly closer to Sam. Sam wasn't even sure how it happened, but he realized his arms were around Dean and he was holding onto Sam like he was afraid his brother would disappear.
Not that Sam cared, and he knew that Dean was beyond it himself right now, but he glanced around and found the street to be empty. It was late and nothing nearby was open. They were the only ones around.
A few minutes later, Dean pulled away and wiped his face. He wouldn't meet Sam's eyes, but Sam put a hand under his brother's chin and turned his head toward him. Neither one spoke, they just looked at each other. They'd always been able to communicate without talking and Sam felt closer to his brother right now than he had in a very long time.
I wish you would just drop the show and be my brother again. Cuz…Just cuz.
fin