I wrote a story a while back called 'A Light in the Distance' in which Hailey and Adam found themselves pregnant and ultimately decided they weren't ready to be parents. But I've been wondering ever since what it would be like if they were parents. So, this is that. But of course, I couldn't make it easy. This is an angsty one. I'm not sure why I do this too myself really, but I just started writing and before I knew I had 3,000 words so I just kept going.
I wrote a lot of this in one go, but it's too long to post in one part. There will probably be three of four parts. Thank you in advance for reading. If you like it, I hope you will continue. Part 2 will be posted in a couple of days.
"Adam, you need to come. She's here and she's very sick."
The tone of Rachel's voice sent a jolt through Adam's body and he froze with fear. This couldn't be it, it couldn't. But the tone of the nurse's voice was all too familiar to him. This wasn't the first time he'd heard a medical professional speak to him this way. But this was different. If it was Rachel who was calling him, it must be serious.
"I'm coming baby."
Adam bolted out of the District and into his car and honestly couldn't remember if he told anyone where he was going or if he even saw anyone on his way out. But his colleagues all knew there was only one reason he'd run out in the middle of a working day and he knew from experience they would all understand. This wasn't the first time.
Adam raced through the doors of Lakeshore Emergency Department breathless but alert, his adrenaline pumping.
"Adam." Rachel saw him from the nurses station and rushed over. "We've stabilised her for now, they're getting ready to move her upstairs." She spoke slowly, holding Adam's arms firmly to try and calm him down. "I was just coming on shift when the ambulance brought her in."
Adam nodded but it was clear he was only half-listening, his mind was already in the ICU with the most precious thing in his life who was poorly and needed him. Rachel reached up and touched his cheek gently. The gesture made Adam finally focus on her face.
"Can I see her?"
Rachel took her boyfriend's hand and kissed it. It was shaking. "Of course. We moved her to a side room for privacy. Hailey is in there with her."
Adam nodded. He wouldn't expect Hailey to be anywhere else. He took a deep breath to steady himself and he could feel his heart rate begin to return to normal. He needed to be calm, no matter how scared and panicked he felt inside there was someone else who was surely feeling worse. Adam knew he needed to be the strongest person in that room. His girls needed him.
'I'm not your girl anymore.' Adam heard Hailey's voice in his head. But she was. In moments like this she would always be his girl. She was the mother of his child and he still cared about her. Their little girl was sick and she was the only person in the world who could understand exactly what he was feeling. Their romantic relationship may have ended but they would forever be a bond between them. Adam wouldn't have it any other way.
Hailey looked up when she heard the door open and she smiled weakly when she saw who it was. She looked exhausted, she had bags under her eyes and her eyes were red from crying. There were still tears drying on her face. "She was having trouble breathing but they say she's stable enough not to need intubation at this point. They just put a tube in her nose to help her breathe."
Adam walked around to the side of the bed and put his hand on Hailey's shoulder. "That's good." Adam looked down at his four year old daughter. She looked paler and more fragile than he had seen her in a long time and it broke his heart. "What happened?"
Hailey took her eyes off Adam and resumed the vigil over her child. "I don't know. She was fine, she went downhill so quickly." Hailey's tears flowed again and Adam wrapped his arms around her shoulders. She didn't fight it, she didn't have the energy.
"It can happen that way" Adam said sadly. "Her heart's just too weak."
"She was fine this morning. After you left she was alert and happy. But she went down for a nap and when I checked on her ten minutes later I knew something was wrong."
Adam bent down to kiss his daughter on the forehead. "Hi princess" he said softly. His lips brushed her forehead and he stroked her hair. Freya didn't stir.
On a good day the little girl was so full of life, despite all her problems. Sometimes they could pretend that nothing was wrong. But deep down her parents knew that there were many things very very wrong, her weak heart was just one of those things. Freya was perfect, in all the ways that made her the person she was, but keeping her something close to healthy had been a battle ever since she was born.
"The cardiologist said he there were a few things they could try, but she might need an operation, Adam." Hailey crumpled forward then, her head rested on the mattress of the bed Freya was lying on. She looked so tiny lying on the bed meant for an adult. They had known another heart surgery was a possibility all along, but held out hope that it was a last resort and they weren't there yet. But that last resort seemed to get nearer every day.
Adam rubbed Hailey's back to try to sooth her. "Hey, shhh." There was no good saying everything would be okay. He knew better than that and he didn't want to lie to her. "Have you eaten?" He asked. "Have you slept?"
