Hey y'all! I know I usually don't write a lot of slash, but i wanted to write something for Kogan because I really love that ship too and wanted show them some love as well. This is a very interesting song-fic one-shot that relates particularly with the hazards of drinking and driving. For anyone who feels uncomfortable with that subject and subjects about suicide, I much advise you not to read. Bear in mind that DUI is very illegal and very dangerous. I do not ever condone or advise others to participate in it ever. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it. The song is called Invincible by Jesse McCartney, check it out if you don't know it. Also follow my very new story blog on tumblr: worries-and-our-stories -xoxo Tak
I said don't do it babe
Said it ain't worth it babe
But you did it anyway
Four or five drinks and you were on your way
Partying was Kendall's favorite past time activity, any kind of party at any time of the day. He knew all the places where the best ones were held. At any given time, he'd round up his three best friends and they'd all attend the latest party.
James and Carlos also shared Kendall's love for parties. They felt like they were the kings of parties. Every year they'd hold the biggest bashes of all time, giving Kendall even more of a reason to be their friend. Logan on the other hand wasn't huge on partying. He'd much rather stay home with his best friends than be out with a large group of strangers, where he'd most likely end up lost and unable to find any of them until the end.
With every party they attended came the drinking factor, which Logan wasn't against but also wasn't a fan of. The other three boys drank to their heart's content, but Logan barely could down half a cup. He hated the way the alcohol messed with his mind and hazed his thoughts. Being the smart, it was expected for him to want to steer clear of any sort of thing that interfered with his brain. He wished his friends too would limit themselves on drinking. He was tired of having to be the responsible one and having to cleverly conceal the pungent smell of alcohol from their parents. They were after all under the age.
What bothered Logan the most though was the way each of his friends behaved. James was his typical self mostly, flirting with girls, trying to score, but he came on strong, not caring if he hurt someone in the process. Carlos was reckless, more reckless than usual. He'd do too many insane stunts, fulfill every little dare he was challenged to, and hurt himself in the process. The worst of them all was Kendall though.
Logan usually admired the blond boys invincibility and out going attitude, but not when he was hammered. To Logan, Kendall was rude, crude, and an over all asshole when he was buzzed. Everyone knew that Logan had a small crush on the bushy-browed boy. Kendall was aware of it as well. He thought it was cute, and would at times feel himself reciprocating those feelings, though he'd never dare to admit it out loud. But when Kendall was drunk enough, he'd flirt with the brunette boy, saying things he knew would get Logan blushing like mad. At first Logan felt enamored, but when he discovered it was the cause of the booze and not Kendall's own heart, he was hurt. He wanted nothing more than to have Kendall love him and feel the way he felt, but to have him forget it and deny it when sober wasn't worth it.
Every time Logan went to a party, he tried to avoid drunken Kendall. He'd find a place to sit and wait for it to end so he could safely take his friends home, which was until that one night…
September 1st, 2003
It took the life right out of me
After three nights straight of parties, Logan got fed up with the normal routine. He felt his time being wasted as much as his friends were. He was ready to leave, but first he needed to make sure that the guys would be able to find a sober ride home.
He searched for James, not wanting to have to cross paths with Kendall, but was forced to confront him when Kendall found him.
"Logie!" Kendall slurred, grabbing his best friend's arm.
"Hey Kendall, I'm going to head home." Logan shouted over the loud music.
"What? But we just got here Logie!" Kendall argued. "I don't want to leave right now!"
"I know, that's why you guys can stay, I'll just go alone." Logan said. "I just wanted to make sure you guys find a ride home."
"But Logie, you can't just leave the party. Or us. Or me. I need you here." Kendall said flirtatiously, pulling Logan in closer to him.
Logan stepped back, trying to break free of Kendall's grip. "You'll be fine with out me." Logan replied bitterly. "You all will as long as you get someone sober to take you home."
Kendall pulled Logan back and pouted. "Logie, don't be like that."
"Kendall, I really want to leave, I'm sorry." Logan apologized.
