i'm finally catching up on the gift giving extravaganza and so this is for jess (autumn midnights). sorry that it turned out so long! hope you enjoy :)
(this fic contains cousincest, references to suicide and drug abuse so please do not read if these things will offend or trigger you)
Rain pours down, driving heavily past the windows, soaking anyone who happens to be outside. It drives down, pounding heavily on Roxanne's skylight, as though something is trying to hammer it in. Roxanne loves the rain. It always reminds Roxanne of camping — she's always preferred Muggle camping, huddled round a camping table with mugs of hot chocolate to warm her hands, sometimes having to physically sweep rain out of the tent and constantly hearing falling droplets hit the roof. She remembers camping trips with her cousins, the majority of them arguing for a Wizarding tent — more room, actual appliances that work — but Roxanne had always shut them down. Lily, as well. Lily was always the wildest one. As the youngest daughter of the Potters, she had to rebel or she wouldn't be noticed. At least, that was what Lily was always seen to think. Roxanne never minded; Lily flew through life, flashing bright crimson red and gold, colours intertwining and mixing with those she shouldn't go near. Fireworks flashing through the sky, seemingly unstoppable. Roxanne would always follow behind, burning bright in bronze and blue, colours mixing, mingling carefully, concisely. It used to be said that where Lily went, if Roxanne wasn't behind, trouble would follow. What they didn't realise was trouble often followed when Roxanne was right there.
Roxanne hasn't seen Lily in four years.
Four years since graduating from Hogwarts. Four years since…. No. She's not bringing that up again. It didn't happen. It never happened.
Roxanne is twenty-two years old and she has finally moved on.
.
Lily used to love the rain. The way it made her feel just that little bit more alive, the way she could run and laugh and dance in it, getting soaked to the skin but not caring a bit. She used to go out of her way to get caught in it; never took an umbrella anywhere or used Impervio on her skin, except for Quidditch matches. Then, she had to keep her eyes clear, darting back and forth for the snitch. Quidditch matches in storms were wonderful — her team always groaned and complaining, some even looked downright terrified, but Lily loved it. Flying through the heart of the storm, most important player on the whole pitch. So what, Lily had an ego? So what, Lily thought she was important? Of course she was. Not because she was a Potter, or because she was intelligent, or because she was beautiful, even though all of those things were true. Because she was a person. She was important and she certainly wasn't going to fall into the trap of hating herself because of tiny things that never really even mattered.
She hates the rain, now. It reminds her of a life forgotten, dreams left behind, ambitions squandered. She remembers camping trips with her cousins, how happy they all were back then. And it can't be nostalgia that rips her apart, can it? It has to be something stronger. Maybe anger, anger at how she's never getting those days back. Or sadness. Lily hates the word 'sad'. It doesn't seem to express enough, and Lily Luna Potter is all out or not at all. But it seems to work perfectly. It fades into the background, not noticeable enough to outsiders, but once you know it's there… Well. It takes a hell of a lot to get it to go away.
She's left her family behind. She's left everything behind, really. Painting in dull colours in a sparsely-furnished London flat for a few years, then off to Albania, seemingly for no reason but morbid curiosity. And then meeting him again. Falling for him for the first time. Back in England, they'd lived together. He'd grown to love her. She'd grown to... what?
And now she's sitting in the back of a taxi cab with an address that she isn't quite sure she should have, watching the rain outside the windows and feeling her stomach churn, trying to stop herself from crying because it won't help anything. All it does is make her seem weak and she's never up for that.
"That'll be twenty quid, darling." the taxi driver tells her. Lily curses the fact that she never got confident enough with apparating to take the test, but hands the money over before sweeping out of the car, knowing she'll be soaked in seconds. Usually, she'd be annoyed at the driver for calling her 'darling', but she doesn't even have the energy to care.
As she begins walking towards the flat, she tries to remember why she chose to run to Roxanne. They haven't spoken in four years. Roxanne probably hates her for that — after all, Lily was the one who left without saying goodbye. Lily was the one who ignored every pleading letter, made herself impossible to access. Roxie was the one who told her to get out, but Lily should have... she could have... Lily cuts herself off. There's no point in should haves and would have beens — it's done now.
It's not like Roxanne is the only reason Lily made herself disappear. Everyone she knew seemed to be a reason, every situation she found herself in and every time people lingered on her last name rather than her as a person.
Lily realises that she's trying to paint Roxanne as insignificant, a background character in her dazzling life, but she knows that would be the worst kind of lie. Looking back, Roxanne was always there, following a few steps behind. Anyhow, if Roxie is so insignificant in her life, why is she standing outside her flat, finger brushing against the doorbell, terrified to press it and let it ring? It's three in the morning. She won't want her there.
