Doomed to Repeat It
Gideon and the Patient
or
One Flew Over the Waverider's Nest
Disclaimer: I don't own Legends of Tomorrow or the characters from it. This is just for fun and I make no money from it.
AN: This is a collection of Doomworld AUs in which a lot of very bad stuff happens to Rip. It is quite dark in places and I've made Rip thoroughly miserable in various ways. Luckily the team is always there to rescue him, sometimes more successfully than others. Each one gives an alternate story line for Doomworld and what might have happened if Rip hadn't just been stuck on the Waverider. Sometimes they pretty much follow the plot of the episode, others turned out rather differently.
Chapter description:
Thawne took Gideon's memories but made her human. She's been looking after Prisoner 1138 and unwittingly torturing him for months.
Warnings: Non-consensual drug use, mental health issues, forced treatment for non-existent mental health issues, restraint, medical torture, mind games
This sort of unintentionally became TimeShip, but there's only one kiss right at the end.
It was only because Sara had seen her in Rip's mindscape that she recognised her. She was in a white nurse's outfit, starched to perfection and looking at the rescue party of Sara and Jax with flawless pouting lips and an angry expression. She was the matron of this ward, stood behind the desk at the entrance to the locked ward, which made perfect sense given who else was here. It was Jax who said her name though.
"Gideon!" he said in surprise. Which was a problem because they were undercover, and Jax might just have blown it by knowing a name he wasn't supposed to, but neither of them had expected to see a human Gideon, so she understood the slip up.
Sara quickly covered for him by making a show of checking the name tag that Gideon was wearing. "Matron Gideon, we're here for a prisoner transfer."
"I assume you have the relevant paperwork," said Matron Gideon, coldly imperious and very unlike the warm individual Sara had met in Rip's mind.
Sara needed to find somewhere quiet and unobserved where she could use the memory gun. She really hoped it would still work on AIs turned human. However, given where they were and that the entire point of this grim and desolate place was to keep the inmates under observation at all times, it was going to be hard.
"I'm Mr Darhk's personal guard. I don't need paperwork," said Sara, making herself as menacing as she could.
"If that were the case then anyone could just walk in here and check out a prisoner," said Gideon. "I'm not releasing anyone that's in my care without the correct paperwork and knowing that provisions for their care have been made wherever you're taking them."
Sara made a show of rolling her eyes. "Fine. Let's call it in. Have you got an office somewhere around here with a phone?"
Gideon nodded, still clearly suspicious, but she handed her post over to another nurse and led the way towards a side room. As soon as the door closed behind them, Jax had the gun out and had shot Gideon. The reaction was immediate. Gideon's eyes went wide.
"Captain Lance, Mr Jackson…" she tailed off and then a hand went to her mouth, and huge tears welled in her eyes. She backed away and into the desk. "Oh no. No, I can't have…"
Sara approached Gideon slowly. "Gideon? I don't know what you've been through but I know it wasn't good. I wish I had time to help you deal with it, but we need to find Rip and get him out of here. We can deal with everything else later."
Gideon nodded, wiping away her tears and straightening her uniform. "Yes, you're right. We need to get him out of here immediately. Follow me."
She seemed to turn her previous persona back on, and then she strode out of the room, past the nurse on duty, giving her a signal to open the locked door for them. The nurse pressed a button under the desk and a buzzer sounded indicating that they could enter.
"We'll need a wheelchair. These people are Mr Darhk's personal guard and they have orders to transfer Prisoner 1138 to a new facility," said Gideon.
"Of course, Matron," said the nurse, and she left the desk for a moment and returned with the wheelchair. Gideon took it from her. "Will you be requiring chemical restraints?"
The nurse seemed to anticipate an affirmative answer and was already going to a locked cabinet. The nurse took out a vial and drew up a dose into a syringe. Clearly patients were drugged into submission here as a matter of course. Sara suppressed a shudder and tried to maintain her calm exterior.
"Yes, standard procedure," replied Gideon.
"He can be quite difficult when he's having one of his days. Luckily, they seem to be happening less often now," said the nurse as she handed Gideon a capped syringe, which Gideon pocketed.
Sara saw a look of pain cross Gideon's expression, but then it was gone as she quickly schooled her features again. They moved forwards into the locked ward and the door swung shut behind them.
Gideon spoke quietly as they walked into a long corridor with small locked rooms on each side. "This is the locked ward that Captain Hunter is being kept on. He's in a cell at the end of the corridor. You should prepare yourself for his condition. He's been here over a year and hasn't received the best care."
Sara could hear people shouting and screaming from the rooms. Small windows in the doors of each cell gave her glimpses of the deeply disturbed people within, some were ranting and raving, others were disturbingly still. When they'd found out where Rip was, she'd been very worried, and now she was having that worry justified, tenfold.
"My god," breathed Jax, beside her. "Sara…"
"I know, Jax, but let's just concentrate on getting Rip," said Sara. She couldn't let her emotions out right now, this was going to be hard enough.
Gideon stopped outside a room and typed in a code to the combination pad beside the door. She opened the door and revealed the spartan room inside. The only furniture was the bed that Rip was lying on, in four point restraints. He was staring at a spot on the wall to his left, dressed only in white scrubs, and his head had been shaved. He'd lost weight, his beard was unkempt, and his skin had an unhealthy pallor to it. Sara spotted numerous bruises on his skin, some mottled with age, and two red marks, one on either side of his head. He didn't react as they entered, and that disturbed her more than anything.
"There is a camera," murmured Gideon, "so I must apologise in advance for what I'm about to do."
"If we can block the view of the camera we can use the reality gun on him here," said Sara, quietly. "It might make this easier if he has his memories back."
"He has always had his memories, Captain Lance," said Gideon, sadly.
Jax glanced at Sara and then back at Rip with horror. They both knew that having their memories restored hadn't exactly been a pleasant experience but it had helped to put some distance between their ordeals and their real selves. Sara was suddenly filled with a desire to strangle Eobard Thawne with her bare hands, but that would have to wait.
