Hi I wrote this as a funny piece everything is a joke so if
you don't have a sense of humour leave now. Everyone else continue.
I own nothing except unnamed girl. The characters all belong
to Paramount. The beetles own 'love me do' not me and Robbie Williams owns
'Have you met Miss Jones'.
On the bridge. The usual crowd is there. All are bored doing
the minimum to keep the ship falling apart.
J.w: it is star date 2889973.5. I am bored I want coffee. I
hate this ship. I hate my crew. I hate everyth-
Chakotay: amh! We are in the room you know
J.w: oh I know. I want you all to know this
Chakotay: don't you like anything on this ship
J: well …. You are kinda cute
Chakotay; really (slithers up to her and puts arm around
her) so are you
J.w: let me finish my sentence….you are kinda cute if I were
desperate enough to ignore your face
Chakotay: oh… I'm hurt
J.w: don't be if I'm gonna have sex with anyone on this ship
it will be you
Chakotay: I am so hot I am so hot h-o-t-t
Harry: amh1 do we have to listen to this permission to cover
my ears captain
J.w: denied! every body has to watch Chakotay dance like an
idiot. Including you Tuvok don't try to sneak out!
(Tuvok slinks back to his station Chakotay continues
dancing)
Harry; captain there just was an anomaly on deck five
J.w: when did it happen?
Harry: two hours ago
J.w: and you didn't tell me? are you an idiot?
Harry: don't yell the doctor said I've been under a lot of
stress lately and it doesn't help me if you all yell -sob- (Harry runs out
crying)
Tuvok: wussy boy what pressure does he have? Oh no he has to
look at all the pretty light on his com panel all day I have to arrange the
security and constantly interrupt other people doing it that is constant
pressure-
(doctor sneaks up and hypo sprays him)
Tuvok: look at all the perty lights
On deck five.
Unnamed girl: ok I am crazy where am I being crazy though?
hello anyone there I said HELLO? Ok ok find someone else on this grey hallway
(Neelix approaches singing badly)
Neelix: I am the worlds greeeeeaaaaatest cheeeeeef whoah
cheeeeef
Unnamed girl: ok do talk to the next person who isn't a
singing little mohican spotty wrinkly thing
(blue dude walks by)
unnamed girl: ok so wait for the next person who looks like
me.
(time passes Tuvok passes by( he has pointy ears) B'lanna
passes(crinkly forehead) finally the doctor passes)
unnamed girl: hey you! Yes finally no wrinkly skin or pointy
ears though yours are a little big…
doc: who are you?
Unnamed; girl no who are you?
Doc: I asked first
Unnamed girl: fine it's Lea Jones.
Doc: and you are on my ship because…?
Lea; hey you stole me I was getting ready to go out and then
I was here
Doc; which explains what you are wearing. What age are you?
Lea; 17. there is nothing wrong with my clothes
( lea has a hot pink belly top on with baggy blue jeans)
doc: well I should bring you to the bridge
lea: first where am I?
Doc: on the federation ship voyager.
Lea: federation? What is that like another name for the u.s
or Russia or the e.u or something?
Doc: no the united federation of planets
Lea: right so and the year?
Doc: 2457
Lea; ok the I am like from the year 2001 so I am going to
assume you are insane and find someone who is sane
Doc: no to the bridge
(grabs her and drags her to the turbo lift)
on the bridge
J.w: so you found nothing on deck five Tuvok?
Tuvok: no captain
Doc: hey I found the intruder naa naa nana!
Lea; ok so you are all insane
(faints)
(in this time the doctor tells all and the captain decides
that they should ignore the prime directive once again and help her come to
terms with where she is. Now that 7 is ok with the whole human thing she needs
a new activity plus you gotta think of the ratings)
in sick bay.
Lea; so I am in the future. What's in fashion? Where can I
shop and where is the closest pub?
J.w; well we usually wear hideous clothes that look like
pyjama's , we have replicators that make clothes and what is a pub?
Lea: can the replicator make everything?
J.w; yes
Lea: ok do have my own room?
J.w: we call them quarters here
Lea: boys aged 16-20?
J.w: one Echeb
Lea: ok show me to my quarters.
In the mess hall.
J.w; she took the whole thing very well I am going to be a
mother figure to her. Teach her everything.
