A/N: Hello, and thank you for reading! Sasuhina, right? A good rarepair, I think. This fic is NSFW for adult situations. I do hope you enjoy it :).
Frozen leaves crunched under her feet. It was the first true winter Konohagakure had seen and Hinata liked the way the snowfall glittered the river and the biting chill that flushed her cheeks. All around her, fingers laced together, and children made games with white slush. The only thing about winter she didn't like was how it amplified the hollow part of her heart, the part still reserved for Sasuke, the part she was so close to losing hope in ever feeling warmth again.
Correspondence between them had dried up for almost a year. Kakashi hinted that Sasuke was deep undercover, just a casual mention that wouldn't corrupt the level of secrecy Sasuke needed to be successful, but Naruto and Sakura's downcast faces and forced smiles confirmed it. Sasuke was lost to them until the mission was done, and it'd been so long, her nightmares told her the day would never come. Only a part of him would return. Perhaps his sword or his sharingan stolen by a new enemy. Every time Hinata pushed those thoughts back, it was difficult to sleep afterwards. That still hadn't changed even as the calendar did time and time again.
She felt silly, turning away suitors and watching Hanabi find happiness before her, but Hinata didn't go back on her word even if it frightened her to think that Sasuke liked staying away. Maybe it kept his heart away from grief. Maybe it helped him outrun the mistakes he'd made.
After mulling it over and losing her train of thought as Ino and Shikamaru announced their engagement, she chastised herself. Living in the past was like trying to capture a ghost.
"You need to get out, Hinata. Seriously." Tenten said what no one else dared to, but it was true.
No matter how much Hinata hid behind genuine happiness for others, and her unfailing kindness, she knew it was true.
But needing to do something and wanting to were two very different things. She still wanted the peace of mind and stillness of heart his touch and few words offered. She wondered if it snowed where he was and if he could see how everything faded to white, and if it eased his sadness just a little bit.
"I still miss him." She only said it to herself.
We trapped hell within us with all we wanted but couldn't say.
Because no one would listen.
Because no one really cared.
She wondered what terrors would be in her dreams tonight.
She settled in with her silk pajamas and a cup of miso soup. The wind was so fierce her front door creaked but the television drowned it. There was nothing but romance and horror on and she decided that she definitely wouldn't sleep peacefully. Luck was just not on her side tonight.
Sasuke liked the smell of frost. The air tasted clean and Konohagakure glistened as it came into view. His breathing was heavy from the cold and the weight he carried. He figured Kakashi was up and at the Hokage's office reading; poisoning his subtly filthy mind even more so Sasuke planned to drop off his findings there and debrief.
The metal from his worn but never worn headband whistled against the steel accoutrements on his belt, and it sounded like wind chimes or icicles. A million icicles falling and shattering and creating a symphony. This winter did something to his heart, made it beat stronger and reminded him of lavender-white eyes that always saw right through him.
He appeared suddenly, making Kakashi fumble his novel and straighten up in his chair. Sasuke dropped a black bag onto the floor and Kakashi stood.
"Is that what I –"
"Yeah. Twenty-five million ryō and all the experimental drugs the Land of Mist tried to smuggle in."
"Shit. I'm going to have to call a meeting."
Kakashi rubbed his eyes and decided it could wait until the morning. No one except him and Sasuke knew he had a fortune lying in the middle of his office. Sasuke narrowed his eyes and half-turned as Kakashi kept pondering.
"Well, I'll be going."
"Sasuke –"
Sasuke stopped but didn't look back.
"Good work."
"Thanks."
The word 'sensei' lingered in the air, but Kakashi couldn't hear it.
The light in Naruto's bedroom still burned and Sasuke shook his head. The loser was probably up binge-watching some mindless show that would surely lessen his IQ by twenty points. He thought about going up and brokering some form of small talk. He knew Naruto and Sakura clung to the phantom of Team 7, but perhaps another day. As it was though, he had nowhere to go, or nowhere he felt would receive him and he wasn't strong enough to face the disappointment in that.
Even still, he stood outside of Hinata's apartment contemplating knocking, losing all the words he'd wanted to say to her.
He turned to leave until a door pushed open and she exited her balcony. He concealed himself in the alleyway between her building and the next. Her eyes glowed like the moon as she looked out into the night. He wanted to scold her for how thinly she was covered. She'd catch her death of cold.
"It's winter, you know," he said, and her heart fluttered like a swarm of butterflies had been set free.
He made his way slowly, just underneath the railing of her fire escape and she stopped feeling the cold. He loved and hated the beauty of the little smile that curled her lips. He didn't deserve it. She tried holding back. The broken record had been that he was no good for her, but she had been good all her life. Just once, she wanted to be someone else; unlock a different side of herself. She couldn't help that she'd given him the key and he'd failed to return it.
