Summary: Jake and Francis love their mother to pieces and hence abide by her every command, however absurd and inconvenient on their parts. Setting out to fulfill a complicated request, the brothers find early on that it can only be achieved by feigning good-natured guises to lure two lawful women into their crafty trap. Pre-Movie. Jake/OC, Francis/OC.
A/N: I wrote a bunch of chapters for this work several years ago, but never got the whole plot fleshed out in part due to weakened motivation in seeing this fandom grow so quiet. I can understand why that is, and maybe it'll glow a bit again once the 35th or 40th anniversary of its release comes along, however I've decided to just go ahead and maybe post a lot of what I have finished now. I may finish at some point. I will post what chapters I have periodically, once or twice a week, see if anybody checks them out. No harm in just putting it up after all. It's just been sitting in dust in my files for too long...
Also, this is a Fratelli-centric fic. The Goonies themselves only have a short role, and that'll be many chapters ahead when our crooks get around to interrogating Chunk followed by their underground treasure hunt.
Standard Introductory Disclaimer: I do not own The Goonies. Rights to Donner, Spielberg and other film writers. I do own Ramona Hersden and Lucille Saxe. When recognizable quotes from the movie show up in later chapters, you'll know they're not mine.
Might be re-rated M later on for mature language and themes. Any feedback is highly appreciated.
Chapter 1
Anything for Ma
April, 1985
Brothers and collaborators in criminality Francis and Jake Fratelli had both worshiped their mother from infancy. Her being their sole provider and guide in living desperado-style was reason enough for the perpetual faith they held for her. However, one day when she, out of the blue, sat them down in their hideout and current home: a deserted, run-down restaurant on the Pacific Coast of Astoria, Oregon, for a lecture on how very responsible they were for seeing to the continuation of the Fratelli generations, either man felt that they'd spent an excessive amount of time with the aging bird. Fatherhood was far from landing on either's agenda.
"C'mon, Mama. You can't expect us to reproduce," Jake, her middle son, scoffed, "what, with the kind of life we run? It's a bit dramatic for a little shit to take in, eh?"
"Maybe so, my boy, but didn't I raise you two just superbly teaching you the principles I did?" Mama said, spit-shining a dirty mug to fill it up with rum and hand it to her eldest, Francis.
"Of course, Mother!" either brother exclaimed in unison. The consequence for even thinking about disagreeing was probably drastic.
Mama's smirk intensified the wrinkles in her haggard face. "Right, so what's the problem here?" She eyed her sons suspiciously. "Neither of you are fruity, are ya?"
Both tisked heartily. "Absolutely not, Ma!"
"Well, I'm getting up there, and so are you two. Francis, you turned thirty-six February, and, Jacob, you're gonna be thirty-five December. Why, I harbored and pushed you boys out before I was thirty."
"But wasn't Pa in his forties when—oof!"
"We're not supposed to talk about him, you retard!" Francis scolded, having punched Jake in the gut.
"Hey, now! That word's prohibited in here!" Mama snapped, reflectively lamenting her youngest son's unusual and tragic birth defect. "I hear either of you call your brother down there that again, no matter what stupid crap he shows off, it's the wood chipper for your willies!"
Both nodded in submission, gulping. Francis nor Jake were clued in to what happened to their father Joseph Fratelli when he suddenly vanished after Ma's and his quarrel took a spin for hell one winter day back in 1960. In spite of the copious mass of ground mystery meat that was fed to the hounds over the following couple of weeks, neither boy dared to question their old man's whereabouts or becomings. It'd been gruesomely apparent at any rate.
Mama sighed, lumbering around the counter to slump on the stool beside Francis. "We Fratellis are dying out. It's just me, you boys,—"
"Sloth," Jake interposed from his table chair. "The defective monstrosity he is, he'd make a better dad than France or me, truth be told."
"Jacob! What the hell did I just get done tellin' you?!"
"You know it's true, Ma," Jake defended. "The oaf's as innocent as they come. Never even hurt a fly. Now, him and I," he pointed to his older, bespectacled brother, "we're fresh from stuffing Mr. Prim in the freezer."
