Chapter 1: Twenty-three reasons

"Oh my God…" Her kisses went up my neck. "Your heart is beating so loud Santana."

"No, someone's knocking Brit."

"Well, I am sure someone else around the world is being knocked up besides you but why are you bringing it up now? Do you not want me to knock you up?" She looked mildly hurt that I supposedly did not want to carry her child. As a response to her expression, I stuck with my trusty 'You're pretty but confusing as hell' facial setting.

"No, I mean someone is knocking on the door." As if on cue, the foreplay interrupting door knocker continued what must have been their favorite hobby. Brittany let me go, I turned around, and opened the door only to be confronted with the unwelcome view of landing strip head. "WHAT. THE. FUCK?! What the HELL are you doing here? And more importantly, What do you WANT?!"

"Well…" The trademark sleazy grin was firmly in place as expected. "You look newly boinked." He then proceeded to attempt to wink but it really just looked like the non-existent fly I had mentally willed to soar into his eye had had a successful mission.

"Listen up Jowls," He stroked his jaw line self consciously "If you ever use the word BOINKED anywhere near me again I will snatch a razor blade from my hair, break my 'NO PENIS IN MY LIFE' rule just long enough to get just close enough to that ghastly appendage to cut it off. Then I will put it in a box with a picture of Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake, and then mail it to you via the crappiest least reliable mail service possible to insure it arrives in the worst fathomable shape to your address, which is 746 Douchebag Lane NE, Loserville, Asshatland 94651. Have I made myself perfectly clear?" He stared at me blankly. "SECONDLY, you just interrupted my alone time with Brittany. I don't take too kindly to that. But because I am a reasonable woman, I will give you five seconds to explain why you have made yourself present in my life at an extremely undesirable time. And by undesirable time, I mean ever."

"Okay, well first off, your boobs look awesome when you cross your arms."

"I know right?" Brittany commented, supplementing his right however inappropriate opinion.

"Brittany!"

"What? They do." She then shrugged.

"You're wasting valuable time Noah, two seconds left."

"I need a place to crash."

"Oh really? Well, ain't that an ugly buck-eyed bitch? Bye!" I smiled brightly and slammed the door in his poorly aging face.

"SANTANA LOPEZ!" And there it was… the first and last name…..I turned around slowly to find Brittany standing in the middle of the room with her hands on her hips and a disappointed look upon her beautiful face.

"Yes, baby….?" I attempted charm hoping it will get her to stop that expression that had been known to devolve any willpower I had. I knew someday it was going to make a pretty intimidating 'mom look.'

"Let him in Santana."

"But…"

"He is part of our Glee family and if he needs a place to stay for the night then he is more than welcome to sleep on the couch."

"BUT…."

"But nothing, now open the door." I took a few steps towards the door, then stopped, and look back at her again.

"You know, it's mean to be all authoritative sexy Brittany when you know you're not going to fuck me tonight."

"Tana, you know better than anybody that I've always liked a little mean in my life…" She then proceeded to slap my ass.

"HEY! That hurt!"

"Open the door and maybe later I'll kiss it and make it better." I grinned a grin that said I enjoy eating shit and then opened the door to see nobody.

"Welp, he's not there. So, you gonna kiss it now or…"

"Santana."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME WOMAN?! I TRIED! YOU JUST SAW MY TRYING IN ACTION!" She attempted to still look mad but a smirk and then a giggle made its way through.

"Actually LOOK outside please." I stepped outdoors and sure enough he was leaning against the wall about a foot away from the front door. Of course, it goes without saying that I was happy to find him.

"Aww crap." I sighed dramatically. "Just come in, Brittany wants to be in your company for some ungodly reason." Puck gave me that signature lopsided dopey smile of his and moseyed on into our home.

"Please, have a seat Puck." His ass proceeded to accept Brittany's offer. "How's thing's going? What brings you to LA?"

"Well, besides the fine ass ladies that could use a little puckasaurus in their lives…" My eyes rolled so hard they could have bowled a strike. "I wanted to scope out the pool situation around these parts, pass out my card, and maybe get my name around town a little bit. Go to a few meetings… You know, network."

"Which will take you all of one day, right? Because your hairy greasy gassy self is not staying over more than one day here."

"I'm not gassy."

"Come on Puck, we've all seen what you eat."

"Yeah, pussy. " And his grin hit a new douche world record. Next on his plans to achieve maximum doucheyness….somehow cut his hair like Donald Trump, buy a Nickelback t-shirt, and go as Dane cook for Halloween all simultaneously. That all sounds impossible I know, but I had faith in his abilities.

