Alright, so this may come as a shock to y'all, but I don't own Pokemon, and likely never will (why the hell else would I be writing fanfiction?) With that being said, please be aware that I don't write all that often, so if by some grace of God you enjoy this (you deviant, you...), don't be alarmed by irregular, sporadic updates (I'm 80% sure I used that word right). With that out of the way, enjoy this story. Or don't, I'm a fanfiction author, not a cop.
Edit: Some of this crap didn't get underlined, which is important because underline talk is Pokespeech, so hopefully this edit fixes it. Sorry about that.
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There are many people in the world, from Trainers to Nurse Joys and everyone in between who have wanted to be able to talk to Pokemon. Even if it were only for mere moments, to catch a glimpse of the inner machinations of the powerful and majestic creatures inhabiting the world would be incredible, unforgettable. Many cliche movie plot lines involve a trainer who can talk to Pokemon due to a 'pure heart' or 'The Power of Friendship' or something along those lines, but one thing people always seem to forget is that Pokemon are sentient creatures, just like humans, which could allow for riveting conversation, philosophical pondering, and scientific progress the likes of which had not yet been seen before. For those who can understand Pokemon, however, they'll tell you it's not all that great a gift to have.
For one, a surprising number of them are apparently assholes. With all of their raw power at their fingertips, they feel entitled to speak their mind, apparently, regardless of how violent of profane those thoughts may be. Granted, not all Pokemon are foul-mouthed dickweeds or foul-mouthed in general, but a significant amount are, especially if they battle often. It is also important to note that there is a drastic difference between Pokemon from the Wild, and domesticated/Urban Pokemon. Many wild Pokemon are simple and primitive, almost tribalistic depending on the species and where they are. Meanwhile Urban Pokemon hang around Humans more often, and gain an appreciation for their culture. Many a people with The Gift of Understanding complain about how much celebrity gossip happens between Pokemon in the city, or how many Pokemon were walking 'shitpost generators' due to the Internet's influence on Domesticated/Urban Pokemon.
Another important observation made is that while no two Pokemon are exactly alike, certain characteristics remain constant within different species. You can have a philosophical Primeape who ponders and studies the meaning of life, a Metagross who likes small animals because they're cute, and a Brionne who will only sing Freddie Mercury due to being practically raised on it, but at the end of the day? The Primeape will always be angry, the Metagross will constantly run countless calculations in its brains, and the Brionne will only drop its smile in private, when nobody can hear it cry.
Today, we follow the journey of one Elio Sunne, an extraordinary young man who is blessed with the gift of understanding Pokemon, whether he likes it or not.
"[TITTYSPRINKLES!]", was the first thing that the sixteen year old woke up to.
"Moltres be damned, Meowth,", groaned the young man as he rose from his bed, "one of these days, I may actually kill you for that."
"[Bold of you to assume you could kill me and get away with it, runtling]", snarked the Meowth. Elio simply shooed the Scratch Cat Pokemon out of his room and began his morning rituals ("Great, new shower. How does this thing wor-AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"). A good ten minutes later, he emerged from his room freshly showered (see simmerred), shaved, and dressed. Simple blue jeans and a red t-shirt was all that he needed to go about his day. His mother immediately greeted him as he closed his door.
"Good morning, my precious Sunne!", she exclaimed with a smile that reached her eyes, which were twinkling with mischief. "How's your first morning in Alola so far?". Elio's eye twitched at the (totally not) intentional pun and was about to respond, when Meowth beat him to the punch.
"[Shower used Scald, it was super effective! Diglett was burned!]", Meowth didn't even glance up, busy scratching himself and stretching lightly.
"Bite me, Mittens.", snapped Elio as his mother sighed. She sometimes wished she had Elio's ability to understand Pokemon, even if her son claimed that she was better off as she is. Then again, judging by the one side of her son's current conversation that she could understand, maybe he had a point.
"Meowth, apologize to Elio. Elio, stop yelling at Meowth.", she said with a warning tone despite the smile still being on her face.
"Sorry for yelling at you, Meowth."
"[Sorry you burned your dick off, dickless]"
"I WILL PUNT YOU, YOU DAMN CAT!"
Meowth cackled and dove under the coffee table, much to Elio's dismay, as his mother began berating him for his language. The doorbell rang out suddenly, and all arguing ceased.
"Elio, could you get that?", asked Elio's mother.
"Yeah, I'm on i-" he began, only to be cut off by the door swinging open and smacking him to the side. Meowth cackled as he hopped out from under the coffee table to greet the new visitor. Meowth and Elio's mother recognized the handsome shirtless stranger at the door as the Region's very own Professor Kukui.
"Augh, what the fuck is wrong with- oh sweet mother of Moltres, you could grate cheese on those abs.", remarked a bruised Elio from the floor. Kukui's eyebrows rose as Elio's mother seemed to pause, look him over again, then nod in agreement.
"Well, erm, thanks? You must be Elio, your mother has told me so much about you! Sorry about the door thing, oh where are my manners? I'm Professor Kukui! How are you enjoying Alola so far?", Kukui asked in an effort to clear the awkward air.
"Well, I've not been out to see anything yet, I woke up only a little bit ago. Haven't even had breakfast yet." Elio answered as he casually strolled to the counter to grab an apple, but stopped, turned to look at Meowth (who was staring at the good Professor's abs and trying to determine if one could grate cheese on his abs {signs were pointing to yes}), and instead grabbed an orange, hurling at the back of Meowth's head with a thundering "YEET!". Meowth predictably turned around to slice the object with a Fury Swipes, and got a face full of sticky citrus juice for his troubles. As Meowth hissed at the sensation of citrus juices in his eyes, Elio ran up and punted him out of the still-open door, Meowth yowling all the way as he sailed out onto the street. He bounced as he it the dirt, but got snatched up by a Fearow before he could hit the ground again. The two adults looked on in horror as the yowling Meowth disappeared into the distance ("[WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!]"), and Elio simply grabbed an apple.