"Help me with the restraints," said Gideon. "He has been given powerful antipsychotics and they have the side effect of dulling his senses and making him sleepy, but he may react to us given time. He is usually dizzy when moved. Don't expect him to recognise you and don't be offended if he is afraid of you. Most people who have come to visit him are not well intentioned."
Gideon moved to Rip's side and began to undo the restraints. "Captain Hunter," she said, gently, as if the name was something special that she'd longed to say for a while. "I'm going to release your restraints, Miss Lance and Mr Jackson are here to take you home."
Sara could hear the catch in Gideon's voice, the unshed tears that would have to wait until later. Sara went to undo the buckles that were around his ankles, as Gideon unlocked the padded restraints around his wrists. She saw the way Gideon's hands lingers for a few seconds longer than necessary on his arms. His eyes slid across to Gideon's face, sluggishly as if he was moving in slow motion.
"Gideon," he murmured, his voice hardly there at all, "you called me Captain. You're not supposed to pander to my delusions."
"They weren't delusions, Captain," said Gideon, simply. "I'm sorry for everything that I've put you through. Eobard Thawne made me forget you."
Rip shook his head, weakly. "Don't test me, Gideon, it isn't fair. I want to get better."
Gideon closed her eyes for a moment, and then her previous harsh tone returned. "We're moving you to another facility, Prisoner 1138. You are aware of the transport procedure."
Rip gave a small nod and meekly held out an arm. Again, Jax shot her a horrified look, but Sara shook her head. Now was not the time to contemplate what had been done to Rip to turn him into someone who would willingly allow himself to be drugged. Gideon uncapped the syringe and found a vein, dispensing only about half of the drug into Rip's arm. The rest she squirted away onto the bed sheet.
"That will be enough to give the illusion that he is properly sedated," she said, and Sara noticed the frown on Rip's face as his eyes fell shut.
"He really believes that he's ill," said Sara, with horror.
"He does," said Gideon. "Although it took a great deal of time and effort to make him think so. He was told that he had suffered a psychotic break after he killed his wife and child."
"Oh man," said Jax. "That is messed up."
"Please help me get him into the wheelchair and then we can leave this place. It would be best if we do that before the sedative wears off." Gideon brushed a hand down Rip's bruised cheek affectionately.
Jax and Sara helped Gideon lift Rip into the wheelchair. There were restraints attached to it and Gideon fastened them with a guilty look in her eyes, but Sara knew that questions would be asked if the usual procedures weren't followed, and they set off down the corridor. Rip was slumped in the chair, completely unconscious. Gideon flashed her ID, signed off some paperwork, and got them through the various checks without any trouble. Then they were pushing Rip out into the sunshine, away from the horrors of the asylum and into the van where Ray, Nate and Mick were waiting. They got Rip strapped in, dumped the wheelchair and made their escape as quickly as possible.
Sara didn't fully believe that they'd gotten away with the rescue until the Arkham Asylum sign was receding in the rear-view mirror.
"Who's this?" asked Ray, looking at Gideon, before turning back to the road.
"Oh yeah, you never got to meet her," said Jax. "Guys, this is Gideon. Eobard Thawne made her human."
"Wow," was the response from Ray. "She's…er… yes."
"My apologies for not introducing myself, Doctor Palmer," said Gideon, she had wound her fingers into Rip's and was taking his pulse with her free hand. "Could you give me an ETA to our destination? The Captain will be waking up soon and I'm not entirely sure how he is going to react."
"About half an hour, Gideon," said Ray.
"Didn't the reality gun work?" asked Nate.
"He didn't need it. He's had his memories all along," said Sara.
"Allowing Mr Thawne to torture him by subverting those memories and making him believe that he was mentally ill," said Gideon.
"He was in a mental asylum. What did you expect?" asked Mick. "We only found him because Thawne kept coming here to taunt him."
"I remember Mr Thawne's visits," said Gideon. "Often Captain Hunter would have to be sedated after them because he was angry and occasionally violent. I tried to stop the visits at one point, but none of the doctors would agree to it. I realise why now."
Everyone was silent for a moment.
"We need to go and get the rest of the team before Thawne realises what's happening," said Sara. "I'll go back for Amaya, and then we'll go get Stein. Gideon and Rip can stay in Nate's Mom's basement, assuming you think you can cope, Gideon?"
"I'm not sure that I'm the best choice," said Gideon. "I unknowingly participated in his abuse. I forced him to take medication that he didn't need and restrained him without reason. I allowed him to think that he was ill, and I let them shave his head and give him electroshock therapy. I helped them to hurt him."
There were tears in her eyes, and Sara could understand why. Thawne had got one of the people that Rip cared about most to be part of his incarceration and torture. That would wound both of them and Thawne had known it.
"And once the drugs have worn off and he's feeling more like himself, he'll know that you didn't do it willingly," said Sara. "I'm beginning to understand how Rip felt after Thawne altered his memories. It sucks, what the Legion of Doom did to us, but we all have to get past it, because we still need to find the Waverider so that we can sort out this mess."
They drove on for a while until they entered a street with white picket fences and large houses. It was the picture normality and the stereotype of modern suburban life.
"Nearly there," said Ray.
Rip stirred, rolling his head from side to side.
"Rip?" asked Sara.
His eyes opened gradually and he blinked. "Where am I?" he asked, looking around him. He stiffened in his seat, his entire posture defensive but his movements slow.
"With friends," said Sara.
Rip shook his head and closed his eyes. "No, you're a delusion. You don't exist. I made you up to help me deal with killing Jonas and Miranda."
Sara reached out and took the hand that Gideon currently wasn't holding. "We're here, Rip. We're real. You were lied to. You didn't kill Jonas and Miranda."
He shook his head, removing his hand from Sara's as if he had been burnt, and mumbled more to himself than any of them. "No, I want to get better. I want to get better."
