Forgo
Warnings: 1&2, 1x2 fic. Sap, eventually all of the fruits of citrus, language, and maybe more… I'll have impromptu warnings per chapter if I feel one's needed.
Disclaimer: It's on my main author page but I guess I'll say it again. I don't own anything except for my original characters, plot ideas, and made up locations. Everything else belongs to the creators and distributors of Gundam Wing.
Forgo - forfeit: lose or lose the right to by some error, offense, or crime
Chapter 1: And so the doc said…
"It's not a matter of me not caring, it's that…I care too much. Things would have been…easier, I guess, if I hadn't cared. If I really had been able to just focus on the missions, on the fight for peace…things would have been different." Deep blue eyes scanned the floor below him. The cream colored berber greeted him as solemnly as he greeted it. Inwardly he sighed and continued. "There is no place for caring on the battlefield. It will leave a soldier unfocused and, in the end, dead or at least…heartbroken."
The woman seated in an identical plush leather chair across from him shifted at the word 'heartbroken'. It was the first time he had used that word. It wasn't that she thought he was incapable of feeling that way, or denied that he had even experienced heartbreak, it was just…well…weird to hear the stoic young adult speak of it. Even if it was in the context of battle and not love.
"But…?" The word was one of the 'filler words' for the brown haired man. When he began to falter in speech she would urge him on with a 'but…?', 'and…?', or 'so…?' Although she was known to throw an 'and then…?' or 'so you…?' in there to mix things up, if you could even call that 'mixing it up'.
"But…I," he faltered again, trying to reign in his thoughts and form them into words. That's what they were working on today, since it was an issue he had developed early over the twenty years of his life. "I started to care. I'm not supposed to care. It wasn't in my training. Compassion, caring, love…hell, friendship wasn't even a part of my training. I was made to be the perfect solder, not the perfect child or son. He said that a child could never bring peace. That children had no place in war… If I didn't have a place in war then where did that leave me?"
'Alone. Always alone. No matter what, I was alone.' He shook his head at the thought and the flood of memories that came with it. Quiet nights with Trowa and the short conversations they had shared, it never took many words for them to understand each other. The open and quick friendship that was offered to him by Quatre, even though the blonde knew next to nothing about him, their only connection was the colonies and their Gundams, for the blonde that had been enough. Then Duo…
"Duo." The name ghost past his lips before he could bring himself not to.
"Heero?"
His eyes snapped to the woman across from him for the first time since he had started digressing, as he liked to call it. "Yes, doctor."
She laughed softly at the title, just like she always did when the young man called her by it. "When are you going to stop calling me that? I'm not a doctor remember, I'm an advisor. Besides, it's Bay, remember?" Brown eyes danced with amusement as she spoke because she knew he was never going to call her anything but 'doctor'.
Heero just frowned and shook his head at her. The doctor, or Bay McThyme, was now cleaning the thin rimmed glasses that had rested on her face. He regarded her with the same scrutiny he always has since he first met her. He didn't understand how the caramel skinned 5'5" woman managed to get him talking. Everything about her was average. She had average dark hair that was always pulled up into a bun, she wore average clothes which usually consisted of jeans or slacks and a blouse of some kind, she drove an average car, her office was filled with what you'd expect to find at an 'advisor's' office – books, nicnacs, tissue boxes, and plants. The only thing he could imagine was the cause for her talent to get him to speak was her quick wit and her personality. She was as carefree as Duo. She always seemed to have a smile for him and a laugh bubbling just below the surface.
"You know, if you stare at someone like that you're going to creep them out right?" When he just blinked at her she laughed again. "Heero, you're my favorite client." At the complement he rolled his eyes and let himself fall back into the overly plush back cushion. "What it's true."
"Hn." He was seriously frowning now, lost in his own thoughts.
"Heero." Hearing his name brought him back to reality. "Heero, you've got to let things go. What happened during the war is long gone, what matters is what you do with the time you have now." She leaned forward as she spoke, passion filling her words. "If there's something you regret," a small hand landed on his knee, "then you need to do something about it. If you miss them…him soo much then go to him."
Shocked by her words he could only manage to stare at her, his blue eyes unblinking. 'Did she really just say…I can't just go back to him. I can't pretend like no time has past and try to pick up where we left off.' The feeling of the hand leaving his knee brought his eyes back into focus.
"Heero…"
"I can't."
She shook her head at him before speaking again. "Heero, you can't just keep running away. Running isn't going to make anything better, I thought that you would have realized that by now."
He fixed her with a glare. "I know that. I just don't think it's my place to just show up again out of no where."
"So it's okay to just do nothing but wish that things were different." She met his glare with one of her own. "If you're not willing to try then why are you still coming to see me? I thought we were working towards something Heero, I thought you were going to take what you learn here and apply it not file it away with some other useless information you might have stored up in that stubborn head of yours."
"There's no such thing as useless information." He muttered.
She laughed at him then her voice filling the room. "So I've heard. Well here's the deal Heero. The only area of your life you need to work on is this. If you're not willing to face how you feel or Duo then we have nothing else to work on. You're already back to work on missions, Sally told me she thinking of pulling you so that you can join Wufei on elite missions, the nightmares have stopped, the anxiety is gone. Heero, the only thing that's left is apologizing for not staying in touch and going to see Duo."
He studied the floor as he contemplated her words. 'She's right of course. I just don't think I can face Duo. I don't even know what I'd do once I saw him. And the others…Quatre's so kind he'd probably just be happy to hear from me. Trowa wouldn't say anything, I know. Wufei' well I see him at least once a week. I guess I could have made an effort to speak with him, find out how he's doing. …. Who am I kidding?'
"Heero, stop thinking about it and just do it. You've been thinking about it for long enough. You're almost twenty-one Heero, it's time to stop thinking. Too much time has passed since the Mariemaia incident. That's too long for you to be thinking about what you'll do once you see him."
His eyes shot up at the last sentence. She laughed again.
"Don't look soo surprised. It's been almost three years Heero, I like to think that I know how your mind works. Now, since you've probably made the entire ordeal seem way worse than it could possibly be I'm going to tell you something."
He looked at her expectantly.
"Try." She didn't say anything more, she didn't have to. Instead she stood, walked to the door and showed Heero out. A small smile was on her face as she watched him leave.
--
And there we have it. So, what do you think? Good? Bad? Horrible? hides Well just let me know what you guys think I guess. O.o; I'm currently working on re-writing a FF8 story but this fic has been going through my head for awhile. I have a need for sap between Heero and Duo…I also have the need to watch Heero stumble along the road of falling in love and acknowledging that's how he feels. .