Crash Into You
To Note: This was originally written a long time ago, and it's still very much dedicated to Superkawaiifreak and all her infinite patience and dealing with my random tantrums that result in me deleting all my work.
The more explicit version of this story is on AO3.
You know how you wake up in the morning and your only dilemma is what you're going to wear that day, how long before school starts, that homework you didn't finish, or worrying about seeing someone you just broke up with?
I don't have those dilemmas.
I don't have daddy or mommy issues. I don't have exes hounding on my reputation and trying to get back together with me. I don't make up rumours or start drama.
I live simplistically, which is more than I can say for the people around me. I, myself, am not so simplistic though. I think I choose to live the way I do because inside I feel like a bomb ticking down – too much excitement, I'll explode. So, I strayed away from alcohol and drugs in high school. During my teenage years I was just… Axel. The most exciting thing about me was my bestowed-upon-me-genetically bright red hair.
But that gets boring.
High school finished, and the most exciting thing I ever did was going to a school dance and accidentally taking a swig of spiked Kool-Aid. I didn't lose my virginity. I never touched a single ounce of weed. I don't even think I had a real kiss except when it was on a dare at someone's birthday party – I don't even remember who it was with. I never rebelled against my parents. I held a decent job that made me good money. I worked my ass off to get good grades to get into an exceptional university with a great scholarship. I had plenty of friends, but none close enough to know the real me – to know the bottled-up tension and built up frustration after years of 'perfection' and simplicity.
And then the rebellious stage came.
It was during my second year of University. I was sick of my program. I was sick of my mundane life. When was I going to use anthropology in the real world? I had no idea where I was going with it. I hated it. I fucking hated going to class, so I stopped going. I dropped out right before my fall exams, effectively losing my scholarship. Looking back, I know it was stupid. I should've just changed my degree. Regrets aside, I dropped out. I wanted more fun in my life. Socially, I felt compounded. I had my friends who only cared about school and were likely to make more money than I ever would. On the contrary, I also had friends I barely kept in contact with that could introduce me to a whole new world if I wanted.
I think it was a pretty obvious choice who I went to during this stage.
The first time I went out drinking – it was a pure joy ride. I don't remember any of it; all I have for memories are the pictures on my computer. Demyx and Sora were the ones to drag out the life in me. They didn't even care that I hadn't kept in touch for two years; their arms were completely outstretched for me when I met them at the club. They were more than happy to oblige to provide the most drunken night of my life. The drinks started slow, I had no idea what I was doing. I couldn't stand how strong some of those drinks tasted – nowadays I don't even notice. Sora decided to give me some fruity drinks, and by the time I was tipsy enough, he started forcing shots down my throat. Every concrete thought in my mind was gone. Everything was lightheaded and exciting. The lights were brighter, the music was more entrancing, and everyone was so attractive and appealing. I felt like alcohol made everything in the world seem five hundred percent better.
I'm sure you can see where this is headed.
But it's not like that; I didn't exactly start a problem. It was just a stage. An alcohol-thrill-rush-induced stage. Sora and Demyx weren't exactly in school either, so we went out almost every night, when neither of us were working. I had somehow picked up a decent job at a bar – how ideal for this stage. So really, it wasn't like everyday we were going out. Most nights weren't that great – just us forgetting the world like idiots. Marching down streets downtown singing songs nobody knew but us. Then there was the night we all decided to get tattoos. Legally, a decent tattoo artist doesn't scar drunken people, but somehow, we found someone who would. We probably pretended like we were sober, but I'm sure they figured we weren't and said to hell with it. I woke up the next morning with fucking upside-down tear drops under my eyes. I don't even remember why the hell I would want them. I hate it when people ask me, what does it mean? I don't even have an answer. Maybe one day they'll have some sort of symbolism so that I don't have to keep saying it was a drunken mistake. Sora got a paopu fruit on his hip. Demyx got a sitar on his shoulder. At least they could hide theirs, and even if they don't, they both had reasons for their tattoos.
Our recklessness was just starting.
Tattoos were just the beginning. When getting drunk and acting like idiots got old, we started trying to meet people. We started to experiment. We made a pact that so long as we stay together the whole night, we'll do anything someone asks. Just as an example, Demyx met this guy who turned out to be a big drug dealer, and the guy asked Demyx if we wanted a good time. Demyx said yes, and we ended up snorting coke and having our first one-night stands. As long as we woke up in the morning in one piece and together, that's all we cared about. We hardly cared about destroying our liver, or the stats that one pill of ecstasy could kill you. We just didn't care. One night stands started to happen a lot. It seemed like we were doing everything possible to make our lives as vibrant as we could. I should've cared more about Sora getting so thin and Demyx looking so bruised, but everything was a haze. We hardly noticed our bodies withering away until it was too late, but lucky for them they found their silver linings. Sora found Riku. Demyx found Zexion. Their complete opposites, their perfect counterparts, they were somehow able to tame the wild brunette and the crazed blonde. The two went back to school and got real jobs, effectively losing all interest in drunken nights and lusting after nobodies.
I'm still a dog off its leash.
I can't say that I'm not happy for them, I was ecstatic, but going out alone was tough. I hated the feeling like I was a loner, with nothing to love but the drinks handed to me, and the strangers that took me home. There was no pact anymore. I walked home alone. I went out alone. I worked the bar alone. Demyx and Sora had successfully grown out of their stage and were happy, as well as healthy. There was colour to their faces, real smiles. I never noticed how bad we had gotten until I compared our faces in a picture.
We had all gone to the beach, and while Sora and Demyx equally looked like they were having the time of their lives, all I wanted to do was have a drink and fuck something. In the picture, I was the only one not smiling. I was disgustingly pale, with sleep deprived eyes that had biggest bags I'd ever seen. I don't understand how people could find me so attractive. Sora and Demyx had the largest smiles on their faces, like they were the happiest people in the world – all because they had the best boyfriends in the world.
