Finding Happiness
Completed: 10/19/04
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Are Josh and Donna ready to move on?
Author's Notes: First and foremost, this is a shitty title. Second, this might not make sense to anyone but me, and if that's the case, don't' be afraid to e-mail me and say, Jen…you've completely lost it. I won't be offended. Anyway, I've been writing crap for the last several days and this idea came from one of the crappy ones.
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It's a constant state of euphoria. That's the only way I can think to describe it. I'm sitting here, staring at a plane ticket, and I can't wipe the smile off my face.
It's odd, really. You think you know how your life is supposed to go, and then something happens, you're not really sure what, but something happens and your life turns upside down. It's like everything you knew before is… I don't even know. And the weird thing is, you can't even really pinpoint when or how it happened.
Actually, that's not true. I know exactly when it happened. I just don't know how. It happened last Saturday night. I was out with Toby, Josh, CJ, and Carol, and I went to the bar for more drinks. That's when the biggest idiot in DC proceeded to hit on me. I tried the polite angle, I tried the in a hurry angle, I tried the ignoring him angle; this guy just couldn't take a hint. So, I took the coward's way out. I pulled out my college name. You know the name I'm talking about. All women had them. The fake name and number you gave to a guy at a bar that you didn't want calling. I hadn't used the name in years, but looking at this guy, it just spilled forth from my lips.
Once I had given out the "name and number" and gotten rid of the idiot, I turned around and he was staring at me, with a smile on his face. I hadn't fooled him in the slightest. "I was desperate, he wasn't taking no for an answer," I said, looking at the man.
He tried to put on a very serious face. "I see. Is this a technique you use on a regular basis?"
"No. If I met a nice, decent looking guy, and he asked for my name and number, I'd tell the truth," I said smiling at him, flirting a little, I admit.
And then we started talking. He told me that he had a fake name in college as well, and we talked about everything and nothing. We talked about college lit courses and bad dates and our favorite movies. The amazing thing about it was that we didn't talk about politics at all. Maybe that's why I enjoyed it so much; it was so… out of the norm for me. Anyway, we talked the rest of the evening, sitting there by the bar, both of us ignoring the people we'd come with. And at the end of the night, we had shared a cab. He dropped me off at my apartment and waited until I was inside before he left. He hadn't kissed me, hadn't even touched me. We hadn't made any plans to see each other again, but something had happened, and we both knew it.
So, I wasn't too surprised when I got "Rebecca" two days later. I had gone to the grocery store on the way home from work and when I got home, a first edition copy of "Rebecca" was sitting on my doorstep. I had mentioned to him that I loved that book in college. I don't know why I mentioned it to him, I'm not sure I've ever mentioned it to anyone else, but for whatever reason, it had come up. Anyway, the book was on my doorstep with a note that said, "Can't stop thinking about you. Nathan." And when I read it, I couldn't help smiling.
I called him that night and we talked for six hours on the phone. Six hours. In fact, we talked until I had to get ready for work. And again, we talked about nothing and everything. We barely talked about work, we didn't talk about politics, we just…talked.
And then yesterday the roses came. Two-dozen red roses with a note that said, "Still can't stop thinking about you. Nathan." Since then, I haven't been able to stop staring at them. I've been thinking about all the other times I've received flowers here. Those have always been from Josh, and to be fair, they've always been beautiful. But never roses. Josh could never, would never, send me roses. Roses signify feelings stronger than friendship, and Josh and I could never… we just couldn't.
For a few minutes, I felt guilty. Why did these flowers make me so giddy? Should I be waiting for…something else? But then, Nathan had called and asked me if I wanted to have dinner and I couldn't say no. My heart beats faster to just hear him talk to me. To hear him say things that no other man has ever said. And I know it's not fair to compare him, I know that Josh couldn't say those things to me, but Nathan can and he does, and it's bringing my heart to life.
And now, I'm staring at this ticket. This round-trip plane ticket that just arrived with a note that simply reads, "Come away with me this weekend. Nathan." I can't do this, can I? I can't go away with him, can I? I'm falling too fast and too hard for this guy, right? But if that's the case, why does it feel so natural?
