Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters of Avatar: The Last Airbender or The Last Airbender. Yes, they are different. They belong to Nickelodeon and Paramount, respectively. Even though Viacom basically owns everything, including your soul. I only own TheSixthOtaku, CassandraTruth and Commander Sol. If any of those names were already used by someone else, well I hope you don't mind me using them in this fic.
A/N: I decided to discontinue my old fanfic "M. Night Madness" and write this instead because the entire premise of and humor derived from "M. Night Madness" was completely hinged on bashing the cast and the crew of the movie and M. Night Shyamalan, himself. (Even if I originally said I didn't mean to). To be fair, it's hard not to. The problem is, it doesn't feel right when the ones you're bashing are actual people and it doesn't feel right to bash them for doing their job.
But anyway, this new fanfiction will focus only the movie characters themselves instead of the actors and actresses who play them; or at least my interpretation of the characters from what we have seen. I may also grossly exaggerate some characteristics for the sake of the Rule of Funny. And I will try to keep the M. Night Shyamalan references to a minimum; "try" being the key word.
Also, please tell me if I should continue writing in script style or if I should go for the more normal story style like in "M. Night Madness". I wrote this like a script because I wanted it to be similar to my old "Interview with the Elder God" fanfiction and to make it easier to tell who is speaking at the moment.
Also if you'd like, you can also ask questions to the different characters in later chapters. Just include your questions in your review. And if you have any shipping requests, I'll see what I can do.
Lastly, the names of the movie characters will now be based on the movie name pronunciations.
Chapter 1: Aang and Ong
One day, at the studio of Ba Sing Se Central Network Channel, people from all the different nations gathered around a large stage to witness something that had never happened before in their world. It was the dawning of a new age; an age of transcendence, a new reality.
A woman with a blank smile on her face appeared in the center of the stage and several Dai Li agents facing the crowd held up cards with the word "Applause", written on them. The audience, in turn, applauded, some out of fear and others out of genuine fascination.
Joo Dee: Hello and welcome to "Beside the Fourth Wall", where live action and animation combine! I am Joo Dee and I will be your host in this wonderful talk show. Tonight, our honored guests are none other than the Avatars themselves.
Backstage, some waterbenders created a fog for spectacle. Out of the fog emerged the two guest stars: Aang from the animated series and Ong from the live action movie. At their sudden appearance, the crowd broke into thunderous applause.
At a quick glance, it was already apparent to the audience that there was a stark difference between the two. Aang was full of boundless energy and constantly smiled as he performed various airbending tricks. The crowd absolutely loved him. Ong, however, took a more formal route and gave an expressionless but dignified bow. He received a more lukewarm reception, save for one exception. An audience member garbed in blue cheered wildly for both Avatars, frothing at the mouth even. After having his third epileptic seizure though, he was forcibly escorted out of the premises by Dai Li agents.
Joo Dee: Greetings Avatars Aang and Ong! It is such a wonderful honor to have both of you on our show today.
Aang: No problem! It's great to have something to do again after the show ended. I mean sure, I have lots of time to be with Katara now. But there's really not much to do now after saving the world and bringing balance and all that stuff.
Ong said nothing as he fingered an ornate pendant bearing the air nomad symbol in his hand. He didn't mind that Aang and Joo Dee paid him no attention.
Joo Dee: Avatar Aang, this business of a new world overlapping with our own must all be quite exciting. How do you feel about all of this?
Aang: Oh, it is exciting! Think about it! It's a whole new world of possibilities! Everything's going to be so different again! Oh and get this! In Ong's world, you can actually move in all three dimensions! Is that neat or what? I mean, don't get me wrong. World peace was great and all but it got really boring afterwards without the constant threat of death, capture and torture or impending tyrannical world domination looming over our heads on a daily basis. I have to say that I really do miss it. That was so much fun!
Paying Aang no heed, Ong began mumbling to himself while slowly rocking his body back and forth.
Ong: It's all my fault. They're all gone and it was all my fault.
It was as though Ong wasn't even there. Joo Dee and Aang continued their discussion without a care in the world.
Aang: At one point, I got so bored that I even unlocked ex-Fire Lord Ozai's cell, just to see if he would escape and try to take over the world again. But he kind of just stayed there and kept drooling and babbling nonsense words. He didn't even try. The mind ra… oh I mean energy-bending, yes, the energy-bending I used on Ozai must have been a bit too strong. I tried setting Azula free too except that the mental facility already dru… err, I mean fixed her up so that she wouldn't even hurt the tiniest turtle-duck.