I don't see them very much anymore for the sole fact I feel pretty worthless when I'm with them. Their futures look so bright while mine looks so dim. I continue my one night stands, not once worrying about potential diseases or the people I'm getting involved with, not once caring about the number of drugs I hide in my car, or the amount of money I spend on alcohol. If I had ever kept track of my money I probably would've realized the amount I made just barely covered what I spent. I don't know how I ever made rent, or had enough money to buy food. My parents didn't support my recklessness. They tried their interventions. They tried to make me see that life was worth living some other way, but none of that mattered to me. Even Sora and Demyx's annoying rants didn't stop me from the way I was living.
And then he came along.
"Hey, can I get a drink?"
Have you ever heard a voice that you just wanted to hear over and over again? As I turned around, glass in hand, rubbing off any excess water with the dish cloth in my other hand; I couldn't help the glint of lust that totally caught me off guard gazing down at this… kid?
"You seem a bit young for a drink, kid." I said with a smirk, watching him twitch in his seat. He kept his confidence though, looking back at me with a hard stare.
"My ID says otherwise." The kid pulled it out, practically throwing it towards me. He was twenty-two with the looks of a sixteen-year-old. His shaggy dirty blond hair complimented his tan skin, his looks could easily turn a straight person gay, and his bright eyes only added to his addictive visage.
"I can't serve to minors, sorry." I took my time wiping the glass clean, even though it's been cleaned since the first wipe.
"Listen you old fart, my ID says twenty-two, as far as you're concerned I'm twenty-two. I've had a tough week, so do yourself a favour and get me a shot or you won't like me pissed off."
That caught me off-guard. Kid's got spunk. "Listen, kid, as far as you're concerned I'm only twenty-four, and you should realize that I have complete authority to not serve you anything if I really don't want to. So far, I'm leaning towards the not a single drop side."
"It's not hard to walk across the street to another bar."
"I don't see that tight ass moving."
"I figured you needed the business."
"Business is just fine without you, babe."
"My ID isn't fake, just give me a drink."
"I'll give you a drink when you tell me what's been so tough about your week."
"I don't think that's any of your business." The kid's glare almost hurt.
"If you want a drink it is."
"What's your deal?"
"You shouldn't drown your problems in alcohol; it's not a healthy way to live. Been there, done that."
"Obviously still doing that." My lip twitched. He was fast with his remarks. I felt like I was standing across from my duplicate – someone with the exact same sick humour and sarcasm as me, except a foot shorter with looks that could kill. "Are you going to give me a drink or not? That bar across the street is looking more and more appealing."
"The most appealing thing in this city is standing right in front of you."
"I beg to differ." A silence fell between us, each staring at one another, the kid with a glare and an unreadable expression as I offered a smile.
"I'm Axel." I held out my hand expecting a mutual hand shake, however he took this time to snatch his ID from the counter and stand from the bar stool.
"Great." As quickly as he had shown up, he was walking away from the bar.
"Kid, relax, I'll get you a drink." I called, him pausing mid-step. He turned around cautiously, taking his time getting back to the counter. "I was just joking with you."
"I wasn't laughing." He climbed onto the bar stool, pointing towards the vilest vodka on the shelf. "I want four shots."
"Are you sure your petite frame can handle that?" I smirked, grabbing the bottle as well as four shot glasses, expertly carrying them over to the blond.
"I'm sure." He watched as I poured the vodka into the glasses, not letting any overfill or spill. He tipped the first shot back against his lips, clenching his eyes shut and holding his nose closed with his free hand as he gulped the whole thing down first try.
"Do you want any chase to wash it down?" The kid shook his head from side to side, his throat probably stinging from the taste.
"I'm good." In less than three minutes he downed the other three shots, by the last one he didn't seem to need to hold his nose. "Can I get four more?"
"After you tell me what's up." I held the vodka arms length away as he reached for it. "I'm the only one allowed to pour, drunkie."
"Do you get paid for being an obnoxious ass?" The blond asked with an annoyed expression. I was surprised he wasn't slurring his words yet, and his reach for the bottle wasn't drunkenly at all. Kid wasn't new to this.
"I get tips for my winning personality, so I guess being an obnoxious ass has some sort of effect." I poured him the next four shots, watching him down them quickly, yet maintaining his composure. "Gonna tell me your name?"
"No. You really should've checked my ID when you had the chance." The blond winked, his mood seemed particularly lightened after the shots. He tossed me a few twenties, "keep the change."
"You just gave me a forty-dollar tip." I said astonished as I paid out the shots and glanced at the remainder.
"I guess your winning personality won me over." He called out as he didn't even stagger towards the bar door and walked out. I figured I had just met–and lost–someone I could've had a budding relationship with. Beautiful, snarky, sarcastic, humorous, and a sweet body to go with it, and yet I just passed it up. He was already long gone and I didn't get a name or a phone number. Normally I left the bar with one, or both… tonight I was leaving with nothing.
I didn't even mind. It would've been a shot to my ego on any other occasion, but this blond left me wanting more. I didn't care that I didn't have someone to take home that night because all I wanted to do was find him and learn more about him. I didn't care so much about fucking the kid; in all honesty, I wanted to find out more and more about him instead. So, when I went to bed at four in the morning he was on my mind, and when I woke up in the morning he was still on my mind. When I went to work, I was hoping he'd show up again, and when he didn't I was thoroughly disappointed. I can't say I ever felt more let down about something that the other party didn't even know I was anticipating.
The next few weeks I went to work hoping he'd be there. I couldn't explain why it was so important to me, it just was. I just felt compelled to know more and more and more… and the longer I had to wait, the more need and want grew. I missed his face, his voice, and his jerk comebacks. I'd only known the kid for an hour, and he was already a permanent element in my life. It had been eight weeks since I'd seen him last though, and my hope was waning.
"Looking for some fun, Ax?" I hate seeing this woman. She comes in every Friday night, and although I regretfully let her enjoy a one-night stand with me, once upon a time, she insists on more. Every Friday she flirts and begs and wears the most revealing clothing. It's so difficult not to say 'if you weren't such a slut, maybe you'd be married by now.' She must be like thirty-five. I can't say I've ID'd her, just for the reason she looks that old. It was a bad choice to ever get involved with her, but I didn't know that at the time.