"Captain Hunter," said Gideon. "It's true. You were put in Arkham because you were a threat to Eobard Thawne. Please, you need to try to remember."
"Gideon, no more tests, please," murmured Rip. "Don't call me Captain. They'll increase my meds again and I don't even know what day of the week it is, or… or… they'll do worse. I'm trying. I want to get better."
The van drew to a stop. Sara sighed. Persuading Rip to throw off months of brainwashing wasn't going to be easy, especially when they'd apparently got him believing that nothing he saw was real. She didn't even want to know what was worse than being constantly drugged into oblivion without his consent. Nate, Ray and Mick were getting out and pulling back the side door so that they could get out too.
"He will need help," said Gideon. "The drugs make him dizzy and uncoordinated."
Sara offered him a hand up and Rip cowered away, shaking his head.
"Mick?" asked Sara.
Rip struggled weakly at being manhandled out of the van by Mick, who simply slung him over his shoulder, but it wasn't anything that the arsonist couldn't deal with. Gideon stayed by Rip's side, always within touching range. She was doing her best to keep him calm, because despite what she'd said, Rip still seemed to respond to her and no one else.
Mick dumped their former captain on Nate's bed, and moved away. Rip shifted backwards, slowly, so that he was as close to the wall as he could manage. He was watching them all with wary eyes as if he didn't even really know who they were.
He screwed his eyes shut. "Just a delusion," he mumbled. "I want to get better."
Sara could see that tears were now running down Gideon's face. This was clearly hurting her a great deal. Ray went over to Rip and sat down on the end of the bed.
"Rip, I'm Ray Palmer, the Atom, you know me," he reached out a hand towards Rip, waiting for him to make a move to reach out in return. "I'm real. No one here is going to hurt you or drug you if you say the wrong thing."
Rip looked at Ray warily and then closed his eyes, he pulled his legs up to his chest, rested his head on his knees and wrapped his arms around his legs. "I don't know what's real anymore," he said, miserably, tensing as if he expected to be punished for that small declaration.
Gideon rapidly moved forwards and then was kneeling beside him, on the floor by the bed. "They are, Captain."
His eyes sprang open. "How did you know to say that…?" he frowned.
"Because I was there," said Gideon. "They lied to you, Captain. Everything that they told you was wrong. You're Rip Hunter, Captain of the Waverider. You have a crew and they came to rescue you."
Sara moved closer now too. "She's right, we did."
Rip looked around him at the assembled figures and closed his eyes again, resting his forehead on his knees as he shook in fear. "Gideon, I don't understand. I'm Prisoner 1138. Please, don't let them… I don't understand the test. I want to get better, but I don't understand what I'm supposed to say." He was clearly agitated and Sara wasn't sure what to do. They'd seemed close there to getting him to realise what was going on, but then it had faded and now it was just distressing him.
"I'm here, 1138," said Gideon, and she sat on the bed beside him and pulled him into a hug. That seemed to comfort him.
"You always are," said Rip, quietly.
Sara sighed. "I think we should back off for a bit," she said to the assembled team members, and they moved across the room, out of Rip's direct eyesight.
No one seemed to feel like talking. They just listened to Gideon quietly reassuring Rip, or "1138" as she called him, that everything would be fine and no one was going to punish him for what he'd said. A few moments later, Gideon joined them, wiping away more tears.
"He's sleeping," she said. "The drugs in his system are making it hard for him to think clearly and stay awake. I don't think we'll be able to convince him that we're real until after they've left his system."
"Gideon, we need to know what they did to him. All of it," said Sara.
There was nothing but pain in Gideon's eyes. "When he was brought in, they immediately began feeding him the story that he'd killed his family and created a fantasy that he was a time traveller to help him deal with his actions, but he refused to believe what they told him. He also refused to take the medication that was prescribed for him, so they restrained him and injected him with it instead at much higher doses. It didn't take him long to decide that he'd rather take the pills on his own terms and be less drugged. He was able to maintain a reasonable level of awareness, but his persistent insistence that his supposed delusions were real led to increased medication and… other treatments."
"What other treatments?" asked Ray.
"Mainly ice baths, supposedly to shock the mind into reality but basically just creating hypothermia and discomfort, and electroshock therapy, which left him incoherent and with memory problems. He resisted once it became clear what they had in mind, and force was often used, sometimes excessively. You have seen the bruises on his skin."
Sara nodded. They had immediately alerted her to the kind of place that Arkham was.
Gideon continued. "One orderly broke his arm and then put him in restraints. I was off duty at the time, and when I returned… I ensured that he was properly treated, but it must have been very painful for several hours before that. He endured intensive therapy sessions every day where they told him he was lying and delusional, a murderer. They encouraged him to get better by denying his delusions and they punished him with medication that made him ill when he didn't change his ideas. Eventually he began to believe what they were telling him, although occasionally he'd still have a day when he seemed to remember reality again. They'd ask him test questions during therapy to catch him out and punish him if he said something wrong."
Sara understood some of the things that Rip had said now: "don't test me, it isn't fair", and he'd almost pleaded with Gideon: "no more tests". For someone having trouble separating reality from delusion it must have been a game stacked against him, especially with drugs confusing him and making it harder to think. It must have been like having to remember an intricate lie.
Gideon took a deep breath. "And I stood by and let them do it all. I thought I was helping him. I encouraged him to listen to them. I made sure he took his medication and forced it on him when he wouldn't. I even strapped him into restraints when he wouldn't do what he was told. I tried not to be cruel, like some of the nurses, but everything that was done to him was cruel."
Gideon sat down in one of the armchairs, heavily, covered her face, and sobbed. "And now he can't even hear his own name without worrying that someone will hurt him for it."
Jax sat on the arm of the chair and comforted her with an arm around her shoulders. Sara had always known that Rip wasn't Gideon's only admirer on the ship, and she was glad that Jax was there for her when Rip couldn't be.
