If you honestly believe I'm just going to open up to you, you're sorely mistaken. A person in my position does not merely open up to the world. I must be trained to do so. Trained by those whom I trust - a privilege that is not easily earned. And if you care enough to train me to divulge the deepest of my thoughts with ebullience, then I'll be sure I can trust you, for the task is far more daunting than it may appear. I've lived sans family for a very long time, and with a terrifying childhood, I refuse to relive my past only to explain to others - people who I will never care to speak with after a while - my… condition - if you will.
That isn't to say that I do not wish to disclose my opinions and anecdotes to someone - anyone; on the contrary, I wish for nothing more. But with my… condition, I am simply uncomfortable speaking about topics that regard my life; past, present, or future. I will listen and respond enthusiastically to the issues you and others face, but I will rely on your selfishness to keep me from speaking. It's funny how that works, isn't it? Everybody is too caught up in their own lives that no one gives a flying fuck about how you were permanently scarred just the night before by someone who was supposedly your role model in life - not that anyone is aware of it. And that's no fault of theirs; it's human nature to be interested in oneself, and to show a genuine interest to one's surroundings is an admirable and rare trait. But we all strive for self-satisfaction and perpetual happiness. And that alone will make us neglect our duties as philanthropists. Take a common stereotype for example - lawyers. We are often believed to be concerned only with money and our well-being. Unfortunately, the statement has merit, for the most part, and the blanket hampers our potential to have a profound impact on the world.
But I digress; I'm not here to blither endlessly about my philosophical beliefs. I'm not here to denigrate mankind as a whole. I'm here writing because this is the only way I feel like I can express my emotions. I don't care if I have dedicated readers, as my being able to express my emotions to any anonymous Carl half-way across the world for even the briefest of moments in the subtlest of manners is much more satisfying to me than to keep all of my emotions and thoughts trapped within the walls of my mind for eternity. The bulwarks that restrain me from expressing earnest apprehensions need to be removed completely, and in time, they will be. But for now, I am content to chip away slowly at the seemingly impenetrable walls that disable me. Though I have yet to speak extensively on the events of my life, I feel as if these few paragraphs have illustrated [to those who pay strict attention to detail - like I said, I will be subtle in my approach] the most basic aspects, and some of the most complex aspects of who I am and who I perceive myself to be. This is a diary of sorts, and very accurately portrays the rest of my life as no one knows it.