"Sorry, got plans." I said non-chalantly, and she scoffed.
"You've always got plans." She barfed down the rest of her drink.
Soon, closing time came around and after receiving one last request from the ugly cougar; I was wiping the counter down and closing the caps on the liquor. The bell attached to the door to the bar rang, and without turning around, I yelled, "Sorry, bar's closed!"
"What if a kid needs a drink?"
My heart almost caught in my throat. "Depends on the kid, can I see some ID?"
"What? Don't remember me?" The sultry tone continued, and I turned to see he was already seated at my counter, leaning over it slightly. "I could've sworn you would."
"What makes you think that?" He tossed me his ID and I took the opportunity to memorize it. Enough of it that wouldn't seem creepy anyways… "Oh right, you're that kid. Sorry, my recall would've been better had you not waited two months to come back, Roxas."
"Damn." Roxas snatched his ID away, pocketing it quickly. "I'm a busy guy."
"Busy kid." I corrected smoothly, and turned around to pull the vodka from last time off the shelf. "Listen, I have to help lock up but if you wait you can have the whole bottle and I'll walk you home, sound good?"
"How long is it going to take?" Roxas asked, pulling out his phone from his pocket.
"Like half an hour."
"I'm only promising to finish off the bottle."
"At least leave me your number or something if you leave." I wasn't even thinking about how this all sounded. I just didn't want to lose another chance. I didn't even know what kind of chance I was getting now.
"What's got you so desperate for my attention?"
"I want to know more about you, blondie. Is that so hard to understand?" I walked around the counter and stood next to his bar stool. We were easily at eye level with the height of the chair. He never answered my question, kind of just stared at me like he was examining every emotion going through my eyes. It was slightly unnerving, but I didn't mind his gorgeous cerulean eyes boring into mine. I dared to place my hand against his knee, "I'll be back in max half an hour."
He nodded, a slight tinge of pink to his cheeks, as I ran around to the front of the bar where the restaurant was to help them with floats and clean-up. My heart was racing, fluttering in excitement. I started pushing the waitresses to hurry up with the sweeping, and in less than half an hour the doors were locked and everyone was gone. My grin was wider than it had ever been as I walked to the bar, my optimism at an all-time high.
"Hey Roxy, all finished!" The pet name rolled off my tongue before I had time to catch it. I walked through the archway and paused. He wasn't where I left him, the bottle of vodka was on the counter, completely empty. I rushed around the room to the washrooms. "Roxas?" No answer. I pushed open all the stall doors and my frown grew tenfold. I walked back out to the bar, my optimism completely gone.
"Well he only promised to drink the vodka…" I sat on the bar stool I last saw him on, teetering the empty bottle back and forth. I guess I wasn't really getting a chance. I just got my hopes up for nothing. I looked at the bottle in my hand, desperately wanting to throw it against a wall. He could've stayed… What was with him? I felt like a total loser, chasing after someone that didn't even want anything to do with me, he was just taking advantage of my flirtations. I looked around the counter. He didn't even leave me his number. He didn't leave anything. I swear I was crushing on a ghost or something; one second he's there, the next he's gone.
"Let me get this straight, you're infatuated with some kid you've only seen twice who doesn't seem to even want to give you the time of day?" Demyx looked towards Sora with a smirk on his face, the brunette glared at him slightly. Before I had a chance to answer, Demyx was in a fit of laughter. "Seriously Axel! You could do better."
"Demyx… don't be so mean." Sora stated sourly. "At least he's trying."
"He's seen this kid twice in four months and Axel thinks he's in love with him, that's a little extreme." Demyx chuckled again, "I'm not trying to be mean, I'm being realistic. It's great that you're not interested in the whole fuck everything that moves thing anymore, but chasing after some guy you probably won't ever see again isn't a great replacement. You don't know anything about him, Ax!"
"But I want to know more about him." I probably couldn't sound more pathetic than I did right then. I had coughed up the courage to finally go talk to Demyx and Sora about this, and the blond was laughing in my face and the brunette kept looking at me disapprovingly.
"All you have is his name and age, and he knows how to handle his liquor. It just doesn't sound very promising." Sora shook his head slightly.
I clenched my fists over top of my knees, regretting going to see them. "You guys are supposed to be my best friends. When you both met the 'loves of your lives', I full-heartedly supported you two through it, because I knew it would be best for the both of you. Now I'm the one that needs the support and you're treating me like I'm insane."
"Axel… when I met Riku he didn't go run off for two months without a word, come back, drink all my alcohol and run off for another two months."
"You guys don't get it. I'm seriously in love with this kid, like love at first sight or something. Don't you understand that? You both said you fell in love when you first saw Riku and Zexion, why isn't this the same?"
"Because they're not playing some game of tag with us, and never have. They walked into our lives and stayed there, not leave for extended periods of time for no reason." Sora continued, "how do you know he even feels the same way about you?"
"I don't know… I'm still trying to figure that one out. He's so elusive and emotionally contained all the time. You know I excel in being able to read everyone, but I can't do this with him. He's a mystery to me… and I just want to solve it."
"What happens when you solve it and this game isn't so fun anymore?" Demyx pointed out.
"It's not like that. I'm not going to just lose interest in him."
"Says you, every time you've gotten even remotely close to being in a relationship you run scared." The blond smirked, the brunette nodding. Damn, that's what happens when your best friends know everything about you, they pull out the scared of commitment card.
"Roxas is different."
"You don't even know him." Sora justified, Demyx agreeing along with him.
"But I really think if I get to know him, it'll only get better from there!" I pulled a fistful of red hair into my hands, wanting to yank them out in frustration. The room grew silent for a few minutes.
"Shit, he's really fallen hard for this kid." Demyx sighed, looking at Sora.
