Emmett and Edward's moment of awkwardness and bromance

Ems POV

So this is how the story started. My Little brother Edward comes to me (well technically he's my older brother since he's been a vampire longer than I have, but I was 20 when I became a vampire so ha! I still pwn him!) But anyway back to my chaotic and kooky tale. I'm working out in the family garage, the underground part 'cause the top is for all our vehicles. Including my baby. My big red Jeep. I love that beauty as much as I do Rosalie. Well except I can't have sex with a Jeep. In it, on it, and around it but not with it. Believe me I would. and I'm doing my normal work out of 600 bench presses with a 500lb. weight.

And I've got my tunes goin' and everything. I thought for sure I was home alone after Carlisle told me everyone was going on a hunting trip without me since I had myself a Grizzly this morning. And I'm pumping iron jammin' to Theory of a Dead man's ''Bad Girlfriend'' it's a great song for sex and working out! Course sex is a workout but that's beyond the point.

And so then I see Edward bebop into the garage with a stressed look on his face. I thought to myself Oh crap Edo's having second thoughts about this whole wedding. Why can't anyone else be home when Edward wants' to talk about feelings and Bella and his love triangle problems. I can tell you right now me and Rose wouldn't be having any love triangle problems. Nobody better be after my woman or I'll go Grizzly on a Vamp ass! And come to think of it…Rose don't like talking about feelings either. Since she goes around pissy most of the time. Don't get me wrong I like my baby feisty but she's dern straight scary when she's mad.

Edward stands behind me looking at his feet with the same look all except for now he has a slight blush. Which perks my interest. ''Uh, hey. Emmett? Can I ask you something?'' I smirk and have a funny answer. ''No Edward, I will not be your baby fada.'' I laugh a little bit until he whines at me then I put down the weights I've been pumping for about three hours now wow new record! 1000! Go Emmett! Power of the Grizzly!

Then I sit up on my bench and pat my hand where I want him to sit. He complies and sits down with a sigh. I place my big sweaty muscular arm around his shoulder ''Now that I'm done tell me what's up little brother. You look like you're having second thoughts about your wedding. Did you and Bell's have a spat?'' He looks at my funny. ''No. No! God no! Th-That's not it at all. It's just well.'' Now he puts his head in his hands which look really sore for some reason. I don't wanna know. We sit there for a good 10 minutes then finally I've had it. ''Well Ed, I know we live forever. But I've always been real awful impatient so obviously it's not that important. Imma' go watch the Steelers game now so see ya!''

''No! Emmett please!'' He begs while grabbing my shirt. ''I need your help! I can't ask Carlisle because it's to awkward and Jasper would tell Alice and then shell give me hell and I just really need your guidance right now!'' If he's coming out of the closet so help me God.''Alright then. Just go ahead and tell me then. Wait! This isn't about'' I cringed ''feelings is it? Cause you know more than anybody in this whole family I'm the perv of the family. Okay. Just cause I can be a teddy bear at times I don't like feelings talks. Capish?'' so he nods and takes a deep breath then looks me dead in the eye.

''I.'' I nod. ''Can't.'' I nod again with an impatient look. ''Do this! It's to embarrassing!'' I turn around. ''Okay then! See ya Edo.'' ''No Emmett I need you!'' This is the part where I'm starting to get grumpy. ''Spit it out Edward! Damn!'' Edward gets a determined look on his face but he's still blushing. Wait a sec! We aren't supposed to be able to blush! Bella's turned my brother into a wussy! WTF?!? ''I need to know what to expect when me and Bella consummate our marriage!!!'' He screams out of nowhere. It was funny because his voice echoed throughout the garage. I look at him for a second.

Then I very maturely ask him: ''What does consummate mean?'' Then he had the nerve to look at me like I'm some kind of dumbass. Edward could be real mean sometimes he really could. ''Emmett….how do you of all people not know what consummate means? I mean you and Rose are like sex junkies or something.'' He said in disbelief. Then the light bulb turned on in my head. ''Oh you mean sex! Dern Edo why didn't you just say so? I know ALL about that!'' I said laughing at my pitiful younger brother. Well technically older but he felt to me like a little brother. He was so pure and innocent and decent. How could I not want to mess that up? He wasn't happy.

He looked like he was gonna cry if it were possible for a vampire to cry. ''Forget it! I'm sure I can find a book on it! Thanks a lot Emmett!'' he said turning around to storm off. Which he couldn't because I grabbed him in a chokehold preventing his escape so he could go sulk in his room. ''Now Edward you know I love you! And therefore I'm gonna help you. Because I'd hate to have to hear Rose talk about Bella telling her that she had to be the man in the bedroom on your honeymoon.''

I told him plain and simple giving him a wet peck on his temple, which he wiped off. ''So sit down.'' I threw him at the marble counter of the garage, which broke just a bit on the impact of his butt. ''Shut up.'' I sped over to him. ''And listen to what the sex guru has to tell you. And feel free to ask questions. But do realize I will more than likely laugh at them so be prepared for that.'' I snickered and he pouted so I gave him a playful slap on the arm that shoved him 8 feet away from where I had originally thrown him. I sat down on the counter and popped my neck then sat Indian style facing him.