Hailey shook her head. When did she have time for that when she didn't want to take her eyes off Freya for a single second?
"You need to look after yourself too" Adam said.
Hailey shrugged. She didn't answer right away but when she did it wasn't the answer Adam wanted. "I'm fine, don't worry about me."
"I do though" he said. "Always." Adam sat down heavily in a plastic chair that was positioned by the bed. "God, look at her. I feel so helpless. I wish I could do more."
Now it was Hailey's turn to comfort Adam. She fought it sometimes, he wasn't hers to cling to any more. Their relationship had ended, the strain of having a special needs child was just too much for their relationship to survive. But since the day Adam moved out, he'd proved time and again that he wasn't only there for Freya but for Hailey too. He'd bought a place only a couple of blocks from the house they used to share. He was there every day when Freya woke up, or to make her dinner, or to supervise bath time and tuck her into bed. Hailey could see what a great father he was every time he watched the two of them together. The fact that he was there for his daughter wasn't a surprise to Hailey, but the fact he was still there for her was.
"There's nothing more you can do, Adam. There's nothing more either of us can do." Hailey sounded hopeless. Adam wanted to shake her and tell her to keep believing but it would sound false, because he was feeling the same.
"I could. I know I could help out more. Work less hours, take her some days to give you a break. You're with her 24/7, the few hours each day I'm there isn't enough."
"You have to work, Adam. We need the health insurance." Hailey shrugged and made a face that said 'it is what it is' and Adam cursed the policy makers that forced him to choose between paying for healthcare and being there for his family. After her official maternity leave had ended, once they realised the level of care that Freya would need went beyond that of a typical child, Hailey made the decision not to go back to work. She put her career on hold. Adam had just made detective and it seemed like the sensible thing to do, but a little part of Adam had envied that choice. The first time Adam went back to work after Freya was born was so hard, all he wanted to do was stay at home and care for her.
Adam stood and started pacing the room but finally he stopped and took a deep breath. Getting agitated wouldn't help, getting angry at faceless bureaucrats wouldn't help. Hugging Hailey and holding Freya's hand probably wouldn't help that much either in the grand scheme of things but that's what he did. Adam draped one arm over Hailey's shoulders and took his daughter's little hand in his.
"It's not fair" Hailey said. "She's had so much shit to deal with in her life. Why is this happening?"
Hailey looked at Adam with pleading eyes. There was no reason, other than the universe is cruel and life is unfair. But he knew what was coming next and hugged Hailey tighter with the fierceness of a lion protecting his pride.
"It's my fault" Hailey said in a small voice. It wasn't the first time Adam had heard this and it probably wouldn't be the last. But he replied in the same patient understanding way he always did.
"It's not" he said. "It's not."
"Shit. Shit."
Hailey sat on the edge of the bath staring down at the word that had appeared in the little window and changed her life forever. "Shit." She covered her mouth with her other hand but it was too slow to stop a sharp gasp escaping her lips.
A moment later where was a knock at the bathroom door and Hailey nearly jumped out of her skin. She thought she was home alone, Adam was supposed to be out for a drink. She'd heard him leave, but was too distracted to hear him return. It was a Saturday, a day off for both of them, and Hailey had been distracted all day, wanting desperately to find out one way or the other if what she feared was true, but she wanted to be alone when she did.
Where she was with Adam, a year and a half into a relationship and sharing a house, was further than she had ever got with a guy before. Every single step was huge for her, every day she opened herself up a little more and allowed him into her life and into her heart. But still in times of crisis, her first instinct was to deal with it alone. Hailey didn't think that would ever change, it was fundamental to who she was. And that's what she was doing now, or trying to.
She had hoped that if the test was positive she would have at least a couple of hours alone to process the news before Adam came home, but here he was, merely a minute after she'd received the news herself.
"Hailey? Are you alright in there?"
Hailey took a deep breath. "Yeah. I just feel nauseous." That wasn't a lie, she had felt sick to her stomach all day, but whether that was due to morning sickness or nerves she couldn't say.
Hailey put the test down on the window sill and splashed water on her face while she figured out a strategy. The old Hailey Upton would have pushed all her current feelings deep down inside herself and deny that anything was wrong. The old Hailey would probably bolt from the house and try
to run away from her problems.
But that wasn't who she was anymore. She loved the man knocking gently on the other side of the door and she could just imagine the look of concern on his face, the way his brow furrowed and his eyes closed slightly whenever he was worried about something. She felt like crying.