B'lanna: great now can I get to the dessert table?
J.w: no listen to me ramble more I-
B'lanna: I am very pregnant and I need sugar move or I'll
hit you
J.w: you have such a sense of humour as I was saying I-
(B'lanna hits her)
B'lanna; I warned you once don't get between me and food.
Neelix: everybody I want you all to call round to our newest
passenger and welcome her aboard. It's compulsory for all senior staff.
(mumbles of dissent. Everybody resumes eating. Janeway comes
though again leaves before any notices she was hit)
quarters 8266.
Lea: computer
Comp: yes
lea: make me vodka
computer: real or synthetic
lea: real and some lime and ice
computer: it is in the replicator
lea; I know I'm gonna love it here
dingdong.
(lea ignores it. Again.)
lea : what is that?
Neelix: hello can I come in?
Lea: sure two minutes…….what can I do for you?
Neelix: well I just want to welcome you to our ship
Lea: ok I'm welcomed bye
Neelix: (sitting down) have you made any friends yet
Lea; friends? Not yet why?
Neelix: well to welcome you aboard I am going to have a
party
Lea: party! Ok do you want me to bring anything?
Neelix: just yourself. Tonight in the mess hall at eight.
Later in the mess hall
Neelix: captain I'm sure I told her eight o' clock maybe she
got lost
J.w: lost? surely she would have just taken the turbo lift
here
In the turbo lift.
Lea: where are the buttons?…. no last time they just said
where they wanted to go… mess hall
Computer: please specify deck
Lea: I don't know. how am I supposed to know?
(lift stops Harry steps in)
Harry: hidey ho neighbour! I'm Harry.
Lea: hi
Harry: I heard the captain say you were a Neanderthal
Lea; what are you on about?
Harry: You are from the past so you are a Neanderthal which
means I am smarter then you! I am smart I am so smart s-m-r-t, I mean,
s-m-a-r-t
Lea: Harry are you special?
Harry: yip yip yip!
Lea; and they put him in charge of things
Mess hall
J.w; I see you made it well while you are on voyager feel
free to ask me anything if you want anything just name it-
Lea- when can I go home? I kinda need to.
J.w: go home? Oh you mean when will voyager reach earth in
about 50 years
Lea: no I mean back to my century
J.w; oh that we not going to do that you see (Janeway puts
arm around lea) we are having a shortage of nameless ensigns or other
characters that we can kill so you are going to become a character and then if
your not popular we will kill you off. By the way you could do with a few
fashion tips.
(by now Lea having discovered the replicator makes more then
vodka has gotten herself a new outfit. A red corset with a black skin-tight
mini and knee high boots. Along with the compulsory heavy black eyeliner.)
lea: I like my clothes but I want to go back to my time
J.w; I said NO. look I'll introduce you to everyone. Meet
Chakotay, my commanding officer
Chakotay: hello have you met your animal guide yet?
Lea: no sorry I'm an atheist
Chakotay: It doesn't matter even the captain has one.
Lea: maybe later (under breath) religious freak
J.w: meet Tom Paris our pilot
Tom: you're from the twentieth century we have so much in common
I love the twentieth century. It was the coolest time. You have black and white
TV and captain proton and-
Lea: who is captain Proton?
Tom: a superhero he was alive in the twentieth century I
mean he only saved the world I don't know how many times
Lea: oh a comic book hero you do know that they were only
made up?
Tom: what? what are you talking about of course he was real
wasn't he captain?
J.w: of course tom the mean lady is telling lies.
Lea: about as real as Santa Claus or do you think he is real
too? With all his little elves and flying reindeer?
Harry: santy isn't real! Waaaaahhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! You all
lied to me. (runs out of the room screaming)
J.w; looks like you're going to meet your death very soon
missy. This is our security guy, Tuvok. One person you can't upset cause he has
no feelings.
Lea: hi
Tuvok: hello
Lea why are your ears pointy?
Tuvok: because I am Vulcan
Lea: but why are they pointy are you descended from elves?
Tuvok: no they are just that way
Lea: why don't you get cosmetic surgery I'm sure the doctor
could make them look less hideous.
Tuvok: I don't like you
Lea; Janeway said you didn't have emotions so how can you
dislike me?