She hurried back inside and slammed the door, and Sasuke's brows broke into confused lines. He wanted to apologize until he lost his voice, denounce the life of a rogue ninja, and try to explain himself. He paced a little, half of him screaming it was what he deserved, and the other half desperate to knock on her door, but he would just deal with whatever she decided without a show of dramatics. He didn't lose his cool anymore.
The door opened, and she'd pulled on a fluffy robe and stuffed her feet inside even fluffier house shoes, and he melted before the snow. The wind took her hair with it, pulling it from the silk of her coverings and her eyes watered.
"Sasuke."
He closed his eyes and released a heavy sigh. He'd almost forgotten everything except the song in her voice.
"Hinata," he said, opening his eyes.
She hated that her face still burned so long after becoming a woman, but she never hid her feelings well.
"You uh – should come in." She slapped a hand over her mouth, ashamed of unabashedly inviting a man into her home, but smoothed it over. "It's really cold and you're really pale."
He took a careful two steps and she moved out of the way to let him walk in before her. Everything smelled like jasmine and camellias and the embers of a dying fire.
"The fire's gone out." He rushed towards it, rekindling it, and Hinata said a couple of prayers, hoping that she wouldn't come off like the nervous schoolgirl of the old days.
The fire roared with new life and Sasuke rose to his full height. Her heart sped up but she breathed. She reached out to take his cloak and sword and deposited them in a closet, and they stood there with too many years and not enough words between them.
"How did your mission go?" she asked, preparing tea and letting him know it was fine to sit down.
"Too long," he answered. She seconded the sentiment but remained calm. "But it was successful, and now, it's over."
"You've missed… so much. The Hokage is already tired of his job, and everyone is saying Naruto's next in line. Isn't that wonderful? Sakura will probably go down in history too as the best medical ninja and overall kunoichi that ever lived. My sister, Hanabi, got married recently, and Ino and Shikamaru just announced their engagement. Everyone else is just moving right along and I –"
He grabbed her hand as it stirred honey into cups, and she closed her eyes to keep her breathing reasonable. He brushed his hand over her own and let the spoon fall into a cup. He came down, letting the scent of her hair intoxicate him, and his arm disappeared, making a slow journey down to her hip. She turned around, but kept her head bowed. She didn't trust herself to look directly into his eyes.
"And what have you been up to? Hmm, Hinata?"
"Well, I –"
He requested her lips silently but she turned away, and escaped the small space that separated them.
"You've been gone a really long time."
She wouldn't lie to herself and say she didn't want him, but the goodbyes weren't easy when all of her friends were moving on and up in the world, or in the middle of the night when she felt stuck because she was still keeping promises to him.
"I know."
His voice was small, almost like a whisper. He'd wanted to avoid talking about it, but he had been unfair to so many for too long. As her breathing picked up so did the tightness behind her eyes, and she'd decided years ago that she wasn't weak for crying or wearing her heart on her sleeve. Sasuke shattered. He'd always been conquered and bested by her tears. He reached out to her and relief washed over him when she didn't pull back.
"Hinata…" The words came easier than he believed they would. "I never –"
She took a deep breath and faced him again, wiping her face with the end of her palm.
"I'm just glad you're back and that you're safe, Sasuke, but I think the tea is cold now."
He resisted laughing and brought her close and it felt right to be near him no matter what everyone else said. Their eyes found each other's again in that achingly familiar way she'd interrupted with her tears. His head dropped a little and he rested his forehead against hers, and it was hard to measure how much time had passed when their lips met.
Hinata thought to vilify him for his neglect but bad thoughts weren't what she'd entertained in his absence. It was this moment, and she didn't care if her love story matched colorful books and long-winded fables, or if she could only wrinkle the fabric of her skirt when old schoolmates gushed about their boyfriends and fiancés.
Some things transcended what was supposed to happen, the perfect way things should have laid themselves out.
Sasuke backed her against the wall, and her bookcase shifted causing a few books to fall over in a domino effect. His hand was quick and gave her little time to get used to all the varying sensations as it slid from the side of her face and along the line of her neck. He kneaded one of her breasts with a thumb and she arched into him, her pleas caught in her throat. He'd tried on his journey to unwant her, to put away his selfishness for once, but ended up hoping every day away until he could be with her again. He betrayed each of his prayers through his touch and his mouth that couldn't seem to break from hers.