She took a final look at herself in the mirror and, her hands shaking, picked up the test. When she unlocked the bathroom door with a click, Adam was standing in the hallway, still wearing his jacket, with the very same look of worry on his face as Hailey had imagined.
"Hey, what's the matter darlin'?" Adam could tell straight away that something had happened.
Hailey slipped the test into her jeans pocket. She wanted to stall, just a little longer, just until she felt a little less panicked. "I didn't think you'd be home so soon."
"My cousin's kid is sick, he had to cancel. I didn't really want to drink alone so I thought we could have a quiet night in."
Adam smiled cautiously and stepped towards Hailey holding his arms out for an embrace. But Hailey side stepped his advance and walked quickly into the bedroom they shared, tears forming in her eyes.
Adam followed her, more concerned than ever. "Hailey, talk to me. What's wrong?"
Hailey sat down heavily on the mattress and put her face in her hands. Adam sat down beside her and gently rubbed her back. Overwhelmed, Hailey laid her head on his shoulder and tried to keep her tears at bay. She wasn't exactly upset, they were more tears of shock and frustration that they could have let this happen. Without knowing what was wrong, Adam hugged her tighter.
Hailey knew it was stupid, but in that moment she really was scared about how Adam would react. But she couldn't lie to him, it wouldn't be fair. She reached around and pulled the pregnancy test from her back pocket. She held it out for Adam to see.
"Oh my god" Adam said. His tone was one of pure shock. He took the white plastic device from her and peered closely at the digital display as if to really check it said what he thought it said.
"Yeah" was all Hailey couldn't mange to say. They both sat there for a second in stunned silence.
Hailey felt herself begin to lose the battle to stay calm and the panic she had been trying so desperately to hold off rose within her. She stood up abruptly and began pacing the room. Adam watched her, still clutching the test.
"I can't be pregnant, Adam. I can't. I don't want a baby, I never have. I can't believe this is happening."
Adam stayed calm. She didn't try to go to Hailey then, he knew her well enough to know that she would calm down in her own time once she'd had a chance to vent, and her usual level-headed rational self would return.
"We can't keep it." Hailey stopped and ran her fingers through her hair in frustration. "I wish this wasn't happening."
Hailey looked at Adam with a mixture of annoyance and helplessness and Adam took that as his cue. He tossed the test onto the bedsheets and went to her.
"It will be alright, you know" he said. "Whatever happens, it will be alright."
Hailey buried her face in his chest. Her voice was muffled when she repeated "I don't want a baby."
Adam wrapped his arms around her shoulders. "Shhh, stop. You're in shock. We don't have to talk about this now, we have plenty of time." Adam didn't read too much into Hailey's words, she was in shock. He was too, honestly, but he recognised that Hailey's emotions in this situation would be heightened, it was only natural. Once she had calmed down and got used to the idea, they would have a proper conversation about this new and unexpected twist in their relationship. But for now they just stood in the middle of their bedroom floor hugging.
Hailey looked into Freya's beautiful face and stroked her silky blonde hair where it splayed out over the pillow. She'd had this conversation with Adam so many times, she felt like she was stuck on repeat. But the guilt she felt had never left her, and even now after all they'd been through. Hailey still trusted Adam enough to feel safe saying the words again without fear he would pass judgement.
"I didn't want her, Adam. The very day I found out I was pregnant my first instinct was to get rid of the baby and pretend it had never happened. How could I do that? What kind of mother does that make me?"
"You're an amazing mother, Hailey. And it isn't your fault."
"I feel like I'm bring punished. And my baby girl is the one that's suffering."
Adam reached over to stroke Freya's hair too and his fingers brushed Hailey's. "Freya's conditions are random, okay? The doctors have always said that everything that's wrong with her was determined the moment she was conceived. Nothing you did caused this. Nothing."
Hailey was silent and tears streamed down her cheeks. "She's so sick Adam. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take."
Adam wiped tear from his own cheek quickly. He didn't want Hailey to noticed, although he realised that was stupid. Over the last 4 years they'd seen each other cry countless times and held each other while they did, their tears mingling together in their shared moments of anguish. Every piece of bad news they'd ever got about their daughter they had gotten together, and after every test result and doctors appointment they'd cried for Freya and all the pain she was going through.
"You're stronger than you know" Adam said. "You have no idea."
