Don't Mess With Toto

"Justice…blah blah blah…angst…blah blah blah…"

The Wicked Witch of the West wished the girl would just shut up. She also wished she'd never sent her winged monkeys to abduct her. Because while her winged monkeys were vicious creatures in various shades of black and grey, this girl, this twenty-something, cigar-smoking, sunglasses-wearing, heavily built girl (actually, scratch that, lady), was something else entirely.

"Cause I've had it with these motherfuckin' monkeys on this motherfuckin-"

Oh, and she carried a gun. Of course she did. You couldn't be an arse-kicking heroine without a gun.

Wait, how do I know what a gun is?

The girl spat out something that looked like gum. Never mind that she'd been smoking a few seconds ago.

So, in this adaptation, is Oz in the girl's head? Or is it a bona fide location?

The witch hoped it was the latter. If the former, then the real world was doomed.

Bam!

The girl had fired, and one of the Winkies collapsed in a heap.

"I'm sorry," asked the girl. "Did I break your concentration?"

Wait, is this still Wizard of Oz? Or did we enter Pulp Fiction?

The witch didn't know, anymore how she could have had any idea what pulp fiction actually was bar something Munchkins read when they weren't singing about homicide. But it didn't matter. It was over. And she could see the girl's companions coming up the stairs to join you. The Woodsman, his axe dripping with blood, the words "I ain't got no heart" written across his chest. The Lion, the one who actually looked normal, even embarrassed to be there. He looked at her, as if wanting to say "I didn't sign up for this. And I know I'm a coward, but this is seriously messed up."

The witch smiled at him – poor thing. True, she was an evil overlord who ruled over an entire race, but at least she didn't base her existence around one-liners.

"Ah, the bitch who's the witch."

Case in point, the Scarecrow. Crows covering his shoulders, their eyes blazing red, giving new meaning to the phrase "murder of crows." His mouth stitched up and his eyes black and empty.

"Want me to use my fear gas on her?" the Scarecrow asked.

"No," said the girl. "This isn't Batman."

Could have fooled me.

"Now then," said the girl, walking up to the witch, putting the gun to her chin. "Where's. My. Dog?"

"Toto?" the witch asked. "Oh, I've got him right here. I-"

Bam!

The witch howled as the bullet shattered her kneecap. "What the hell?"

"What?" asked the girl, extinguishing her cigarette with her boot. "This is the dark and gritty version. You can't have dark and gritty without shooting someone."

The witch supposed she should have been grateful that the cigarette wasn't put out on her flesh. Or that a house wasn't dropped on her, crushing her to death in an orgy of blood and guts. Or that there wasn't any water present.

Actually, I could go for some water.

Well, no matter. The adaptation had lost any sense of resemblance to the original work, so at least this time she might get out of this encounter alive. Or at least she thought that until she opened the basket that she'd been keeping the girl's dog in. And a huge, snarling, monster jumped out, tearing out her throat. AS one would expect from a K9 dog who'd been trained to bring in the meanest, baddest, most psychotic members of society, Kansas or otherwise.

"That's right," said the girl. "Don't mess with Toto."

For a moment, the witch remembered another girl. A girl named Dorothy. A girl who'd been sweet and kind. How her friends had been likewise. How she had indeed, been the villain. And how all of that had been conveyed without this kind of violence.

But only for a moment.

It was hard to think for long when you were torn apart.

A/N

So recently I learnt of Emerald City, a Wizard of Oz adaptation that involves Dorothy being twenty years old and a police officer, Toto being a dog in the K9 unit, and how both of them are transported to the Emerald City to solve crimes and whatnot in a "dark re-imagining" of the setting that has been described as "Game of Thrones meets Wizard of Oz." And...yeah. I think that speaks for itself. :(

Ended up drabbling this up as a result.