"No no, that doesn't mess with your digestion." Brittany stated helpfully for all of us in dire need of knowing the nutritional facts about vagina. "And let's look on the bright side; at least you don't have that I gotta fart look all the time like Finn."

"Dudette, Finn smells. He's not just on the brink. He lets those h-bomb's fly on the regular!"

"You'd think with that huge ass schnoz on Rachels face that she'd get tired of the 'I haven't washed my balls' stench going on with him after a while too. Slept with him once and had enough of that for five lifetimes….But with that being said, what is going on here" I pointed in his general direction. "is just one of twenty-three reasons why I did not want you in our home Noah… besides the fact that I find you both mentally and physically revolting." He perked a bushy eyebrow in confusion. "Because with you Puck comes discussions of penis, balls, and farts and that causes me turmoil and when I go though such an emotional experience I start to become rather volatile and once I become volatile I tend to find the need to go off on a landing strip chopping off spree. Often a machete is involved."

"Then why is mine still intact?" Brittany questioned in complete and utter confusion.

"Because it would be impossible for her to be mad at you Blondie."

"She is Brittany to you. You understand me?"

"What an alpha lesbian!" Puck for unknown by anybody ever reasons found the unfortunate need to express his opinion. If that wasn't enough, he then decided it was imperative to invade various other areas of our home. "I'm gonna take a shower." He then proceeded to walk into our room and lock himself in our bathroom.

"You." I pointed at my seductive female companion. "Are lucky that I love the hell out of you. You know that?" She simply winked back.

-The next morning-

"HEY! GENITAL WARTS! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO OUR BATHROOM?!"

"What?" He ambled in scratching his lice ridden mohawk whilst wearing my…

"WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU YOU COULD WEAR MY BATHROBE?!"

"You used to let me so…." His shoulders moved in a sluggish united fashion known by some as shrugging whilst wearing my Betsey Johnson collection red satin robe.

"I NEVER LET YOU! EVER!"

"Oh well, I used to wear it back in the day when we used to bow chicka wow wow. You have killer taste in robes." He then did what I think he had hoped qualified as a dance. "Feels so good against my skin!" I gave him the glare of a lifetime whilst trying not to cross my arms. It was too early in the morning for Puck tit comments slash leers. "Don't get your panties in a twist. I'll give it back."

"I DON'T WANT IT BACK!" I then groaned an irritated groan knowing that I couldn't just kick him out because of my girlfriends need to pretend that we were still in glee club. "Just don't wear anymore of my shit, you got that?"

"Whatever you say chicka."

"Oh wow! You guys have matching robes!" I turn around to see that Brittany had stepped into the bathroom.

"No Brit, he just stole mine."

"Why didn't you just put one on your Amazon wishlist or something? We totally would have gotten you one for Christmas. Now we gotta get a new one for our sexually frustrated Mrs. Claus and horny worker elf roleplay before the Holidays." And…the sleazy Puck grin made its first appearance at 6:42 AM. Just lovely.

"Brittany, could you please give us a minute honey?" I asked as sweetly as I could at that moment. She gave me an approving nod and then turned towards the male person in the room.

"Puck," Brittany started in a very serious tone. "When alone with my super gorgeous smart talented girlfriend, I expect you to do nothing that I would do other than listen to her." Puck laughed and Brittany's face quickly turned into an irritated one as a result. "Noah Puckerman, I'm serious. I like being happy bubbly Brittany but if I hear from her that you were being inappropriate while she was attempting to share her feelings with you; which is very hard for her to do because she is scared of them and would prefer you to not know she's sensitive, I will run you over with my motocross bike and then have Lord tubbington sit on you after he's eaten an entire pot of fondue." Puck looked most horrified by the Tubbington part as any logical person would.

"Wow…. Santana has really rubbed off on you."

"In more ways than one." Brittany smirked and returned to her traditional perky manner. "I'm gonna go to the store. Need anything?" Her eyes shifted from Puck to me multiple times. We both shook our heads no. "Okay, see you guys later." And the hot lady friend was gone; leaving me with the human embodiment of a fist bump. We stood there for a few seconds in silence. Him in nothing but socks and my red satin robe and me in my Lima heights track pants and hoodie. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity he broke the silence.

"Soo….why do you hate me so much?" My eyebrows met my hairline and then they dropped and squashed together as a result of my confusion. Clearly, in a few years I was gonna need botox.

"What?"

"I've never done anything to you. In fact, you're probably the only girl I've ever had actual feelings for that I didn't cheat on or treat like shit in any way. I fucked over everyone else but you. So why?"

"What about cheating on me with Quinn?"