Aang innocently pulled on the collar on his neck as he spoke.
Joo Dee: That is indeed most wonderful news, Avatar Aang. And are you getting along splendidly with Avatar Ong?
Aang: Oh yeah, definitely! I've been giving him lots of tips on how to be a proper Avatar and we've been bonding a lot. We've gone penguin-sledding, sliding down the Omashu postal system, cliff-diving, snatching eggs from sleeping platypus-bears, oh and we herded a bunch of wild boar-q-pines too!
Joo Dee: Wild boar-q-pines? My, how dangerous!
Aang: Yeah, wild boar-q-pines! But we did this in Ong's world. We herded them into komodo rhino pens in several Fire Nation camps to cause massive stampedes. They're not very rhino-like at all but they sure pack a mean bite. Then, Ong and I would play this game to see who could dodge the deadly throng of quills, fangs and fire the longest. I always won, of course, not to brag or anything. Oh and we also did some training exercises.
Joo Dee: May I ask what sort of training exercises these were?
Aang: Just the usual. I'd set a few villages on fire here and there to simulate an actual Fire Nation attack and Ong had to rescue the trapped orphans in under five minutes and put out the fires. I also taught him how to lie, cheat, scam, vandalize, steal and withhold valuable information but only for the benefit of world's greater good.
Joo Dee: Most fascinating, Avatar Aang.
At this moment, Ong closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh. The pendant remained tightly clenched in his fist. Aang noticed this and tried to cheer him up.
Aang: Hey buddy, what's wrong? You shouldn't be so glum. You should be happy, just like me!
Ong met his animated counterpart with a fierce and burning glare.
Ong: You just don't get it, do you?
Aang: What's your problem anyway? Ever since we met, you've been sulking and staring at nothing nonstop! You barely smile, let alone laugh! To be honest, it's starting to get a little creepy.
Something snapped in Ong as his voice took an angry tone.
Ong: Creepy? You think I'm creepy? You got your entire culture wiped out too but you don't see me gallivanting around having all sorts of wacky adventures everyday like everything is perfectly fine and normal! I can't even sleep right because of all the nightmares I've been having! But for you, everything's just a big game, isn't it? All you ever care about is going on wild adventures and having fun! I've had it with all your extreme Avatar exercises that almost directly contradict with your "all life is sacred" philosophies.
Aang: Aww, come on! No one got hurt.
Ong: Only because you made it my responsibility to make sure no one got hurt! Look, my point is, people don't just wake up one day find to out that they're the last of their kind, that their entire civilization is dead, that a hundred years of war, strife and carnage have gone by and realize that it's all their fault to begin with and then think that it's perfectly alright just because getting a girlfriend more than makes up for it! Compared to me, the way you're acting, it's not normal. It's not even creepy. It's borderline psychotic!
Aang: Well, I'm not the one whose first appearance looked like a mug shot!
Ong: Well, excuse me for having a bad hair day.
Aang: Your arrow's not even a solid blue! Do you have any idea how painful it is to get a full single-color arrow?
Ong: Oh, don't even start with the arrow.
Seeing that the conversation was growing way out of hand, Joo Dee tried to intervene between the two Avatars and resume the talk show, smiling blankly all the way through.
Joo Dee: All right. I think we're all getting a little too excited about our own personal adventures right now. Why don't we move on to answering a few questions from the audience, shall we?
With this sudden change of topic, Aang dropped his argument with Ong and snapped back to his cheery self.
Aang: Great! I love answering questions. Ask away!
An audience member stood up.
TheSixthOtaku: Hi! Uh, first of all I'd like to say that I'm a huge fan! You guys are awesome! I just have one question for both you. Uh, do you see dead people?
Both Avatars began to answer at the same time
Ong: Do I see dead people? What kind of question is that? Of course I see dead people. I see dead people all the time…
Aang: Well, being the bridge between the Spirit World and the World of the Living…
Ong: … I saw dead people scattered all over the Prayer Field in the Southern Air Temple. Airbenders and Firebenders…
Aang: … I guess you could say that I do see dead people. I can see both Spirits and the souls of people…
Ong: … all over the place! I saw dead people in the ruins of deserted towns that were burned down by the Fire Nation. There were…
Aang: … who have passed on. I have visions sometimes, visions of the past. And besides, a good friend of mine once told me…
Ong: … women and children, entire families everywhere! Some were horribly burned…
Aang: …"Time is an illusion and so is death"…
Ong: … others asphyxiated, I think…
Aang: … So I guess, those we know who have died …
Ong: … I saw lots of dead people in the aftermath of Zhao's siege at the Northern Water Tribe. I think …
Aang: … don't really leave us…
Ong: … I killed all those Fire Nation soldiers when I went into the Avatar State…
Aang: … They always remain within us…
Ong: … Their bloated bodies were still floating around for several days and the stench of death and decay was so unbearable!