Yet where else does she have to go?
Drawing in a deep, sharp breath, Lily presses the doorbell, hoping and praying to a God that she doesn't believe in that Roxanne will let her at least stay the night.
.
When the doorbell rings, Roxanne jerks up. She wasn't asleep, just sitting at the table with a herbal tea, listening to the rain and pretending to herself that she was reading a book. The rain takes her back to so many places. Places she misses. But she doesn't know whether she could ever go back — whether she'd want to go back. She tucks her wand into her front pocket and walks to the door, hoping that whoever it is has a good reason for turning up at three in the morning.
Roxanne's first reaction when she sees Lily standing outside her door in the pouring rain, mascara smudged from tears and wearing a raincoat is to try and slam the door. Lily's foot wedges it open before it completely closes and she resigns herself to at least listening what Lily has to say. She pushes down on the part of her that wants to let her in immediately, draw her in and protect her, keep her safe and warm and happy.
"I walked out on Lysander." Roxanne would be more sympathetic if she'd actually known Lily was even with him in the first place, but she hadn't known so she just stands there, arms folded, staring at her cousin as if challenging her to ask why Lily is on her doorstep at all, let alone at three am.
"I was living with him." Lily says, her eyes pleading to Roxanne.
She still hasn't spoken to Lily. If Roxanne thinks back, she realises she hasn't spoken to Lily for four years. She's pretty sure the last words she said to her cousin were 'Get out!'. She doesn't know if she can deal with Lily coming back into her life. But seeing her on the doorstep, beautiful and fragile, caving in on herself on Roxanne's doorstep. She has a guest room — what kind of awful cousin would she be to kick her out?
"I suppose you'd better come in." she says, ushering Lily inside and ignoring the rainwater she drips all over the carpet. She watches Lily take her coat off, eyeing the surroundings as she does so. She can't help but think how Lily has changed. A blazing inferno to a fading spark. Bright crimson and gold to a dull red and un-polished trophy.
There are a million things she could say, but she doesn't know where to begin. 'Where have you been?' would be a good question, or 'Why didn't you reply to my letters?'. Neither of them sound right, so she just stands there and looks at Lily, a broken mess of a girl,
"I didn't know you were with Lysander." she says without thinking, cursing herself for beginning the conversation with that.
"For a year now." Lily says. "I met up with him in Albania. He left his parents over there to come back to England with me."
Roxanne doesn't want to think about it. She walks through to the kitchen, hearing Lily follow her, and puts the kettle on. Her tea will have gone cold by now anyway.
"Drink?" she asks.
"Coffee, please."
Roxanne remembers exactly how Lily takes it. Milk, no sugar. But she asks anyway.
"Black."
Oh.
She doesn't quite know how a changed coffee preference after four years can hurt so much, but it does.
.
Lily watches Roxanne as she busies herself making the drinks. She wasn't oblivious enough to notice the flash of hurt cross Roxanne's face before she turned around. She isn't stupid enough to think that Roxanne having a skylight that makes a sound as rain falls down onto it is a coincidence. She isn't blind enough to think that Roxanne has forgotten or forgiven anything. She doesn't blame her. She wouldn't either. When the drinks are done, Roxie slides a drink across the table to Lily and she tries not to let the surprise show on her face when she sees that her coffee is milky. She doesn't say anything, doesn't even catch her cousin's eye.
"Why are you here?" Roxanne's voice cuts through the silence.
Lily tries to compose herself. "I told you. I left Lysander."
"Why are you here?" Roxanne grits her teeth. Oh. Lily doesn't quite have an answer to that question — but it's a fair one. Why isn't she crashing at James' house, or Al's flat? Her Mum and Dad would let her stay a night, Ted and Dom might let her stay if she promised to babysit the kids for a night. She knows where every single one of her relatives live and yet she chose Roxanne.
"I missed you." she says, not quite sure if she's telling the truth.
"Cut to the chase, Lily." Roxanne practically growls. "You missed me? Hey, you could've, I don't know, written to me? Floo'd me? Made some fucking form of contact over the past four years!"
"Rox—" Lily tries to begin.
"You know, I'd just begun to accept the fact that you weren't calling, that you weren't coming back! You know, I was the last to see you. Everyone asked me what you'd said, what we'd talked about. Do you know how many people I lied to? I lied to your Dad, Lily. I lied to your Mum. I lied to my brother, you know, before he fucking killed himself two years ago. Did you hear about that?"