"Dude, don't count your chickens before they've hatched." The brunette laughed, "you're a lovesick tool."
"Whatever, at least I don't use retarded idioms to get my point across." I laced my arm around Sora's shoulder, successfully dragging him towards me and nuggying his head.
"Axel, can you open instead of close? I'm going out tonight, and really don't think I can open tomorrow."
One phone call at three o'clock in the morning changed my plans entirely today. Not only was it a Saturday, which I never open, but I haven't opened the damn bar since I started working here. I had maybe one early training shift, but that was it. I hated opening. It was dull, boring, and lifeless. The guy that switched with me apparently did this a lot; I just normally wasn't handed the shifts because he apparently only took afternoons in place of the morning. I don't think he's ever worked a night shift ever, which probably isn't good for business, seeing as how morning versus night is a totally different atmosphere.
It's only 10A.M., I've been here two hours and the same guy is still here from the minute I opened, he's still drinking his fourth beer, but evidently, I'm the only entertainment worthy of his time. The restaurant was pretty full with breakfast goers, and I've had the odd seventeen-year-old girl come over with some flirty comments and low-cut shirts. Can't say I've even shown the slightest interest – for two reasons: jailbait and Mr. Mystery.
It's been three months since the last time he showed up. I'm not shocked. I'm starting to think Demyx and Sora were right. This guy probably didn't care the slightest for me. I was just another stranger in this large populated area. I was just the bartender who served him. He probably has plenty of those noted in his memories. Obviously, I'm not one of the important ones. Days and shifts go slowly waiting for him, even though I'm starting to think I won't see him again. Today goes even slower, knowing he won't be here during the morning. Hours later, I'm leaving the bar with a regular feeling of loneliness. The person taking me off my shift was not only an hour late, but while waiting for them to get up to the counter they had to make three trips to the washroom.
Definitely not my problem.
I don't know what I even want to do with my free evening. I've texted Sora and Demyx and they're both busy with their lover boys. So, how did I spend my night instead? I watched a sappy movie. I feel so out of my element lately, like I'm losing my whole sense of being. What happened to spending my nights out partying? Some kid made it invaluable to my life. What happened to drinking so much I can't remember a thing? I want to be able to remember all my encounters with him. What happened to those one night stands? It felt like I was cheating on someone I wasn't in a relationship with.
How stupid do I feel right now?
He could be doing all those things I'm avoiding. I'm holding back on everything because I'm thinking it'll be more appealing to someone who doesn't even seem to find me appealing. I can't deny my self-esteem is a little more than hurt. What's worse is my phone keeps vibrating in my pocket, the ringtone signalling it's the bar phoning, and I don't even want to answer it. I just want to snuggle up on my couch watching this stupid movie while I swallow my wallows whole.
On the seventh ring, I decide it might be good idea to pick up. Emergencies happen, after all.
"What?" I answered harshly.
"Dude, I'm so sorry." I could barely hear the bartender on the other end with the loud music in the background.
"What do you want?" I just want to go back to my sappy movie.
"Someone's here who won't leave me alone until he talks to you."
"He?" My heart was in my throat.
"He's a looker." I could hear the smirk in his voice, which was pissing me off.
"What does he want?"
"You, apparently. I don't know what's wrong with me though."
"Because you're a pervert. You'll die alone. Xigbar, didn't we go over this already?"
"Can you just talk to him? He's had a few too many."
"Fine." Don't get me wrong, I was totally bursting from the seams because I was hoping it was Roxas. But, three months had gone by. I didn't want to get my hopes up.
"Axel." That voice made the hope come back, full force.
"Roxas."
"Can you come get me?"
"What makes you think I want to do a thing like that?"
"Because Roxy baby needs a friend."
"How much have you had to drink?"
"Your fine friend has fed me enough." There was a hiccup, I was a little annoyed with Xigbar, knowing he would only give Roxas enough alcohol to get him wasted for personal reasons. It must've been a true piss me off when Roxas started asking for me.
"Apparently." I glanced at the time. "Will you wait for me this time?"
"I promise. I swear on the pretty birdies circling over my head."
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I was going to kill Xigbar the next time I saw him. He didn't just give the blond alcohol, he laced something with something. No wonder Roxas was acting a lot weirder than usual.
"Roxy, can you do something for me?"
"Anything."
"When Xigbar isn't looking, go to the restaurant and ask for Yuffie. Ask her to take you to Axel's office. Tell her that… I think she'll make a great ninja."
"What if she doesn't believe me?" Another hiccup.
"She'll believe you. Just remember to say she'll be a great ninja. Make sure Xigbar doesn't see you."
"I thiiiiiink I can do that." Slurry speech, great.
"I'll be there in less than twenty."
"Hey Axeeeeeeel?"
"Yeah?"
"I miiiiiissed you."
I smiled, "I missed you too."
By this point I was rippling with excitement, for several reasons. First and foremost, I was Roxas's knight in shining armour for the night. Second, he was plastered and had no one else to turn to but me. Third, he missed me… drunkenly missed me, but still missed me. Fourth, he would wake up in my apartment, announce his undying appreciation for helping him in his time of need and live out that fantasy I've been dreaming of. Fifth, this was a real chance; a pretty unbelievable, totally out of nowhere kind of chance, but a real chance. I could barely breathe. My heart was pumping three times as fast.
I've never been one for sports or exercise, but I think at the speed I was running, it could rival a professional athlete. Have you ever run for your life? From say a gang, or the cops? Or from a dog? I was running faster than that. Walking to work normally took half an hour, I ran so fast that it took twelve minutes. I chose to go through the restaurant instead of the bar; avoiding Xigbar for the sake I might kill him. I walked to the shorter girl standing by the cash register punching in some orders on the computer. Her short black hair was pulled back by a headband, her attire being a black tank top with a hoodie, and short beige shorts. Don't misinterpret her choice of clothing, she was probably the least slutty person I'd ever met, and she could kick your ass if you hit on her in the wrong way. Like that one guy that one time who smacked her ass… yeah that didn't end well.
