Annotiation: This is a oneshot fan-fic on Freddies feelings and thoughts about Effy from the series Skins, season 4. Song: Hear You Me ~ Jimmy Eat World. It's a short story/song-fiction.
Under My Skin
There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
_O_O_O_O_O_
I woke up beside Effy one morning. She was wasted and was dozing so sweetly, I didn't want to wake her up. Effy had written on her schedule that it was time for her to be with me. We had made sweet love, and we gasped in the cold night together. We fell asleep in one another's arms. I looked at her now, as rays from the window danced around her. Making her look… well, beautiful. Who could know that this person, so beautiful, so strong and so proud, is very fragile. So fragile, I contemplate everything I say before I say them. Afraid of hurting her. I love her so much.
I grab my clothes as I sneak out of the room. I don't want to disturb her. When she sleeps, it is the best way of seeing the Effy that I knew. But then she started to do weird stuff, and I was afraid. Nothing exceptional weird, she just didn't seem to be her self. Not afraid of her. But afraid that she might hurt herself. One day, things became to much for her. I feel my heart go up in my throat, my stomach becoming a tight knot, thinking of this day.
"Your hole that fits mine."
What did she mean "your hole that fits mine"? Like she had no heart? Like she was hole inside, had nothing to fill it with? That I was empty inside, too, just as much as her?
"From the moment I saw you, I knew it'd be the closest I'd get to being… close."
I step outside my fathers house and draw my breath in heavily. I feel like I'm being suffocated. My nostrils flaring and my eyes stinging with tears.
Effy.
It was incredible how much she meant to me, considering that I haven't known her for years. Back then, when I met her for the first time, I knew that she was different. I could just sense it, in the way that she looked at me. She knew herself, she was strong. But she isn't strong anymore.
I can't fight them. I used to be able to when I was strong, but… you've made me weak.
But I believe in her. And that one day, she'll be able to be strong again. Maybe someday she can remember herself.
_O_O_O_O_O_
'Thought I might get one more chance
_O_O_O_O_O_
Images floods my mind, as I think of all the things that we have been through. Especially here the last few weeks. I remember Effy talking about that I had found her so-called "porn stash". She talked like she was so clear about how things were. That she had set straight what was going to happen. My voice was filled with disbelief back then, when I had spoken to her.
End… and what fucking end would that be?
She had stared at me, so intense and focused, but it was like she wasn't looking at me. Starring through me. My breathing gets heavier and more peaked as I think back. I love her so much, but even though I barely just get to grasp her in my hands, she is already gone again. Her eyes went cold and my stomach was churning with dread.
Mine, Freddie.
Why did she feel so condemned? My stomach is hurting me, as I break down at the stonewall outside my house. My tears fell down at my cigarette, and I didn't want to smoke on it while I was crying, so I just sit with it in my hands, letting the tobacco burn and the smell of it scatter in the wind.
_O_O_O_O_O_
What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
_O_O_O_O_O_
I couldn't bring my self to get up on my feet. I didn't have the strength to go inside again to her. To look her in the eye, on her curling hair, or to feel her breath on my skin. She was hurt, and the only thing I could do back then was to promise to her, that everything is going to be alright.
Effy, nothing bad is gonna happen. I'm gonna take care of you now. Alright? I promise. I promise.
_O_O_O_O_O_
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
_O_O_O_O_O_
But you could say that things hadn't gone as well as they could have. She still went to a mental ward, or more like a psychiatrist's home. But still… Isn't that enough to declare to the world that she isn't right in her head?
But now they know, and they're hungry. Really, fucking hungry! Because for as long as I've know, they've been chasing me. And now they're ready, now they're strong enough to break through. And I can't fight them.
_O_O_O_O_O_
May angels lead you in
Hear you me, my friends
_O_O_O_O_O_
She… she cut her self. She didn't want to live any longer. She were so frightened of her inner demons. And they infected her, making her masque come ajar, for me to see them. And they were ripping her apart. Making her life of lies and deceiving. Drinking only with her self and a bottle of death. Smoking with the death's breaths and ghosts of her mind.
_O_O_O_O_O_
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in
_O_O_O_O_O_
I exclaim loudly, as the ember from the cigarette burns down to my hand. I look at my burned hand. It stung, but not as much as the memories of her.
_O_O_O_O_O_
May angels lead you in
_O_O_O_O_O_
Cook had told me about how Effy had gone out on the road and screamed. How heart-wrenching it must have sound.
I'm not scared! I wanna be scared! I wanna be hurt! I wanna remember! I'm not scared! I'm not scared! Come on! Come on! Come on!
One of the things Effy did, that scared me the most, was her mums wall in her bedroom. The collage she had made with pictures of her family and me. Death, chaos and demons ruled the wall and Effy. She made me scared, that she wanted to hurt her self. And I wouldn't let that happen because my mum felt the same way.
_O_O_O_O_O_
May angels lead you in
_O_O_O_O_O_
People don't know how much it hurts you that you're loved one is hurt and scared. And that there are nothing you can do about. Do nothing to prevent the attacks and outbreaks that comes.
I dropped my cigarette butt, gaining courage to get up and get in. It took me a while before my legs had enough strength to stand up. I walked inside, but I just didn't feel like closing the door. I walk up the stairs, after checking if I looked too blasted after having cried. At the last steps I run, because I wanted to see her. Too feel her. For her to be under my skin again. Like she have always been.
_O_O_O_O_O_
And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live
_O_O_O_O_O_