First Downton Abbey fanfic 3 3 enjoy!
'I believe she died because of that kiss, and we are the ones that killed her. We could never be happy now don't you see? We're cursed, you and I. We're cursed you and I, we're cursed you and I'
Mary woke up with a start, Matthew's words still whirling around in her head, over and over again. Mary's face crumpled and she covered her mouth to hold back a sob as she once again entered the world of reality that she was doomed for a life with a man who she did not love and was indebted to. It had been a couple of days since she had last spoken to Matthew, and Richard was continuously trying to move the wedding forward. She had told him plenty of times that she had felt it would be inappropriate to wed so soon after Lavinia's death but he still was determined to try and sway her. Mary muffled her tears into her hand, letting her façade and control have a break. All the emotions that she felt were let out and her heart felt like it was being continuously stabbed.
Mary got out of bed and wiped her eyes, still trying to grab control of her tears, and walked over to the window. Opening the curtains she saw that the sun was just peaking but the sky was grey, there was fog and the landscape was bleak. Slight droplets of rain were falling on the large window and Mary realised that she had stopped crying and felt the urge to go outside. It would be totally inappropriate, but the servants were not yet up and there was no one around. Closing the curtains, Mary left her room in her thin silk nightgown and with bare feet, her long chestnut brown hair falling to her waist and swaying gently with every step she took. She slowly and quietly walked past family and guest rooms and made her way to the door. When Mary opened the door, a gust of wind hit her face; its harsh icy touch burning her skin, yet it felt so good and she felt free. She stepped outside and felt the rain touch her face and as the rain mixed with her dry tears, a small but genuine smile made its way to her face and she took her first step onto the gravel, feeling each individual stone beneath her feet. Mary made her way towards the fields, her feet becoming accustomed to the wet ground, her skin numb to the cold air and the rain. She had no care in the world and she felt so free. Mary was aware wearing hardly anything outside in this weather would be sure to make her catch her death but she had nothing to lose now. She did not have Matthews love, she had nothing to inherit, she was damaged goods and she was doomed for a cold and loveless marriage.
Matthew hadn't left his room since Lavinia's funeral, mainly to avoid talking to Mary and seeing her. His nights had been sleepless and lately he found himself sitting by the window and just watching. He knew he should be thinking of Lavinia and mourning her but he could not get Mary out of his mind. Her ivory skin, her slim figure, her dark locks of hair and those brown orbs she had for eyes. There was no question that Lavinia had been right that he loved Mary still. But Lavinia had made him happy, he felt secure, she had looked after him when no one else had and that was why he loved her. In his turmoiled state of mind, he kept reliving the kiss that he and Mary had shared a few nights back, how right it felt to have her in his arms, the way her lips felt against his when they kissed….. the whole scenario had been so perfect. He had even admitted to Mary he wanted to leave Lavinia for her if it had not been for all that Lavinia had sacrificed for him.
Matthew blinked and pushed the memory to the back of his mind and tried to concentrate on the rain falling softly against the window. He almost had to blink twice when he saw the front door open and Mary step outside. He found himself mouthing her name and he watched in horror as she began to walk towards the fields in nothing but her night clothes. The wind made her hair twirl in the air and she had never looked more beautiful to him. He watched her move towards the open fields and suddenly felt a pang of worry strike his heart. Mary would surely be taken so very ill if she was left out there for too long and her reputation as a lady would be ruined. Matthew, still in his evening wear, grabbed a coat, his cane and left his room to follow her.
When he stepped outside, he found that the temperature was much colder than he anticipated and now he was very worried for Mary. Yelling her name would do him no good as it would wake up the household. He walked as fast as her could towards the fields in which Mary had been headed and found that she had left a trail in the long grass from where she had been walking. The grass was wet from the rain and the morning dew and when he was further from the house he yelled out her name.