"Hey Yuffie!" I smiled, walking around the counter to stand beside her.
"Oh, hey Axel." The girl replied, not losing her focus on the computer. She was punching in an order for at least ten people. "That kid's in your office, safe and sound. I think he got a whiff of Xig's version of a date rape drug."
"I figured…"
"Don't worry; I don't think anything happened to him. He hasn't passed out yet, at least not when I left him up there. I locked the door for you." Yuffie tossed the key towards me, her focus still on the computer.
"Thanks a lot." I grinned, walking around to the kitchen and towards the door that led to a staircase upstairs to my own office. The only reason I had it was because after some long nights, I didn't want to walk home after work – especially during the dead of winter… so my boss kind of just let me have it. I unlocked the door quietly and flicked on the light. There's a couch, a desk, and a small window. I brought a blanket from home after finding out how cold it was on the first night. I was happy to see that Yuffie put it over Roxas. The blond didn't even move when I walked into the room. I crouched next to the couch, pushing on his shoulder lightly. "Roxy?"
He was out cold. I sighed, wrapping the blanket securely around his small frame and lifting him slowly off the couch. "We're going to go to my house, okay?" Obviously, I wasn't going to get an answer. I carefully walked down the stairs to the kitchen and maneuvered around the staff and past Yuffie, who nodded towards me.
"Make sure he drinks lots of water in the morning!" She called as I made it out of the restaurant, steering clear of the drunks standing by the entrance to the bar. I got a few odd glances, but most of them were regulars and knew me as their bartender. They weren't going to say anything.
The walk home was easier than I initially worried about. Roxas was a lot lighter than I remembered. But then again, I had never gotten this close to him until now. I must've been speed walking, because it only took twenty minutes to get home. The security guard at the front of my apartment tilted his head slightly as he opened the door for him. I whispered thanks and approached the elevator. Holding onto Roxas tightly, I propped my elbow to push the "up" key, illuminating it instantly. Once the elevator opened, I did the same thing with my floor number, the eight lighting up. The elevator reached my floor and I made my way to my room, the eight was hanging upside down from the door when I slammed it just a little too hard one day, but the thirteen was still intact beside it.
Somehow still holding Roxas, I found my keys and unlocked the door, kicking it open with my foot. The living room was still in the same condition as before, the sappy movie still paused. I placed Roxas on the couch, still wrapped cutely in the blanket. I smiled, pushing his bangs out of his sleeping eyes. In every way, he was perfect. I walked around the couch to my bedroom, making the bed. I can't even remember the last time I made my bed. Walking back to the couch, I unravelled Roxas from the blanket and carried him to the freshly made bed. I took off his sweater, but voted for not taking off anything else. He might freak out in the morning. Wrapping him under the covers, I ran my hand through his hair affectionately. I wanted to make him one huge breakfast in the morning; I wasn't going to let him leave then either.
I closed my bedroom door, choosing the couch to sleep on for the night. I left the TV on, forgetting about the movie, sleep coming over me quickly. I just wanted morning to come.
The first thing I noticed when I woke up in the morning was that my bedroom door was wide open. Stretching my arms and legs, I shook off the dull feeling of morning exhaustion, and trotted towards the bedroom. Leaning against the door frame I nearly wanted to cry, the room was empty, the bed made, and no remnants of anyone sleeping there. Honestly, I helped the kid out… the least he could've done was leave me a note or woken me up to say bye. I lifted off the shirt from my shoulders and tossed it towards the floor angrily. Changing into some sweat pants, I looked around the room for any sort of clue as to why he didn't stay. Nothing. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, still feeling drowsy from less than five hours of sleep.
The next thing I noticed was the smell of brewed coffee… and food? How the hell did I manage to not notice it before? The smell of bacon filled my nostrils, as I desperately ran out of my room and towards the kitchen. My mood immediately improved, a large smile spreading over my face at seeing Roxas leaning over my stove, flipping the bacon on the pan. He was wearing the same clothes from the night before, but obviously hadn't found his sweater because he was wearing one of mine and it was way too big on him.
"It smells good in here." I said, stepping into the kitchen cautiously, scared that the closer I got Roxas might just disappear.
"I don't know how I got here, but I woke up feeling like you deserved some sort of compensation." The blond stated, not even turning to look towards me.
"You don't remember anything?" I asked dumbly. If Xigbar had roofied him, he wouldn't have remembered anything.
"I remember drinking, and then that bartender with the eye patch gave me what he called his 'special drink', and that was it."
"I'm sorry about that."
"Don't be. I'm the one stupid enough to take a 'special drink' from a stranger. I just thought he would be as nice and trustworthy as you, evidently I thought wrong." Roxas shrugged, and flicked the switch off for the stove. I looked at the counter on the right; he had already made up eggs and found the plates. He put half the bacon onto one plate, and the rest on the second. He turned around, plates in hand, and gave me an odd look, blinking a few times more than necessary as he looked me up and down. "Your choice of clothing is interesting, or lack there of."
I looked down and realized I had taken off my shirt, "You like?" I smirked, enjoying how the blonde's cheeks suddenly turned red. He looked flustered as he muttered something under his breath about it being improper to eat half-naked at a table and pushed passed me to the living room and set the plates on the coffee table.
"There's coffee in the kitchen too, I thought you'd like some." Roxas pointed out, without looking up from his plate as he started to eat his eggs.
"You're like a regular housewife. Do you want some coffee?"
"I don't drink coffee."
"That's surprising." I laughed, walking into the kitchen to pour the coffee into a mug. I took my seat next to Roxas, my arm brushing against his clothed one as he slightly scouted away from me. "My sweater is massive on you."
"I couldn't find mine." Roxas whispered, grabbing a piece of bacon.
"I put it in the closet by the door." I lifted a forkful of scrambled eggs into my mouth, savouring the mouth-watering taste of them. The bacon was just as terrific.
"I like wearing yours." It took me a second to realize he was talking about my sweater. I looked at him; the red on his cheeks was back. "It's warm."