"I forget that happened?"

"Just like you forgot the baby?"

"Okay so maybe I've been a douche but compared to the other girls I've been way better with you, so why do you hate me so much?"

"Umm let's see," I pretended to ponder deeply. "You disrespect my shit for one!"

"No, but legit why Santana? At one point you were on the brink of being my girl that's a friend. What went wrong? I don't get it." I let out an annoyed sigh.

"I want to hate you because you are asking me way too serious of questions at an insanely early time of the morning even though I had planned on doing something similar to you…. BUT, I don't HATE you Puck. I just find you annoying and douchey and unthoughtful….

-Seven minutes later-

….and stupid, and arrogant, and to have supremely ugly feet yet still feel the need to wear flip-flops which you so grotesquely refer to as thongs… But even more than all of those things, you have an annoying knack for interrupting Brittany and me's private activities and then turning them into some gross shit that goes on in your mind. I love my girlfriend Puck, and I feel like you gallivanted into our home that we built together and then flat out looked at us like we're just fuck buddies. So, excuse me if I'm not a fan of that." His shock made itself apparent on his face.

"I didn't do any of that but Santana, are you kidding me? You guys used to be the definition of fuck buddies! Why do you think I hung out with you chickas? I was fucking there during that threesome that quickly turned into just you guys going at it and me getting shoved out of the bed repeatedly."

"You could never just take no for an answer…or even a kick in the balls for an answer."

"You guys were we hot! I think the whole world would relate to teenage me. Well, except Kurt….and Blaine…and Karofsky … Okay, maybe like 75% could relate." I rolled my eyes because how could I not? When around him I always had this distinct fear that I'd roll my eyes so hard that my contacts would fall out and then I'd step on them while trying to find them. And then end up going to jail after savagely murdering him and then I would have to survive on only the occasional conjugal visit from Britt-Britt….and you know, try to fend off the huge strong women that would likely take advantage of my profound inability to not drop the soap. Although, to be fair Brittany was typically the reason I dropped the soap. Holding on to it was often not a top priority when sex on legs had her mouth on my tits. Just saying.

"UGH Puck, We were never just fuck buddies. Even when I said we were we weren't and when I look at you and have you around I feel…" I couldn't even glance in his direction anymore so I just settled for staring off into nothingness for a while before finishing. "I feel like that fifteen year old girl that tried to fuck the gay away and I don't like it. I don't hate YOU, I hate what you symbolize from my past." When I was finally able to look him in the eye all I saw was hurt but I kept going. He wanted to know so I'd told him. Don't ask for what you can't handle. "I left Lima and took my beautiful girlfriend with me and purposely started my life over again. I've spent quite a bit of time trying to fill my life with new people because when I come into contact with people from my past they seem to try as hard as possible to break that bubble that I like to refer to as my clean slate. And I'm sorry…. but that makes me uncomfortable. Whether it's fair or not it's true." I finally glanced at him and he had an oddly proud expression on his face. "Oh God, don't make me slap the douche off your wrinkly mug."

"No no it's just… clearly, it goes both ways."

"What do you mean?"

"You've become so much more confident Santana. Brittany was right. That was really hard for you but you really do know how to speak about how you feel now huh?" I refused to acknowledge his statement in an effort to bring the sap level in the room down tenfold. If I wanted sap in my life I'd go in the backyard and drain it out of the maple tree Brittany had insisted we plant. "I know people call you a bitch and you are." I glared. "And people say things like you're so lucky to have Brittany and dude you are for sure. But Brittany; that woman, she's the luckiest woman in the world. No doubt about it. I get that I was like…a reminder of bad memories but we did have some good times. Sure the puckasaurus was not your thing and maybe I made a few too many jokes in high school about being able to show you a good time anyway but…You've grown and changed and become better and maybe I'm trailing behind you but I'm better too. We're both slightly less fucked up now and I think that we should both celebrate that. You know.." He kicked the floor in thought. "I kinda wish I could go back and we could pick up chicks together and like watch Spike TV and stuff."

"I like women Puck, not douchey TV."

"You watch Jersey shore."

"That's shitty TV, not douche TV. Difference." He gave me the 'you're avoiding the topic' face and I immediately read it and replied with my patented groan and eye roll combination.

"Santana, I want you to know that I believe your relationship is way more than being fuck buddies even if you guys still go at it like rabbits." I gave him a look that said 'You almost got through a sentence without being a tool but you just couldn't quite make it could you?' Yep, my face said all of that. "And I'm more than just some mediocre sex you had like seven year ago so before I leave can we get to know each other like the bros we should be? I mean who has more game with the ladies than us? We should unite forces. Be homies like you hoodrats would say in the heights." I took a deep breath because really, where was I gonna start?