Ray, Sara and Nate exchanged looks, somewhat worriedly.
"I have a bit of insight into what it's like to have no one believe what you say," said Nate, quietly. "It destroys you after a while, and that's without drugs and torture." He looked back towards Rip with concern.
"This isn't going to be easy," said Ray. "Thawne spent an entire year making him believe that we aren't real. I don't know how we undo all that."
"First things first," said Sara. "I need to get Amaya. I'll leave you guys here to look after Rip and Gideon, while I go see Darhk."
"You're on dangerous ground, blondie," said Mick, who was halfway through a sandwich and apparently had finally decided to join the conversation.
"I know, but hopefully no one's realised that I'm not still under Darhk's control," said Sara, checking her knives as she headed towards he door.
"Sara, be careful," said Jax.
"I will be, don't worry," said Sara.
Rip was a murderer. He'd killed his wife and child. His beautiful Miranda and Jonas were dead and it was his fault. Nothing would ever be right again. He didn't remember killing them. He did remember holding them in his arms, their blood on his hands, and that was enough. Somehow, he'd concocted a delusion in which he was a time traveller who had gone back in time to try to save his wife and child, but he'd failed. The psychotherapists had been very interested in that detail. Apparently, it was his subconscious' way of telling him that none of it was real.
Except that the delusion was more real some days than where he found himself now. He even remembered when he first arrived in Arkham and he'd truly believed the delusion was real. He'd fought everything, they'd had to restrain him and some of the treatment he'd received had been unpleasant to say the least, but he was wrong, he understood that now, well, most of the time. It was hard to keep everything straight. Sometimes he still believed that he was Captain Rip Hunter of the Waverider, but he was trying to get better. They'd promised to reduce his medication and move him into one of the lower security wards if he passed their tests, so he had a goal to work towards.
Most days he was too drugged to think hard about anything. He drifted. The highlight of his day was when Matron Gideon came on shift. She was the only member of staff who'd consistently been kind to him. She'd never hit him or hurt him unnecessarily. When they took him for ice therapy, she sat with him and talked to him as he shivered. She had apologised when she'd shaved his head for electroshock therapy and held his hand as he recovered afterwards, even though she wasn't supposed to do that.
He'd inserted her into his delusion at some point as the AI on his time ship, and then he'd persuaded himself that Mr Thawne had somehow turned her into a human. He'd tried to tell her this at first, pleaded with her to believe him, but of course she'd set him straight. He was Prisoner 1138 and he needed psychiatric treatment for his delusions. When no one was around she'd just call him 1138, as if he was a real person who mattered and not a murderer. Some days he thought that this was his Gideon showing through the personality that Thawne had given her, other days he knew that it was just because she was a kind woman who actually took her responsibility to her patients seriously. Either way, he liked her and was pleased to see her as a bright point in the misery of his existence in Arkham.
Then, one day, she called him Captain, something she was forbidden to do, and if Rip had said it then he'd probably have been receiving more electroshock therapy the following day. He wondered if it was another one of their tests to see if their treatment was working, but Gideon wouldn't do that. At least he didn't think she would. He trusted her and when she told him he was being moved, he didn't hesitate to allow her to follow protocol and sedate him. However, as he fell asleep he thought he heard her say something strange.
Things continued strangely, he woke up whilst he was being moved and there were other people there. He also wasn't restrained in any way, which was new. After the second escape attempt, they'd put a note on his file that he was always to be restrained whilst being moved anywhere. Gideon had mentioned it once whilst reluctantly strapping him into a wheelchair to take him to the exercise yard.
His delusions were making their presence felt and he was more confused than ever. The drugs he was given had left him tired as always and his vision was permanently distorted, but he'd learnt to live with it, just as he'd learnt to take everything more slowly to allow his drugged brain time to catch up. At least Gideon was there and hopefully she'd help him understand whatever was going on.
He'd been rather unceremoniously dumped on a bed and one of his delusions had tried to have a conversation with him, but he knew better than to respond. Even admitting that he was having difficulty working out what was real might get him into trouble, but Gideon reassured him that it was fine, even though he didn't understand why she was suddenly agreeing that his delusions were valid. They finally left him alone with her and she hugged him, something she'd never done before.
"Gideon?" he asked. "Where am I?"
"You are safe, 1138," she replied. "These people are friends. They're going to help us."
"It's not a hospital, is it?" he asked. It looked more like someone's basement.
"No, it isn't, but you're not sick. You never were," said Gideon.
"I'm seeing the delusions again," he said. "I must be sick. Please don't tell the doctors I'm worse again. I'm trying hard to get better."
"They're not delusions, 1138, they're your crew," said Gideon.
"Is this a test?" he asked, very worried now. He'd already given too many wrong answers if it was. "I don't understand and I'm so tired."
"It isn't a test. There are no wrong answers, 1138. What they did to you was cruel and I won't put you through anything like that ever again. I won't trick you or hurt you or drug you without your consent," said Gideon, gently. "Now, sleep. I must talk to our crew but I won't leave the room."
He nodded, still finding it hard to work out what had happened here. He did as Gideon asked, because someone would force him to if he didn't do it willingly. The antipsychotics always made him tired, so he had no trouble sleeping. It was something of a novelty to be able to curl up on his side. Normally he was put in four point restraints to sleep. Escape attempt three had earned him that accolade.
He awoke feeling terrible. He was sweating and his stomach was cramping. He knew that this was punishment for failing the test. That was how it always worked. He groaned and Gideon was there at his side in seconds.
"You said it wasn't a test and there were no wrong answers," he accused.
"It wasn't," said Gideon, putting a hand to his forehead. It felt cool and soothing.
"But you're punishing me," he said. "What did I do wrong?"
She shook her head, and now he noticed the red rims around her eyes. She'd been crying recently.
"We're not punishing you, Captain," she replied, sadness in her tone.
"1138," he murmured. "They'll punish you if you call me Captain."