Kendall didn't give Logan another chance to break free before he swooped in and lay his lips messily on Logan's, kissing the boy. Logan furiously swatted Kendall away, tears forming in his eyes.
"I thought you wanted me to do that?" Kendall asked, confused and slightly hurt.
"Not like this. Never like this." Logan thought to himself. He was trying to hold his pain back.
"Why would I?" Logan said harshly.
Kendall looked down. He didn't understand. He knew that Logan liked him, a lot, but why was he all of a sudden acting like he didn't?
"I gotta go." Logan said, his voice ready to give out. He walked away from Kendall and rushed out of the house door. Once he was in his car, tears rolled down his face faster than hurricane rain. He didn't want his first kiss with Kendall to be one Kendall would forget and Logan would want to forget. It was as if the only way Kendall could ever like him back was if he had four or five drinks. Logan was angry with Kendall for being like this and never wanting Logan with a sober heart.
Logan drove, wanting to get far far away from the party, the alcohol, and the drunken Kendall. The further he drove, the heavier his heart began to feel. There was something wrong, but it wasn't what had just happened. Logan got home and called James immediately to relay the same message he had given Kendall earlier. James understood and told Logan not to worry, saying they'd be fine. Even after James' reassurance, the feeling hung over Logan still.
On the other line, Logan heard James shouting at someone to stop and wait. Logan was confused. "Is everything okay?"
"Logan, I'll call you back, Kendall just left the party."
"What do you mean left?" Logan asked with a tone of urgency, but James had already ended the call. Logan waited a few minutes to get a call back from James, telling him that everything was good and that they found a safe ride home, but the call he had gotten next didn't hold such news.
Hung up the phone
Raced out the door
Broken
"Logan?" Kendall's voice trembled through the phone. "I'm-I'm sorry. I sh-shouldn't have kissed you."
"Kendall where are you?" Logan asked franticly.
"I'm driving home. B-being there without y-you doesn't feel right." Kendall hiccupped
"Don't move! I'm coming to get you." Logan ordered, scared.
"I had to leave." Kendall cried.
"Kendall, I mean it, don't go, you're not well enough to drive. I'm coming." Logan tried to get Kendall to stop.
"I'll be fine, I'll see you in a bit." Kendall chuckled half-heartedly. "And Logie, I just want you to know that I lov-"
There was a loud crash and a painful scream. Logan's eyes went wide in pure fear. He could hear sounds of other cars honking loudly emanating from the phone.
"Kendall!" Logan shouted into the phone, but the line was dead. Logan was panicking now. He tried to call Kendall again, in case it was an accident, but no answer. He rushed out of his room and out the door, into his car. He had to get to Kendall fast. Terrible thoughts crossed his mind. He prayed that this wasn't happening.
Tried to believe that it wasn't true
But in my heart I always knew
That being the life of the party would catch up to you
Logan's eyes searched every car on the straightaway, hoping to catch a sight of the blond boy perfectly all right. The closer he got to the road heading away from the party, the less cars came zooming down. His heart felt heavy again. The air around him thickened and the silence was ominous. Then he saw it, a parade of flashing lights and a crowd of distressed people surrounding the freshly crushed black sports car of one Kendall Knight.
Logan's heart rate sped up while his car slowed down. He pulled over to the side and ran out to the car, pushing away people and police to get to his friend.
"KENDALL!" He called out; wanting to hear his best friend reply that everything was fine, but as soon as he arrived on the scene, he knew it was too much to want.
The damage to the car was definitely irreversible. There was no possible way anyone could have survived such a crash. The whole car was flipped. The hood was crumpled in and the roof was bent in. Paramedics were looking into the car, trying to salvage the driver, who Logan still hoped wasn't Kendall, but hope wasn't his friend, not today.
One of the paramedics shouted at the others to come quick because the driver was still alive, just in a very compromised position. A few paramedics ran over to help the other one immediately. They were examining the damage, trying to figure out how to get to the unconscious body inside the vehicle. Two of the paramedics ran back to the fire truck and grabbed a large industrial cutter, as it seemed.