"One, I'm gonna needed you to never utter the terms 'homies' or 'hoodrats' ever again. And that includes times when you are not even in my presence. For me to further partake in this conversational exchange, I require that you immediately agree upon those terms." He nodded with a hint of a smile trying to push through. "Secondly, never call me a bro again. Liking T&A doesn't make me a bro. Nor am I a bra. You need to learn to enunciate. I will not stand for the bastardization of the word bra. It does not mean bro, nor will it ever. And thirdly, maybe you have a point but it would be best for you to not do some sort of dumbass victory dance that involves you motioning to your crotch. I am still capable of a solid bitch slap and/or skilled bitch cutting." He further nodded. "In return, I agree to go in the living room with you, put on Girls Gone Wild, drink a few beers, and have a running commentary about the ladies juggs. You however will NOT inform other new directions members of this bonding activity. Understood, Landing strip?"

"Could I be Puck and not Landing Strip?"

"You heard my deal. It is the only one I will put on the table and it will expire within the next two minutes. So, take it or leave it." Once the dopey grin appeared on his face we both knew the answer…

-Half hour later-

"Ooo, it's not Tit Tuesday yet is it?" Brittany trotted in with groceries and what I recognized as an outrageously indiscreet bag from the local sex shop.

"You guys are the coolest couple ever. Number wah!" He then pointed his index finger in the air to further indicate that yes, he felt that we were number one aka wah. Seriously, what did I say about enunciation just a half hour ago?

"Well obviously," I shrugged like duh but then asked, "but what makes you think that?"

"Whenever I've had a girlfriend they get all mad if I even look at another chick yet you guys not only look at other women, you have freaking Tit Tuesday for Christ sakes! It's awesome!"

"All boobs are to be appreciated except for Finns." Why was she so amazingly glorious in every possible way?

"Brittany?"

"Yes, honey?" When I didn't reply she gracefully found her way over to me from the kitchen.

"You're perfect. I don't have more words for how perfect you are. Seriously, everything about you is amazing and sexy and…God, I just love you so much." I could see Brittany bite her lip and if I knew one thing it's that I knew that look. Brittany was going to ravage me within the next ten seconds…tops.

"Puck…"

"Yeah?" He answered absentmindedly while eating his popcorn. She smiled at him sweetly and then stated the following:

"Get the fuck out of our house." Pucks jaw dropped.

"W-What?"

"Go figure out your pool stuff, have sex with a few MILFS, and get the hell out for at least two hours." She gave me a scandalously slow once over. "Make that six hours."

"It's eight in the morning…I don't even have any meetings until later today…"

"I don't care." She stood in front of him in a deliciously menacing fashion that instantly sparked good times in my panties. "If you don't leave right now, I will drag you out."

"WHAT? You can't be serious? I don't even have pants on!"

"I'd listen to her." I piped in.

"Oh come o…." And she picked him up; causing popcorn to go everywhere. "LET ME GO!"

"I asked you nicely to leave."

"NO YOU DIDN'T!" She got to the door, twisted the door knob, kicked it open like she was Walker Texas Ranger, and literally threw his ass out.

"OWWW! FUCK WOMAN! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" He rubbed the flat place where his butt was supposed to be.

"My girlfriend's hot." Brittany stated as if that explained everything and slammed the door shut. All that could be heard from outside the door was a mixture of "I'm so turned on right now!" and "ALPHA LESBIANS!" Brittany then opened the door again and yelled "I'm a bicorn!" and then slammed it shut once again.

"That was soooo incredibly….overwhelmingly sexy Britt-Britt. You're so strong and…." My breath was already shallow. Before I knew it she was standing right in front of me. Her jeans dropped rapidly and her manicured hand landed on top of my head. She stroked through my hair for a few seconds and I couldn't help the purr that escaped me.

"I love pussies."

"I've gathered that."

"You know what I want?" Her finger trailed its way down my jaw line and to my collarbone at a painfully slow pace.

"What do you want baby?" I knew what she wanted. My God did I know what she wanted. My Hands found her hips on their own accord. Subconsciously, I think they wanted what she had yet to say she wanted.

"You and I both know that It's done very well in Lima heights. Very…" She unzipped my hoodie and dropped it on the floor. "Very well." She dropped down to her knees and forcefully spread my legs. "But, I think it's about time I show you how the Dutch in Amsterdam get down."

And apparently they get down well there.

Or so we both heard.

Well, and the neighbors.

I suspect they heard too.