Author's Note:
This story you're about to read is based off of an event that actually happens to me... a lot... just because I have a big family without a yellow school-bus. This is me ranting about it, with a mostly humorous twist to it. You should know, however, the logic portrayed in this story is legitimately real: People have actually acted this way toward me and my parents in stores! I give you: Walmart People in Action! Hit it, Crisper!
Crisper: Hitting it! (hits it)
Everyone was at Walmart. Nohr, Magnus, Ellegaard (okay... those three shouldn't have been mentioned like that due to TCoaL... awkward...), Ocelott, Itcartooncookie, LonelyWhistler, Jesse, Axel, Olivia, Ivor, Jessica, Aiden, Lukas- the whole gang! A big family going to Walmart to enjoy some pizza and shopping-cart-related injuries!
Everyone was seated at the dirty, food-encrusted benches while Magnus ordered three pizzas to feed all of them.
While at the table, Petra whispered something to Olivia. Olivia flinched a bit, but looked back at Petra and nodded.
"What's up?" Ocelott asked happily.
"Oh, you know... woman-stuff." Olivia told Ocelott before standing up. Ocelott's eyes glimmered.
"Ooh! Me too!" She screamed, racing off to be with Olivia though she had no idea what this 'woman stuff' was. So Ocelott and Olivia were off.
"Hey guys," Aiden told Gill and Lukas, "Check it out." He showed them something on his phone, earning a few surprised gasps from the boys.
"No way, Aiden!" Gill shouted, taking Aiden's phone to get a better look. Maya, who was sitting right next to Gill took a peek, instantly repulsed by what she saw.
"That's disgusting! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves!" She told them before going to sit with Nohr and Ellegaard who were (against all TCoaL's odds) weren't at each other's throats. Aiden looked at Maya with a confused face before looking back at the pictures of puppies on his phone.
"Maybe she's just not a dog-person." Lukas shrugged.
"Hey Petra!" Ocelott called to Petra as she and Olivia lingered at the end of the long line. "We've got the t*mp*ns for your p*r**d!" She blurted loudly and proudly, holding up the t*mp*ns for everyone in the store to see. "We did like you told and bought you the M*x* P*ds!" Olivia's face turned red. Petra's face turned an even darker shade of red. The boys' faces were the darkest faces of all. Lonely was relatively cool, whistling absent-mindedly.
Olivia instantly grabbed Ocelott by the shoulders.
"Ocelott! Don't EVER say that again!" She scolded. Ocelott nodded slowly before Olivia let her arms go.
Meanwhile at the pizza-shop, Magnus was grabbing the three pizzas.
(this is the part that's based on my annoyingly lousy experience. even though I added some crack, if you can relate to the basic elements, you'll know how my family and I feel. Roll film!)
"Thanks." He turned around and counted the patrons who would eat with him. There were a lot, about 15 to be exact. "Uh, can I get fifteen plates?" He asked politely. The shopkeeper looked at Magnus like he had just stuck his foot in his nose.
"Fifteen?" She asked lifelessly. Magnus nodded. "I'm sorry, but we have a strict four plate per pizza policy." She explained.
"You... what?"
"We can only give away four plates per pizza." She rephrased. Magnus just stared at her for a few seconds.
"Owkay, can I get twelve plates then?" He asked.
"Sorry, we can only give away four plates per order." She told him. Magnus's eye twitched, but before he could say anything, Ocelott rushed up to him with a happy look on her face.
"Magnus! Magnus!" She called, shaking him violently even though he was already paying attention to her.
"Yeah, Cat?"
"I just wanted to tell you that we bought p*ds for Ellegaard!" She announced. Magnus's face turned dark purple. Itscartooncookie walked up behind her and groaned.
"Ocelott, looks like I have to punish you." He told her before taking her by the hand.
"Not the punishment! NUUUUUU!" He sat down on a bench and Ocelott lay on his lap. He pulled off his belt and started spanking her. In public. Regardless of her apparent age. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! NOOOOOOOOO! NUUUUUUUUU!" Ocelott wailed.
"No! No! No! No!" Itscartooncookie yelled with each slap. After a few more seconds of this, Ocelott stood upright and jumped inside of a chocolate bar, never to be seen again... for the next ten minutes, anyways.
Meanwhile, Magnus was still picking bones with the shopkeeper.
"Come on! For Notch's sake, I just bought three pizzas!"