"I didn't kn—"
"No, you didn't know! Quite frankly, I doubt you'd have cared that while you were gallivanting about in Albania — which, by the way, is where Voldemort went for some peace of mind, or whatever — we were mourning over Fred. Never fucking mind Grandma Molly and her alzheimer's, or the amount of times I've had to flush James' drugs for him before anyone saw and get him someplace safe, or Rose's miscarriage and Louis coming out and Al getting into fights and the whole Dom and Vic and Ted fiasco…"
"Roxie, I—"
"Thank God Molly and Lucy turned out somewhat normal, apart from the whole Squib thing for poor Molly. Do you know how much you've missed? While you've fucked off to Albania, we've been dealing with everything that comes our way and do you know how scared we've all been for you? Did you ever think what family dinner might be like without you? Did you ever care about how much I blamed myself for everything because you were gone and everything was different and it was all my fault? Did you ever stop to think about how selfish—"
"Rox, I'm pregnant."
And then Roxie turns to look at her, eyes still flashing with rage. "What?" she demands.
"I'm pregnant." she tells her. "And I couldn't tell Ly, I just couldn't and I'm so scared, Rox. You were the only person I dared come to…"
She breaks down into tears and feels Roxanne come over and her strong arms wrap around her. Lily can't find a way to stop so she keeps on sobbing, letting it all out, crying so hard that it almost blocks out the sound of the rain. Almost.
"Come on, you need to get some sleep." she hears Roxanne say faintly. She manages to walk to a room that she assumes is the guest room and gets into the bed, conscious of Roxanne unzipping her boots and then tucking her in.
"Night, Lils." Roxanne tells her.
"Night." she whispers croakily.
The light goes off and Lily lies there for hours, sobbing into her pillow until the shakes subside and she drifts into an uneasy sleep. When she wakes, the rain has stopped, but her tears still haven't quite dried.
.
Roxanne wakes up thinking that maybe it was all a dream. But she hears Lily's snores through the thin wall and knows that everything she remembers happening last night actually did happen. She doesn't regret yelling at Lily, but she can't help but feel awful. She thinks about Lily being pregnant and a monster seems to swell up inside of her, jealousy threatening to choke and burn her up. She gets out of bed, deciding that a shower will make her feel more human, and tries to decide what to do next. As she shampoos her hair, she thinks about what she can do, what Lily can do. She didn't really ask anything last night, couldn't once she saw Lily with tears streaming down her face. She hasn't seen Lily like that since… No. She hasn't seen Lily like that ever. When she gets out of the shower, she resolves to wake her up and see if she can talk to her.
She knocks on the door, half-hoping that Lily won't answer, half-hoping that she will.
"Come in." Lily calls, throat evidently hurting from last night's crying. She's curled up on her bed and her eyes are still red. Roxanne perches on the edge of the bed, noting that Lily shuffles over a bit so that they don't quite touch.
"How're you doing?" Roxanne begins.
Lily blinks. "How do you think I'm doing?" she says, lacking her usual spark.
Roxanne feels like she could laugh but she can't quite bring herself to do so, instead electing to do nothing. She's never been good in these situations. She's cool and logical, not emotionally atuned or anything. She's bitchy and ambitious and now seems to put herself before anyone else. She used to always put Lily first, but then she got hurt.
She doesn't know if she can go through that again. But maybe she just has to see what happens.
"How far along are you?" she asks Lily.
"Three months."
"Are you keeping it?"
"Yes."
.
Lily could never get rid of her baby. Even if she's scared. She feels too young, too young to be a mother, too young to leave Lysander with no explanation.
She doesn't love him. She knows that. But he loved her. She knew that. She thinks back to leaving him.
"This isn't working." Lily said, confronting Lysander when he walks through the door at one in the morning.
"What?" Lysander said, looking stumped for a moment.
Lily looked at him as though he's stupid. "This. Us. Whatever you want to call it?"
"Are you breaking up with me?"
"Yes."
Lily just stood there, waiting for it to sink in for him. "Ly, this isn't working. I've left a month's worth of rent on the counter."
"You can't just… Lils, you can't just walk out." Lysander had yelled, as though yelling would stop her from leaving.
"I can and I will." Lily had said calmly.
"I moved to England for you!" he shouted. "I left my family behind for you! How can you walk out on me now?"
"I don't love you."
And with that, Lily had walked to the door and left, ignoring Lysander's shouts and pleas and calls. She couldn't be with him anymore. Finding out she was pregnant was only the catalyst to their breakup — there was only so much time in a loveless relationship she could take.
.
Two weeks pass, and Lily is still there. Roxanne still carries on with her life, working on her writing and her shifts at the Leaky Cauldron. Lily stays inside most of the time, hands on her belly that is beginning to show her pregnancy. Roxanne tries to get her out of the house to exercise, and occasionally succeeds, although arguments over it are frequent.