Tuvok: I'm leaving
Lea: three already hate me they'll send me back soon.
( walks over to seven)
lea; hi I'm lea so why do you have bits of metal sticking
into you?
7: I am seven of nine, an ex-Borg drone.
Lea: the Borg yeah great. so were you always blond cause I
gotta tell you your roots are showing.
7: you are insolent and ill-mannered you shall attended the
social classes the doctor set up for me
lea: what? no need got all the manners I need I'm going to
leave you now.
(while lea wanders around upsetting random members of the
crew tom is telling B'lanna about how mean she is)
tom: and then she said captain proton wasn't real and that
Santa didn't exist!
B'lanna: aah my poor baby I going to go sort out the mean
lady why don't you wait here for me?
Meanwhile in the mess hall.
Lea: yea kill all nonhumans that's the way to go. Hurrah for
xenophobia. Up humans. Down with bumpy people
J.w (to Chakotay): arrange a little accident for our friend.
Chakotay: ok I'll trip her on the way out
J.w: no I mean a serious accident
Chakotay: I'll hit her over the head with a bottle and fake
it was an accident
J.w: how dumb are you? By accident I mean slice her up, send
her to sleep with the fishes, send her to live on cloud number nine if you know
what I mean?
Chakotay: you lost me at the fishes
J.w (shouting at the top of her lungs): kill the girl now
and shoot her body out an air lock and we'll tell the crew she went back to her
own time you IDIOT!!!!( realises every one heard) sorry everyone we're
rehearsing for a play
Nameless ensign: what play? When are you going to put it on?
Chakotay: Kathryn what play? I thought you wanted me to-
J.w: shut up Chakotay
B'lanna: where is that girl lea?
Lea: she gone to transporter room three
B'lanna: who are you?
Lea: ensign human I stay in a lot and work on my own in an
isolated lab on deck 234
B'lanna: ok then thanks for the tip
(B'lanna leaves in the turbo lift when she realises that
there aren't 234 decks on voyager. By the time she reaches the empty
transporter room she realises that she was had. By the time she reaches the
mess hall again she's figured out that ensign human wasn't a member of the crew
and so it must have been Lea. She storms back in)
B'lanna; where is she?
(by this time Lea has headed out and is exploring the ship
when she finds astrometrics)
lea: oooohhhh aaahhhh! Pretty stars.
Echeb: hello who are you?
Lea: lea who are you let me guess Echeb?
Echeb; yeah how did you know
Lea: I'm psychic
Echeb: but I thought you were human?
Lea: it's an expression
Echeb: so 7 told me you are a racist. How's that going?
Lea: I'm only saying it so that the ratings will drop and
Janeway will let me go home.
Echeb: you never know you might like it here
Lea; god you are such the good little cheerleader. Hurrah go
voyager! let me guess you're on the pep squad?
Echeb: voyager doesn't have a- …. You were being sarcastic
Lea: you wanna bet? Hey do you know where my quarters are by
any chance I'm a little lost
Echeb: why should I tell you after you being so mean to me.
Lea: sorry but I don't have a clue where they are and how do
you work the turbo lifts?
Later outside lea's quarters.
Echeb: an then the llama said only if you can shoot the
elephant!
Lea; hahahahahhahahahahaha! Very funny. so you wanna come in
for a coffee?
Echeb: I don't know I is late I start my next shift in 12
hours I should get some rest
Lea; it will only be five minutes plus I got this really
nice vodka from the replicator…
Echeb: what's vodka?
Next morning in astrometrics.
7: Mr. Paris have you seen Echeb this morning? He is late
for his shift.
Tom: nope computer locate Echeb
Computer: Echeb is in quarters 8266.
7: who owns those quarters computer?
Computer: Lea. Echeb got VERY lucky last night.
Tom: go Echeb!
7: I will go there and retrieve Echeb. I must ask you to
keep this to yourself Mr. Paris.
Tom: of course I will 7 no need to worry.
7: thank you.
Tom: Tom to B'lanna you'll never guess what I just heard!
Quarters 8266.
Lea: uuughhhghhhgghhhh……
Echeb: you sound like I feel how much did we drink last
night/
Lea: enough to get a good Irish girl drunk
Echeb: so I guess we have a thing now
Lea: what???