"No one is going to punish either of us," she said. "I think you're running a temperature because the drugs are leaving your system. Do you feel sick?"
He nodded. His stomach was clenching painfully and he thought he might throw up. He didn't want to be sick on the bed, if that happened then the orderlies who came to clean it up were often angry and unkind.
"I don't want to make a mess," he said, hoping she'd understand.
"I'll find a bowl," said Gideon, and she returned a few moments later with an appropriate receptacle. "I'm sorry I can't give you anything for the pain," she added. "You need to clear all the drugs from your system, not add more."
"Don't I need them?" asked Rip. "They put me on new ones a few weeks ago."
"You're not sick, 1138," she said. "You didn't murder your family. They told you lies to control you and hurt you."
"Please, not you too, Gideon," said Rip, "I can't think well enough to give the right answers." He closed his eyes against the emotional pain that he felt at the idea that Gideon would do this to him.
"It's not a test. I would never do that to you," she repeated, and she sounded so sad. He had to open his eyes again to look at her, and was surprised to find tears in her eyes.
"You're crying," he said. "Why are you crying?" He didn't like to see her sad.
"Because you didn't deserve what they did to you and you don't deserve what you're about to go through," she said. "You're my Captain and I was programmed to protect you, but I failed."
"You didn't fail, Gideon," said Rip. "You were by my side, as you always are."
For a moment, he hadn't even considered his words and then he frowned as he realised what he'd said. That wasn't 1138, that was Captain Hunter who had spent thirteen years with his AI on board his ship.
However, Gideon was smiling at him.
"And always will be," she replied, simply. "I knew you were still in there, Captain."
He reached out a hand towards her, something that he'd never been allowed to do in the Asylum, although Gideon had broken the rules herself on occasion. Gideon took his hand and then climbed onto the bed beside him, cradling his head in her lap.
She held him and did her best to soothe him as he entered withdrawal from the antipsychotic drugs that he'd been on, and although he was still confused and scared, Rip knew Gideon would take care of him. It stirred something in his memory, a vague idea that she'd done this for him before when he'd been unable to protect himself. He remembered a kiss, filled with relief and desperation, and then the memory was gone.
Sara returned with Amaya to find Rip throwing up the contents of his stomach into a bowl and Gideon talking to him calmly and quietly.
"How's it going?" asked Sara.
"The drugs are leaving his system," said Gideon. "It has made him quite ill. However, his mind is also clearing, I think."
Rip looked up at her as Gideon rubbed circles on his back. His eyebrows drew downwards. "Sara Lance?" he asked, with puzzlement.
"Yes, Captain," replied Gideon. "She is real. She's not a delusion."
Gideon beckoned her over, so she came towards them. Rip was shivering and pale, but he held out a hand towards her and it was clear that he wanted to touch her. She reached out her own hand to him and interlaced her fingers with his, giving him a smile.
"I used to wonder what Thawne had done to you, then I started to believe that I made you all up and I wondered how I'd created such vivid characters from my mind," said Rip. "But you are real, I didn't make you up?"
"You didn't make me up, Rip, I'm real, the Legends are real," said Sara. "Thawne used the Spear of Destiny to create this world and he put you in the asylum."
"I'm trying to remember that," said Rip, shakily, "but it's been so long since I was allowed to think clearly. It's hard to keep everything straight."
"Just hang in there. Once you're free of the drugs you'll be able to sort it all out," said Sara, hoping that she was right. She gave his hand a squeeze.
Rip closed his eyes, clearly in pain. He put a hand to his stomach, suggesting that he was about to throw up again. Gideon had the bowl in place ready in anticipation, but he had very little left to expel at this point, just bile and dry heaves. Sara met Gideon's eyes and they exchanged a concerned look, as Gideon resumed her soothing murmurs of reassurance.
"It's okay, you're nearly there," said Gideon.
"I just want to sleep," murmured Rip, lying back on the bed miserably.
"I know," said Gideon. "See if you can manage to rest, at least a little."
"I don't understand what I said wrong," said Rip. "Why did I fail the test, Gideon? Why are they doing this? I don't even remember the questions."
Gideon hung her head and Sara realised that whilst Rip might have recognised her, he still wasn't completely free of the influence of Arkham. He was lapsing in and out of understanding, believing that this was punishment for giving the wrong answers to one of their tests.
"It isn't a punishment, Captain, you're just ill," said Gideon. "It was the drugs that they gave you and you were on them for several months."
Sara really wanted to hurt Thawne for this. Even Darhk hadn't been this cruel with his punishment of the Legends. He'd just put her and Amaya to work, but on his side. He hadn't tortured them like Rip had been tortured. She shook her head, wishing she didn't have to leave him with Gideon and continue the mission, but she had to reverse all this. They needed to get the Spear of Destiny back.
Sara gave Rip's hand a final, gentle squeeze and then got to her feet, indicating that Gideon should follow her away from the bed. Gideon murmured something to him and he curled up on his side with a nod.
"He's still confused?" asked Sara, quietly so that Rip couldn't hear.
"I'm afraid so," said Gideon, "but at least he didn't say you were a delusion. He seems to relapse when the pain is bad. He associates it with the Asylum and what they did to him there if he wasn't compliant."
"Do you have any idea how long this is going to take?" asked Sara.
"It will probably be several more hours," said Gideon. "If we were on the Waverider then this would be much easier, but I have no idea where the ship might be."
"Me neither," said Sara. "But before we find the Waverider, we need to go and get Stein and stop him from building whatever it is that he's building for Thawne. And it could be dangerous. So, if you don't hear from us within three hours, you take Rip and you get out of the city. Thawne hasn't thought to look for us here yet, but it's only a matter of time."
Gideon nodded. "I understand. I will keep him safe."
Sara appreciated that. It was much easier to attend to business if she knew that Rip was safe with Gideon. They made their plan, leaving Mick with Gideon to keep watch.
Unfortunately, it all went wrong from the moment they entered the building.