"I told him that I'd punt him, you'd think he learned by now that I make good on those threats.", Elio remarked as he bit into the apple.
Elio walked onto Route 1 with a frown on his face, an earbud in his left ear, a red handprint on his cheek, and apple bits stuck in his hair. He trailed behind Professor Kukui, who was growing more and more concerned with the muttering coming from young Elio.
"Stupid mom, kicking me out of the house. 'Oh my Arceus, you just punted Meowth', she screams. 'Stop laughing, you asshole!', she says as if I would stop laughing at that.", Elio scoffed as he brushed more apple bits out of his hair. "'Put the apple down and get him!' she says, as if I care about that fucking shekel more than I do about finishing my apple. 'I'll get around to it', I said. 'He was my partner in my first journey!', she says. Yeah I know that, just like I know how he's an asshole who regularly mocks me because my dick is bigger than his brain. "You're going to get my Meowth back even if I have to destroy anything in my path', she says. Why not get another one from here? They're apparently gay and sassy looking, like the characters you write in your fanfictions that I wish I didn't know about. I hope the Fearow drops him into a nest of Sharpedo-"
"OKAY!", Kukui cut Elio off before he heard anything worse coming out of his mouth. "Guardians, your mother was not wrong about your attitude", Kukui muttered as he turned to look back at the house where said mother was on the roof shaking a fully extended ladder at an angry Fearow with a terrified Meowth in its beak ("GIVE ME BACK MY KITTY KERFUFFLE YOU POOR MAN'S PIDGEOT!").
"Hey, I said I'd get around to it, that's better than nothing.", Elio said dismissively and shrugged.
"Right, well, look around at this wilderness, cousin!", Kukui gestured to the surrounding area of Route 1. "If you listen closely, you can hear the sounds of Alola's nature in all of its majesty! The Pikipek chirping, the Ledybas buzzing, the Yungoos rustling through the grass, all of nature is practically singing to us!", Kukui exclaimed with a grin on his face. Elio raised an eyebrow and removed the earbud from his ear, closing his eyes to take in nature's symphony of life.
"[Nigga where them beans at?!]"
"[The end is nigh! The beasts will run wild! Alola's skies darken once and forevermore!]" "[Shut up Clarence, it's too early for your shit.]"
"[Now, which tree shall I shit under today?]"
"[Oran berries, get your oran berries here!]"
"[Why?! Why would you send me out against a Flying type?!]"
"[Iki Town's wifi is down, now where am I going to get my dank meme fix?]" "[Or my Mismagius porn?! Damn, this is awful!]" "[Okay, dude, no.]"
"[Apparently the new humans from Kanto are giving out free snacks, just throwing them out the front door.]" "[Whoa, really?]" "[Yeah, Falco the Fearow got a boonie kitkat.]"
"Fucking beautiful, can we get a move on? I wanna go to Itchy Town or wherever the hell it is, you said there was a surpri-" Elio was interrupted by an unmarked white van driving past them in the direction of Iki Town. Elio slowly turned his head to look at Kukui in surprise. Kukui shut him down quickly.
"No, that's not remotely what it is."
"Damn, that'd be the most exciting thing to happen to me in a while. That and, I guess if I had to do a dude, you aren't that bad an option."
"I'm married. To a woman. Happily(?). Also, no."
"Harsh, man. Wait, was that hesitation I sensed on that 'happily' part?"
"Anyways, it's Iki Town we're going to, Elio. Also, before you go accusing me further of being a pedophile-"
"Technically, the age of consent in Kanto is sixteen. I'm legal."
"Not remotely the point. I'm going to introduce you to a friend of mine, the Ka-"
"Is he the one who mans the camera?"
"No, he-"
"*exaggerated gasp*That was him in the van, wasn't it?! You naughty Professor, I know I said I'd do anything to get an A, but this may be too far~*wink*"
"A POKEMON! I'M GIVING YOU A TAPU-DAMNED POKEMON! Gods, you are the worst child I have EVER-oh." Kukui trailed off upon seeing the look on Elio's face. A look of pure joy.
"Y-you're serious?", Elio's voice cracked "You're not messing with me, right?", Elio practically demanded. Kukui chuckled.
"You know it, cuz! The Kahuna of Melemele Island himself, Hala, has heard of a new arrival to Alola's shores who hasn't been on a journey at all, and wants to see if you have what it takes to journey in Alola, wants to give you that chance you missed on your tenth birthday." Kukui smiled brightly, then frowned in thought. "Say, now that I mention it, why haven't you started on your journey yet? Someone your age surely has at least tried it by this point, and you seem to be eager enough about this, so…?", Kukui trailed off, and Elio froze.
*Insert Flash-back noises*
"Hey, I dare you to pee on that exposed wire!"
"Okay!"
*BZZZZKT*
~Four Years Later~
"Ow, my head… Where am I?"
"Sir, you've been in a coma for four years."
"Oh, gods-damnit!"
*Flash back noises end abruptly and painfully*
"Okay, now tell me what really happened."
"That's… not important. C'mon, let's go meet that Matata guy or whatever."
"Kahuna."
"What'd I say?"
Will Elio meet the Matata of Value Meal Island? Which Pokemon will he choose? Can Kukui actually grind cheese on his abs? Can you always trust a man in a big white van? What's with Kukui's marriage? Will Elio ever get around to saving meowth?
Tune in next time to find out on Total Drama: Revenge of the Island!