Echeb: a thing
Lea: let's talk about this when there aren't four of you ok?
Echeb: fine I see five of you
Lea: go back to sleep
Echeb: ok
Ding dong
Lea: ignore it
Ding dong
Echeb: maybe you should get it
Ding dong
Lea: they'll go away eventually
Ding dong. Knock knock knock.
7: Echeb you are late for your shift report to me at once
Lea; who is that?
Echeb: it's 7
Lea: the blonde one from last night?
Echeb: yes she is very mad
Lea; I'll go tell her you're not here
Vroom vvvvrrrrrooommmmm VVVVVVRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!
Lea; what is that?
Echeb; she's got a chainsaw!
Lea: she's insane is she your girlfriend or something?
Echeb: she's like an adoptive mother to me
Lea: which gives her the right to act like this if your late
for a shift?
Echeb; no but I think she might be upset that I erm stayed
here last night
Lea: oh she overprotective huh. I go tell her your already
on your way to astrometrics and that she must have missed you. Then you run
there and if you get there after her tell her you went looking for her.
Echeb: I can't lie to her
Lea: why not
Echeb: because…. People don't lie here
Lea: you either lie or get in trouble
Echeb: lie to her. I'll hide in the bathroom
Lea: good you can tell me how to work the shower I can't
find the water switch
(lea goes to the door)
lea: hi 7 isn't it?
7: yes where is Echeb?
Lea: oh you just missed him he slept on my sofa last night
because he was going to show me how to work things this morning but I forgot to
set the alarm and we both slept in. It was my fault really
7: I can tell if people are lying to me you know
lea: I'm not lying
7: no…. I believe you are telling the truth.
Lea: ok tell Echeb I'll see him later.
7: yes I will. Goodbye.
Lea: ok Echeb I fooled her don't let us down
Later in a staff meeting.
J.w; so what will we do with Lea?
Tom and Harry: kill her she's mean
7: I believe she is a bad influence on Echeb. Dispose of
her.
Chakotay: who?
Tuvok: I dislike her she is illogical
B'lanna: I don't care where is cake? You promised it would
be here
J.w: so we're agreed kill her.
Neelix: hey don't I have a say
All: no!
(Producer runs on)
sorry every one you might hate her but the audience loves
her. She dresses sluttish, annoys everyone and lies like a pro maybe if she
gets very boring but not now.
J.w; fine then what will we do with her? She needs some kind
of a job.
Harry: she can't even work the turbolift we need someone to
show her how things work around.
7: Echeb has already started. That's why he was at her
quarters last night.
J.w: of COURSE that's all he was doing seven deny it to
yourself.
Chakotay: just leave them off it's not like Echeb does
anything except occasionally be concerned about seven.
J.w; so it's agreed.
On week later.
Lea; Echeb your back again.
Echeb: yes love of my life I'm supposed to show you the
history of the federation today.
Lea: hurrah but first Echeb we need to talk. Why don't you
sit down?
Echeb: why of course my little flower
Lea: well… you see Echeb we are both at very different
places in our lives and I think-
Echeb; what different places we are on the same ship in the
same quarters.
Lea: I mean at different points in our lives…. I think maybe
we should have a break
Echeb: oh ok then
Lea: thank god you understand that I don't want to see you
anymore
Echeb: WHAT??? I thought you meant a break from studying.
You don't love me anymore?
Lea: I just love you in a different way
Echeb: I'm leaving good bye
Later in the mess hall. Harry and tom are sitting there
playing monopoly.
Echeb enters and walks up to them.
Tom: I am the richest man in the universe.
Harry: you cheated I saw you take money out of the bank
Tom; no you didn't
Harry: yes I did CHEATER!
Tom: oh look there's Echeb
(Harry looks over tom takes more money from the bank)
Harry: hi Echeb how's lea?
Echeb; she dumped me what will I do I love her?
Harry: you only met her a week ago how can you love her?
Tom: shush Harry it was first love that lasts forever. Echeb
you must try and win her back.
Echeb: how?
Tom: we need help from a woman
Harry: there's the captain
Tom: a woman who actually dates men
Harry: B'lanna
Tom; yea she'll know what to do. B'lanna sweetie c'mere
B'lanna: what do you want?
