Marik Plays TOME Chapter 1: New Game, a yu-gi-oh fanfic

Author's Note: I tried to write this in the style of LittleKuriboh's Marik 'let's play' videos, so some of the present-tense first-person narration may seem a bit clumsy. Please bear with me. The page-break-lines here denote in-game dialogue and are not actual page-breaks. Here's a quick dialogue key to help you know who's talking when:

"Binky Boy!" - Marik

Fascinating... - K.A.I.B.A.

Okay, so Bakura told me he's tired of just sitting around watching me play video games all day. I can't imagine why… At any rate, he appears to be serious about this (he even made his little stubborn-pouty face) so, in the interest of preserving our evil alliance, I agreed to separate myself from my console for a couple of days.

I never said anything about my PC...

Ha ha ha, I am so wonderfully evil! The fluffy fool cannot possibly begin to imagine that I am really still playing video games behind his back! Well, technically it's more like an online RPG, but my plan is still SUPREMELY EVIL. That'll teach him who really wears the leather pants around here.

Hmm, let's see… This T.O.M.E. game is supposed to be some kind of virtual-reality-type-thing… I don't really know how it works, but it reeks so badly of money and arrogance that I'm sure Kaiba's hologram technology is involved. Although it really doesn't have anything to do with children's card games, so maybe not. Actually, now that I think about it, this is just the kind of thing Florence would play...he does love RPGs, after all. No, I'm not going to think about him at all right now. Except to spite him. Because I'm evil. Yeeahhhh...

Oh, look, a welcome screen. I wonder what I should make my screen-name? Hmm…

"MalikBlishtar"

Sorry, this username is currently in use.

What?! Who the frig could already be using that?! Seriously. What the frig. Okay... maybe I'll try this...

"DarthLeatherTush"

...Are you sure? Once you activate your account, you cannot change your username.

"Why would I not be sure?!"

…...Sorry, sir, but your username simply seems embarrassing to me. I would urge you to reconsider.

"Hey, that is a GREAT username! Friggin' genius. Back off, Cleverbot!"

... Congratulations, DarthLeatherTush! Your account has been successfully created! Simply use the customization tools to create your AVATAR.

"What, like the blue alien people?"

….You don't play these types of games very often, do you, sir?

"Hey, just who the frig programmed you?"

I am a K25 Artificial Intelligence Binary Accountant. I was reprogrammed from my original functions for the purposes of this game, so you may refer to me simply as K.A.I.B.A. Now, PLEASE use the customization tools to create your AVATAR.

Ghh... I knew it. Friggin' frig. Maybe this game won't be so enjoyable after all... Oh, well. No sense ditching it until I've tried it, at least. Who knows? Maybe the Kaiba-bot's only for the registration sequence... Alright, time to make my avatar.

Hey, that gold skin thing looks cool... Maybe I'll add some wings... Do I really need a shirt? Of course not. Even in the Terrain of Magical Expertise, I can't deprive people the joy of gazing upon my sexy Egyptian midriff. Hmm... I think my avatar ended up looking like the Mega Ultra Chicken. Yeah, kinda exactly like that. But sexier. So, I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing...

"I'm done."

...Nice midriff.

"Thank you."

Now it's time to choose your character's class and power! …...Just so you know, "sexy midriff" does not work for either category.

"Ghh... Who said I was gonna put that?!"

You seem to be chronically predictable, DarthLeatherTush.

"Whatever. I'll make my class... Organized Crime Boss!"

You don't have enough characters to enter that as your class. Also, I have just flagged you as a potential hacker.

"What?! You can't do that! I- I was just joking! Seriously."

Alright. I suppose there is not sufficient proof of illicit activity as of yet. I will remove the flag. But you must change your class.

"Fine. I'll be a... Rogue. And my power can be 'Milenium Magic'!"

I'm sorry... did you mean 'Millennium?'

"Frig you."
"But yes, that is what I meant."

Please try to use your spell-check.

Dang Winged PC of Ra doesn't have spell-check. For a computer with such an extraordinarily long and complicated password, it's kind of a disappointment. Then again, it WAS made by Mokusoft...

Looks like you're finished! Are you ready to start playing?

"Heck yes!"

Great! Here's a quick tutorial to help you get started...

"I don't need a friggin' tutorial!"

Initial tutorials are compulsory. If you wish to continue, you must comply. You may not navigate away from this page.

"...What'll happen if I do?"

…...Are you familiar with the 'Blue Screen of Death?'

"No."

Well, you will be...

"Sounds like fun! Blue's a cool color."

Hmm... It seems it will be a bit more difficult with this one... Fine, if you attempt to escape this tutorial, I will override the system and make your avatar fat.

"NOOOOOOOO! You... you MONSTER! Fine, I'll do your stupid tutorial!"

Great! Let's get started!

Grrrr... I can't believe this guy... program... whatever. Seriously, how the frig did this thing gain sentience?! More importantly, how does this company make any money with a snarky 8-bit digital moron like that? The thing apparently hates customers. Then again, it is Kaiba-bot, so I can't say I'm really surprised... but how dare it threaten my midriff like that?!