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"Josh, do you have a minute?" I ask, walking into his office.
He looks up from the memo he's reading. "Sure, what's up?"
"Umm… I was wondering. Would it be ok if I took the weekend off?"
"The weekend? Big plans?" he asks.
I don't really know what to say, I don't want to give too much away, but I can't stop smiling. "Well… actually, Nathan asked me to go out of town this weekend."
"Really?" I half expect him to do the sabotage thing, but he doesn't. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, he's been seeing someone too, but for whatever reason, I guess I always thought we'd have… whatever.
"Yeah, I know it's quick, but… it's not," I say shrugging.
He doesn't ask if I can trust this guy, he doesn't tell me to be careful, he just asks if this is what I want. "You want to go?"
I pause for a second. This seems like a big step. Who am I kidding; this is huge. "Yeah, I do."
"Ok, have fun," he says smiling. And it's a real smile; he's really happy for me.
"What are you gonna do this weekend?"
"I don't know. Something with Jessica, I wasn't planning on coming in anyway."
"Ok, thanks." And I'm smiling too. I'm genuinely happy for him and I can't help wondering…how did we get here?
I start to leave when he stops me. "Hey Donna?" I turn to look at him. "Have fun." And now I'm smiling even more.
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Have you ever wanted something that you couldn't have? Wanted it so long that it consumed you and started to slowly kill you? I have; I've wanted like that. And then, it became too much. It was too hard, and I had to change it. I had to let myself live, just a little.
She has this laugh, this… thing about her. It was easy. Just like that, it was easy to care for her. It was easy to say things to her. All these things that I've held inside for so long because I wasn't allowed to say them to the one person I wanted to, suddenly they came pouring out of me to her. It's like… you think you know what love is. You've wanted it and you've had ideas of how it's supposed to work and when it's supposed to work, and then, everything changes and it's… it's just so easy.
It's like every minute that I'm talking to her is precious and never hard. And she's on her way to knowing me better than anyone ever has, even better than Donna, and that's not Donna's fault. It's because there are things I say to her that I could never say to Donna.
And I can't help thinking of Donna. How badly I've always wanted that to work, and how hard it's always been. And Donna, she deserves everything. She deserves a man that can tell her how he feels, not someone who has to hide the way he looks at her. She deserves a man who just has to be around her, someone who wants to make her happy above all else. This guy, Nathan, he makes her face light up like I've never seen it. This whole time, I thought what we had was good enough, but I saw the card; he says things to her. Those things that I could never say. And he shows her how much he cares for her. She deserves that, she really does, and I'm happy that Nathan can be the man I can't be to her. And at the same time, I'm a little sad.
But the truth is, I deserve a woman who can be all of that to me. Again, I know it's not Donna's fault. There are things she can't say, things she can't do, because of who she is and who I am. I'm not blaming her. I'm just saying that I deserve… see, Jessica and I talk all the time. She made me dinner last night, and the whole time we were eating, she couldn't stop touching my hand. She wanted to be near me, and she could be, so she was. To her, I'm not a politician; she just wants to be with me. And, I want to be with her.
And now, I just got this e-mail. The subject says, "What do you think?" and I open it to find a confirmation from Two tickets for the Mets game this Saturday, the tickets being held at will-call. And just like that, I'm smiling again.
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"I'm leaving," she says, poking her head into my office on Friday.
I look up from the computer. "Oh right, the big weekend trip."
She smiles and I can see happiness literally radiating right through her. "Yeah, he's picking me up in an hour. We're flying out tonight."
I can't help staring at her when she's this happy. She's beautiful. "You're smiling a lot."
She bites her lip, but she can't help it. "I know. I can't seem to stop."
I nod. "He's a lucky guy."
"I'm a lucky girl," she says.
I shake my head at her. "Donna, he's a lucky guy." And he is. He's very lucky.
"Thanks." It gets quiet and neither of us knows what to say. "You're spending the weekend with Jessica?" she finally asks.
Now I'm smiling. "Yeah, we're going out of town too, actually."
"Really? That's pretty quick."
"No quicker than you and…" I couldn't help myself. I let just a little of the old Josh shine through.
"Nathan."
"Right."