Tom: what do women want?
B'lanna: chocolate
Tom: anything else
B'lanna: cake
Tom: and you'll have their undying never ending love?
B'lanna: yes go get me chocolate and cake now
Tom: yes dear
Echeb: outside lea's door
Dingdong
(lea answers)
lea: oh Echeb what do you want?
Echeb: I bought you chocolate and cake
Lea: erm thanks. Why?
Echeb: because in want you to love me again
Lea; I said it was over
Echeb: so the chocolate doesn't make up for what I did
wrong?
Lea: no but I'll still eat it. See ya
Later back in the mess hall.
Harry: It didn't work? Guess B'lanna was wrong
Tom; B'lanna is never wrong there's something wrong with
lea. Maybe it's a weird twenty first centaury thing. Where did she live on
earth?
Echeb: Ireland
Tom: computer tell us what the Irish people were like in the
twenty first centaury.
Computer: the Irish were a nation in Europe but an island.
They were famous for there hospitality and how much alcohol they could consume.
They were mainly Catholics-
Tom: stop computer. Maybe if you become a catholic she'll
love you
Echeb: what's a catholic?
Tom: a religion. Basically guilt about everything and no sex
till your married.
Echeb: but we had- nothing
Harry: awwwh you're embarrassed
Tom: so ask her to marry you. It's ingenious
Echeb; but I don't know if I want to get married maybe that
could be our last resort. look Tuvok let's ask him he's been married
Tuvok: hello shouldn't you all be working
Tom: no we're helping Echeb. You can help too.
Tuvok; I do not wish to
Echeb: please I need help
Tuvok: very well what do you require help with?
Echeb: what do women want?
Tuvok: a film by the same title concluded that women want a
man to be understanding and sympathetic to her feelings no matter how strange
they are.
Chakotay: (has just wandered up and joined in) try singing
to her. It always works for me.
Tom; what about the captain
Chakotay: I haven't sung to her yet.
Tom; well go do it so we can see if it works
Chakotay; I can't just start singing to her
Tom: sure you can just go to her quarters and sing at her
door we'll watch from around the corner.
Chakotay: ok but if we get caught I knew nothing.
Outside Janeway' s quarters.
Chakotay: what will I sing?
Tom; something romantic
Harry; go on you can do it!
Chakotay: ok here it goes.
Ding dong
Chakotay:
love love me do
You know I love you
J.w; what Chakotay?
I'll always be true
So pleeeeaaasssse
love me do
whoa love me do
love love me do
You know I love you
I'll always be true
J.w; good I was looking for you
So pleeeeaaasssse
love me do
whoa love me do
some one to love
somebody new
J.w: stop singing I need you right now
some one to love
someone like you
love love me do
You know I love you
I'll always be true
So pleeeeaaasssse
love me do
whoa love me do
J.w: you are so tall you're perfect for the job I have in
mind!
love love me do
You know I love you
I'll always be true
So pleeeeaaasssse
love me do
whoa love me do
yeah love me do
whoa love me do
(Janeway grabs him and pulls him inside)
tom: wow it worked
Harry; what was the last line of the song again?
Echeb; it might work but what will I sing?
Tom; computer check the music files for romantic songs in
2001. something easy to sing.
Computer: 3567 matches to that description.
Tom; one for a male singer
Computer: 1389 matches.
Tom; how about something more personal with her name in it.
Songs with the name lea in them
Computer: no matches
Tom; how about Jones?
Computer: one match
Tom: play it in holosuite 2
In holosuite too.
Tom; computer play song.
Computer: 'have you met Miss Jones' by singer Robbie
Williams fro the film Brigit Jones's diary circa 2001.
(five minutes later)
Echeb: it's perfect she'll be madly in love with me
Tom: ok go sing it to her
Harry: no it has to be a bigger gesture. Sing it to her in
the mess hall.
Echeb: I don't know abo-
Tom: no it's brilliant we sit there until she comes then you
sing and she'll love you
Echeb: but won't it embarrass her?
Harry: don't be stupid women love this kinda thing
( the boys head for the mess hall. Meanwhile Lea and B'lanna
have sorted out their differences mainly due to Lea giving B'lanna chocolate
and they are now walking towards the mess hall for coffee)
lea: well I do still like Echeb but he tries so hard if he
just let things be for a while.