Mick had left them shortly after the Legends had gone to the lab, mumbling crossly. At least her Captain did seem to be getting better. Several hours passed before the team returned, by which point, Rip was sleeping. He was still shivering and couldn't keep anything down, but the violent cramps had ceased and he wasn't in constant pain anymore.
Gideon smiled at the returning team as they entered the room, but her face fell as she noted their expressions.
"You were unsuccessful," she said. They all looked utterly miserable and defeated.
"Thawne destroyed the Spear," said Ray.
"And then he told us we could all go because we couldn't touch him anyway," said Ray, dismally.
"Amaya's dead," said Nate, "Snart killed her."
"We couldn't restore Grey's memories either," said Jax, thumping down in a seat.
Mick slammed his hand into a small table destroying it utterly. Gideon felt for her crew. This was a disaster and she could do nothing to help them. She was designed to protect, not just her Captain, but also her crew and she cared about all of them a great deal.
"My Mom's not going to be cool with that," said Nate, flatly, not even really looking at the destruction.
"We need the Waverider," said Sara. "We're going to have to find it."
"Yeah, but how?" asked Ray.
"Maybe Rip knows where it is," said Jax.
Gideon looked back towards the bed where her Captain was finally sleeping. "You will have to wait to ask him. He is currently sleeping and I don't want to wake him. He is exhausted after the withdrawal from the antipsychotics."
Sara nodded. "Don't worry, we've got the time to let him rest. Thawne's clearly decided we're not worth pursuing for now. I'd suggest we all get some sleep and come at this fresh tomorrow."
There were murmurs of agreement, and Nate left to ask his mother for more blankets and pillows, since Rip had taken over the bed. Gideon watched them all bed down, making sure that everyone was settled before she took her own blankets to the piece of floor closest to her Captain. She might be needed in the night. He was already somewhat restless and she anticipated nightmares.
The first one came early in the night and she was able to deal with it before it could wake any of the others. She called his name, and it seemed to be enough to shake him from it. The second was more violent and he awoke screaming from it, his eyes wide and frightened. She comforted him, trying to get him to go back to sleep quickly. The rest of the team stirred, and a few heads raised from their beds and looked in their direction before realising that she had it under control and settling again. She gave up any pretence of sleeping on the floor and lay down beside him, wrapping her arms around him, and he didn't wake again.
Gideon finally allowed herself to hope that she might be able to bring him through this and make him whole again.
Rip awoke feeling clearer than he had in months. He was still weak and shaky, but this was better than drugged out of his mind and unable to discern what was reality. Although to be honest he was still having trouble with that, even though he couldn't blame the drugs for his confusion any longer. He realised that during the night he'd unconsciously moved himself into the spread-eagled position that he'd been forced to sleep in when he was restrained in the Asylum. He inwardly sighed and moved to curl up on his side again, luxuriating in the mere ability to change position so easily.
He had a strange memory of Gideon being beside him during the night, but she wasn't there now. Perhaps he'd dreamed it as an antithesis to his nightmares. He tried to sit up and immediately realised how weak his muscles were and how drained he still felt. He closed his eyes for a moment, hoping that he'd somehow magically feel like he hadn't gone ten rounds with Mick Rory when he opened them.
"Hey," said a voice, and he opened his eyes to see Sara standing by his bed, holding a plate.
Rip frowned. "Sara?"
"Yes, in the flesh, and yes, I am real," she replied and sat down on the end of the bed. The sudden movement had him flinching away as his instinctive reactions kicked in. He'd spent a year with people that were happy to hit him if he did anything wrong and sometimes even when he hadn't.
"It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you," said Sara. "I just thought you might like some toast."
Rip's stomach growled, but he still felt slightly nauseous. He pulled the blankets closer around him. "Uh, thank you, but I'm not sure it's a good idea."
"Just try a little, and maybe some sips of water," suggested Sara, indicating the glass of water sat on the nightstand beside the bed. "You don't want to get dehydrated, it'll just make you feel worse."
Rip gave a small nod. Her voice sounded like she was giving an order, so he'd try to do as she said. He picked up the glass in shaking hands and sipped the water.
"How much should I drink?" he asked, not wanting to do this wrong and be in trouble again.
"However much you want," said Sara, clearly puzzled by the question. He was equally puzzled by her obvious confusion, before he remembered that she wasn't one of his jailers.
"I'm sorry, everything is blurring into confusion," said Rip. "My mind's clearer but pain is a surprisingly efficient conditioning tool and I'm used to being told what to do after so many months of… well…" He shrugged, not wanting to go into details. He took a few small sips and put the glass of water carefully back on the nightstand.
"Gideon told us what they did to you," said Sara. "We know that it's going to be hard to shake off."
"But alas we don't have the time for me to do that," said Rip. "We need to stop Thawne."
"He destroyed the Spear, Rip. There's only one way that we can stop him now," replied Sara.
Rip flinched at the sound of his name, and then had to take a moment to breathe deeply and assure himself that no one was going to take him for electroshock therapy because someone had used the name in his delusion. Except maybe this was a delusion. He'd dreamed about this moment so many times, the Legends coming to take him away from the Asylum. It had kept him going early on, the idea that someone out there would come to rescue him, until he'd realised that the only reality was the one he was in. Perhaps this was all a giant delusion that he'd made up to comfort himself.
"What's the matter?" asked Sara.
"You're a delusion," murmured Rip. He screwed his eyes shut, pulled his knees up to his chest, and tried to make her go away. "I know you're not real. Please, I know they're not real. Just no more treatments, please, and I promise I'll try harder to get better."
"Rip," said Sara. "No one's going to hurt you or send you for treatment. It's okay. You're not in Arkham anymore. You're not sick."
"Don't call me that," he said. "It's not my name."
"It's the only name I've ever known you by," said Sara. "You're Rip Hunter, former Time Master and Captain of the Waverider. You're also my friend."
His eyes flew open and Sara was still there, sat in front of him with a plate of toast, waiting for him to come back to his senses.