They talk for hours most nights. Reminiscing. Catching up. Apologies on both sides and tears shed. Neither of them talk of their last meeting, only the events before and after it. Neither of them dares touch on that subject. Lily asks about Fred. Roxanne asks about Lysander. They try to forget the first night, when Roxanne yelled and Lily cried, both of them exposed to the bone, human to the core.
Lysander tries to get into contact with Lily. She sends one letter: 'I'm sorry.', and then ignores everything else.
Another week passes and Roxanne tries to convince Lily to contact her parents. She flat out refuses but then emerges from her bedroom the next day and tells her cousin that she's written to James and Al. Roxanne hugs her and both of them know that they hold onto each other for a second too long, hands brushing against each other a little more than necessary.
Neither of them bring it up.
Lily begins to turn back into her usual self, a firework, a blazing inferno, but somehow she seems more restrained. Roxanne doesn't fall back into her usual space, two steps behind her, but seems to be leading her more often that not.
Al writes back, angry but happy to receive contact from Lily. Invites her to his apartment to meet his fiancée. Lily rejects the offer, but thanks him. Tells him she loves and misses him.
James doesn't reply. James doesn't reply to anyone's letters anymore. Lily visits him at St Mungos and makes him promise not to tell anyone of her pregnancy. She shouts at him and he shouts at her and she can't help think how much she's missed him. She can't help but want to cry over how much he's changed and wonder if even a tiny bit of it is her fault.
She tells Roxanne everything. Roxanne tells her anything. After a while, they can't seem to think what their lives would be without each other.
A few weeks later, Lily feels the baby kick for the first time. She calls for Roxanne. A thought of Lysander flashes into her mind but it all seems wrong so she focuses back on the moment. Roxanne is so happy and vivacious. Lily feels more alive than she's felt in four years.
At her ultrasounds, she decides she doesn't want to know the sex of the baby. Roxanne is by her side for every single one.
Three months pass since the night Lily showed up on Roxanne's door step. Three months since a four-year wide gap was breached, a gap that seemed impossible to close or cross. Lily is six months pregnant.
Roxanne remembers. Lily remembers too.
Last day at Hogwarts. Sun in the sky. Students milled around, not wanting to leave, even those who would be back come September. Roxanne and Lily were not amongst those. Roxanne had pulled Lily aside into their old Charms classroom after the ceremony.
"I don't want to leave." she told her. "I know that's stupid."
"No." Lily replied. "It's not. I don't think anyone does. I don't want to move on."
Roxanne's eyes spoke of something deeper than two friends talking about how they didn't want to leave school. Roxanne had never thought Lily would notice, but she does.
"What's up?"
Roxanne hesitated. How could she confess how she feels to Lily? She has a fear of rejection and of being told she's wrong, she's sick and twisted. Lily accepted her when she came out as a lesbian, let her cry on her shoulder after bad breakups, and never once judged her, but Roxanne couldn't quite help but think this time might be the exception. How could Lily feel the same?
And yet, Roxanne had felt herself knowing that if she never told her, she'd regret it forever. How could she have gone on not knowing if Lily ever felt the same?
"I…" she had begun, feeling her throat start to close up, as if telling her not to say anything, but she hadn't stopped. "Lily, I'm in love with you." Once she had started, she couldn't stop. "Not like, I love you, like a cousin. Like, I'm genuinely in love with you. And I know that I sound like a freak and I don't expect you to accept me but I couldn't just never tell you."
Lily had just stared at her, as though she couldn't say anything. Stared at her as though Roxanne was some freak on show; or, at least, that was how it had seemed to Roxanne.
"Please say something." Roxanne had said, trying to ignore the fact that her voice cracked midway through the sentence. "Lils, please don't—"
"Don't call me that." Lily had said suddenly. "Rox, I don't…. I can't. Rox, we're cousins. It's wrong, it's sick! I thought that we were best friends, nothing more. I accepted you and now you're saying you're in love with me? How long? How long have you loved me for?"
"I realised it in third year. Longer than that." Roxanne said, her voice flat. "Lils, I'm sorry."
"No. You can't just say you're in love with me!" Lily shrieked. "You can't just tell me that! What did you expect me to say? What do you want from me?"
"Nothing." Roxanne replied quickly. "Just… can you leave now please." Her voice was filled with defeat.
"You're making me leave?" Lily said. "Rox, I thought you were my best friend. I thought that was how you loved me. I never thought—"
"Get out!" Roxanne yelled, finally allowing herself to get angry. "Get the fuck out!" she fumbled with her wand, pointing it at her cousin.