Hailey shook her head. She didn't feel strong, she felt a wreck. And despite the words of comfort that Adam spoke with conviction, just the same as all the other times they'd had this conversation, or a version of it, Hailey couldn't shake the nagging feeling that she was to blame after all. Science told her that Freya's genetic conditions were a random and cruel throw of the dice, but in the depths of her heart she didn't believe it.
Hailey had come around, as Adam suspected she might. "We can do this, can't we?" she asked him one afternoon, her eyes shining. "Right? I love you, and you love me I think, and we're adults and more than capable of raising a child."
"Absolutely" Adam replied, taking Hailey by the shoulders, his face inches from hers. "On all counts." He kissed her, and the smile that was creeping onto Hailey's face all the while burst open and Adam thought his heart might explode too.
That was a couple of weeks before the worst day of either Hailey or Adam's lives up to that point. The day they'd walked into the OBGYN office full of excitement and hope for the future and left feeling helpless and crushed.
Hailey sat in the doctor's office and Adam held her hand so tightly her fingers were beginning to go numb, but she didn't care. It matched the feeling in her gut that something was very wrong. The nurse that had settled them into the room was hiding something and they knew it, despite her effort to be cheerful. She had offered them water with a smile and told them the doctor would be in any moment, but she wouldn't make eye contact and left in a hurry. Adam and Hailey had both been cops long enough to read a person's body language for clues, and every clue they were being given hinted that there was a problem. But as they waited for the doctor in charge to come and see them, neither of them knew the extent of what was in store.
After what felt like years the doctor entered and closed the door behind him deliberately and calmly. "I'm afraid it's not good news" he said. Hailey remembered appreciating that he was cutting straight to the chase. She had no time for bullshit in any area of her life. She looked at Adam in alarm.
"I have the results of the genetic test we did, and I've had a good look at the latest ultrasound we did and we've identified a few problems with your baby."
"Is she dead?" Hailey blurted out. The pronoun just slipped out, they didn't know the gender of the baby then, but Hailey had a feeling all along it was a girl.
The doctor smiled sadly. "No, the baby is alive. But you need to prepare yourself."
"Please just tell us doc" Adam said. His voice wavered. It was the most frightened Hailey had ever seen him.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your baby has Down Syndrome. Not only that, the scans show some heart abnormalities that may turn out to be life threatening. I know this news is a shock, I truly am sorry." After a respectful moment of silence, the doctor pushed his chair away from his desk so he could stand up. "I'll leave you both alone for a minute. When you're ready I'll go through your options with you. But take your time. Whenever you're ready."
For two days, Adam and Hailey didn't talk about it. They went about their days in subdued but not uncomfortable silence. They each needed time to process what the doctor had told them separately, they understood without saying it that neither of them was ready to talk straight away. Instead they let each other know in a hundred silent says, with a cup of tea or a hold of the hand, that they were there for each other.
Hailey to broached the subject one night when they were lying in bed. "I was doing some research" she said quietly. "Do you know how many parents choose to terminate when they receive the diagnosis of Down Syndrome?"
Adam closed his eyes and nodded. He'd been doing some research of his own. "Yeah, I do."
"It's a lot. I know that's what I said I wanted, when I'd just found out I was pregnant. But Adam, I don't know if I can do it."
Adam hadn't realised he was holding his breath until a deep sigh of relief escaped his mouth.
"This baby's real" Hailey said. It seemed like a stupid thing to say, it was obvious, but she grabbed Adam's hand under the covers and placed it on the slight swell of her belly. "I can feel them in there. Whatever is wrong with them, it doesn't mean we'll love them any less. It's our child."
Adam held Hailey tightly. It scared him to love this child too much, when they had very little idea what lay in store for them if they continued down this path fate had set them on. "It will be hard" he said. He wasn't trying to put Hailey off, but was simply trying to prepare her with words of caution before they leapt into the unknown.
"Probably. But it feels right, doesn't it?" The enormity of the decision they were making was not lost on Hailey. She craned her neck around to try and read Adam's expression and gain some insight into what he was feeling. What she saw on his face was relief, and just a hint of excitement.
"What are we going to tell people? I'm not sure I could stand any looks of sympathy and pity."
It was just like Hailey to start thinking of the practicalities, but Adam felt a duty to stop her racing ahead. "Steady. Very few people even know you're pregnant. We don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to. Just one step at a time."
Adam could tell Hailey was trying to be brave, that she was just as frightened as he was and was trying not to show it.
"We're doing this" Hailey said. It was a statement, not a question, but she still sought reassurance.
Adam replied anyway, with a firm kiss to the top of her head. "I love you so much."