"It's my favourite sweater. You can keep it if you want."
"Really?" His eyes seemed to brighten as he looked up at me with this puppy-dog expression.
"Y-yeah." I stammered, overtaken by Roxas's sudden change of mood. I was used to the sarcastic Roxas, but he was definitely hiding a sort of… innocent side to him. It made him all the more attractive.
"Thanks Axel, for everything." Roxas cleaned up the dishes after we ate; he even washed them and put them away. It was a treat, watching him walk around the apartment like it was his home. He was completely comfortable here. I didn't want him to leave, but when I sat down at the couch later, figuring we could watch some TV or just talk, he was at the closet by the door, taking out his sweater and putting on his shoes.
"Where are you going?" I said hurriedly, making my way to the door.
"Home. I've overstayed my welcome."
I opened my mouth to talk, but the words were caught in my throat. He was leaving, again. That's not what I wanted. He wasn't just allowed to do that to me again. He's already done it twice. That's not fair. I closed my mouth, choosing action instead. I pushed passed him, standing in between him and the door.
"Axel…" He wouldn't even look up at me, I hated that. He reached for the doorknob, but I grabbed at his hand.
"If you didn't want anything to do with me, you wouldn't keep coming back." I stated, holding his tiny hand in my palm. He flinched at my choice of words.
"You don't want to get involved with me." Roxas pulled at his hand, but I kept my grip.
"It's a little late for that." I lifted my free hand to his chin, pulling him to look at me, but his eyes looked off to the side – anywhere but at me. "Damnit Roxas, look at me."
"It's hard to."
"I'm not that bad looking, come on, you're killing my confidence."
He chuckled at that. "It's not that I don't think you're attractive. You're definitely that and more…"
"Then what?"
"Looking at you makes me realize I can't ignore this." He wrapped his arms around my neck, the sweater in his hand fell to the floor, as he continued to avoid looking at me directly, his eyes closed and he pulled me towards him. I placed my hands around his waist, yanking him closer as his lips chastely met mine. Fire, that's all I could feel. From my head to my toes, everything was burning. I had never felt something so good. We held the kiss, both relishing in the feelings swirling between us. When I started to pull away for breath, Roxas didn't let me, forcefully shoving me against the door and holding me there. I gasped slightly, my mouth opening just enough against the kiss for him to rub his tongue against mine. My hands started to wander from his waist up his front, to the large sweater hanging from his shoulders; I moved my hands to remove the piece of clothing, Roxas briefly moving his hands from my neck to let me. I let my sweater fall to the floor, without a care in the world as Roxas continued to play tonsil hockey with me, surprisingly dominating with his skillful tongue.
I continued to let him press me up against the door, until he suddenly pulled away, looking totally ashamed and embarrassed.
"I'm so sorry." Roxas claimed, dropping down to pick up the discarded sweaters. "I didn't mean for it to..."
He looked so flustered, trying to put my sweater back on and reaching for the door again, which I was still leaning against. He barely got one sleeve on before I pulled it back off, throwing it down the hall. I grabbed the other sweater, tossing it back into the closet. He looked at me, his mouth slightly agape in confusion. This was the first time he bothered looking me in the eye. "Don't be sorry." My hands wove around his waist again, clamping together on his lower-back, "and stop trying to leave."
"Axel." I swear he half-moaned my name. His hands rested against my bare chest, sending shivers up and down my spine as he danced his fingers along my skin. It was far too arousing than I wanted to admit. "You don't want to get involved with me." He repeated, his voice hushed as he brought his soft lips to my chest, kissing his way from the bottom of my neck to the end of my rib cage.
"That's a little hard with the way you're making me feel, Roxy." My eyes fluttered open and closed as the blonde's lips made their way to my hardening nipples, his teeth coming out to nip at them and then licking around them. A low moan escaped my lips as his hands started to travel from my chest to my clothed thigh, and then my inner thigh… and then upwards until they both rested just below my growing erection in between my legs.
"How do I make you feel?" Roxas muttered, his hands creeping upwards, causing me to let out an uncharacteristic gasp.
"Aroused." My eyes opened completely, tired of feeling completely dominated by someone who was making me feel far too weak. "Stop teasing." I pulled his hands from my thighs, placing them around my neck. I lowered my body slightly, the blond giving me an odd look as I wrapped my arms around his legs and forced them around my waist, earning a slight whimper as he was lifted off the floor. I twisted our positions around, slamming him against the door and clashing our lips together. He moaned into the kiss, his hips slightly bucking at the intensity of the arousal between us. I broke our kiss, his breath hot against my lips. My lips moved to his neck, biting down hard, earning another thrust and a loud moan. I massaged the purple mark with my tongue and made another mark under it.
"M-my s-shirt… Axel." Roxas breathed, trying to lift his shirt over his head. I grinned, removing my lips and letting him throw the shirt into the pile of clothing on the ground. I went back to attacking his neck, his hands weaving through my hair and yanking at the strands when I bit particularly hard on a certain area. I could feel his heat pressing up against my stomach, my own just below his tiny body. His hands started to reach for his jeans, successfully unbuckling them between shuddering breaths. He reached for the waistband of my sweatpants, untying the cord. "I c-can't take them off like this."
I let go of Roxas's legs, letting him stand. His sapphire eyes glanced into my emerald, both clouded with lust. Before I had time to think, he pulled the loose pants down to my ankles, and rather slowly made his way back up. I might care to mention I normally don't wear anything under my sweatpants; after all they're purely for lounging. His tongue suddenly met my inner thigh, causing it to spasm. He chuckled, this was going to helluva hour.
I twisted the blond around to face me after we finished. He wrapped his small arms around my neck, pulling me into a kiss. A purely satisfying kiss for all that had happened in the past hour. "You still shouldn't get involved with me."
"Too late, blondie. You're stuck with me." I laughed, nuzzling his nose against mine.
