A/N: Part seven in my series.
Sirius' thoughts, finally.
Disclaimer: I own only the characters you don't recognize.
The characters you recognize are J.K Rowling's.
The song is by The Hoobastank.
The Reason
Sirius just sat there, staring at the door that Liz had run out. He blinked, trying to process what had just happened.
"Like for example when they change secret-keepers?No! Why in the world would anyone want to talk about that? Why would you want to talk about that? 'Cause it doesn't matter now does it, Sirius?"
Sirius shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. The anger, the bitterness in her eyes! He had seen it before; it was when a couple of Slytherin scums were bullying a first year muggle-born in the fifth floor corridor. They had him in the air, upside down and were taunting him, calling him filthy names. One of them was about to throw a hex at the poor kid when Liz had walked in and single-handedly disarmed the 4 guys, without physically harming them and stalked off with their wands to Professor McGonagall. She hadn't said a word; her eyes had said it all. It was the first time Sirius had noticed her, and she had looked gorgeous. Glossy bangs from her shoulder length mid-night black hair were falling in her vivid blue eyes which were blazing with anger. She was breathing slightly heavily, taking in oxygen from her mouth, her thin slightly pink lips; he had wondered what it would have been like to kiss those lips. Her right hand was clenched into a tiny fist as she waved her wand with her left hand and he was amazed at how fast her right fist unclenched and deftly caught the wands she had summoned. She was tiny, well technically she was five feet five inches, but to a six feet four inch guy that is in fact tiny, with a thin frame, wearing worn jeans that were torn from the knees and places in her thigh, and she was wearing a black Beatles t-shirt. He was captivated.
Sirius shifted in his seat, and took a sip of his now cold coffee.
"Did you stop to think for a minute what would happen to me? I was all alone, Sirius, all because of you. My whole world ripped apart Sirius, all because of you."
"That's when I realized that I never really had you. Our relationship was just something that was convenient for you. You thought me to be some kind of a cage. Tell me, did Azkaban seem like a better option?"
He let out the breath he didn't know he had been holding. Her words were running through his head, and hearing them over and over again was just as painful as when he first heard them from her. And to think he was the reason she had said all of it, he had caused the pain that was now a permanent shadow in her eyes.
I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
"I realized that our relationship was a failure. I was a failure."
"I loved you. I always did. I don't think I did a good job of showing it, or things would have been different."
"I would have been different."
The tears in her voice, helplessness and permanent sadness etched in her eyes, the pursed lips to prevent the tears from falling. The last time he had seen her like this was when Lily and James had decided have a secret keeper, when they had gone into hiding. The fact that she couldn't do anything to keep the people she loved from harm's way was something Liz couldn't handle. Liz hated helplessness.
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
That was one of the many things Sirius had learnt about Liz. She hated being called Lizzie (the only person who could get away with his life after calling her that was Dumbledore) she hated peas and the colour pink with a passion. She hated the dark and clowns (Sirius was pretty sure she had a phobia of the two). She loved the rain and music; the smell of fresh mud and walking in wet grass. The fact that she wasn't a morning person was perhaps the understatement of the century; she hated mornings with a passion, he remembered the number of times Lily and the rest of her dorm mates would grumble about the new alarm that Liz had broken in her annoyance at being made to get up in the morning. She was very loyal and loved her people to death. Her people, well that was the thing with Liz, she wasn't very social. Everyone knew her and liked her, but she had a close group of friends who she knew and loved. Liz was always wary of letting people get too close to her, wary of making new friends. Yet somehow he had gotten close enough, too close from the looks of it.
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
Sirius let out a deep sigh. She thought he didn't love her. She thought she hadn't done a good job of letting him know that she was always there, that she cared, that she loved him. The very thought was so ridiculous that when Liz had said it he had wanted to get up and shake some sense into her. Of course he loved and trusted her, heck he was pretty sure he still did.
I found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
She was the one person along with James and Remus whom he trusted with his life. Sirius was never the one for serious commitments or even relationships, in fact Sirius kept away from the dating scene altogether 'cause he figured he was too complicated to 'date'. But then Liz had come along, his Laye, and things had changed. He had become like James was when Lily refused to go out with him (he was a little, okay, a lot more subtle than James and hid his feelings really well, but it wasn't like he didn't feel it).
