Chained Together & Trying to Survive in a Hostile Climate!

"I'm fine. I'm Indiana Jones, looking for the Lost Ark, I'm-"

"Tony." She put as much menace into his name as she possibly could.

"I am Lawrence, and this is Arabia-"

"Shut. Up. Tony." He was on more dangerous ground than he understood.

"I'm the Genie, getting ready to take Aladdin on a magic carpet ride, I-"

She had warned him. She yanked hard on the handcuffs chaining her right wrist to his left. Having knocked him slightly off balance, she finished the job by swiping her leg behind his knee. He went down, and she followed, landing on top of him with thud. For a blessed moment he was breathless and silent, and she took advantage, straddling him and pinning his hands.

"Listen to me very carefully. You will shut up. You will not mention another movie. If you do, I will be the man in 127 Hours, and I will think nothing of sawing off your arm to save myself."

"You saw that movie? When? I never saw it. Did you go without me? I'm hurt, Ziva. I thought movies were our thing."

She pulled a fist, and he had the gall to grin.

"I'd think twice before landing that punch, Princess Jasmine. If you injure me, you're going to be the one who has to drag me through the canyons. I mean, unless you have a bone saw hidden somewhere in those tight jeans of yours. They're great jeans, by the way."

She stood abruptly, pulling again on the cuffs and dragging her idiot partner up with her. He was right, and she would have to be conciliatory. "Just try not to be useless, Tony. And please, stop with the movies."

But she knew her cause was lost when she saw the familiar glint in his green eyes. "If I don't, will you tackle me again?"

oOo

He was still talking, but Ziva had years of experience. She was able to tune him out. He was going on about the probability of the scorpions and snakes being underground this time of year, and she was trying to keep her mind off just how badly she needed to pee.

She had already assessed their situation half a hundred times, but she did so once again, just in case.

Supplies- None. Unless you counted Tony's Green Tea and Jasmine lip balm, which she did not.

Familiar Landmarks- None. Red cliffs and tumbleweeds as far as she could see. Tony had started naming the rocks they passed after cartoon characters they resembled, and she supposed she should not discount his method entirely. At least she would know they were walking in circles if they passed Elmer Fudd again.

Food Sources- None obvious. She had some ideas, but she did not look forward to sharing them with her partner. Better to starve, at least for a little while.

Water Sources- None, but it was February and nights in the canyons were cold. They could hope for frost in the morning, if they were lucky. If they were not, there would be snow...and hypothermia.

Threats- Freezing to death, dehydration, starving to death...maybe coyotes? And the possibility that they would turn on each other before it ever came to any of those other things. She was a realist.

Likelihood of Rescue- Negligible. Their failure to check in would surely have been noticed by now, but even if Gibbs knew to look for them in the canyon lands of Utah, or Arizona, or wherever they were, they would still be tiny needles inexplicably hidden in a huge haystack.

She felt desperation begin to choke her, but her father's words from when she was a very little girl returned to her. "Fear does more damage than bombs."

She took a minute to imagine...again...what she would do to the bastards who dumped them here once she caught them. Buoyed by dreams of revenge, she held her arm out straight and began counting the hand widths from the horizon to the sun.

"Do I even want to know what you're doing?"

"Figuring out how many hours of daylight we have left."

"And I was just wishing I'd been stuck out here with Weeblos McWilderness. What's the verdict?"

"Not many. The temperature will drop. We will need a fire."

"I don't suppose you have flint, or, better yet, some matches?"

She shook her head.

"Okay...well," he surveyed the landscape, "at least there's no shortage of dry wood. Let's start gathering."

"In a moment." She could not believe she was going to have to do this.

"In a moment? Oh, I'm sorry, do you want to stop to take in the majesty of our surroundings? Are you fucking kidding me, Ziva? Do you know how long it's going to take us to start a fire using wood and sticks? We don't have a moment." He tried to storm off, but she stood firm, causing the cuffs to bite into both their wrists.

She gritted her teeth. There was no getting around it, so she would just have to say it. "In a moment. First, we will stay here by these shrubs, because I have to pee."

She watched him go very, very still.

"You have to pee?"

"Yes, it is a normal bodily function, and I can no longer...hold it."

His eyes crinkled first, then the grin began to spread.

"You are such a child, Tony."

He responded with laughter. "What are you waiting for? Go ahead, Tinkles."

"Turn around."

He continued to laugh, but did as she said. She removed her pants, trying her best to keep his cuffed hand away from her body. This was one of those times she cursed being born a woman. She stumbled a bit and while Tony didn't turn around, he did laugh harder.

"I would stop the laughing if I were you. That is, if you do not want harm coming to your shoes. Are those Italian leather?"

"You wouldn't."

"I absolutely would." She grinned in victory as that shut him up.

oOo

She almost cried when she saw the first spark. She pretended otherwise, but she had very little faith that they would be able to do it. It had been years since her survival training, and Tony was many things, but a camper was not one of them. They fed the sparks until they became flame, then sat back to enjoy their accomplishment. Tony began rubbing at his wrist, and she felt guilty about the number of times she'd jerked him around. She expected him to cut back with words, but he surprised her by staying quiet.