Aang: … in our hearts.
They ended at the exact same moment as well. Overwhelmed by the rather emotional responses of the two Avatars, Joo Dee rushed to move on to the next question. At her beckoning, another audience member stood up.
CassandraTruth: This is not really a question but more of a pressing issue that I would like to address. It's about Ong's world. It's the same world as the one we all know and love, right?
Aang: Sure is!
CassandraTruth: Well, it's the same world, just without the Asian part, the kid-friendly part or the word Avatar.
Ong: Wait, what? What are you talking about? I'm called the Avatar… sometimes. Most of time, they call me "Of-Atar".
For some strange reason, Joo Dee had an unsure look on her face the moment she heard the audience member's grave statement.
Joo Dee: I'm sorry but I may have misunderstood your comment. Could you please repeat that first part?
CassandraTruth: Yes, the Asian part. I mean look at him. He… he's not even Asian. Most of the other characters in his world aren't Asian.
A sudden hush descended upon everyone at the studio. They were all too frightened to speak. At this response, Joo Dee fixed up her most uncanny smile that she often used for those who touched upon serious and restricted matters
Joo Dee: You are absolutely forbidden by the rules of Mt. Para to mention the A-word to anyone within the premises of both worlds.
The other audience members surrounding CassandraTruth slowly began to inch away. Joo Dee gave a quick warning look to a pair of Dai Li agents. They got the message loud and clear.
CassandraTruth: What are you talking about? Just look at their skin tones! You can't hide it.
The pair of Dai Li agents immediately flanked CassandraTruth. Nearby audience members cringed in fear.
Dai Li agent # 1: I'm afraid you'll have to come with us kid.
CassandraTruth: Why? People need to know the truth behind all this!
Both Dai Li agents glanced at each other and nodded before subduing CassandraTruth without a moment's hesitation. They promptly dragged her out of the studio, with CassandraTruth screaming all the while.
CassandraTruth: You don't understand! They're not Asian! It's a conspiracy, I tell you! A conspiracy! You have to believe me!
They dragged her all the way into an underground cellar with a chair made of earth and a single lamp that rotated around a circular metal track. CassandraTruth was bound and gagged and made to sit on the chair; another mind ready for altering.
Dai Li agent # 2: Calm down! We don't want to have to hurt you.
CassandraTruth: You can't do this to me! The only thing worse than whitewashing is brainwashing!
But the two Dai Li agents paid her no mind and began arguing amongst themselves.
Dai Li agent # 1: Shall I get the torturing devices?
Dai Li agent # 2: No! Don't do that!
Dai Li agent # 1: Why not?
Dai Li agent # 2: Just don't, alright?
Dai Li agent # 1: We can't even use the bunny suits?
Dai Li agent # 2: No!
Dai Li agent # 1: Leather whips? Chains? The works? Anything?
Dai Li agent # 2: Have you never even heard of Rule 34?
Dai Li agent # 1: Rule what?
Dai Li agent # 2: Never mind, let's just get this over with.
So after that unusual and unorthodox discussion of which the two Dai Li agents would never speak of again, the two agents quickly set up CassandraTruth for a brainwashing session.
CassandraTruth: Mumblemumblemrrrrrahhhrrggg! (translated: "If you think you can get rid of me that easily, then you're mistaken! I'll be back! You'll see!")
Dai Li agent # 1: Shhh. Relax. We won't hurt you.
Dai Li agent # 2: There is no race conspiracy in TLA.
Flash
Dai Li agent # 1: Give in to it. Struggling will only make it last longer.
Dai Li agent # 2: Ong's world is very diverse.
Flash
Dai Li agent # 1: Empty your mind. This is your new reality.
Dai Li agent # 2: It is more diverse than our own.
Flash
Dai Li agent # 1: Forget the past. This is all that you know now.
Dai Li agent # 2: Ong's world promotes multi-culturalism.
Flash
Dai Li agent # 1: Resistance is futile.
Dai Li agent # 2: People will ship us like demented rabbaroos.
Dai Li agent # 1: There is no… wait… what?
Dai Li agent # 2: Nothing.
Flash
Dai Li agent # 1: Accept the new reality.