"Rox, don't do this." Lily pleaded. "I'm sorry, I love you, but I can't…"
"Get out!" Roxanne had yelled louder, jabbed at the air with her wand, had tried to see to see through the tears streaming down her face.
Lily fled the room, leaving Roxanne with tears streaming down her face. Fred had found her. She made up some story about Lily saying she needed to leave and Roxanne being upset. After that, the story had spread. Even Witch Weekly picked it up.
Nobody heard from Lily Luna Potter for a long time.
.
"I didn't know you could knit!" Lily laughs as she walks in on Roxanne knitting. Roxanne jolts slightly, unaware that Lily was even in the flat.
"It's not that hard." she says as she pats the sofa next to her to indicate that Lily should join her. As Lily sits down, she keeps knitting.
"Why don't you just use magic?" Lily asks, puzzled.
Roxanne smiles. "It's a lot more personal this way. I like doing things my own way, not just relying on my magic for everything. I don't think I would mind being a Muggle, if I'm honest."
"Things would be less complicated." Lily says.
"You really think?" Roxanne replies, looking down at her knitting as she does so, avoiding Lily's eyes under the pretense of making sure her knitting is perfect.
"I wouldn't be famous for being a Potter in that world." Lily says. "Other than that, I don't know. I'd probably still be pregnant, knowing me."
Roxanne puts her knitting down and put an arm around her cousin's shoulder. "Hey. You being pregnant is not a bad thing, okay? And whatever you're thinking, I can tell you now that it's not true. You're a good person, Lily."
"Am I? I'm bringing this child into the world without a father. Only three people know I'm pregnant and one is in St Mungos for drug abuse, one is myself and one is…" she fades off.
"One is what?"
"I'm still figuring that out."
Silently, Lily gets up from the sofa and leaves the room. Roxanne sits there, trying to catch her breath and fumbling with her knitting needles, trying to recover and feel like she isn't about to stop breathing.
Could it mean that she loves her too?
From the sounds of it, even Lily doesn't know.
.
When Lily opens the door she feels as though the world is about to cave in. Standing in front of her is Lysander— someone she thought she'd never see again. She'd never really planned what she'd do if she saw him again and now he's standing at her door — or the door to the flat she shares with Roxanne, she doesn't even really know — and she doesn't know what to do.
"You're pregnant."
"Eight months." She regards him with cold eyes, making no movement to let him in or to shut him out.
"Why?"
"Why am I pregnant?" Lily mocks him, even though she knows the real question. 'Why did you leave?' 'Why did you never tell me?'
Lysander sighs. "Would you let me in?"
"Can't say what you need to say out there?" Lily says.
Lysander pushes past her and opens the door. "Is Rox in?"
Lily angrily strides down the hall after him. He makes his way to the kitchen and takes a seat without so much as asking. "No. She's out. Why are you here?"
"I heard you were staying here. I wanted to see you." he replies. "I thought you might miss me."
"You thought wrong." Lily fires back. "There's a reason I left you."
"Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?" Lysander suddenly yells. "Is that why you walked out? What, did you think I'd make such an awful father? Do you think I wouldn't even care that you're having my child?"
"Calm down." Lily says so forcefully that she causes Lysander to sit back a little further. "Stop shouting. I walked out because I didn't love you. I told you that." She takes in a deep, shuddering breath, eyes never leaving Lysander's. "I couldn't have a child with someone I didn't love."
"Couldn't you have told me?"
"I don't want to have this conversation."
"Tough!" A pause. "It's my child too, whether you acknowledge that or not. I.." he trails off. "How could you just leave me? You can't be happy here, surely? Wasn't Roxanne the reason you ran away in the first place?"
A visible shake. "What makes you think that?" Lily snarls.
"She was the last one to see you after graduation. Before you fled. Everyone always assumed…"
"Well, they assumed wrong. I left because I needed to. Not because of anyone else." Lily looks down at the floor, thinking back to when she left. She was just eighteen. She'd thought she was better than anyone back then, that she didn't need anyone to help her. Everyone she knew had been a reason she left. Roxanne had just been the last straw. But now… now she doesn't know what Roxanne means to her. If she's honest, she doesn't really know what anyone or anything means to her.
Sometimes she toys with the idea that maybe she loves Roxanne. She thinks about how maybe they could be together. If she closes her eyes and drifts away she can imagine Roxanne's lips on hers. The thought doesn't repulse her like it used to. It feels almost natural; like they are everything right and good and not wrong and bad, not the way she looked at Roxanne when she found out how she felt about her. She's had almost five years to reflect on that moment, on what Roxanne told her.