"I know it's quick, but…it feels right."
I nod. "When you know, you know." I'm talking about her, but it fits both of us and she knows it.
It's quiet for another minute before she speaks again. "Well, have fun with Jessica."
"And you have fun with…"
She smiles knowingly at me. "Nathan."
"Right."
She turns to leave, but pauses at the door and looks back. "He's not a gomer, Josh."
"Sure he is. They're all gomers when it comes to you."
"This one deserves me," she whispers.
I shake my head and whisper back. "No he doesn't." And he doesn't. No one does, really.
She looks down at her feet. "How about Jessica? Does she deserve you?"
"She deserves so much better than me."
She looks up at me and smiles. "I doubt she'd see it that way."
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I practically skip home to get ready, except that I'm driving, so I'm not really skipping at all. And the whole time I finish packing, I'm singing stupid 80's songs about love and…well, that's it, just love. And then I finish packing and I'm sitting here, waiting on Nathan to pick me up, and I'm nervous. Excited, but nervous. In fact, it's possible that I've never been this excited or this nervous in my entire life. And before I have time to ponder why that is, the doorbell rings and I answer it.
And he's standing there with a smile on his face looking at me like I'm the only woman in the world. And I freeze. I'm just looking at him and I can't move and I can't ask him in because I can't really find any words to say and it occurs to me that I should've taken the time to ponder why I was so nervous.
He starts to say something, but then he sees my face and he knows something is up, so he just stands there, trying to let me work it out. But after thirty seconds or so, when it becomes clear that I'm freaking out, he nudges my shoulder and gently pushes me in the door and sits me on the bench in the foyer.
He kneels in front of me and I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the wall across from me, and I'm pale. I know I'm always pale, but right now I am alarmingly pale, and he obviously notices it because he looks very worried.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
I look at his face and I almost smile. But then I remember. "I don't…" I don't know how to say this; I don't even know what it is I want to say. "I don't want to go to New York with you," comes out, like I'm in some hypnotic state.
He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. "It's too soon," he says, taking my hands in his.
"No, it's not too soon. It's…" and I don't know how I get the rest of it out, but it comes out as a whisper. "You're not the one I want to go with."
This takes him by surprise and he looks absolutely horrified. I can't blame him. I know he thought I wanted this, because until I answered the door, so did I. "You…you don't want this?"
I shake my head. "Not with you." He's still looking at me, and he looks sad and confused. "I…" He pulls his hands away from mine, but I grab them and hold on to him. He tries to pull away again, but I don't let him and I'm trying not to cry, but tears are brimming in my eyes. "There's this man. He's impossible and…we're impossible. But he's the one, and although this week with you has been amazing… in the end, it's still him that I love."
"Donna…"
I shake my head. "You're not supposed to call me that."
"I know, but…"
"When we're together, I'm not her," I whisper and a tear finally breaks from my eyes and rolls down my cheek. He reaches up and wipes it away with his thumb.
"But you can be. We can leave Nathan and Jessica here. We don't need them anymore. I know we did at first, to be able to say things, to be able to… but they're just names, people we pretended to be in college. I don't want to be Nathan, Donna. I don't want you to be Jessica.
The tears keep sliding down my face and he keeps brushing them away with his thumbs, and it feels so good to have him touching me. I finally close my eyes and lean into his touch just a little. "But, this trip…"
He leans down close to my face and kisses my cheek; our first kiss. Then he kisses my forehead and keeps his lips lightly against me as he speaks. "I never had any intentions of taking Jessica or being Nathan on this trip. I just wanted to go away with you and this was the only way I knew how to ask."
I bring my hands up and cup his face in my palms, and then I lean back so I can look at him. "Being Josh and Donna isn't going to be easy."
"I don't care anymore. It'll be worth it. You're worth it." And then he pulls me close and kisses me and I can taste my tears on his lips and feel his fingers lightly trembling on my cheekbone. And it's too much but not nearly enough and it seems to last forever but it's over way too soon, and it's absolutely perfect. And then he pulls back and looks at me and I'm still crying, but now it's out of happiness. "Donna?" he whispers.
"Josh?"
"Come away with me this weekend."