Author's Notes
This is one of my first fanfics. I've written a couple, but I've never published them. I'm excited to finally share one of my stories. I welcome and appreciate any concrit, especially in the areas of story flow and writing in-character. If I got any canonical information wrong within the story, please feel free to point it out. Thank you in advance :D
Here is the context for this fic (spoilers ahead for the manga/anime): the story takes place after the Beast Titan appears, and branches off from the main story after chapter 41. Reiner and Bertolt haven't revealed they're titans, and expeditions are lead outside the walls to gather information and catch a titans if they can manage so they can experiment on them.
The names that I give some characters are not OCs, but instead just naming unspecified background characters within the series.
I hope you enjoy!
"Wherever the fates lead us let us follow." - Virgil
- Clomp clomp clomp -
Some of the riders surrounding Sasha were making idle conversation. Talking about what they were going to eat when they got back.
She stayed silent unable to take part in discussion of her favourite hobby, nay, perhaps her sole reason for living. Instead her stomach was so knotted she felt like it was squeezing the breath from her, and it definitely threatened to release the food she had eaten this morning. The two talking about food behind her didn't help. Out here, beyond the walls, you were the food.
Tension pulsed through her shoulders into her arms, and she gripped the reins of her horse Oba to the point her fingernails dug into her palms leaving marks. If she had been able to detach her death grip, her hands would probably be shaking uncontrollably.
Sasha eyes were trained forward to scan the horizon and periodically behind and to the sides of her. It had been awhile since any flares had gone off since they had changed course. She really just wanted to be back inside the walls, even though this wasn't her first time outside of them, she knew she would be crying as she woke up from nightmares in the middle of the night tonight - that is if she made it back.
From in the distance a horse with it's rider was appearing on the horizon. It was a message being passed on from squad to squad. Most of the squads on the left flank were wiped out. The messenger was relaying information on how the titan acted so that they would benefit from the information, and have a better chance at surviving an attack by it.
This information didn't help her squad because they were fortunate enough to not run into this titan, even though they did run into others. She saw two of her squad members and her squad leader get eaten. Five horrific hours later, she was back within the safety of the walls. At town square outside of the soldier's quarters one of the squad leaders read the list of the dead and the missing-in-action. Sasha was standing with Jean and a couple of the other 104th members. Connie's name was said and she wondered where he was.
"Hey Jean, where do you think Connie is off to?"
He didn't answer at first, his jaw slack and his eyes were unblinking. He didn't look at her when he spoke next and the words like they were being forced through a tube. "Didn't you hear? They just said his name. He's... dead."
"He can't be Jean, I mean it's Connie, sure he's an idiot, but he wouldn't get himself killed." The pity in Jean's eyes when he looked at her drove a stake through her heart. Connie had been in the left flank when it was wiped out.
"Connie's...de- gone?" The familiar sensation of not being able to breath came to her and the tension returned to her shoulders. She stalked back into the barracks. She closed the door to the girl's dorm. Before she knew it she had pushed a bunk bed in front of the door, and climbed into a bottom bunk in the farthest corner of the room.
She felt - how? She didn't know. She was sad, empty, furious, but she couldn't bring herself to feel any of those intensely, it was all in the background. It was as if her ability to respond with emotion had been taken from her. She couldn't even cry. Why was it, that she could cry for herself all the time - when she joined the survey corps, during her first expedition, when she almost died, heck even over spilled milk. But she couldn't cry for Connie? She could barely feel the loss of him. Her friend, her best friend.
Eventually there was pounding at the door and shouts but she didn't move.
Eventually they all went away.
Eventually a window was opened and a girl was talking at her but she soon faded into the background.
Eventually it was time for the evening meal which she skipped.
Eventually night came and everyone fell into bunks and slept. The girl who's bunk she had stolen was trying to get Sasha to move until another girl convinced her to give up.
Eventually Sasha dozed off too.
Light streamed into the room through the door. Her bed was right beside the door and she was always woken up by that instead of the wakeup call from Kim that came right after.
"Up and at 'em Titan feces. Todays the expedition. Put your gear on, eat in the dining hall if you won't throw it up later today, and then receive your assignments from your appointed squad leaders."
She had liked mornings back in her hunting village in the forest, when morning was the best time to hunt, and many times she got up before the sun rose. As a solider they woke up before dawn a lot too, but it wasn't the same. Being drilled to get your face further into the mud and work up a bigger sweat wasn't her idea of a good motivator to get up. These worthless little thoughts of home jarred her with memories of the day...before.
Wait wasn't the expedition yesterday? Not to mention, she was back in her own bed, not in the bed in the corner where she had fallen asleep. Did they switch in the middle of the night?
"We're going on another expedition today?" She said aloud, speaking to no one in particular.
"Yeah we are, you Space Case. We've been prepping for about a month now." The short-haired blonde that slept in the bunk next to her rolled her eyes, and pulled the covers over her head.
"Leave Potato Girl alone Ami, no one looks forward to these." This time the voice was the girl on the top bunk, and she swung down and started pulling on the pants of her uniform.