You'd think it was picture perfect. That the story just ends, happily ever after. I was happy. Everything was perfect. It started slow, at least the relationship aspect of it. The sex, obviously not so slow, but it made everything so much deeper in some regard. For awhile I didn't know why Roxas didn't want me to be so involved with him, because as far as I could tell there was nothing wrong with him. He had a decent life. A few years ago, he gained an inheritance that helped him pay his way through life. He saw no point going to school because of that amount of money, and he chose to drink because it healed some sort of inner loneliness.
He had no family; his parents had died two years prior. His only Aunt was on the other side of the world. Otherwise, he had no family. All his friends had moved on to bigger better things, and so a lot of the time Roxas was alone.
Demyx and Sora love him, they think it's adorable I'm dating someone younger, but initially they gave Roxas the third degree about not hurting me and blah blah blah, and after twenty minutes of them telling Roxas they'll rip him from limb to limb if something ever happened to me, I had to tell them to shut up and stop scaring the kid. They seem to think it's cute that Roxas is so unsocial and naïve, I've never seen the kid get so red.
After months of taking it slow and dating, I asked Roxas to move in. I couldn't have asked for someone better. It's not a word of a lie when I say this kid's perfect. We never argue, we never have stupid fights, and we never put each other down. I'd never been in a relationship so healthy, and this was it. This was my definition of love; all these rare feelings I swear I'd never be able to feel, I could. It was with Roxas's help that I finally understood how kisses could go on forever, how snuggling could last hours after waking up, how amazing food could taste when it's cooked for you, and how sex could never get boring. Having Roxas in my life changed everything. I finally wanted to do something with my life, so I went back to school. Roxas full-heartedly supported me through it, telling me I could be anything I wanted to be.
I never wanted it to end. The way things were going, I thought I was invincible. I thought everything was going to work out in the end. But the honeymoon phase had to end, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
It started with Roxas getting distant, the conversations getting simpler, the texts not so frequent, and the phone calls during the day ending abruptly. I don't know what I did to push him away, but I was. I dealt with it for a month, the blonde's air of apathy, his annoying one-word answers, and the barely-there laughter at jokes he normally found hilarious.
I thought if I got angry with him, maybe he'd care more, so I confronted him about it. It was the worst fight imaginable, and only because it was completely one-sided.
"I told you not to get involved with me." Roxas muttered after I yelled at him for a good ten minutes about everything I thought we were losing.
"Why can't you tell me what's going on then? Why do you leave during the middle of the day for hours on end, and come home feeling drowsy? What's going on?" I yelled frantically, my eyes wide, and eyebrows raised.
"Axel, I did warn you. Doesn't that suffice?" Roxas pulled his book open, flipping back to the page he'd been reading.
"Don't you care that you're hurting me here? Doesn't that matter to you?" I could feel the sting of my tears, but I wasn't going to let myself cry.
"It's for your own good, Axel… please don't worry." Roxas said simply, focused on his book.
I can't tell you how it feels when you feel like your world is falling apart. I had this painting in my head of the world Roxas and I shared, it was the perfect sunset. The perfect beach. The perfect atmosphere. The sunset on the horizon peaking over the water, the water just barely reaching our feet. Within a month my perfect picture was ripped to shreds, and I couldn't piece it back together because Roxas was holding a piece of it, and didn't want to give it back. My heart ached.
I thought it was my fault. I thought I had said something stupid, done something wrong, but when I racked my brain for any clues, nothing came up. I hadn't done anything. I desperately tried to be the model boyfriend, and maybe that's what was turning Roxas off. Maybe he wanted me to still be the bad boy bartender who didn't give a shit about his life, but I thought Roxas wanted more than that. I wanted to give the kid a life. I didn't want to work a dead-end job that didn't help pay the bills if we want to move into a real house… I thought I was giving him everything he could possibly want.
I let his attitude continue. Some days were better than others, some days were worse. There were days we'd go without talking, without affection, those were the worst. Everything was always worse when Roxas didn't pay any attention to me, like I didn't exist. It wasn't for another month before I realized that it wasn't anything to do with me at all, and I had more than enough reason to be worried.
"Roxas?" I called as I entered the apartment. The blond was normally home after I was done school, but as I made my way into the living room, he wasn't there. I walked into the bedroom, he wasn't there. Into the kitchen, he wasn't there. I felt a sort of sinking in my stomach as I walked to the bathroom, something feeling rather unsettling as I lightly pushed the door open, revealing Roxas passed out on the floor.
At first, I thought maybe he'd been drinking, but as I started to shake him to wake him up, I got no response. Normally I got some sort of groan or annoyed sound, but he didn't even move. I pressed two fingers onto his wrist, waiting for a pulse that was just barely there. I didn't hesitate to phone 911, and after giving them his information, the paramedics were there in no time flat. I thought we would be going to the main hospital, but for some reason the paramedics kept talking about Roxas having a special doctor at one of the smaller hospitals across town.
I couldn't think. I couldn't understand. I didn't know what was happening, all I knew is I just wanted Roxas to be okay. They attached an oxygen mask to help him breathe and injected him with morphine for pain that they wouldn't explain to me. They said he was probably suffering, and I couldn't comprehend what he could possibly be suffering from. Upon arriving at the hospital, Roxas was rolled off the ambulance, passed Emergency and straight into the Intensive Care Unit. I passed off Roxas's health card and information to the nurse, but she didn't seem to need it. She passed me a chart to fill out about any changes I may have noticed in the last month or so, and it didn't bother me to say that Roxas had been annoying the hell out of me.
When the doctors came out and talked to the nurse who already seemed acquainted with Roxas, I was even more confused. They started talking gibberish about his condition, and saying he's already progressed far past some deadline, and that he was lucky, and all these terms I didn't understand. The nurse pointed towards me, and the doctor sighed. He walked up to me solemnly, and I was expecting Roxas to already be dead. What a horrible thought.
"My name is Squall, you must be Axel. I've heard a lot about you." The brunette doctor outstretched his hand, but I didn't even take it. I was angry, confused, frustrated, and most of all worried. I wanted answers, and nobody was giving me them. I just wanted to understand what was happening to the love of my life, and they just all stood around casually like this was common occurrence.