The sun had already fled the sky, and it was getting cold. She was dressed for Vegas, not for canyons. She moved closer to the fire and to her partner. This was no time for pride. He did not comment on that either, just huddled as close to her as he could.

After a while, Tony inevitably broke the silence. "Don't suppose you can think of anything we could roast over this fire?"

He already knew the answer, but she said it anyway. "No. We will have more time tomorrow. We will find food then."

"Or maybe Gibbs will show up. With a pizza."

She laughed. She hoped.

He was looking up at the sky, laughing his own harsh laugh, considering some irony he didn't want to share.

She fell back onto the cool sand. "We should sleep. We will figure everything out tomorrow."

He didn't answer, just fell back beside her. They lay there peacefully for a while, shoulder to shoulder.

Just as she was drifting off, he whispered, "Hey, Ziva?"

"Hmm?"

"Sorry my plan didn't work."

"It was a good plan, there were just too many men."

He was so close she could feel him smile. "You got in a good kick to that first guy's crotch."

It had been a good kick. She hoped it haunted him all the way back to Vegas.

"Hey, Ziva?" He whispered again.

"What, Tony?"

"Want a bite of my lip balm?"

And the sad thing was, she really, really did.

oOo

She awoke to someone trying to remove her arm from its socket. Tony. She kneed him hard in the side.

"Ow!"

"You were pulling on my arm."

"I forgot you were there."

She made a face. "Turn your head away from me. I had forgotten how badly your breath smells in the morning."

"Well, you're not exactly all minty fresh yourself."

He was quiet for a moment, and she imagined that, like her, he was trying to once again make peace with the reality of their current situation. In the silence she realized how cold she was. She tried to suppress her shivers. When he was not talking, she could hear that Tony was wheezing. She did not like that at all.

"Water."

"Huh?" She had been watching the rise and fall of his chest, trying to monitor his breathing.

He nodded to a stone formation on their left. "There's frost, and I bet it's condensed in some of those cracks. We should drink while we can."

They lapped desperately at the water until she said what he had to be thinking. "It will not be enough." She did not believe their circumstances were hopeless, but she knew the key to survival would be finding water.

"Our best chance of finding water would probably be to hike down the canyon and hope for a stream."

She nodded.

"Of course, there's the possibility that there won't be a stream and that once we get down there, we might not be able to climb back up."

That was a possibility, but not one on which she thought they should dwell. "You are just worrying about those precious shoes."

"They weren't cheap, Ziva," he answered with a grin.

oOo

"Stop." They were lucky- there was a passable trail to the bottom of the canyon. It was dusty, though, and she had not been able to forget the sound of his wheezing from earlier. She found the memory distracting.

"Ziva, what the hell? Do you have any idea how much this shirt cost?"

She didn't bother with an answer, just took the sleeve she had ripped from his arm and tore it in half, then tied it loosely over his nose and mouth.

"There is too much dust, and your lungs are bad."

He flipped up his makeshift veil. "You worried about me, Z? That's sweet."

She kept her eyes straight ahead. "As of now, you are only figuratively dead weight. Unless I want to attract coyotes, it is in my best interest to keep it that way."

oOo

Tony was sunburnt. So was she, but unlike her partner, she did not feel the need to say so every twenty seconds. She wanted him silent, both because his blathering was annoying and because when he was silent, she could better assess his breathing. But, inane chatter was Tony's best defense against despair, so she could not quite bring herself to make him stop. Instead she found herself straddling the familiar line between wanting him dead and being desperately afraid that something could happen to him.

Tony moved on from sunburns and started talking about blisters. She worried her bottom lip. Sunburns and blisters and eating lip balm would not kill them. Dehydration would. We really could die here. It seemed so brutally unfair. It seemed exactly like something that would happen to her.

She was beginning to seriously consider giving in to panic when she saw it. A stream, just as they hoped. Inwardly, she thumbed her nose at the shadow of death that always seemed to follow her. Not today. She pictured her constant companion falling a little farther behind.

"Well, it's water. A little scummy, though. We're going to need to filter it before drinking."

She agreed, so she turned a ripped the other sleeve off his shirt. "We can use this."

"I think it's time we started ripping at your clothes."

"I would not do that, unless you want me to boil those gorgeous leather shoes for dinner."

oOo

"Do not be a baby."

"I'm not being a baby. I'm simply being appropriately horrified."

"The hair will singe off and it will be fine." Truthfully, she could not believe those words had just come out of her mouth. The hair will singe off and it will be fine? Still, she had to set the example.

"I can't believe there was a time when I ever thought you were hot." The look he gave her was full of newfound revulsion.

"Be grateful we caught a squirrel instead of rat."

"From where I sit, I can't see how it would've been so different."

"Oh, it would be different. Beadier eyes. Slimier tail."

"I would've eaten my shoes first."

"Tomorrow is a new day. You might still get the chance."

oOo

She awoke wrapped around him, but she decided it was forgivable since it was cold at the bottom of the canyon and she had rendered Tony's Prada shirt sleeveless. She gently rolled off of him, but when she sat up and looked over, she noticed that there was no reassuring rise and fall of his chest.

