Ennoshita didn't know when his and Kageyama's meetings had become a regular thing. There wasn't anything special about them, not really, but their meet-ups made both of them feel better. Sometimes it was at a coffee shop, or during a fair, or at Ennoshita's house or Kageyama's apartment. No matter where it was, it was almost always silent. They had both spent years learning to communicate things that they wanted—needed—to say but, for various reasons, couldn't, with their actions rather than their words.
And so they suffered together under the weight of the knowledge that they were in love and it would never amount to anything. For Kageyama, it was his best friend, who was in love with someone else. He'd shown up at Ennoshita's doorstep one night nearing tears because Hinata had started dating "that stupid blonde beanpole." In Ennoshita's eyes, he didn't see how Tsukishima, who had never said a good thing about Hinata publicly, deserved the little ball of sunshine, but it wasn't something that he could help with. Kageyama had hated every second of it, and Ennoshita knew that the setter would be so much better for Hinata than Tsukishima, but he stayed silent. After all, that was what he was best at.
For Ennoshita, he was in love with a complete stranger. Really, he doubted that Kuroo Tetsurou even knew he existed. And yet, he was so much something that Ennoshita wanted to at least be a part of. Kuroo was smart and so kind to his team and so incredibly gentle with other people's emotions that it was almost scary. Not to mention that he was intuitive beyond belief. His looks barely even played a part in Ennoshita's desire. But… Ennoshita was a background player, a supporter. Not someone who Kuroo would turn his attentions to, especially not when he was so smitten with his little dyed-blonde friend who always had his nose stuck in a game. Ennoshita, as much as he hated to admit it, was jealous of Kozume Kenma because damn it if he wasn't the luckiest man alive.
Once they headed off to separate colleges, the only time Ennoshita saw Kageyama was on TV during a volleyball game. He'd gone pro, unsurprisingly, with Hinata. He was a little upset that he didn't have anyone who understood his situation, but Ennoshita decided that as long as Kageyama was happy, it would be okay.
It was for this reason that Ennoshita was surprised when Kageyama showed up at his front door in the middle of the night in nothing but a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants in tears.
Ennoshita's first thought was to get him out of the cold. It was midwinter and that outfit could not be doing anything good for the temperature of Kageyama's fingers. Alarmed, Ennoshita realized that he wasn't even wearing shoes. He pulled Kageyama inside immediately, worried by how much he was shaking, and set him in front of the fireplace. He wrapped Kageyama's feet in four pairs of socks and then draped as many blankets as he could find in his apartment around him. At some point between the last of the blankets and when Ennoshita returned with a cup of hot chocolate, Kageyama had stopped crying and started to stare numbly at the fire. Ennoshita sat beside him and handed him the mug; Kageyama glanced sideways at the other and nodded his silent thanks. Ennoshita let him relax for a few minutes, sipping the hot chocolate and staring off into space.
"Kageyama, what happened?" Ennoshita tried to be gentle, but Kageyama still flinched.
He bowed his head and didn't respond for a few seconds. When he did, his voice was low and soft enough that Ennoshita had to lean forward to hear.
"He's getting married. Hinata told me that – that Tsukishima p-proposed to him last night."
Kageyama sounded like he was going to start crying again. Ennoshita immediately set his mug down on the carpet beside him and leaned forward to wrap his arms tightly around his friend. He had gotten over his unrequited crush only a few months ago, when he swore that his pining over Kuroo Tetsurou would no longer control his life. He knew that he was only remotely successful because he never actually saw Kuroo anymore, so he didn't have the constant exposure that Kageyama did. On top of that, Kageyama was best friends with Hinata, whereas Ennoshita had just been admiring from afar. Ennoshita couldn't imagine how much pain Kageyama was no doubt in; there was no way that he was anything sort of agonizing over the fact that the love of his life was marrying someone else. Ennoshita didn't know what to say.
"I'm so sorry, Kageyama." Was the only thing that Ennoshita could force out of his dry throat. Kageyama shook his head and sniffled, leaning into Ennoshita's embrace.
"It isn't your fault. I just… I wish I could tell him."
Ennoshita paused and sighed softly, pulling Kageyama closer. With any luck, the contact was some comfort. "You know… you should tell him. He deserves to know, Tobio."
Kageyama tensed, then sighed and melted into Ennoshita. "You're right," he mumbled against Ennoshita's shoulder. "You're right. I need to tell him."
Kageyama stayed the night and left early the next morning. Ennoshita didn't plan on seeing him again; he figured Kageyama was a big boy and would take care of what he needed to do. If there was one thing to be said about Kageyama it was that he was far from a coward.
A week later found Kageyama again at Ennoshita's doorstep, this time dry-eyed and in a suit. He looked numb. Again Ennoshita let him in without a word and curled up with him on the couch, a reassuring hand on Kageyama's shoulder. It was Kageyama who broke the silence.
"I couldn't do it." His voice was quiet and agonized, full of so much hopeless despair that something inside Ennoshita broke. Kageyama was suffering so much and Ennoshita knew that this time, there was nothing he could do to help. "I couldn't tell him. I just… He looked so god damned happy and I just… I couldn't crush that. I couldn't do it. I'm sorry."
The apology brought Ennoshita up short. "Sorry for what, Tobio? There's nothing for you to apologize for."
Kageyama turned to stare Ennoshita straight in the eye, his gaze unwavering but emotionless. "I have everything to apologize for. I spent so many years depending on you to keep me together, and then didn't even bother to keep contact after high school. And then I showed up in the middle of the night at your apartment with no warning and no explanation as to how I found you. And now… And now I'm just going to get in the way of your life again because I'll be damned if this isn't the closest thing I've had to support in years!"
As Kageyama's tirade continued, his voice rose to a near shout. Ennoshita leaned back, vaguely surprised. When he was finished, Kageyama deflated and slumped down, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. The shaking of his shoulders made it obvious that he was trying not to cry and failing.
Ennoshita scooted forward and gathered Kageyama close, letting him cry. Kageyama didn't protest. Ennoshita knew that he had every right to be mad at Kageyama – he had just listed the reasons – but he couldn't. Kageyama had been through so much over the years, had been betrayed so many times over again by both willing and unaware parties, that Ennoshita couldn't even begin to be even remotely upset. Kageyama deserved safety and kindness, not the emotional hell that he seemed to be stuck in.
Ennoshita murmured soft things to Kageyama as he cried. I'll always be here, Ennoshita whispered, Kageyama's body trembling in his arms. You're safe here. You're not a burden. You deserve the best, really. It isn't your fault.
Kageyama cried himself to sleep, eventually. Ennoshita laid him out on the couch, not wanting to move him too much lest he wake, and draped a blanket over him. Kageyama looked so relaxed and untroubled asleep; Ennoshita didn't really notice how much pain Kageyama showed visibly until it was gone.
The tiny tugs on Ennoshita's heart only made it more painful to watch Kageyama come undone. He had known for a while, he supposed, that it wasn't Kuroo he wanted, but he didn't want to admit to what he knew was going on. Kageyama deserved the best, and Ennoshita was far from the best.
There's nothing you can do, Chikara. Just keep your mouth shut.
Ennoshita leaned down and pressed a lingering feather-light to Kageyama's forehead; he didn't even stir. Sighing softly, Ennoshita stood and padded back to his bedroom. He would admit it, maybe, but he'd never act on it. Kageyama was more important. Ennoshita swore to stay silent for as long as it lasted.
After all, that was what he did best.