Hinata pulled back and pushed her hands underneath his tunic until she lifted it over his head and tossed it somewhere she didn't care to confirm. She stopped to look at him and make sure her nightmares hadn't decided to have mercy on her and make themselves into dreams. The faintest smile wrinkled his lips and he closed his eyes to unbuckle his belt and his pants pooled around his ankles. He stepped out of them and her pajamas felt like a prison.
She unbuttoned her top, but couldn't stop watching the way he watched her. Few things surprised Sasuke or held his attention outside of battle. Hinata dismissed all of her friends' advice to move on. They didn't know what she did.
She dressed down to her underwear, insignificant lace that was more pretty than practical and he came down to peel it off, leaving kisses along the front of her thighs.
When he stood, she played with the scars on his left shoulder, kissing them, forgiving him for all the things he'd done to feel like he didn't deserve to have his arm restored.
She curled her fingers around his and led him down the darkness of the hallway to her bedroom. She closed the door and he took note of the changes. She'd finally parted with the ugly death lamp he always accidentally knocked over, and painted her room eggshell white.
"You got rid of the purple." He kept observing before facing her.
"Not everything is different," she said.
He took her in from head to toe, the eri silk of her hair and the satin smoothness of her skin.
"I've missed you," she confessed.
He reached for her and she tried to hold back her emotions. He was alive and home, and if that was all, she would be fine with it. He wrapped his fingers around her hair and kept his palm on the back of her head as he kissed her with the words that had gone back to being too hard to say.
She walked him to the edge of her bed and he collided, falling back. Hinata rubbed her hands over the dips of muscle in his abdomen and straddled him. He traced the curve of her hip before guiding himself inside her as she came down slowly, exhaling slowly, savoring slowly.
The room was airless and beads of sweat traveled down her body. Sasuke raised his hips to match her movements, achieving the perfect rhythm as if he'd never left. He had ached for her in the dead of night with the rustling of leaves that reminded him of home. Home in the overwhelming gaze of her eyes, in the precious way she arranged her words, always caring too much, always understanding him at a molecular level. He exhaled as she slowed down and he reached up to slide a finger along her jawline.
She became too aware of herself and tried pushing back her old ways. When she took her eyes off him, he gently pressed her hip with his thumb and beheld her like nothing compared. Hinata Hyūga didn't have a price, and in their private, pocket in space and time, he couldn't recall when anything else had possessed his heart. Not power, not vengeance, not ill-thought of atonement.
Her skin flushed scarlet as she continued teasing them both with her even pace. In the back of her mind, a voice said this was temporary, but she drowned it and pushed it down as deeply as he'd lost himself inside her. She winced his name intently, each syllable falling from her lips like petals swept away with the wind.
If she'd never known him, maybe she'd be the better for it, or maybe the intricacies of passion would have remained a mystery and she'd be the wife of some noble lord.
Love wasn't linear.
The stars evidenced it with their uncountable patterns. The sea foretold it with its waves and glittering ripples.
She and Sasuke must have proven it with the way her heart threatened to pound right out of her chest. His love was dizzy and deep, but she loved the way it moved.
He closed his eyes as she rocked up and down, picking up again little by little. She felt his desperation in how tightly he squeezed her hip. Maybe this was the only way he could love her; deep thrusts, pleading fingers, and black hair tickling the bridge of his nose.
She knew she was close to relinquishing her control and his fingers slacked on her skin. She came apart in crashing segments, taking him with her tensing and arching and damning how she destroyed his stoicism.
She rested against his chest, in the silent brilliance of afterglow and stalked her next breath. Her body rose and fell with his own deep breaths. He traced along her spine, slippery from sweat, and separated the damp strands of her hair.
"Hinata," he started because he'd made himself a promise, "I'm sorry."
She nodded and tried to find the courage to say what she'd wanted to for years. It was just that she swore she wouldn't change him.
It felt unfair to require more of him for her own comfort. That's what she told herself in the silence of her nightly prayers.
"Sasuke, why… why don't you stay in the village? I… think the only way you can truly make amends is by apologizing and facing the people you want to forgive you."
She wanted him with her, but the peace that he poorly sought wouldn't come from ifs, buts, and maybes. He'd considered it. And it arrested him anew when he couldn't look Kakashi in the eyes and when he couldn't knock on Naruto or Sakura's doors.
Hinata drew him in like a planet orbiting the sun and she shined so much light on his heart's desires and wounds it was blinding. It was only a matter of time before he had to acknowledge that he'd been running away.
"And what if –"
He didn't want to voice the fear that there was no forgiveness for him. He'd accepted that the first time he left.
"I'll still be there," she said, voice heavy with sleep. "I will."
She drifted. He reached to pull the light on the new lamp and when he closed his eyes, he believed her.