Logan's eyes, full of hot tears, watched as the group tear open the car and rescue Kendall's corpse-like body. They had put him on a long board, and were examining his damage, while one of them put an oxygen mask on Kendall's mouth immediately.
Logan watched them do their job, screaming and crying for Kendall to wake up and be okay. He was struggling to get to him, but the cops wouldn't let him, trying to calm him down and away from the wreckage.
"Your friend is still alive young man, you must remain calm." One of the female officers tried to calm him down.
"We need you to help us identify the driver, if you please." Another officer instructed.
Logan's ears went deaf to them. He didn't care about anything but Kendall. If Kendall wasn't okay, he didn't know what he'd do. He felt so helpless. He couldn't do anything to help his friend. His face was soaked, his limbs were weak, and his face was as pale as white paint. He was ready to collapse in some awful defeat as if he were at war.
After he watched them take Kendall away in an ambulance, Logan told the officers the information they needed. They alerted Kendall's family and allowed Logan to go to the hospital to see him, but Logan couldn't bring himself to drive. One of the officers, the same one who tried to calm him earlier, offered to drive him there, concerned for him and what he was to discover next.
Your family was waiting and crying for three damn hours
Hospitals were Logan's least favorite place in the world. Despite his dreams of becoming a doctor, whenever he stepped through those automatic sliding doors, he could sense the anguish and desperation of the patients and visitors. It felt like death was on every corner, waiting for its next victim, to snatch him or her up and leave their families and loved ones with no more hope. But that's also why he wanted to be a doctor; to keep even the smallest glimpse of hope alive and help it become real.
Yet his hope and his faith were running dry. The hospital picked and tore at his every feeling, trying to further his worry. He ran into the lobby as quick as he could. He demanded to know where Kendall was, but the nurses told him that he had to calm down and wait or otherwise leave because his hysteric behavior was disturbing others. He took their advice with a grain of salt and waited.
Twenty minutes after Logan's arrival, Mrs. Knight and Katie arrived with Logan's mom with them. They all looked distraught, especially Kendall's mom. She was crying quietly as Mrs. Mitchel tried to talk to the nurses for more information. They sat down next to Logan in the lobby. They were all now waiting for the verdict.
Logan wrapped his arms around Katie, who was only twelve at the time. She was taking it harder than any of them, but kept her resolve longer than any of them. Logan didn't want her to think she was alone. He let her cry in his arms until she was too tired and fell asleep.
Each minute was like torture for them all. With every second passing, another freshly fallen teardrop rolled down their faces. There was nothing left to do anymore but wait and wait and wait.
I said don't do it babe
Said it ain't worth it babe
But you did it anyway
Four or five drinks and you were on your way
"You couldn't have just listened to me?" Logan reprimanded Kendall in his head. "I even told you not to do it. I was even going to fucking pick you up!"
He knew one day that this was going to end badly: all this partying and drinking. Yet he never did stop his friends before, even though he should have.
"But why did he do it? He knew better. Was it because of me?" Logan didn't understand. Kendall didn't like him like that. It was only the alcohol in his system that would flirt with him relentlessly. Then again… Kendall was about to say something before the crash. "No," Logan thought. "He was still just drunk."
Logan couldn't stand the painstaking waiting. He had enough and just wanted answers from either the doctor or Kendall himself.
Everything's cool on the straightaway
But you took that turn doing eighty-five in a thirty-five
Why babe?
The doctor and police officers came out to finally discuss the actual incident with Logan and Mrs. Knight. They told them that the Kendall had been speeding excessively along with being under the influence. They were unsure, but they strongly believed Kendall had meant to crash the car, considering the straightaway wasn't know for car accidents, but they couldn't possibly confirm it until forensics were in.
Logan felt terrible. He felt like everything was his fault. Apart from calling Kendall on the phone while had been driving, he sensed his harsh conduct after their kiss had caused the blond boy a lot of pain as well. He felt tears sting his eyes, but he fought to keep them back. If only he could talk to Kendall to figure out why he tried to kill himself like this.