"I know sir. You already paid us your money. But, you see, you have too many paying customers for us to give you our cheap wholesale paper-plates. It just can't be done." The keeper told him solemnly. Magnus really wanted to throw his pizza at her and scream 'Screw this place' at the top of his lungs... in fact...
He did.
"SCREW THIS PLACE!" Magnus screamed before throwing his pizza at the woman. The woman staggered backwards into the oven and the whole thing exploded into flames. Somehow, the store caught fire and the glass doors suddenly locked! Everyone was trapped! But never fear! Gabriel's here!
Gabriel saw everyone flocking the glass auto-doors.
"Stand back!" He yelled at the crowd. "I'm going to break the glass with my sword!" He warned them, readying his weapon before-
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The same lady from the pizza-store shouted. Gabriel looked at her in confusion.
"No?" He asked.
"Yes."
"So, yes?"
"NOO!"
"No? Why can't I break the glass? These people need to get to safety!" Gabriel explained, hoping she would understand. But she didn't understand. She works at Walmart. They'll NEVER understand!
"We can't break the glass because breaking the glass is against the RUUUUULEZ!" She wailed before pulling out a golden plaque. Gabriel studied it closely. Ah! There it was, rule #4.
Don't break the displays.
"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Magnus screamed, grabbing his head and wishing there was hair so that he could rip it out.
"Of course I am! Mommy says 'No exceptions'!" The woman explained proudly. "Looks like we're just going to have to die in here." She reasoned before sitting on the floor.
"... what? You're just giving up like that?" Ellegaard asked before Ocelott grabbed the plaque from Gabriel.
"Rule #1 should be 'Lower your expectations'." She muttered to herself before writing it on the plaque.
"NUUUUUUUUUUU! RULE #2 IS 'DON'T WRITE ON THE PLAQUE'! YOU COULD MISSPELL SOMETHING! THEN WE'D ALL BE IN TRUBBLE!" The woman yelled before keeling over in agony. Ocelott rolled her eyes.
"Rule #2. Don't write on the plague unless it's absolutely necessary." She wrote before Olivia took it to evaluate. Olivia screamed. "What? What's wrong?"
"You spelled 'plaque' the wrong way! We're all gonna die!" Everyone except for Olivia and the woman started laughing.
"That's funny, Olivia!"
"No! Seriously! This is bad! You spelled P-L-A-Q-U-E as P-L-A-G-U-E! We're all gonna get the plague!" She screamed before falling over and dying. Ivor screamed. He was a germophobe, meaning that he was having a very bad day.
Everyone started running around and panicking before Ratchet and Clank showed up.
"It's alright, guys! We're here to help you! When we're done, we can go see my new movi- whoa!" Before he could fully say 'movie', he slipped on a Rotten Tomato. Pun intended. Quite.
"Oh dear." Clank facepalmed. He grabbed a wrench and threw it at the glass-doors, shattering it into a bugillion pieces, heck yea!
"FREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOM!" Everyone screamed as he ran out.
"No! NOOO! You're breaking the rules!" The woman screamed. "I AM NOT A RULEBREAKER!" She announced before running headfirst into the flames and leaping right in.
The end!
Author's Note:
And there you have it! Based on a true story that LITERALLY happened to me. Multiple times. Three pizzas, and we're only allowed five plates. In the end, we got our ten plates, but yeah. We have to wait ten extra minutes to eat our food because of policies like these. There's this thing: It's called 'Exceptions'.
Another incident occurred when my entire family and I (totaling about sixteen people) went to the movies. All the kids and my parents were in the theatre and I went with my mom to get concessions and things. So, when we order the slushies, we ask for ten cups. The worker's like 'That's too many cups. We only give away five cups per customer'. Funny thing, but no matter how much you pay these people, they still manage to sass you off. Anyways, after about ten minutes of logic verses... not logic, and considerable sass, we finally got our ten cups.
And the moral of the story is: You can't get service for ten people unless if you're unrelated and have a school bus.
PS: To anyone who works at Walmart, please try not to be offended by my satire. I don't wish house-fire to anyone and I'm writing this just to vent out my frustration and have a little fun. But yeah. Just because I don't have a school-bus with me, doesn't mean I'm not eligible to get ten cups. Thank you and good night.
PPS: The Ratchet and Clank movie was a bust. Pun intended. Get it? Bust? While it had its moments, it... well, anyways, I just had to do that Rotten Tomatoes joke. Please no flame.