'MARY!' Adrenaline was running through his veins and he found himself breathing very hard. 'She can't have gotten far,' he told himself but then he remembered that she was far more agile than he and frowned, 'blast this stupid stick, MARY!' he called out again. Walking as fast as he could he followed her trail until he came to the middle of the gardens. Downton could not be seen by the naked eye anymore and Matthew stopped short when he saw a figure lying limp in the fields. Dread filled him and he hobbled over to her, ignoring how wet his trousers were. She looked like how her grandmother had described, 'She looked like Juliet on awakening in the tomb' only this time, she was not an awake Juliet, but a dead Juliet. Grimacing slightly, he bent down and shook her. Her skin was ice cold to the touch, her night gown almost see through if it were not for the mud and grass stains on it. 'Mary, Mary, please wake up, I beg of you, please wake up.' He said and her eyes fluttered slowly open and she sat up slowly.
'I dreamed I saw a great wave climbing over green lands and above the hills. I stood upon the brink. It was utterly dark in the abyss before my feet. A light shone behind me, but I could not turn. I could only stand there, waiting.' She said in a ghostly voice before turning to look at a shocked Matthew. 'The wave is Richard, the dark is my marriage, the abyss….' Her voice turned into a hushed whisper, 'is my life'.
Matthew noticed her eyes were glassy from crying and he helped her up before putting his coat on her. 'Mary, you're going to catch you're death, we need to get you back inside.' Matthew said and he offered his hand for her to take but she looked at him with a look he feared would haunt him.
'I believe she died because of that kiss, and we are the ones that killed her. We could never be happy now don't you see? We're cursed, you and I.' she said softly. 'That's what you said to me the last time we spoke. And now…. You want me to go back to Downton but we will never be happy, we are cursed, we are murderers! How can I carry on living now? I am to marry a heartless man, to be forever in debt to him and all because I am cursed!' she sobbed and Matthew just stared at her in bewilderment. He had obviously hurt her with his words far deeper than he thought.
'You do not have to marry Carlisle, Mary.' He said gently and Mary shook her head.
'No, I must. If I do not, I will end up a spinster, I will be endangering the family, I will be endangering me and I will be endangering….you.' she said softly. 'The only way out of this is for me to die. Oh I wish to God I was dead.' Mary began to sob again and Matthew didn't know what to do.
'Mary, do not wish death upon yourself. You do not have to marry Carlisle, how is marrying a man you do not love endangering anyone?' he asked exasperated and Mary let out a callous laugh, to which Matthew flinched.
'I shall tell you why cousin Matthew, seven years ago….. I took a lover.' She said. Somehow talking to Matthew in this state was far easier than with her cool persona. Matthew looked like he had been shot.
'What?' he said in a hoarse whisper.
'I took a lover, Mr Kemal Pamuk. He came to my room uninvited but yet, I did not push him away for if I did he would reveal that he had been in my room which alone would have caused a scandal. He died in my bed, in my arms. He died in the arms of….. of a harlot.' She spoke with self-disgust and Matthew was in total shock. 'And Richard knows, I told him when Mr Bates' former wife threatened to sell her story. He made sure that it would remain a secret so I am indebted to him,' her eyes flickered towards him and she touched his face, her cold hands making him flinch, 'that's why I could not marry you Matthew, I could not subject you to a whore, a slut like myself. You were better off without me and then I killed your fiancé by allowing my feelings for you to slip.'
Matthew was still reeling in shock as he tried to digest the information. He was feeling mixed emotions at the moment and he knew that he needed time to mull things over. He looked back at Mary and noticed that her lips were turning blue, her eyes were half shut and she was mumbling over and over to herself. His now soaking wet coat would not help her.
'Mary, I'm going to have to carry you back to Downton, I will not let you kill yourself for you are not a murderer, I don't care if you and that Turkish diplomat were…. Intimate, I will not let another woman I love die!' he cried and he picked Mary's surprisingly light body up, after discarding the heavy coat. Mary had not heard a word of what he had said and was shaking violently. 'You will not die on me Mary Crawley.' He vowed before making the long trek back to Downton Abbey.
RxR please :) will update asap :) x