Every time I'm home I pass that road
Driving alone and the street feels cold
Seeing your face yeah it's haunting me
Four years later and he still had trouble driving near that highway. In Logan's mind, it was just another reminder of his losses. Ever since Kendall's accident, Logan felt shattered. He spent that first year grieving his best friend's death. That second year was spent trying to figure out why it happened. That third was used to discover what Logan did not know about Kendall, and there was a lot he didn't know, including Kendall's own secret desire for Logan. Now he spent his days mourning his first love and how much he regretted denying him before he slipped away forever.
Every second he was driving made him feel numb. Kendall's last words echoed in his ears and he couldn't help but to tear up. The face of the dirty blond boy he had known and loved was permanently etched into his memory. If he even tried to close his eyes while near there, he'd see Kendall's injured face, haunting him, reminding him that he was too late. Too late to save him. Too late to apologize. Too late to tell him he loved him still.
My mind goes crazy tryin' to figure out
Just where you would be four years from now
And what you were thinking when the lights came down
Everyday, Logan would stop to think what would their lives been like if Kendall hadn't crashed. He would like to pretend that they'd have gotten together, fallen deeper in love, and maybe even have gotten married. But who was he kidding? If Kendall hadn't crashed, he'd have still kept his want for Logan hidden. He'd have denied the kiss and went on with his regular partying self.
He would try to convince himself that there would come a time when Kendall would have changed his ways for the sake of Logan, but it was too much to think about and only drove Logan mad and depressed. Though at times he'd also wonder if Kendall had been thinking about him before the crash and telling Logan the truth. It wasn't impossible, considering Kendall's last words weren't completed and were intended for Logan.
God, he just wished he knew more. There were too many things left unanswered and Logan's imagination only came up with the most painstaking answers. But what made him feel worse was that there were moments when they could have been answered, if they had gotten more time.
Doctors were trying to save you for three damn hours
The last few moments of Kendall's life were the three worst hours of Logan's life. He had been able to watch his best friend's bloody, mangled body, but when it came to having to say good-bye, Logan couldn't. What was he to say? What was he to do? He was about to lose the only boy he ever loved and was expected to have only a few minutes to say his final good-bye. He had begged and pleaded with the doctors to do anything to rescue him. He was ready to give up his life savings if it meant he'd save his best friend's life. But even they saw no hope in the cause, though they did do all that they could to try and revive Kendall. In the end, Logan had to hold his best friend's hand as the monitors beeped the low, droning note and Kendall's heart rate flat lined. Then he was gone. Forever.
I said don't do it babe
Said it ain't worth it babe
But you did it anyway
Four or five drinks and you were on your way
Everything's cool on the straightaway
But you took that turn doing eighty-five in a thirty-five
Why babe?
Nothing felt worse than when Logan felt the warmth being sucked out and away from Kendall's body in that last second. It was as if Death himself had personally sucked it away. It was eerie beyond belief. Logan had squeezed the lifeless hand one last time, hoping to recapture its heat and bring everything back to life, but everything was too late. He was left there thinking to himself, over and over again, "why?"
Who ever said that life was fair
When you live without a care
When you're invincible
When you're invincible
When you're invincible
Tears still washed over his face when he saw anything that related to Kendall. Closing his eyes only to visualize Kendall's green ones staring back permanently made Logan miss him. So much left to say, so much lost, all in so little time. Things could have been different if Kendall had cared. If he had only kept alert and listened to Logan. If he only hadn't let his pride get away of his feelings, then maybe none of it would have ever needed to happen. It was an injustice to them both, to them all. But Kendall always was stubborn. He always seemed to be indestructible in his own mind.
Who thinks about leaving when you're livin'
Logan's life continued the same, but he always knew there would be a hole in his heart and burden on his shoulders forever. Not a moment would go by when his heart sank and he'd think about Kendall. No one, especially not Logan, would have ever believed that Kendall of all people would go so soon. Though no one ever thinks that those who are just starting to live would ever have to leave; certainly not those that have to live on without them.
I said don't do it babe
Said it ain't worth it babe
But you did it anyway
Four or five drinks and you were on your way
Everything's cool on the straightaway
But you took that turn doing eighty-five in a thirty-five
Why babe?