Francis scowled. "But just who would spread her legs for that—ow! Sorry, I'm sorry, Mama!"
Mama's slightly throbbing right palm returned to her side. "That's my final warning to both of ya! But thank ya for bringing that issue to light, my dear! Aye, just who would copulate with my bashful, helpless third?"
"We could always snatch a random girl off a street corner," Francis suggested with wicked sincerity. "She's all by herself and vulnerable, we knock her out and bring her back here. It's about time Lotney lose his virginity anyway."
"You boys really think he'd take advantage of her like that?" Mama snorted. "He's not anything like you fellas. He's a good boy."
"Wouldn't bet he'd know where to stick it anyhow..." Jake said. "Doubt he's even potent enough to impregnate-"
"Cram it!" Mama's arms were flexed, hands crumpled into shaking fists, teeth grinding. "It's up to you two to sow your seeds and ensure our family line's progression, period."
"Oh, but aren't we too scary for this town's sweet, moral honeys?" Jake said pointedly. His purpose for helping himself to the occasional hooker rather than bother with a committed relationship with some pretty girl was not for nothing.
Mama considered his words for the first time since commencing this discussion, though she'd always done so minimally. "If you boys are smart and can dupe a gal like I hope you can, then what's there to worry?"
"Please, I couldn't even try to better my morals just to woo a bitch," Francis admitted. "Would be pointless. I only know how to live one way and it's not to do with society's norm." He patted the wad of counterfeits in his pants' left pocket. "I wouldn't change this lifestyle for diddly squat."
"Something's to change, alright!" Mama howled, her tolerance thinning quick. "Don't either of you get me wrong, we are who we are, but mark my words, more of us are to spawn awful damn soon here, ya boys understand?"
"Yes, Ma!" the brothers replied, yielding.
She shook her head in disbelief and annoyance. "Acting like a couple of nervous adolescents, you are. Hesitant to find women and settle down...That's where your late daddy fell short, the deadbeat bastard."
"Whoa now, Mama, I can get a lady. Any lady I desire," Jake spoke up coolly.
"Glad to see you've begun to take me seriously, sweetheart." She switched a stern eye onto Francis. "I do hope you pull your head outta your ass, too, Fran—"
A roar not unlike a chorus of a hundred choking bears echoed into the room from the depths downstairs, cutting her off.
"COMING, MY BOY!" She made for the fridge to grab her incarcerated man-child's lunch of spam. Ripping the metal lid off with her bare right hand, she tromped towards the basement, dismissing them with, "What're ya waitin' for? You best not be loitering about when I return!"
Jake and Francis boogied outside for the family jeep, more hellbent on bearing kids of their own than ever before.
"You know I love Ma, but sometimes, just sometimes, I contemplate beating it." Jake sighed out a puff of smoke. "Could lay low in the outskirts of this one town by Corvallis, give Ma a call every so often."
"Keep dreaming," Francis snickered. "No way in hell Ma would condone that."
"What if I don't always give a flying fuck what she wants or thinks of me?" He flicked his cigarette stub out the window. "What she's requesting of us now is goddamn ludicrous."
"Don't feed me that bullshit, Jake. We're both pathetically devoted to her."
"I'm not cut out to be a pop. Kids irk the hell out of me, and they do you, too." Jake presented the horizon off in the distance with a grimace. "We're chilly down to the bone, but are we twisted enough to ruin some broad's life?"
"Dunno about you, but I'm fine with it." Francis shrugged. He could speak for how many women from bars and strip clubs he'd drugged and defiled. Jake differed in his mildly higher conscience and respect for the opposite gender.
"You want a baby to occupy our whole schedule day in and day out? From the sounds of it, she is wanting us both breeding in the near future, so make that two dependent tykes."
Francis agreed strongly with his sibling and best friend, but really, what could he do? "You can go ahead and try to persuade Ma otherwise. Be my guest."
"I wouldn't if my life depended on it."
"That's wise, recognizing, and even harder than that, accepting, that Ma rules us." Francis sighed. "Will till she kicks the bucket."