"Tony?"

She got no response, so she jerked hard on the cuffs. "Tony?"

Still nothing, and that's when the panic set in. Pressing her fingers to his neck, she nearly cried in relief when she felt a pulse. A pulse meant hope.

Instantly, she was straddling him, tilting his head to clear the airway. Her mouth was inches from him when she was hit with a blast of his breath. Then, his eyes were open, and he was laughing at her.

"And how do you like my breath this morning?"

She said nothing, just sat back on his thighs while her hands shook in relief.

"You should see your face. Ziva?... Come on, where's the threat of violence I've come to expect from you?"

"You should not have done that." But her voice sounded shaky, not menacing, even to her own ears. She had become soft. Weak.

"The old Ziva would've punched me for that."

The old Ziva would have slit your throat long ago."

He nudged her and leapt to his feet, pulling her up too. "Kinda seems like the new Ziva enjoys having me around."

oOo

The new Ziva wanted to go home. She had not forgiven Tony for the morning, and she was starting to wonder if she might be able to slide off her cuff if she started breaking the bones in her hand. She was tired of scummy water and juniper berries and walking. The thought of roasting another rodent made her stomach turn. She wondered what her father would think if he could see her now. He would be disappointed, no doubt. He would want to know what had happened to the little soldier he had trained, what had become of the girl who relished any opportunity to fight for survival.

Fuck her father. She had already done her time in the desert.

She made a silent vow never again to accept an assignment west of the Mississippi River.

"It was just a joke, Ziva."

"And just like all of your jokes, it was not funny."

"I didn't think you'd actually fall for it. You never would have gotten this upset before."

"Things are not what they were before. And friends do not play those kinds of pranks on friends."

"Are you saying you're my friend? Or did your date just cancel?"

His attempt at lightening the tension took her back, and she would give anything to be in the familiar squad room with a bag of popcorn and a movie. "I am saying that you exhaust me, Tony DiNozzo."

He stopped suddenly and turned her to face him. "Sometimes I'm an idiot. Forgive me?"

"No more pranks?"

He held up two fingers. "Weeblos honor."

That made her laugh, and she saw the genuine relief in his eyes.

oOo

"Hey, did you hear that?"

They had been silently following the small canyon stream, enjoying a tacit truce. The sun was beginning to set, and the dread of another night in the desert was upon her. At first, she thought that the same dread was making Tony hear things.

But then she heard it too. "A truck."

They began running with an energy they didn't know they had toward the sound. And it was their lucky day, because the truck was heading toward them. She stopped short of hugging Tony in relief. He had never had her self-control, so she was not entirely surprised when he grabbed her cheeks and gave her a sloppy kiss on the lips.

When it came to kisses, she had experienced worse.

oOo

Riding in the bed of a truck along canyon roads was making her sick. Their rescuers had been peculiar and reluctant, but Tony was finally in his element and had talked the driver into a ride to Canyon National Park. From there, they could find the rangers and call their boss.

They were on their way home.

"I do not see why they would not take us back to their home to call Gibbs. You explained that we are federal agents. You even showed them your badge."

"I already explained this. They're Mormons, Ziva."

"As ridiculous an explanation as it was before. They are clearly not mythical sea creatures. Time travelers, I would almost believe, though."

A bark of laughter was his answer. "I said Mormon. Not mermen. God, Ziva. And not regular Mormons, either. Fundamentalists. The kind who live on compounds and have multiple wives...which was why they weren't exactly thrilled to stumble upon a couple of federal agents."

"Oh." That did make more sense than mermen. Hunger was obviously getting to her. "Well, it is nice of them to give us a ride, then."

"Just be careful not to be too friendly. The driver was eyeing you as you climbed in the back of the truck. I can only guess that he was imagining how sexy you'd be in one of those Little House on the Prairie dresses."

oOo

For the first time in far too long, she awoke comfortable, in a bed, without a gnawing hunger or a talkative partner chained to her side. She had been fed, hydrated and given ointments for blisters and sunburn. The rangers had gotten them to Salt Lake City and NCIS had put them up in a hotel and booked them on the next flight home.

Even better, the suspects who'd gotten the hop on them and dumped them in the desert had been apprehended and were currently being questioned by Leroy Jethro Gibbs. She smiled into her pillow, just thinking about it.

Tony was waiting for her in the lobby.

"Miss me last night, Tinkles?"

"Tony, if that nickname makes an appearance in D.C., I will remove your tongue. Slowly and painfully."

He tsk'd said tongue. "The new Ziva should know better than to say something like that. Friends don't threaten friends with bodily harm."

She slowly invaded his space, not stopping until they were nose to nose. She smiled her most dangerous smile and brushed her finger over his lips. "It would not be wise to believe that there is none of the old mixed in with the new."

She had the satisfaction of seeing him swallow hard as she stepped back. And just to keep him off balance she linked her arm through his and smiled a much more genuine smile.

"Let us go home."