She's beginning to change her mind.
"You need to leave here." Lysander tells her. "You can't be with your cousin right now. The baby needs a proper family. I could be a great father."
"You will be." Lily tells him. "Just not to my baby. I'm not leaving Roxanne, I—" She cuts herself off abruptly. She was about to say 'I love her'. She doesn't know quite how that almost happened but she begins shaking so badly that she has to sit down. For a moment she feels like she can't breathe, like she wants a hole in the earth to swallow her up and she can feel Lysander looking at her like he knows. She feels almost sick at the thought that he could figure it out.
Then she hears the sound of Roxanne's voice. "Lily, I'm home." she calls out.
She can't answer. She briefly feels a part of herself wishing Rox didn't have to come home to find Lysander in the kitchen, not when all she wants to do now is kiss Roxanne and tell her how she feels. She hates that it's Lysander of all people that's helped her come to this conclusion. She hates everything except Roxanne and it's suffocating her.
"We're in the kitchen." Lysander calls out and Lily winces.
Roxamme comes through, looking pale. "You." she says, staring at Lysander. He raises his hands in mock-surrender and Roxanne looks at him like he's the dirt on the bottom of her shoe. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to see Lily."
"Yeah, I guessed as much." Roxanne says scathingly. "And does she want you here?"
Lily finally recovers and is able to breathe. "Rox, I can speak for myself. We were just talking about the baby. Lysander wants to be a father to it."
"And?" Roxanne prompts. Lily can feel how badly she wants Lily to say that, no, Lysander won't be part of the baby's life.
"I think he can be."
.
When Roxanne goes to bed that night, she cries. She cries because she thought she was so close to being happy, to having someone and she cries because she's so scared that Lily is going to be ripped away from her. She's scared that when the baby is born everything will change and she's scared that it won't. She's scared that things will happen that she can't control and everything will blow out of proportion and she mainly just cries because there's no other option.
Around three in the morning, she hears her bedroom door open. The mattress dips down slightly as Lily sits on it.
"Can we talk?"
"I'm guessing this can't wait until morning?" Roxanne replies.
Roxanne can feel Lily smile, even in the darkness. "You're not supposed to answer a question with a question."
"Do you always do what you're supposed to do?" Roxanne asks her, not really expecting a response. She expects Lily to get up and leave silently, leaving the door ajar. That's what she'd do. But then again, there's a reason the two of them are so different.
"I love you."
Silence.
"Go back to bed, Lils."
"Aren't you going to—"
"I love you too. Go back to bed."
.
Lily doesn't quite know what possessed her to go to Roxanne's room at three in the morning. She'd been lying awake all night, thinking and dreaming and wanting to tell her until she finally plucked up the courage. It was as though if she hadn't told her then, she never would.
She's terrified for morning to come.
Are they going to ignore what happened? What if Roxanne forgot about it all? Thoughts keep spinning round in her head like leaves in a whirlwind and she can't seem to straighten them out, to put things right and figure out exactly what's going on. She wishes she could get some kind of clarity in her mind.
She still has to care for two people, herself and the baby and she's scared that all the stress she's under is going to mess things up. She has to put the baby first, she knows that, but everything is turned upside down in her head and she just wants to know if Roxanne still feels the same way she did four years ago. She's terrified that she's changed — that Lily doesn't matter to her in that way anymore.
When she heads to the kitchen for breakfast, her heart is pounding, palms sweating, throat closed up and dry. Roxanne is already in there, as usual.
"Morning." she says cheerfully. Lily just stands there for a moment before she walks and stands next to Roxanne, leaning on the counter.
"Can we talk?" Lily says in lieu of a 'good morning'.
Roxanne closes her eyes for a moment. "Yes."
"Last night, I told you I loved you. I don't know how long I've loved you, exactly. Maybe… maybe I always have but never really knew, you know?" She stops. "I sound stupid. I haven't really planned what I'm going to say even though I've been thinking about you and me and us all night and I just wish that I could put it all into words but I don't even know what 'it all' is so it's so hard. I love you. I've got to a stage where I can't imagine life without you and I sound so clingy and needy and desperate but I love you and I want you in my life permanently. I know I hurt you. I know i've done awful things and I don't even know if you can forgive me for leaving for so long because we only ever talked about that once and I always felt that I didn't apologise enough. But I want you to give me a chance. I want you to give us a chance."
Lily doesn't dare look at Roxanne's face, doesn't dare try and see what she's thinking because she's so scared that Roxanne will kick her out, like she did before. She couldn't stand having her life repeat itself, especially as the difference this time is that she loves Roxanne. She just stands still and waits for Roxanne to say something.
"Can I kiss you?"