Dai Li agent # 2: There is no race conspiracy in TLA.
Flash
CassandraTruth: Mumblemumblemrrr. (translated: "There… there is… no… race conspiracy… in TLA.")
Flash
Meanwhile, back at the studio of Ba Sing Se Central Network Channel, Ong's argument with Aang begun anew. The poor three-dimensional boy's insecurities were getting the better of him.
Ong: That audience member was right on one account. My world really isn't kid-friendly. At least, not as friendly as yours.
Aang dismissed Ong's complaints with a wave of his hand.
Aang: That's not true.
Ong: Your world's bright and colorful palette ensures minimal and censored violence. My world is so dark and drab and monochromatic. It makes everything so much more ominous and dreary.
Aang: Well, yeah. That is true.
Ong: You're not helping!
Aang laughed.
Aang: Come on. You're just being too serious and overly critical. Ease off the aangst. You're still in Book One.
Ong: You really just don't get it, do you? What was I thinking? Of course, you wouldn't get it! You're just ink and paper! You don't feel pain the same way I do!
A permeating silence fell upon all those in the studio, especially considering that most of them, if not all, were just made of ink and paper.
Aang: Ong…
Aang was on the verge of tears. Ong was too.
Ong: Aang, I… I'm sorry. That came out wrong. I… I didn't mean that! I didn't mean any of that! I'm sorry!
Aang: Ink… and paper?
Ong: I'm sorry! It's just that… I'm scared! I'm scared, alright? There I said it! I'm scared and I'm envious!
At that point, Ong completely burst into tears. With his voice cracking, he began his sincere and broken down confession.
Ong: You… (sob) you already have a happy ending and (sob) you've already had such wonderful and great adventures. (sob) I'm just starting on my adventure. (sniff) I don't… I don't know if I will have a happy ending or not. I don't know what's going to happen in my future… in my world. I'm sorry!
Aang had never heard anyone else sound so helpless and defeated before. Ong sounded so genuinely scared and unsure of himself that it was impossible for Aang to resist trying to comfort him. After a few tense moments, Aang cautiously walked up to his live action counterpart and gave him a fierce platypus-bear hug.
Audience members: Awwwww!
It was too bad though that this heartwarming moment was not meant to last. At that moment, an earth-shattering kaboom rocked the very foundations of the studio. The Fire Nation of Ong's world had conveniently chosen that precise moment to attack.
A large fireball encased in a giant metal cage came hurtling through the flat stone walls of the studio. The Dai Li agents then flipped their "Applause" cards to "Panic and the audience promptly did as they were told.
Aang: Ong, what's happening? We're in neutral ground! They shouldn't be attacking us here!
Ong: I guessed they missed the memo.
With his most serious and badass face, Ong stood up and faced his opponents, glider staff at the ready.
A tall, muscular firebender riding atop a komodo rhino was the first to enter the studio. Behind him, a squad of Fire Nation soldiers followed suit. They swarmed in like canyon crawlers through the hole in the wall.
Commander Sol: We are taking this city in the name of Fire Lord Ozai! Obey our orders and you will be spared. Try to resist and…
THWACK
Commander Sol was cut short as he was thrown off his steed by a powerful blade of air. Looking up, he saw that the culprit was Avatar Ong, poised and ready to strike.
Aang: Wow! Nice airbending slice!
Ong: Thanks! I learned from the best.
Without another word, Ong bounded into the fray, dodging and attacking with all his might. The firebenders pulled their flames out of the fireball in the metal cage. This was their fuel source. Unlike firebenders of Aang's world, these firebenders could not produce fire on their own. Ong knew that in order to stop his enemies, he would first have to take out their fuel source.
In the meantime, the frantic Joo Dee tried in vain to maintain control over the crowd.
Joo Dee: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for this slight interruption. It seems that we are experiencing a few technical diffic…
CRUUUUNCH!
Another massive fireball came crashing through the walls and landed right on top of Joo Dee, crushing the life right out of her. In all the chaos, this went by completely unnoticed.
Back to Ong, the Avatar realized that he was vastly outnumbered. There were perhaps thirty firebenders, at least. And more were probably coming. Ong looked behind him and needing assistance, called out to the other Avatar.
Ong: Aang. A little help here?
Aang: I'm sorry, Ong. I can't fight them.
Ong: What? Why not? You always won komodo rhino limbo rock!
Aang: Dodging? Yes! Fighting? No! Being paper thin just makes you less of a target!
Ong: Ugh! We're in Monkey-Feathering Ba Sing Se! How did they even get past the walls? What about your elite Dai Li agents?
