Alone
It was what Blaine feared more than anything. The very thought of it made him feel sick with dread, choking him with terror.
He didn't want to be alone. He couldn't bear it.
The need for affection – to love, and to be loved – had been a part of him from the beginning. But he never really worried that he wouldn't have his own happily ever after until the day he realised he didn't want to find a princess; he wanted his very own Prince Charming.
He was painfully conscious of the fact that there were no other boys like him in his primary school, so he kept this new awakening a secret, even as fear began to creep into his heart. When he finally came out to his parents and felt them pull away, his nightmare began to become his reality. It didn't help when Blaine overheard his mother bemoaning that her youngest was never going to get married or give her any grandchildren.
He became a bit of an attention seeker and took up performing, figuring that if he couldn't find the love of his life he could at least earn the love of his audiences. It did not fill the hole inside him, but he pretended that it did.
Blaine didn't realise that he had resigned himself to his fate and built walls around his heart until a boy with a stunning voice and an even more incredible personality brought those walls crashing down with one beautiful, heart-felt song.
It turned out that the person Blaine had been looking for was Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, and he had found him at last.
Blaine had never been happier. He had never even imagined that he could ever feel this happy, but he had Kurt and now everything was right and bright and beautiful in his world. It did not take him long to work out that Kurt was his soul mate, and Blaine felt indescribable joy at the knowledge that he wasn't alone anymore. If everything went right, and he was sure it would, then he would never be alone again. He was going to love this boy for every day of his life and they were going to grow old together.
It was as though a huge burden had been lifted from him. The fear was gone.
But it came back.
Because inasmuch as Blaine believed that he had found his Prince Charming, life was not a fairy tale.
Kurt entered into his Senior year of high school and as the end of the year grew closer and closer an old, familiar dread began to creep over Blaine. Kurt was leaving. He was going to go to New York, and Blaine was going to be left behind. He tried not to let it bother him, tried to remember that it was only temporary, but to a young teenage boy desperately in love and desperately afraid of being alone, it was going to feel like an eternity.
Blaine began to distance himself emotionally, as if that could make the transition easier, but it very nearly broke them. Frantic, Blaine burst his heart wide open again, and it hurt so much but he was unable to do anything but forgive Kurt. It had been a mistake, and it had not gone any further than flirty texting and Kurt had expressed genuine regret. Blaine didn't think he would do it again; it seemed he needed Blaine in his life just as much as Blaine needed him.
They were okay for a while, but the fear lingered despite Kurt's reassurances that Blaine was not going to lose him.
Blaine did the brave thing. When Kurt didn't get accepted into NYADA he could have selfishly rejoiced at the chance to keep him around, but he saw that staying in Lima was slowly killing Kurt, so instead he encouraged his boyfriend to chase his dreams. He couldn't bring himself to see him off at the airport, though, because he knew he would break down and beg Kurt not to leave him. He preferred to sob his heart out in the privacy of his own bedroom, and present a mask of composure to the rest of the world.
They called, they texted and they Skyped each other, but it wasn't the same. Blaine missed him so much it was like a physical ache that just worsened with every passing day. He had grown accustomed to having Kurt by his side, to being able to cuddle and kiss him, to spending every spare moment together, and he couldn't help but feel so so alone now that Kurt was gone.
He tried to distract himself by filling his days with as many activities as he could, but everything just reminded him of Kurt and he felt his absence more keenly still. It was tearing him apart.
He was upset, he was angry, he was bitter… He was lonely. He hated this. He was starved of affection, and he would do almost anything to stop feeling so damn alone.
The attention from Eli was unwanted at first. Then it was flattering. Then it became something he looked forward to.
And then, one day, Blaine went looking for it himself.
He thought it could make him feel better, stave off the loneliness, make him feel connected to another person and not so alone in the world.
It wasn't Kurt, though. It wasn't sweet and it wasn't romantic and it didn't mean anything and it couldn't make him feel better because it wasn't Kurt, and – oh god, he had cheated.
He stumbled home and spent the rest of the night vomiting up his guts, shaking with horror and revulsion and absolute terror.
The next morning he hopped straight on a plane. It was no longer a matter of simply wanting to see Kurt – he had to see Kurt. There was no option; the need was all-consuming, all-encompassing. He didn't care about costs or consequences, he just had to see Kurt.
So he knocked on the door, and Kurt opened it, and his face lit up with pure joy at the sight of him.
The mixture of guilt and grief slammed into Blaine with the brutal force of a tidal wave.
Kurt knew something was wrong. Of course he knew; Kurt knew him better than anyone else in the world did, and his gentle, loving concern felt like a knife stabbing into Blaine's heart.
He confessed, and it killed him. Because Kurt cried, and Blaine hated it when he was hurting, but this time Blaine had hurt him and he couldn't fix it, he couldn't comfort him, he couldn't say or do anything that could possibly make this right.
He knew he couldn't stay there, knew he wasn't welcome, so he left.
Kurt wouldn't answer his texts, or his calls. He didn't come on Skype or on Facebook. Blaine kept trying and hoped that, in time, Kurt would contact him and give him the chance to apologise. But he didn't.
And only then did Blaine know what it was like to be truly alone.
Kurt had been the love of his life. His soul mate. The meaning of his existence, the reason for his smile. The person he would marry and grow old with and love until his dying breath. Kurt was everything.
But Kurt was gone.
Blaine had thought a year without him would be too much to bear, but suddenly he was facing an entire future without Kurt's smile, his soft flawless skin, his sparkling eyes, his beautiful voice, his passion, his fashion sense, his strength, his adorable bed hair… an entire future without his love.
Blaine had ruined everything. Kurt was all he had ever needed or wanted, but now he was gone and no one could ever replace him.
Blaine was going to be alone forever. And the worst part was, he knew he deserved it. For all his fears and worrying, he had brought this on himself.
End