Before Lily even says anything her lips are on her cousin's. It starts slow, starts as healing broken halves, re-forming shattered promises, but then speeds up, flashing crimson and gold and blue and bronze, hands on face, touching softly and hands on back, supporting and guiding. They're insistent, wanting, needing. Lily lets her mouth open and feels Roxanne kiss her deeper, and lets her do it. She's willing to relinquish control for Roxanne; she doesn't need to be in charge anymore, doesn't need to call the shots for everything. She trusts Roxanne, and she feels safe. She can't recall a time in the past four years where she's ever felt as safe. After an eternity, they pull away and for a moment just stare at each other, breaths in sync with each other and Lily smiles.
"I'm sorry." Lily says.
"I know."
And then their lips touch again.
.
"Am I your girlfriend?" Lily says late at night when the two of them are drinking tea in the kitchen, wrapped up in pyjamas and blankets.
"If you want to be."
"Of course I want to be."
The two of them lapse into a comfortable silence, sitting in the dim light and appreciating a silent moment. And then Lily cries out. Within seconds, Roxanne is by her side.
"What is it?"
"I think the baby is coming."
.
Roxanne hates hospitals. They all seem harsh and unforgiving; doctors and nurses in a rush, never stopping, never once halting and she hates the anxiety she feels every time she steps inside one. They remind her of Fred's suicide, Rose's miscarriage, James' drug problem. Even every accidental broken bone and everything that she'd rather forget. She doesn't really want to step inside one again.
But for Lily, she will.
Seeing as St Mungos doesn't even have a maternity ward, they're at a Muggle hospital. Roxanne worries for the whole taxi ride there. From everything the two of them have found out about magical pregnancy, all forms of magical transport are dangerous to the baby if used for the last six months of pregnancy. Roxanne can hardly stand seeing Lily in pain — it reminds her of everything awful and she doesn't want anything awful to happen to Lily. She deserves none of it. It seems strange to Roxanne that something as beautiful as bringing new life into the world can be so painful.
She can't help but wonder how the baby being born will change everything between the two of them. And she hates how selfish that makes her. She shouldn't be thinking these things — the baby is the most important, after all. But telling that to herself can't stop her from thinking thoughts that she wants to push away. How can Lily raise a baby when she's in a relationship like this? Society isn't exactly completely accepting of homosexuality yet. Coupled with the taboo of Lily and Roxanne's relationship… Roxanne doesn't know what could happen and she can't stand thinking about what might happen. But she doesn't think for a moment that everything will work out alright. How could it? In her life, things never seem to. There's an endless list of dates and places where things went wrong, where part of her life got flushed down the drain, pushed away never to be put quite right again. After all that, she can't trust that everything will work out alright.
She keeps her hand holding tightly onto Lily's and comforts her and encourages her. The doubts and the fear can wait for later. The incessant voice in the back of her head that whispers 'she's not going to want you after the baby is born' will just have to be kept at bay for the time being.
Roxanne will not put herself first. Not at a time like this. Even though she's beginning to feel sick at the thought of not having Lily any more.
"Everything is going to be okay." she tells Lily, even though she doesn't quite believe it herself.
.
Noah Potter is a beautiful baby. Lily holds him in her arms, exhausted but happy, Roxanne by her side. He's healthy and happy and she swears that when he looks in her eyes he knows how much she loves him already. She knows she'll never be able to let go of him, that she'll keep him close forever.
"He's so beautiful." Roxanne says. Lily doesn't say anything, just hums contentedly. For a moment, it seems as though her whole life is finally together. She has everything she needs. She doesn't care about the future for now, or about the explanations and the secrets. She knows nothing is going to be perfect, but she wouldn't want it that way anyway. She flashes by in crimson and gold and that's how she works; she's afraid of what's to come, yes, but that won't make her run away.
"I'm going to miss you." Roxanne whispers.
Lily looks up at her, wishing she could say she were shocked. "You're leaving." She glances down at Noah. It's his fault, really, but she doesn't blame him. She can't blame anyone, really.
"I have to."
"No." Lily tells her. "You don't have to. You're running away."
"It's easier this way." Her cousin says. "I've written to Al, he's on his way here now. You have your family. You and I both know that we can't raise a baby like this. She'd never understand. I'm your cousin, Lils."
"You can't walk out on me!" Lily's voice cracks halfway through the sentence and she tries her best to hold back the tears, at least until Roxanne leaves. She knows that it's not a possibility but a probability. More than that, now. Perhaps nothing will stop her cousin — her lover, her girlfriend, her everything — leaving now.
"It's not walking out. It's for the best." Roxanne says softly.