"I'm sorry," he said, distraught at the idea that he'd thought her an illusion of his mind. "I'm so sorry."
"You don't have to apologise. Nothing that happened to you is your fault," said Sara, and handed him the plate of toast. He tentatively accepted it and looked down at the slices of toasted white bread. It was plain, unbuttered, as if she'd realised that his stomach wouldn't handle much else at the moment. It was a simple act of kindness to a friend, and it nearly undid him. Tears welled in his eyes, as he took a small bite from one of the slices, and he blinked them away, embarrassed by his own emotions.
"Thank you," he mumbled, not daring to look at her. "Thank you for getting me out of there. I couldn't have survived it much longer, I was already believing their lies. Thawne would come to taunt me every so often and see how I was progressing. Everyone thought it was so good of him to take a special interest in my case, but really he was just there to tell me that everyone that I cared about had forgotten me."
Sara shuffled closer, more slowly this time, obviously trying not to alarm him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He leaned in towards her, enjoying the contact with another human being. He rested his head on her shoulder. For the last year, apart from Gideon, he'd been touched only for his supposed treatment or to hurt and humiliate him. It felt amazing to feel loved again.
"Are you saying that they would have killed you?" she asked, more gently than the question deserved.
Rip shook his head. "I doubt they would have ended my life physically, that wasn't the point of the exercise, but I wouldn't have been me anymore. They would have taken you all from me, and I wouldn't have even known what I'd lost."
"Oh, Rip," said Sara, sadly. "Well we did get you out of there, and we're all here now."
"Where's Gideon?" he asked.
"Sleeping on the couch," said Sara. "She spent the night pulling you out of bad dreams, so she needed the rest."
Rip was glad to hear that she was resting. "If it wasn't for her then I think I'd have given up all hope. I know Thawne put her there to help blur the lines of reality for me. I mean, how could my ship be human? But really it was a mercy, even without her memories, she was still Gideon."
"It was a shock for us seeing her as a human," said Sara, rubbing her hand up and down Rip's arm. "Speaking of Gideon, I don't suppose you know where the Waverider is?"
"Erm, well I have a rough idea," said Rip. "I know that Thawne shrank it down, probably using Ray's Atom suit."
"He shrank it down? How do you know that?"
"Because he brought it with him once when he came for his monthly visit," said Rip. "I think he was hoping I'd tell someone that he'd shrunk my time ship, because that would definitely not have been believed by my doctors. I wasn't quite so out of it as to fall into that trap though. I'd assume that he's got it somewhere at STAR Labs, prominently displayed as a trophy. But I'm sure Jax, Ray, Gideon and I can come up with a makeshift tracking device for it."
"Okay, that's the first good news we've had in a while," said Sara. "We'll start once Gideon's awake. And you need to try to eat some more. It'll help you feel better."
Rip sighed. He didn't want to lean away from Sara, but he couldn't very well eat with his head on her shoulder. He shifted over a little and picked up the toast again, nibbling at another corner.
"If you manage that, then you can have some yoghurt for dessert," said Sara.
"I think that excitement might have to wait a bit," said Rip, dryly. It would be a miracle if he made it through the toast.
Jax came over. "Hey there, how's it going?"
"Well, I'm doing slightly better at discerning what is reality," said Rip. "But I confess to things still being somewhat confusing at times."
"Yeah, it might help if things weren't so unbelievable in this part of reality," said Jax. "The Spear messed with everything."
"Rip thinks you, Ray and Gideon might be able to make a tracker to find the Waverider," said Sara.
Jax nodded. "We can try, for sure," he said. "With you and Gideon helping, we should manage it."
Rip nodded, "well, at least we can get started while we're waiting for Gideon." He put the toast down, pushed the blankets away, and moved to put his feet over the edge of the bed. The room tilted and his head swam, he put out a hand to steady himself and felt Sara grabbing him to keep him upright.
"Woah, not so fast," said Sara. "You've just spent most of a day throwing up, after months of being drugged out of your skull. You're nowhere near up to standing around rigging up tracking devices. You're purely in an advisory capacity on this."
"Sara, I'll be fine. I just need to move a bit more slowly," said Rip.
"No, you'll stay in this bed until Gideon gives you the okay to get up," said Sara. "Besides, you're not exactly dressed for being up and about."
Rip sighed. The white scrubs that all the patients in Arkham were forced to wear weren't exactly practical for everyday wear.
"Hey, Nate," shouted Jax. "Do you think you've got any clothes that would fit Rip?"
Nate stood up from where he'd been studying a book at his desk in the corner. "Er, no idea. He's kind of skinny. Maybe Mom kept something from when I was a teenager."
"You try surviving on asylum food for a year," said Rip, slightly grumpily. He took another bite of toast, as Sara rolled her eyes at Nate's lack of tact. Rip knew that he'd lost weight and he hadn't had that much to lose in the first place. He suspected he looked pretty bad now, with all the bruises, his hair shaved off and the enforced diet he'd been on.
Nate disappeared up the stairs, and Rip concentrated on trying to eat the whole piece of toast, which he managed with a bit of effort and some pauses to sip water for a moment. It took some time to slowly chew his way through it all. Nate came back down the stairs with a variety of items of clothing. He dumped them on the end of the bed.
"I hope you're happy, I just lied to my Mom to cover up why I needed clothes for the escaped mental patient that slept in my bed last night. She knows about the broken table, she wasn't amused, and she threatened to take it out of my allowance. She thinks my new friends are a bad influence."
"Dude, you totally had it made here," said Jax. "What the hell were the Legion thinking when they decided to torture you with this?"
"Oh, you know, I'm a haemophiliac again, no powers anymore, no one believes a word I say, and I'm stuck living in my Mom's basement with no independence whatsoever," said Nate. "Plus, they just killed my girlfriend!"
Nate kicked out at the sofa, crossly, waking Gideon, who sat up with a start.