Aang: I don't know! They probably just trampled right past it and the Dai Li agents are just being flattened. I mean, literally.
*Cut to the Dai Li agents being held down by small metal paper weights.
Ong: Well, what do I do?
Aang looked around frantically for a few moments before locking eyes with Ong as realization dawned upon him. He spoke in a level tone.
Aang: You have five minutes.
Ong's eyes narrowed in understanding. No words were necessary. Ong took a deep, calming breath. He readjusted his grip on his glider staff. And he swiftly kicked the nearest Fire Nation soldier squarely on the face. Another firebender came at him from behind. Without even turning back, Ong knocked the poor soldier unconscious with two well placed backhand hits. Ong then turned toward the rest of the firebenders and effectively began utterly dominating them without breaking his stride. He didn't kill them though. He only needed to incapacitate them.
Nearly five minutes and several ass-kicking fight sequences later, Ong had most of the firebenders crawling back to the hole from whence they came. Now all he needed was to deliver the finishing blow and he knew exactly what to do. Ong made a series of intricate staff movements without airbending so that he could gather and build up a large amount of chi for a special attack. When he had accumulated enough chi, he slammed down the edge of his glider staff on the ground.
Ong: Hiiyyyaaaa!
The effect was instantaneous. All the remaining firebenders were flung out the building by the massive air blast.
Commander Sol: But I didn't even get to say five liiiiiinnnneeesss…
However, most of the audience, being comprised of the residents of Aang's world floated gently back to the ground, completely unharmed. As soon as they landed, they began clapping, thinking it was all part of the show.
Undeterred, Ong marched up to the hole in the wall where he looked down upon the bruised and battered Fire Nation folk.
Ong: Get outta here! The flatlands are a neutral area! You can't attack anyone here! Got it?
Not wanting to incur the full wrath of the Avatar, the remaining firebenders high-tailed it away from Ba Sing Se as fast as they could.
Ong: Yeah, you better run! Don't make me use my Avatar State on you!
Ong turned back to the studio and was met by the loud cheers of Aang and the rest of the audience.
Audience Members: Ong! Ong! Ong!
Aang: Ong, that was amazing! You did great out there, telling the Fire Nation who's boss, and you did it all without my help!
Ong: I couldn't have done it without your insane training. Now, I think we should get back to… OH NO! Joo Dee!
The young Avatar finally took into account Joo Dee's lifeless body, completely crushed by the large fireball. Ong immediately tried to lift the debris off of their show host.
Ong: Aang, help me here! I think she's dead.
Aang: No she's not.
Ong: What are you talking about she's right there and she's not breathing. Now, help me!
At that moment, another woman with a familiar blank smile entered the stage.
Joo Dee: Hello and welcome to "Beside the Fourth Wall", where live action and animation combine! I am Joo Dee and I will be your host in this wonderful talk show.
Aang: See?
Ong: But that's not Joo Dee. Joo Dee is right here under this Fire Nation contraption.
Joo Dee: But I'm Joo Dee.
Ong opened his mouth to respond but changed his mind halfway and closed it.
Ong: Never mind. Let's just get this over with.
Aang: Don't worry. I got over the horrific implications of the Dai Li destroying their underground base a long time ago. In time, you will too.
Ong: Uh… thanks, that's very… encouraging?
Joo Dee and the two Avatars then turned to the rest of the audience to end the show.
Joo Dee: Well, it appears that we have run out of time for today's episode. We hope to see you again next time on the "Beside the Fourth Wall".
The audience cheered as Aang and Ong both waved goodbye to them. Some cheered a little too much for Ong's comfort.
Audience Member # 1: We love you, Ong!
Audience Member # 2: You're so adorable, Ong! Can I adopt you?
Audience Member # 3: You're so huggable, Ong! Can I kidnap you?
Audience Member # 4: Ong, marry me you loveable, gorgeous thing, you! Marry me and we can have lots and lots of airbending babies! We'll be preserving your culture!
At least Aang was glad that Ong now received an overwhelmingly positive reception. But as soon as the curtains closed, Ong let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes.
Aang: Hey buddy, what's wrong? They love you now. Everything should be fine now.
Ong: It's just that… what if… what if I can't live up to your standards? What if I'm not good enough? What if I fail? I haven't earned my happy ending yet.
Aang: Cheer up, you'll get there.
Aang placed a supportive hand on Ong's shoulder.
Ong: I don't deserve their praise.
Aang: You will.
And Ong smiled.