"That's great, but I've heard fuck about you, and I'd like to know what's going on with my boyfriend." I said rudely, looking beyond the doors I had last seen Roxas go through.
"He hasn't told you anything?" Squall asked, surprised.
"No, and you're all scaring me."
"I'm sorry Axel, but until Roxas wakes up and gives me permission to tell you, I can't disclose his information to you." Squall said sympathetically, "I can take you to his room though; sometimes he wakes up earlier than we think he will."
I nodded, slowly digesting the information I wasn't allowed to have. What if Roxas never woke up? I was pretty much the only family he had, I was the only one that cared enough to know, and I had no clue what was going on. We walked down the ICU, past the nurse's station and towards the private rooms. The doctor opened the door to a bright lit room, my beautiful boyfriend lying on the bed with needles in his arms, and the oxygen mark lifted off his face. His eyes were wide, looking from Squall to me.
"You're awake." Squall smiled, walking to the machine and looking over something on it. I didn't know shit all when it came to this sort of stuff.
"Y-yeah." Roxas said weakly, I could feel my heart breaking in half. "A-Axel, I'm sorry… I didn't want you to find out this way."
"I haven't told him yet, Rox. That's up to you." Squall informed.
"I-I have cancer, Axel." He paused, seeming to choose his words. "I have less than three months to live."
You know that feeling of your world crashing down? There it was. Everything I held dear, it was gone. I collapsed to my knees, Roxas's voice was distant. It felt like everything was mocking me. It felt like no one cared. It felt like I was losing the only thing I thought I'd have forever. Three months? We would barely have known each other for a year, and he'd already be dead. We were supposed to grow old together. He was supposed to see me through graduation.
"A-Axel, please." Sapphire eyes bore into my emerald, strangling my thoughts and shutting them inside my head. He was down on the floor kneeling with me, the needles hanging loosely from the bed. "I-I didn't want you to get involved."
"I'm in love with you!" I cried out, clutching his face in my hands. "And you're going to be gone in three months! How did you not want me to get involved?"
"I tried to get you to hate me. I thought you'd give up." Roxas muttered, a single tear falling down his cheek.
"Why would I ever give up on you?" I could feel my hands tighten on his face, I started to shake. This wasn't happening. "I love you, Roxas. I don't want you to go. Please, please tell me this isn't for real."
"I love you too." Roxas tried to wipe the tears that were freely falling from his face now, "but nothing's worked. We've tried everything. My central nervous system is giving away. Chemotherapy, transplants, medication… none of it worked. We can't stop it. Everything's starting to shut down on me, I wasn't even supposed to make it past twenty-one, but I did, and I think it was so I could meet you. So I could feel love for once in my life before going… I'm sorry Axel."
I could feel the tears falling from my face. I needed to cry. I pulled Roxas flush against my chest, holding him tightly. I wanted to savour every last moment. I didn't want him to go, but I didn't have a choice. I spent everyday with him, learning as much as I could about everything and anything to do with him. I took time off school to spend every last breath with him. The first month and a half we could still go outside and I made as many memories as I could. I had my camera at all times. The last month and a half we had to stay in the hospital, Squall and the nurses let me stay in his room. Demyx, Zexion, Riku, and Sora came to say goodbye within the last few weeks.
Roxas was at his weakest by the third last week, but when the nurses offered to feed him, I wanted to. When he needed to bathe, I helped him. I wanted nothing more to be everything he needed before he passed. When the day came, I knew he was suffering. I knew he needed to go. I didn't want him to, but he was only putting up with the pain for me.
"A-Axel, I'll always love you." Roxas muttered, grasping onto my hand as tightly as he could, which barely felt like anything at all. The oversized sweater I had given him so long ago seemed to look looser on him than it ever had.
"I'll always love you, Roxy." I looked over to Squall who couldn't even look at the blond, a strained expression on his face. "I swear we'll find each other. I won't break a single promise."
"Yeah… maybe in another life." Roxas smiled, that smile being the last one I'd ever see. "Be happy for me, Ax… I love you."
I reached over the bed frame and kissed him tenderly on the lips. This was the last kiss. The last memory. Roxas looked over to Squall, "Thank you for trying, Leon."
The doctor smiled, pressing his hand to his eyes to suppress the tears. Roxas held his smile as Squall turned off every machine, the blond clenched his eyes shut, the pain evident. I closed my eyes with him, still holding his hand. Soon the very little tightness loosened, the machine beeping ended, his pulse gone.
He was gone. It felt like the air had been taken from my lungs, it felt like the room had dropped twenty degrees. The whole world had tilted on its axis, but it was only me that felt it.
We both wanted forever, and all we got was this. Perhaps there was another life for us, somewhere out there, but I didn't know. I live for him, everyday. When I look in the mirror and see those stupid tattoos, they represent to me the undying love I have for Roxas. The only tears I'll ever shed for someone. I found out that the only reason Roxas ever got cancer was because he used to work for company that deal with radiation, the employees, specifically Roxas turned out to be guinea pigs to some sort of sick experiment. The blond never realized he was a part of it until he went for a routine blood test that came back bad. Roxas was told he only had five years to live, and this was when he was sixteen. He made it to six years, long enough to know me.
Having found out that the one job he needed to help support his family was killing him; he sued the company for all they were worth. He gained a four-million-dollar inheritance, and in the time that he had gotten it, he had only spent twenty thousand dollars before he died. When Roxas died, Squall gave me Roxas's will – containing a video Roxas had taped the first night he met me.
'I want to pass on all my funds to Axel Sparks, love of my life. If I could give him more, I wish I could. Always and forever.'
Roxas will live with me, till the day I die. I can't say I've even come remotely close to being in love with anyone else. I'm happy with him in my memory, and that's enough for me. Everything I do, I know he'll always be there. I'm not scared of living and dying alone, because I know he'll always be there. He taught me what love meant.