"Damn it, sorry Gideon," he said, when he realised what he'd done. She was already waving off the apology.
"Nate," said Sara, "it's okay. We're all sad about Amaya."
"They killed Amaya?" asked Rip, quietly.
Sara's attention turned back to Rip. "Yes, sorry, I forgot you were asleep when we got back."
"I am truly sorry, Dr Heywood," said Rip. "I didn't realise that the two of you were so close."
"Neither did I," said Sara. "But we'll get her back, because we're going to fix reality."
Nate gave a rather sad nod and retreated back to his corner. Rip reflected that they were all a rather sad bunch of individuals, each nursing their own wounds and hoping that they could still fix the entire mess.
Gideon got up and stretched. "Oh good, you're eating," she said, looking over at Rip.
Rip nodded, tiredly. "I thought perhaps you, Ray and Jax might be able to put together a tracking device for the Waverider. Apparently, I'm only allowed to assist in a purely advisory capacity."
Gideon smiled at him. "Well, if Captain Lance is in agreement, then we could perhaps get you dressed and move you to the couch so that you could assist from a closer position to the work area."
Sara gave him a quick nod in acknowledgement. "Sure, if you think he's up to it."
"It's better to get him moving at this stage," said Gideon. She walked to the end of the bed and examined the pile of clothes there, picking out a white shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans. She handed them to Rip, who raised his eyebrows. He hadn't failed to notice that she'd picked out the items that were closest to what he usually wore. They did look as if they would probably fit him too.
"I'm sorry, but we don't appear to have a jacket," said Gideon. "Perhaps a hoody will do as a temporary defence against the cold."
"I'm sure it'll be fine, Gideon," said Rip, as she handed him that too. "I hesitate to ask, but I don't suppose there is such a thing as underwear in that pile. I've never been a fan of going commando."
"It's at the bottom of the pile," sad Nate. "Mom thought of everything, including socks."
"Please thank your mother for me," said Rip. He looked up at Gideon. "Would someone mind helping me to the bathroom so that I can get clean and change?"
"Of course," said Gideon, already offering him a hand up.
He felt better once he'd washed and changed. Gideon had provided him with some help when it came to both parts of that equation, but had managed to allow him enough privacy that he didn't feel too humiliated by the entire exercise. He even walked to the couch on his own, although Gideon was hovering nearby just in case he wobbled.
"Right, let's get to work," he said. "We should be able to track the Waverider's carrier signal, assuming she isn't completely powered down. If she is, then we may have to rethink."
Gideon gave him a smile, Jax gave him a pat on the shoulder and Ray offered him a high five.
"We haven't bloody well done anything yet," said Rip.
"Not yet," said Ray, "but you're up and dressed. We think that's pretty good for an escaped mental patient who didn't think we were real yesterday."
"Very funny," said Rip, "now if we could get back to work."
They built the tracker, which led them to the Waverider on Thawne's desk at STARLabs. Knowing the general area had helped them to narrow down their search greatly and meant the tracker could be less powerful. Then they located Ray's suit with only minimal interference from Damien Darhk in their escape, boarded the Waverider and headed for the temporal zone.
Rip was feeling more and more like himself as the walls of his world were shored up with further truths. His quarters felt familiar and he found his pocket watch there with the picture of Miranda and Jonas inside it. He found himself unafraid of their memory and was thankful for that. He was also very pleased that he wouldn't have to think of himself as their murderer any longer. He remembered the truth again now.
He still felt weak, but he could deal with that. He supposed that being drugged for so long was the cause, and occasionally he did still wonder if he was living in his delusion. Quite honestly, he preferred the delusion though, and he'd happily live in it if he got to be with his team again. Given that following Sara's plan would turn them all into aberrations, he doubted that it mattered anymore. They were the sacrifice that the Spear would demand to put everything back to how it had been before.
He was strangely okay with that.
"If we're going to be impersonating ourselves then I'll need a haircut," said Nate.
"And I'll need a hat," said Rip.
"And to put on a few pounds," said Jax.
"I think the uniform will cover it up," said Rip, "besides, people see what they're expecting to see. I doubt anyone will notice that I'm thinner than I was."
Sara sighed. "Fine, but don't hang around. In and out, as quickly as you can manage. Gideon, you're with me and Jax."
"Yes, Captain Lance," said Gideon. "If I might have a word with Captain Hunter before we go?"
"Of course, but make it quick, we don't have much time," said Sara.
Gideon nodded, and waited until everyone else had left the bridge. She helped Rip to his feet and he didn't protest, she knew that he was still tired and not back to full strength.
"If the next words out of your mouth are an apology, then I will not be pleased," said Rip.
Gideon had indeed intended to apologise, but stopped herself now. "We have not really talked about what happened in Arkham. I feel an apology is owed."
"You weren't yourself," said Rip. "Neither of us were by the time they'd drugged me out of my mind and made me believe all the lies they were feeding me. You weren't cruel like the other nurses, you were still in there, my Gideon, caring for me. I looked forwards to seeing you, even though I knew you didn't remember me."
"But I allowed them to hurt you, the electroshock treatment alone…" began Gideon.
Rip held up a hand. "Not you, and yes, it was horrific and it hurt and I despaired some days of ever getting out of there, but it is over, and I will always be thankful to Eobard for giving me this moment with you."
He took her hand and then he leaned forwards and kissed her on her lips, pulling her into an embrace as the kiss deepened. There were stood in almost exactly the same location that they had been in his mindscape when he had kissed her, except this time the kiss was real and so much better because of it. His lips were warm and soft on hers and she felt herself fall for him all over again in that moment. They reluctantly broke away from each other to breathe, holding their embrace for a little while longer.
"Although it is just as well that the psychologists never saw this," he said, smiling at her. "What would they say about a Captain who was in love with his ship?"
Gideon returned the smile. "Perhaps nothing if they knew that the ship also loved her Captain."
Next up: Mick finds himself meeting Thawne's new assistant.