B'lanna: I know what you mean you want a break to think for
a while
Lea: yea but then he came round with chocolate maybe I'll
give in now
B'lanna: I know he really misses you
Lea: yeah but I hate people staring at me like I'm odd at
least Echeb treats me like a real person.
B'lanna: here the mess hall have you tried a ractagino yet
they are so yummy
Lea: no I'll try one now
(across the room)
tom: go on Echeb sing to her
Harry: yeah go on now while she's not expecting it
Echeb: I'm not sure
Harry and tom: go on
Echeb: (voice cracking)
Have you met miss Jones
Someone said as we shook hands
( everyone in the mess hall stops and stares tom and Harry
give him encouraging smiles)
She was just miss Jones to me
And then I said miss Jones
You're a girl who understands
That I'm a man who must be free
(Echeb starts to gain confidence walks over to lea)
And all at once I lost my breath
and all at once was scared too death
and all at once I was the earth and sky
(really gets into it hand motion all ago)
and now I've met miss Jones
and will keep on meeting till we die
miss Jones and I
miss Jones and I
miss Jones and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
(lands on his knees with Elvis style and
yeah.
Lea: (cringing with embarrassment) you idiot what's wrong
with you?(runs out)
B'lanna; she was about to take you back but you blew it big
time.
Echeb; but they said …..
B'lanna: who said?
Echeb: Harry and Tom and Chakotay and Tuvok
B'lanna; and you trusted those idiots
Echeb; it worked for Chakotay!
B'lanna: with who?
Echeb: the captain she was all over him
Entire crew who had been watching the whole thing: WHAT THE
CAPTAIN AND CHAKOTAY!!!!!
(Faintings all over and the gossip mills start turning
everyone has already forgotten about Echeb and Lea with the much more juicy
story of the captain and Chakotay)
B'lanna; you should go apologise while I sort out those
idiots!
( all the men have disappeared and are in hiding from
B'lanna having changed their names)
in lea's quarters.
Echeb; can I come in?
Lea; after that little stunt? No way in hell
Echeb; but they told me to I didn't want to I wanted to talk
to you alone maybe work things out….
Lea who told you to?
Echeb: Harry and Tom and Chakotay and Tuvok
Lea; teaches you. you shouldn't listen to men about any
thing
Echeb: I'll leave you hate me
Lea: (opens doors to let him in) no don't we can talk if you
promise not to sing
Meanwhile in Jane way's quarter's
J.w: higher Chakotay higher, no lower
Chakotay: how about here
J.w: no go left … left… left .. right
Chakotay:
Jw: yes it is thanks for putting it up for me
Chakotay: no problem I'm good at hanging pictures
J.w: what was with he singing earlier?
Chakotay: it was a dare by Tom if I backed out I would have
had to give him a month's rations!
Meanwhile on the bridge.
The doctor is in charge.
Doc: doctor: to the captain: captain there's a temporal
anomaly ahead. It looks like the one Lea came out of.
J.w: describe it doctor
Doc: it's purple with red at the outside and green little
spots
J.w; that sounds like the one alright I'll be there in a
minute call a staff meeting
In the conference room.
J.w: so can we send her back?
Harry: yes we can
B'lanna: no I like her
Producer man: sorry everyone she was an nice boost to the
ratings but we can't afford to keep her it's either her or Neelix.
Neelix; why me?
Producer man: you're not popular and your contracts up for
renewal
J.w: we'll have a vote among the crew.
(next day after the voting Janeway is about to announce the
results)
J.w: we have the results but before we give them out I want
to say this campaign was well fought and which ever cat wins the final prize
deserves it thoroughly. The best cat-
Chakotay: captain wrong speech. The cat show is later now is
kicking out either Lea or Neelix.
J.w: oh sorry about that people. The results of that vote
are as follows.
169 people voted:
Neelix got 4 votes
Lea got 165
So I guess we'll all say a sad farewell to Neelix.
Neelix: how could this happen? After all I did for you
people I gave my all and got nothing( a security man starts to drag him out) I
will get revenge on all of you. REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!
J.w: so lea can you cook? We just had an opening in the……
So you like? if want review but I don't mind either way.