"I guess it must have been a dream - I thought we went yesterday."
"That sucks, I guess you'll have to live through it twice, hopefully your dream was worse than it is going to be today."
Sasha walked in the dining room. Everyone was in their uniforms and buckled into their 3DMG. She spotted Connie in the crowd of uniforms and walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She didn't even know she was going to do that.
"Why are you so happy today? Have you forgotten about our suicide mission?" He asked, his eyes distant with black bags hanging underneath.
Taken aback a bit she blurted out, "I'm just glad your not dead."
"Me too." He agreed, a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
She fumbled through a justification, "I, umm had a dream - well I guess a nightmare, that you had, ehm, died during the expedition."
"Wow, that's just the vote of confidence I needed today. Really brings up my spirits."
Reiner came up behind them a glass of water and a bowl of grain rations the military called breakfast, that was supposed to be porridge. "Actually Connie, this is a good thing, you should ask her how you died in the dream, then maybe you won't make the same stupid mistake in real life. Who knows? Maybe her dream is prophetic."
"I don't think so, Reiner. I don't need to be thinking about how I die, I need to keep my mind on being alive. Or I really will go crazy."
They laughed at some inside joke probably from the night before. Which felt like two nights ago for her. She wondered if she even had the strength to go on the mission today.
- clomp clomp clomp -
The gates opened and they were on their way. The squads broke up and moved into their pre-assigned placements under Commander Erwin's direction. Sasha's squad fell into the right flank, just like in her dream last night. She was just as scared too. She kept her eyes out for any signs of titans or flares. The two behind her were talking about the food they wanted to eat when they got back, just like...in the dream...
Hearing their discussion sent a jolt of electricity to her brain and put it into gear. Questions pounded against the walls of her skull. How was this happening exactly like in her dream? She pulled on Oba's reins to slow him down and asked the two who she was now beside, "why are you talking about food?"
"It's easier to distract ourselves with that than think about what might happen today."
It was their squad leader Zach's turn to slow his horse to talk to them. "As far as I am concerned staying focused on the mission is the best way to make it home from the mission. As soon as you loose focus and accidents happen. I'm sure you don't want that happening to you?"
They both nodded. Pointing to one of them Zach said, "you up front with me. And you," he looked at Sasha and then past her into the distance, "go meet the messenger. And then give me the message."
Her heart dropped and then thudded against her rib cage. This was the same time the messenger had showed up in her dream...
Connie. Was his squad wiped out like last time?
Please no, please no, please no, please no, please no, please, no. Just let it be a dream.
Riding up to the messenger she called out, "Is it the left flank? Has it been wiped out?"
The rider was too stunned to answer for a second but regaining his composure asked "how did you know?"
Because this already happened. "We haven't seen any flares for a while and I wondered if there was trouble." She could couldn't handle it this time. Connie had died. For real.
Were her dreams really prophetic?
The messenger finished his spiel and rode on to meet the next squad. She moved on auto pilot from there. She repeated the message to her squad leader and they encountered titans. Like her dream, her squad leader and comrades died.
When she crossed the threshold of the gate into the city she could hardly believe she was sill alive. Why was she still alive? She stood with Jean again to hear the death toll. Connie's name was called.
Reiner tapped Sasha on the shoulder. "Your dream really was prophetic," his words were laced with bitterness and regret.
"Can people really have those kinds of dreams?" She asked.
"I was kidding earlier, I didn't actually think this could happen," he said.
Unable to say anything else she headed back to the barracks and her room. Unable to cry and unwilling to see anybody else today she skipped dinner and used the dinner rush to slip out of the barracks. She took Oba from the stables (which were filthy and needed to be cleaned), then she rode into the forest, faster, faser, until she found a clearing and tied Oba to a tree and lied down staring at the stars.
Connie had always been a good friend. They had spent a lot of time in training together. Whether it was her trying to get him to share his food with her, or goofing off during training, they were always able to make light of the situation, or maybe it was because they didn't understand the threat of the titans back then that they were still able to have a good time.
Those times wouldn't happen anymore. He was gone, any potential of moments like that happening were gone, and the potential for anything more-
She slammed her fist to the ground. She refused to have thoughts anywhere close to that now that he was gone. That was the reality of the world. The world was cruel.
Eventually she drifted off to sleep, her eyes dry.
Light streamed into the room through the door. Her bed was right beside the door and she was always woken up by that instead of the wake up call from Kim that came right after.
"Up and at 'em Titan feces."
She...was in her own bed. She fell asleep outside...
"Todays the expedition. Put your gear on, eat in the dining hall if you won't throw it up later today..."
It was the same day...again.
Author's Notes
Thanks for reading! I'm hoping that this won't be too long chapter-wise, as my first published story I don't want to overwhelm myself.
Again, I would love concrit!
This story was inspired by "otp Prompts" on tumblr: post/98178857204/imagine-person-a-trapped-in-a-time-loop-forced-to