Alexander speaks to Hephaestion, after he returns to Babylon. Obviously, takes place after Hephaeston has died.
Songfic based on "Lost in Paradise" by Evanescence.
(words in italics are the song lyrics)
Rating: K
(I was supposed to be writing something funny and smutty for a dear Echelon sister but I heard this song the other day and it screamed at me to write it)
Babylon is beautiful; there is no doubt of that. It is paradise. All that I see is mine. I have opulence beyond measure here; every luxury imaginable is available to me at a word. The view from our balcony here never ceases to take my breath. I had hoped we could rest here, and stay here for a long time. You and I together. I hoped we could live out our dreams here, raise our children together, grow old together. I wanted to show you how much I truly love you and give you everything your heart desired. I had so much to make up for.
Alas, it seems the gods had other plans.
I have always believed that the gods sent you to me; that you were created to be my other half. I have believed that since we first met as children. You were the gods' gift to me, and their omens showed me clearly that you were the one who was to be by my side forever.
I've been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
So…why have they taken you from me now? I thought myself a god. Is that why? Is it punishment for my arrogance? If they wished to destroy me, they have succeeded.
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me
I have been living in denial these last months. I try to put it out of my mind and pretend it never happened. I walk to your chambers each day, expecting you to be there waiting for me. But you are not. When I allow myself to face reality, I realize that you will never again be there, that I will never again see the smile that lit your face when I would seek you out. No, I am empty now. The one thing that I always had I no longer have. Hope. Hope for our future, hope for better days to come, hope for us together. Hope. I have no more of it.
All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me, but I'm broken
There were so many promises between us. You kept yours, all but the one. You promised never to leave me, but you did. I know that was not by your own choice. Why sometimes does it make me angry that you left me, when I know it was not your fault? It is my own selfishness. Forgive me, my love.
As for me, I made lots of promises to you, and I broke a great many of them. I promised to love only you. Deep in my heart that is still true, but I allowed others to tarnish what we had, the perfect love we shared. My foolish desires caused you great pain, this I know. I knew better, I did. I took to my bed so many others, while you sat on the sidelines and held your pain inside. To my knowledge, you took no other lovers. You had promised to remain faithful to me, and I believe that is a promise you kept. I was not worthy of such devotion, but then again I was never worthy of you at all, in any sense.
You always believed in me, no matter what. Even when I was a self-centered ass and made a fool of myself, you believed in me. Your belief gave me strength and made me believe in myself, too. Now you are gone, and my belief is gone as well. Belief in myself, belief in the future…gone. Now, I believe in nothing.
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
Not only do I believe in nothing, but I have nothing, at least not the things that are important to me. All of this that surrounds me, it is nothing. The thing I want I cannot have. I am left wanting, and no way to assuage that want. It eats at my soul and I die a little bit every day. The gods can be generous, but they can also be cruel.
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
I am lost. I no longer know which direction to go, what to think, what to believe, or who to trust. You were always my anchor when I needed to hold steady, my beacon when I lost my way, the peace that filled my soul, and the fire that burned in my blood. You were all these things, and much more. Now you are gone. And I am lost.
As much as I'd like the past not to exist
It still does
And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you
I wish I could go back in time. I would do so many things differently, or not at all. I have so many regrets, and I will never forget. No, I will never forget or forgive myself for what I put you through at times. You deserved so much better.
I thought this place would be my home. OUR home. Now…without you, I have no home. My home was wherever you were. That is gone, and I am afraid. Yes, I admit it. I feel fear such as I have never known before. As much as I feared death, I fear life without you even more.
I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
I want you with me so badly. Will it never stop, this awful emptiness and longing? I doubt it very much.
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
Without you, I am truly lost. I have lost the other half of my soul. No other person or thing will ever fill the void you have left. Nor do I want them to.
Run away, run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore
I want to run. As far and as fast as I can. I want to run from the pain and fear that I feel, from the loneliness and despair that permeate my being. I want to stop hurting. I want my grief to subside. I doubt that it will. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want destroy everything in my path. I want to do something…anything…to lessen the pain I feel. It matters not. Nothing can do that now.
Take it all away
Shadows of you
Cause they won't let me go
You follow me everywhere, you know. I see your shadow and I know that, somehow, you are there, just out of reach. I dream of you at night, only to wake and find that you are not beside me. I hear a joke or want to share a thought, but when I turn to you, I see only shadows. I cannot escape them. They follow me. They consume me. They take another piece of my soul each day. Each day, I care just a little less about all that I have. All I know is what I do not have. You.
Until I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting
We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise
I would give it all up, my love. I would walk away from all of it for you. I would live in a tent with only the clothes on my back if it meant I could be with you. All that I have, it means nothing. All I have achieved, it means nothing. My goals, my dreams, my desires, they mean nothing. I would sell all that I own for one more day with you. Just one. You are worth that much to me.
I wish I had shown you that in life. Perhaps…just perhaps…I can show you in death. I fear I will not be long after you, my Patroclus. My will to live died when you did. None of the rest matters any longer. I was told to stay away from here this time, but it does not matter.
Alone, and lost in paradise
Until death comes for me, I am alone. Alone, and lost. But we will be together soon, this I know. And we won't feel the pain any longer. And nothing else will matter.
Soon, my love. Very soon.
Lyrics from Lost In Paradise…Evanescence