Nikolai had been adopted when he was just a baby. Of course, Nikolai himself had no memory of it. But his parents were always more than happy to relay the story of how he had looked up at his papa with his bright blue eyes and gurgled happily, how he had crinkled his nose at his otousan, and how he had grabbed his sister's finger and put it in his mouth while she squealed in delight. And, just like that, their family had been complete, and perfect.
At least, that was the way his parents always told it.
Nikolai himself wasn't so sure. The first memory he had of feeling out of place came from the tender age of 4. They had all been out at a restaurant, simply having dinner, when a young couple had been led to a table next to them. The man had looked scornfully at the two men and children, and his lip had curled up into a sneer. He had loudly asked if they could be seated away from the "disgusting display of homosexuality," looking almost triumphant as every eye in the restaurant turned on them. The woman with him had said nothing, but looked smug as they were led to another table in a separate room. His otousan had looked close to tears, and his papa had given his best podium smile as he'd asked to speak to the owner. Nikolai didn't fail to notice that they were only granted this audience after Papa had mentioned all the medals that he and Otousan had won for ice skating. The night ended with a profuse apology to their family, and the removal of the other couple from the restaurant, but it had left little Nikolai with many questions. He'd tried asking his sister Aki, but she had simply pursed her lips tightly and said that he should ask Papa instead.
Luckily for him, he hadn't had to wait too long with his questions, as Papa had taken both of them aside as soon as they'd arrived home and sent Otousan safely to bed. He'd pulled both of them onto his lap, Aki not even protesting this despite fancying herself to be a grown lady at the important age of 11. Papa had looked them both in the face unflinchingly and explained that, while he and Otousan loved each other and both of them very much, there were some people who thought that two men being in love was wrong. He told them that, in their lives, they were sure to see much more of this when they were out as a family, but they should remember that, no matter what anyone said or thought, they were a real family, and there was no reason to feel ashamed with how they lived their lives. Both children had cried, although Aki had tried to hide it, and Nikolai had asked his thousand questions, which Papa had answered kindly and patiently. Otousan had even come out of his room after a little while, his eyes shimmering with tears, and embraced them all together. They had sat there for a long time, simply being together, and Nikolai's vulnerable heart had healed a little bit.
However, he had never forgotten that feeling of derision, of ridicule. And, true to what his papa had told him, it was far from the last time that he was forced to endure that feeling in public. Time and again, the scoffing looks, the muttered derision, the scandalized gasps of passerby ticked their way into Nikolai's heart. Slowly, he came to hate the family that had chosen him, and resentment began to seep its way into his life.
By the time he was in elementary school, he knew enough to understand that he wanted no part in that life for his future family. He realized that he was unable to protect his parents from the scorn of the world, but he was determined not to allow himself and any family he chose to have in the future to live that kind of pain. So he watched quietly, and he learned. He learned that men who loved other men were seen as weak, feminine, and unworthy to be accepted by true men. He noticed that, while his parents were highly respected for their long, prestigious skating careers, some people tinged that respect with something akin to disgust. Suddenly, he understood that the figure skating he had loved his whole short life was something that would lead to his greatest fear: being seen as feminine, as less than a man, as someone who deserved scorn. His love for figure skating soured overnight, and he spent several days sulking in his room as his confused parents tried to puzzle out why Nikolai suddenly refused to accompany them to the rink that he loved.
It was Otousan who, on the third day, had knocked softly on his door, and quietly worked his way into Nikolai's confidence with his gentle voice and kind eyes. He had listened as Nikolai explained why he didn't want to be seen at the ice rink anymore, and smoothed his blonde hair as Nikolai cried bitter tears. When the boy had sniffled himself out, Otousan had asked Nikolai if he might be interested in hockey instead.
And thus, his new passion was born.
From that day on, Nikolai had thrown himself into the masculine sport. Otousan became his staunch supporter, signing him up for the best lessons money could buy in St. Petersburg, driving him to games and practice, finding a private coach when he showed talent for the sport. His papa never said much about the sudden switch, and always came to his games, but there were times when Nikolai saw a distinct look of something like sadness or disappointment flash across his icy eyes when he played.
Years passed, and Nikolai advanced quickly, gaining the notice of several junior talent scouts. Similarly, his resentment towards his papa grew more and more as he was met with his apparent disapproval. He even began to be angry with his otousan. After all, if it weren't for the two of them, Nikolai would never have been forced into this situation in the first place, would never have had to know and face the hatred of the world. His talent and his bitterness both grew steadily.
When he was 16, he was invited to join the SKA-1946 team of the Junior Hockey League. His parents were thrilled, and took him out to celebrate. His sister even took the night off from her new office job to join them, and they celebrated as a family. Nikolai was allowed to pick the restaurant, and, on a sudden impulse, he chose the same restaurant where, years ago, he had first become aware of his parents' homosexuality. Sitting at the table, he looked around at his family, and felt a tremulous sense of triumph. He was a hockey player now, officially recognized. He was a real man, one who could protect his family from the world, could keep the tears from Otousan's and Aki's eyes. He felt like he could conquer anything, and resolved that nothing would take this away from him.
Fate, however, had different ideas.