It's that sentence that makes Lily angry for the first time. "For the greater good, then? You and I both know that never works out."
"This doesn't change anything. I still love you. I just… I have to go." Tears begin streaming down Roxanne's face and she makes no movement to hide them or brush them away.
Lily doesn't bother to say anything else. She knows Roxanne has made up her mind — no one can change it now. She watches her cousin as Roxanne stands there for a long, lingering second before she turns on her heel and leaves, shutting the door calmly behind her. Those not directly involved would call it poetic; Lily has walked out on Roxanne before and now the favour is being returned. Lily thinks that and bitterly wonders if maybe this was always meant to happen.
Lily waits for the door to click shut before she lets herself cry. She shrinks back into her bedsheets, holding Noah even tighter, and waits for Albus to arrive.
.
Roxanne gets out of the hospital as quickly as she can. Somehow, she navigates the maze of endless corridors and gets out before she has an urge to turn around and go straight back to Lily. Whatever happens, she can't do that. She'd never have the courage to walk away a second time. She begins to regret her decision to leave but forces herself to keep walking, always keep moving — if she does that, it's going to be okay. If she can only keep putting one foot in front of the other, she'll figure things out. If she only keeps moving.
She knows that she shouldn't have left mere hours after Noah was born, but she also knows that if she hadn't left then, she never would have been able to. As she keeps on walking, it strikes her that she doesn't know where she's going. She doesn't feel like she can go back to the flat — because it's not just her flat anymore. It's the flat where she's spent what seems like an eternity with Lily and, at least for a few hours, she can't head back there. It occurs to her that she doesn't really have anyone to go to. It's not that she doesn't have friends — she just kind of let them fall by the wayside for a while. She doesn't think she could contact one of them now. Not at this point in time. She'd never be able to act like she's okay and it would only cause questions. Questions she doesn't want to answer right now. Questions she never wants to answer.
And so she heads to the only two people that she knows won't push her for an answer, or judge her for anything: her parents.
.
When Albus arrives, Lysander is with him. Lily had almost forgotten her promise: that Lysander could be a father to her child. She doesn't quite know if she regrets it. Thing is, Lysander's not a bad guy. Maybe things would be easier if Lily could just love Lysander. But she can't and she doesn't and there's absolutely nothing she can do about that. Lysander holds Noah whilst Albus talks to Lily.
"We all miss you." Al tells her. "Mum and Dad blame themselves. James never said he did but it's not hard to realise that he does."
"Is it my fault?" Lily asks before she's even fully thought it through. "James' drug problem?"
"The whole world doesn't revolve around you, Lils." Al says coldly. "Maybe partly. But there were other things too."
Lily looks across the room to Lysander. He's smiling and looking down at his son and for a moment Lily wonders if maybe she could be happy with Lysander. She lived with him for a year and even though she didn't know if she could love him, she does know that maybe she could. Just as she's imagining it, Roxanne's face flashes into her mind. And she hates her for that. Hates herself, too. But she knows with a distinct finality that she can never be happy with Lysander as long as she knows that there is even a tiny possibility that she could still be with Roxanne. Just as she's formulating plans to get to Roxanne, to talk to her again, Albus jolts her out of it.
"I'm an uncle now." he says simply. He leans over and hugs Lily and she feels almost complete again.
.
"Where've you been, Rox?" Angelina Weasley says as he opens the door. She calls over her shoulder, "George, Roxie's here!"
Roxanne smiles and steps in the door, just as her Dad comes barreling down the hall to scoop her up into a bear-hug. She hugs him back tightly and steps back, looking at the smile on his face and realises how much she missed him. She hugs her Mum, albeit not as tightly, and the three adults step through to the kitchen.
"I missed you two." she says, allowing her to be drawn back into the world of Weasley; finding out that Lucy is engaged, Louis is hellbent on travelling the world but his parents are trying to stop him, scared he won't come back. Grandad Arthur is still messing about with Muggle things, and Weasley's Wizard Wheezes is going strong as always.
Roxanne hasn't lived with her parents for four years but every time she goes back still still feels like she's going home.
.
Eventually, Lily goes to find Roxanne. It isn't an immediate decision and it isn't an easy one but when she looks down at Noah in her arms she knows that this baby might be Lysander's son but Roxanne was the one who was always there, even when Lily had flat out rejected her and pushed her away. Roxanne is the name that circles around in Lily's head day and night and she finds herself not caring what people think, not caring that it's wrong.
Maybe it isn't all going to work out. Maybe Lily will go to Roxanne and it will make everything so much worse. But Lily is a Gryffindor and she's sure as hell not going to go down without a fight.
She's going to work things out.
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