A/N: This whole fic was inspired by the following lyrics. I think they embody poor Anders and his struggle quite nicely. I did use some of the game scenes. It's hard not to. I wanted to show from the beginning to the end the subtle breakdown that occurs. This will eventually be a f!Hawke/Anders fic through the events of DA2 and beyond the end of the game. It also seemed to me that although Anders said that he couldn't in fact hold a conversation with Justice at several points it seemed as though he had or at least that he actually could. So I'm running with that.

Disclaimer: Hereby disclaimed! I do not own Dragon age or affiliated nonsense forthwith and all that rot. Not for profit just for fun! Enjoy!

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Wait, I'm coming undone
Unlaced, I'm coming undone
Too late, I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
Wait, I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate
"Coming Undone" Korn.

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The boy was near death when his mother brought him in. The illness contracted from bad food or filthy surroundings. Or the rats that are so prevalent down here in the undercity. It doesn't matter really. He needs a healer and a healer is what I am. I've been working on him for almost an hour. Chasing it from his body proves more difficult than I had anticipated but I am not one to easily admit defeat. So I meticulously cleanse him from head to foot. His breathing improves and he opens his eyes. Spent I stumble. Put a hand to my head as though it will alleviate the dizziness and disorientation. Aryk grasps my shoulder steering me toward my quarters at the back of the clinic. He'll continue on without me for a while treating the minor cases with the potions I have stockpiled. I only manage to get a few steps when everything goes quiet. The atmosphere in the clinic changes. I reach for my staff praying to Blessed Andraste for strength that I do not have.

'At ease Anders I am here if you have need.'

'Thanks but maybe you should lay low. Especially after last time.'

I turn dropping into a defensive stance my staff held out in front of me.

The overall appearance of the group I face is less threatening than the small armory they carry. I assume by her stance that the woman standing at the fore is their leader.

"We just want to talk." Her tone and body language exude a calm control. The smirk on her face says 'If I wanted to kill you you'd already be dead'.

"We're looking for a back door into the deep roads. Heard you might be able to help." The dwarf seems even more laidback than she does and even less put off by my show of aggression.

'I daresay I'd have garnered a more serious reaction.'

'Yes, well, this is better. No steaming melted bodies to clean up.'

I stow my staff but stay on my guard. "Did the wardens send you? You can tell them to sod off. Bastards made me get rid of my cat."

That catches the woman off guard and she quirks an eyebrow but lets the comment pass. "I didn't realize it was that easy to walk away from the wardens. "

"You can't really." I say feeling a little more at ease. "The deadly taint and exotic nightmares? Permanent. But….turns out if you hide well enough you don't have to wear the uniform or go to the parties."

She laughs. Deeply and without reservation. It's damn contagious.

"I'm Hawke." She says sketching a bow.

"Anders. I'd return the formality but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stand back up again. It's been a very long day."

"About our expedition…" The dwarf raises an eyebrow in question.

'Finish this quickly Anders. Daylight wanes and we've still to polish our plan for retrieving Karl. Or have you forgotten?'

'Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. I'm…..' My eyes are drawn to the blades strapped to Hawke's back. Her clothes are plain common tailoring but those blades. They look Antivan. Only someone with true skill would put out such coin for weapons over wardrobe.

"You need a map?"

"Yes." She eyes me warily.

"I have one."

"How very….foruitous."

"I'd like to make a proposal. A favor for a favor. Does that sound fair?"

"I'm fairly swooning with anticipation." She says that smirk firmly back in place.

"I came to Kirkwall to aid a friend. A mage in the Gallows. Help me free him and it's yours as well as any others that might be of use."

'Are you sure this course is wise? That woman feels like….trouble."

'She can't get us into anymore trouble than we'd get into without her. Besides steel is more discreet than magic. Particularly in the Gallows wouldn't you agree?'

"You had me at Gallows warden," she replies glancing for the barest second at the dark haired girl beside her. "Do you have a plan?"

"Yes. But better we discuss such things in a more private setting. I've quarters in the back."

'Ever the fool Anders. No good can come of this.'

I choose to ignore him. Justice and I don't always see eye to eye but it's my body and we have our own deal. He helps me free mages and I give him a home outside the fade. It's worked well so far. Except…there was that one time in Amaranthine…..

I've never had so many people in my private quarters. It's almost not large enough to accommodate. Once situated I reach behind a painting of Andraste sword held aloft and pull a map of the Gallows from a recess in the wall.

"A map for every occasion eh?" The dwarf, Varric, quips a note of approval in his voice.

"Yes," I answer dryly. "I find they come in handy when I'm running for my life."

"Have a lot of experience with that do you?"

"Does the knight commander wear iron smalls?"

He laughs as I spread the map out on a low table and begin to sketch out my plan.

Finding Karl is too easy. After the Templar had learned of my original plan I'd thought that he'd be under lock and key. He stands, his back to us, and he is all alone. I don't understand.

Until he speaks. His tone odd then he turns to me the brand on his brow blazing like the sun.

"No." My throat starts to close.

'Too late. I'm too late.'

'For him perhaps. Let us be away from here. We can return this insult at a more opportune time.'

"You'll understand Anders as soon as the Templars teach you to control yourself." Karl's face is impassive. Tranquil.

'This isn't right. He doesn't deserve this'

'And neither do we. Prepare yourself Anders it appears we have guests.'

The Templar swell out of nowhere cutting off the stairs and hemming us in like cattle for the slaughter. Hawke and her companions close ranks and draw weapons.

"No!" This can't be happening. 'Not me. Not tonight!' The anger inside me is a wellspring threatening to drown me. I fall to my knees clutching my head.

'No not tonight. Rise Anders!'

I do not respond fast enough and sensing the danger to our shared person Justice rises in my stead.

"You will never take another mage as you took him." His power surges through me raw and heady.

With grim satisfaction he unleashes our fury on the Templar. He wields our body like Hawke wields her blades full of confidence and deadly accuracy.

When there are nothing left but cooling corpses he releases me retreating back into the recesses of my mind.

'You are not yet finished Anders.'

I am not. I give Karl the mercy he seeks. The act is just another stain on my soul. I feel empty.

Back at the clinic I find a woman holding a small child and two men holding up a third who is leaking blood from a wound in his abdomen.

'It seems we will be able to do some good yet this night. The maker sees even small things Anders.'

'Is that all I'll ever be good for? The small things? I should have gotten there sooner.'

'As foresight is not one of the gifts the Maker chose to bestow upon you I fail to see how you could have done anything more. Keep this close and use it at fuel should you begin to flag.'

'Yes. Yes I will. For now… the small things.' I open the doors to the clinic and gesture the others to follow. I smile knowing it doesn't reach my eyes and speak in low soothing tones. I am grateful for the chance to lose myself for a while in the familiar cadence of healing.