''Okay then. So you wanna know how to do the deed.'' ''Stop!'' he screeched. What?''What's your dealio Eddy? You want my help or not?'' I asked him slightly huffy. ''Look Emmett. I know you and Rose are happily married and have a very strong, passionate, sex life.'' He whined. ''Aw gee thanks! You really think so? I mean it's a two way thing but personally I think Rose is the one who can't go 42 hours without some attention from papa bear.'' I boasted. ''Emmett McCarty Cullen!'' he screamed. ''What? Pardon me for enjoying one of life's most wonderful gifts. You'll probably be the same once you finally 'take the plunge'. Seriously though. I'm sure glad you met Bell's cause quite frankly, you being the only virgin in the house got really pathetic. My little brother's gonna finally get laid! I'm so proud!'' I wrapped him up in a bear hug. Then I felt an awful pain in my shoulder. I looked to see Edward knawing on it.

Oh. HALE NAW!!Then I drop kicked him in the junk while growling at him. ''What the hell Ed?!'' he then proceeded to get up in my bidness. ''Look. This is serious dammit! I love Bella more than life itself. And I would absolutely die if I ever hurt her. There fore I'm asking your help about this so I can officially claim her as my wife, without killing her. I wanted nothing more than to turn her before we did the most sacred act of making love but she chose otherwise and there are just some things I simply cannot argue with her about. I want to know how to do this and not kill her in the process. And how to control myself. And not destroy one of my mother's favorite houses.''

He was scaring me at this point. ''This is not some one night stand and she is not some common whore! She is my fiancé and the love of my eternal life! And I will treat her with every bit of care and respect in my being. Because this will make her happy and so long as she's happy so am I. And if you want to deny me that happiness then there shall be one less member of my family standing next to me at the altar. Is that clear?''

No need to have an aneurism Edward damn. ''Okay. Relax. I know how much this means to you.'' I said trying to soothe him. ''No you do not! If you did then you wouldn't use all these vulgar terms and pick on me. And another thing excuse me for saving myself for my other half! I wasn't lucky like you and got to marry the one I loved 3 months after I met her like you and Rose. And Rose was a vampire then so you didn't have to take the precautions I'll have to take and be as careful as I'll have to be.'' Aha! So you are jealous in some shape or form! Bwahahaha!

I gave him a serious look and took a long breath, which I didn't need. ''Okay Edward. Playtimes over let's get down to business. Are you done venting now?'' I asked tenderly placing my hand on his shoulder. ''Yes I believe I'm done.'' ''Well alrighty then. Let's get it started!'' We plopped down on the couch in the living room. ''Okay. So you wanna know everything there is to know about doing the-'' ''Emmett!'' ''Having sex.'' ''That's better.'' I sighed. ''Well first off the first few times is kinda awkward but very…what's the word I'm looking for….hmmm.'' I pondered for a minute. ''Exhilarating? Amazing? Mind blowing? Um…I don't know.''

He was trying to help he really was. ''Well think like when you fly solo but amp that like 1000 times better! Actually its toads better than solo.'' I laughed. But noticed he wasn't laughing. I thought for sure he'd agree. ''What do you mean by flying solo?'' Oh. My. God. Edward! You're a disgrace to virgins everywhere! I busted out laughing. Thinking he was joking. ''You know wanking?'' Silence. ''Floggin your log?'' More silence. ''Masturbating?''

He looked repulsed. ''Ew! That's wrong! Emmett! How can one commit such a carnally sinful act? And who comes up with all these disgusting terms?'' He squirmed. My jaw dropped in disbelief. ''Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You mean to tell me that you. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. In all the 76 years you've been alive well sort of. That you have never ever masturbated in any way shape or form?'' I asked.

''Yes that is true. I felt no desire to do so. I have never loved anybody before Bella. Therefore I've never had anyone to desire after and get me all hot and bothered. I was to convinced I was a monster to care about sexual needs.''

He said calmly but with a slightly flustered expression. It all made sense then. Why he was always such an emo kid. Why he was so stressed and tense. ''Oh! Poor Edward! C'mere buddy! I'll never make fun of you again! For you are far stronger than I! Being able to go that long! And not even doing it yourself! You are the sheer God of abstinence and purity!'' I held him in the tightest bear hug I could manage.

He pounded my back signaling me to release my vice grip. ''Okay now Edward. There's something you need to know.'' I said holding his hands. ''Holy merciful goodness your gay!'' he shrieked. It was then that Jasper walked in and froze after hearing the word gay. He looked at Edward and then stared at me. Then hung his head and said ''I feel sorry for whomever your humping Emm. You could kill somebody! Break their back. Not to mention the internal damage. I mean jeez. Your freakin ginormous! Stay straight! If anymore gays go missing in Forks people will start getting suspicious!''

He said plopping on the couch beside me. ''I. Am. Not. Gay! Rose would rip it off! What you talking bout? Jeez Jaz quit starting shit. And besides this is serious we need to teach Edward about sex.'' Jasper sighed. Then made the 'stick in the hole' motion with his hands. ''It's that simple.'' I then had to hold back Edward so the children didn't smack each other. ''Quit screwing around guys! And I have something important to say!''

''WHAT?!'' They screamed in unison. ''That's all the time we have for this chapter!''