But when they had actually started to date, it was nothing like Sirius thought dating would be like. She was his friend, his confidante whom he could kiss and with whom he could hold hands. Albeit, it had been a little hard in the beginning, but they soon overcame the walls each had built about themselves and were having the times of their lives.
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
He knew what he had done was wrong. And he had to live with it every day of his life, that's what Azkaban had been; a place for penance. The guilt and the anger he had towards himself haunted him almost every waking minute he spent in the wizard prison; he thought about his actions and what he could have done by day and the guilt and self-anger came back to haunt him in his dreams. Not for one minute did Sirius forget the magnanimity of his actions. But he knew that did the same thing happen again, he would react the same way he did the first time. Just like Sirius loved Liz, he loved James too. James was his brother. Sirius had come to Hogwarts a haunted eleven year old. Ostracized by his family for his beliefs and ideals, the boy had begun to accept what his family told him just so he would be accepted again, just so someone would love him again. But then he had met James. James had trusted him and loved him, most of all accepted him for who he was and not shunned him just because he was a 'Black'. James had then introduced him to Remus and Peter, and together the four had found in each other what people spend a lifetime looking for, acceptance and brotherly love for who they were. And when he had found out that Peter had so cold heartedly sold out James and Lily, that Peter hadn't stop to think before letting a mad man kill an innocent baby, his blood had boiled. When he had found out that the person who had introduced him to a new life, the person who had made his seven years in school and even later the best years one could ever ask for, was dead, Sirius hadn't stopped for a moment till he had killed the person who was responsible for James' death. Selfish and wrong as it might sound, he had not in fact thought of Liz. Not because he didn't want to, but just like so many others that day Sirius' world too had fallen apart and he handled it the best way he knew how too. Not one day went by when he didn't wished he had the strength to go back and do things differently, but that was just not possible. Also Sirius knew, that had the same thing happened to Liz he would have the done the same thing for her, not caring about the others.
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
The tears in her eyes; Liz never cried. After being through everything that she had been through, she knew how to control her tears. Not that she thought that tears were a sign of weakness, but she just didn't break that easily. But today, today she had jut crumbled. One look in her eyes and it had broken Sirius' heart. There was just too much pain in those eyes. There was nothing more that Sirius wanted than to kiss that pain away.
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
Sirius got up from his seat and began to pace the room. Yes, James was the one who had sowed the seed of hope in Sirius' heart, but it was Liz who had nurtured and tended to it.
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
She had made him reach out and grab her hand, whereas James was the one who had taken Sirius by his.
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
James had to make Sirius believe in him, it had taken quite some time before Sirius had accepted James for a friend, before he truly believed that James was here for good.
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
With Liz, Sirius was a new person, he was the one who had initiated their friendship, and he was the one who had reached out, something he had never done before. As cheesy as it might sound, she made him was to be a different, better person.
He remembered the little thing they had shared in the three years that they had been a couple; the walks around the Great Lake and later in Hyde Park when then moved in together after her seventh year.
I found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
How scary she was in the morning and how in hope to have an alarm clock to wake him up in the morning, Sirius had to keep the alarm next to him and with utmost care and a kiss or two he had to wake her up; no one believed that Sirius Black wasn't a morning person himself.
I found a reason to show
The side of me you didn't know
And to think that he didn't feel that! She was the one person who had seen him cry, in whose arms he had cried. She had understood without him telling her the helplessness and the sadness he had felt at the loss of his brother. She knew the fear he held every time he walked into the hell-hole he once called home. She knew the side of him that no one else knew, that Sirius would never show anyone else.
A reason for all that I do
All he had to do now was to find her and explain all this to her. He might not get another chance with her, but he was sure as hell going to make her understand that he loved her and he hadn't done anything with the intention to hurt her. She was his strength, his courage; she was his reason for living.
And the reason is you
A/N: I have been waiting to write this one for a really long time now.
Hope you liked it.
Let me know.