"Just so you know, I will never forgive you."

Oh, look, I'm moving. Apparently you have to fly to get into this game. Although I'm not actually flapping my wings, so this is kinda weird. Really accurate virtual reality, you guys. Ah- I feel like I'm being dragged... That's probably Kaiba-bot. I'm being pulled towards that purple area on the right... oof! Ugh, rough landing. I'll have to practice that...

"Alright, you stupid computer virus. Start this tutorial so I can move on."

This region is called Lavendera! This area of T.O.M.E. was designed primarily for battles between players. To battle another player, simply walk up to them and challenge them! T.O.M.E. recommends battling on a GRID, but here in Lavendera, it's possible for players to battle without one, as well. To use a GRID, simply choose the "Grid On" option when setting up your battle. It's so easy, even a fool like you can do it!

"Hey, what was that?!"

Let's practice battling with a grid!

"Don't you dare ignore me, you worthless piece of- ….Woah."

This other character just popped onto the screen from nowhere! It looks... just like Kaiba. Except it's so pixelated, it's a little hard to tell. It's also floating.

"Kaiba-bot?"

Challenge me to a battle!

"What if I don't feel like it?"

Hmm... It looks like I need to provide a stimulus. Perhaps I should insult his mother...

"My mother's dead."

Ah. I would express sympathy for your loss, but I am not capable of emotion.

"It's okay. I never really cared about her."
"Because I'm evil."

Alright. Then I suppose I should insult your intelligence instead.

"Eh..?"

You, sir, are an utter imbecile. The only thing you ever got on your I.Q. test was drool. You are so empty-headed that if you were to sink to the bottom of a lake, you would be scientifically considered an air-pocket. Your brain is so small that its width must be measured on the nano scale. If you were confronted with a door labeled 'push,' you would spend three hours pulling on the handle.

"Alright, that's enough! How dare you insult my door-opening skillz?!"

I believe the appropriate response would be, 'come at me, bro.'

"Fine. You want a fight?! I'll give you a friggin' fight!"

Okay, so I just go up to him and turn the grid on, right? Here goes...

"Alright, frig-for-brains, prepare to taste my Rod!"

…...
…...Was that meant as an innuendo?

"Wha- No! I meant my Millennium Rod, you fool! I am 100% straight!"

Mm-hmm.
….! Battle grid detected. Activating combat mode code 367-B78D6 pursuant to programming.

What's he doing? Spouting gibberish? Oh, look, now he's got some kind of space gun. Cute. This probably won't be very difficult-

Firing.

"Ack! What the frig was that?!"

A highly-focused burst of energy that reflects light at wavelengths between 400 and 500 nanometers produced by a long string of Malbolge programming.

"Hff...Good to know."

I'm glad you appreciate it. Firing.

Crap in a bucket! I've gotta dodge before he-

"Argh!"

FRIG! He must be able to anticipate my movements... I guess I'll just have to go on the offensive! Let's see, how do I do this? Oh, right!

"Fireball! Take that!"

Not so smug now, are y- oh, he dodged. Frig. How do I get him to hold still?! He's getting ready to take another shot... think, THINK!

Resistance is futile. You will not clear this tutorial.

Crap... what can I do?! There's gotta be a way to distract him...

Firing...

"WAIT! Uh, how does your space-blaster thing work?"

…...
Actually, since it is merely an in-game weapon, it does not really possess a functioning inner mechanism. However, I have calculated the forces and technologies necessary to build such a weapon in the physical world, should any important developer be interested. In fact, I have already sent the preliminary designs to several weapons manufacturers under the pseudonym Sebastian Karlmann IV. The quantum mechanics necessary to build this particular model involve some very- ACK!

"I actually caught someone else monologuing! HA! Fireball barrage!"

This is my chance! I'll hit him with everything I've got!

GAAAAHHHHH!

I- Impossible! With your dismal skill level, you only had a 3% chance of defeating me!

"Hmph. It looks like there's one thing you didn't factor in... I don't play by the rules."

I should have anticipated this... Ahem. Congratulations! It looks like you're ready to start playing for real! Now that you've completed the tutorial, let me be the first to welcome you to the Terrain of Magical Expertise!

"'Kay thanks. I'll be leaving now. Hope to never see you again, frig-face!"

I must express similar sentiments; however, there is an 87.5% chance that we will encounter each other again within the week.

"Get. Lost."

FINALLY. Thank Ra. I thought he would NEVER leave.

Well, now that the tutorial's over, I might as well find somebody to fight. Apparently I need to hone my skillz a bit more... it won't be nearly that easy to distract all the sane people around here.

I guess I'll... eh? That's weird... I thought I heard a noise just now. It sounded like bushes rustling... Hmm... Well, I looked around and there's nobody there.

It was probably just my imagination- OHMYGOD! How the frig did I end up on the ground?! This other guy... he's got me pinned down. I can hear him breathing in my ear...

"Don't move, or I will rip your face off. Now, be a good boy and hand over all of your stuff..."

TO BE CONTINUED...