Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
So, today, we're going to dive into (no pun intended) one of the most well-known, most beloved love stories the world has ever known. William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet. Now, we all know the general story: Two families, they hate each other, a boy and a girl from them meet and fall in love, the boy murders the girl's cousin, gets banished, she and the priest hatch a plan to get them back together, it gets screwed up, and in the end, they both die. How romantic!
Now, this story, like most of Shakespeare's work, is known throughout the world, and has at least a hundred film adaptations. And today, we are going to talk about one such film, and probably one of the lesser-known ones. Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss. It's the same story, but with a catch: It's an animated kid-friendly version where the characters are sea lions.
Now I know what some of you might be thinking at first glance: "Aww, how adorable! Cute little seals in love! How cutsie!" Well, I'll admit it does look cute when you put it like that. And no doubt some of you are thinking "What the hell is that? That looks like an absolute piece of shit!" Well trust me. Once you see this movie, you'll be thinking the second thing. Why? Well, I'm about to tell you. So without a further adue, let's dive right into (again no pun) Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss!
Okay, so first, let's look at the cast a crew. I've never heard of any of the people who made this movie. And look at the actors who play Romeo and Juliet. They have the same last name! That can either mean they are husband and wife, in which case it totally makes sense that they have these roles. Or, they are brother and sister. How messed up is that? Having a brother and sister act out a love story?
The only person I recognize really is the director, who also plays one character. Phil Nibbelink. Now, some of you might recognize him as the guy who directing and animating some other movies I've discussed like The Magic Voyage, We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story, The Fox and the Hound, The Black Cauldron, The Great Mouse Detective, and Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Wow! That's actually a lot of movies. You would think with a history like that, and taking four and a half years, this guy would have some good experience to make this movie. Well guess what? You thought wrong. Besides, over half the movies I listed above turned out like shit, so how do you expect this one to be any different?
So, let's start the movie. We get a dark, stormy beach in... well... know one really knows, but I guess we can assume its the Arctic somewhere. On top of a cliff, we see a tree that's obviously going to have some sort of meaning in the story. I swear I've seen that tree somewhere. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm pretty sure there's a film company that uses that exact tree for its logo.
Once upon a time, in a world not very different from our own, there lived two families. Alike in dignity, differing only in color.
Oh, so there's a hidden message about the segregation of black and white people? Wow! That's actually pretty clever!
An ancient grudge these two families fought on sand and sea. A fight so old, all had forgotten how or why or when it started. From these two foes, came two star-crossed lovers.
And that's the end of the introduction. I know, someone who knows Shakespeare would say its pretty much re-wording Shakespeare's original intro so kids can understand it.
Now even before we even begin the movie, we already know the play, and the hundred or so adaptations to it, so we already know the plot, and what the hole thing is going to be. The only thing is we can assume that in the end (SPOILER ALERT), Romeo and Juliet will not die. I mean you don't honestly think they're going to kill off those cute little seals, right? And they actually said it in the trailer! They just said "came two star crossed lovers" instead of "two star crossed lovers take their lives."
So anyway, in the first scene, one morning, we see a brown seal waddling along, minding his own business, when he bumps into an angry-looking white seal!
A-A Capulet!
A Montague?
Oh, yeah. I guess the two families actually kept the names of the original families from the play.
Mercutio! Mercutio! Mercutio!
Oh! I guess all the characters have the original first names of the Shakespeare characters too.
Ah, Benvolio, I knew him well!
So, I guess these are the seal versions of Mercutio and Benvolio.
Anytime, Mercutio!
Hey, is it just me or does Benvolio sound a little like Gollum from Lord of the Rings?
Oh yes we could! Spoil a nice fish!
Oh, look at me. I'm up here so I look bigger than you. Can't touch me!
To be, or not to be? That is... the question! Kapesh?
Hey by the way, did I mention that apparently, Mercutio likes to recite actual Shakespeare lines? It's pretty clever, actually. I think as the movie goes on, it gets kind of interesting.
So Mercutio and Benvolio cause a big fight to break out on the beach between the two families, which is really more kid-friendly slapstick than the super-violent stuff we might have been expecting. They're like "Oh, we don't want to look too graphic, so lets all bark and chase each other! Feel the power of my tits! No! My tits are stronger! Eat octipus, pussy! This fat seal is Kung-Fu Fight-ting! Yeah, let's just keep doing this and don't bite each other like savage wolves, we don't want to scare any of the little kids watching this! Let's all act like little wimps!"
Hey, by the way, notice how many dog or wolf sound effects they're using? Why is that? And half of them aren't even fighting! They're just barking at each other!
And then the background turns red, and the water starts bubbling forbodingly. I guess that mean's the bad guy's coming!
HA! Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble!
Clever Macbeth reference, Mercutio!
And enter the Prince, a big green blob-er- I mean elephant seal, voiced by Phil Nibbelink as I said before. Hey, by the way, how many animated movies do you know where the background usually turns red to set a bad mood of something bad coming? Pretty much every one! Anyway, the Prince announces that if they break out another fight, someone will get banashed to shark island... dun dun DUN!
Oh, yeah, that shark looks really scary. He just somehow pops his whole body up out of the water and glares at everyone. Yeah, that's way scarier than Jaws. I bet even a little kid wouldn't get scared by that.
*Snort! Now go! All of you!
*Snort! *Snort! Do what I say or I'll sit on you! Or sneeze on you! Or something horrible! *Snort! *Snort!
Hey, buy the way, why is the Prince... well the Prince? Who died and made that thing prince of the beach? Why do they have to do whatever he says? I mean I guess he's bigger than all of them, and if they disobey him, he'll sit on them. Yeah. Maybe that's what it is.
Well, anyway, with the fight resolved, Mercutio suddenly drops out of nowhere, I mean litterally just randomly brings up that the Capulets are having a party, and he and Benvolio plan on sneaking in.
Benvolio, my friend. The word has come to me that the Capulets are havin' a party tonight!
Huh?
What doth thou say we crash it?
I mean where the hell did that come from? It just feels so rushed! One second they're all fighting and biting and pinching each other's asses with lobsters, and litterally the next minute, a party comes out of nowhere! I mean what the hell? It's like some kind of mood swing!
Moving on, we see Romeo laying around on a rock, looking pretty sad and gloomy. His dad asks Mercutio and Benvolio to talk to him about it.
Oh, Romeo! Romeo, you idiot, surfs up! Ha Ha! Woah! Benvolio, will ya hold still?
My Back, my back!
Okay, just look at this. I don't even have to tell you what's wrong with the animation here, do I?
Oh, this is really gonna hurt! *CRASH!
I have wiped out!
What's the matter Romeo?
Does my wittle Romeo got a boo-boo?
Come on, you can tell us! We're your friends. We're on your side!
I'm eighteen and I'm still a virgin! Boo-Hoo!
So at first, Romeo doesn't feel like talking about his problem, so Mercutio and Benvolio sing a song, and eventually get him to sing along with them. Because after all, what is an animated movie without random and annoying musical numbers?
I need a girl who will be true.
Someone to swim with in, you know, the ocean blue!
A girl who can love me for who I am.
I need a girl who will understand.
Okay, if you're going to sing, then at least put some feeling into it! He's not even singing! He's just saying the lyrics like a regular sentence!
I don't want just another fish that's swimming in the sea!
I wanna find a girl that's gonna be right for meeee!
I wanna find a girl that's right for me.
I wanna find a girl that's right for me.
I-I-I-I wanna find a girl that's right for me!
Hey wait a minute, how long have they been under water? And they've been singing and talking! Don't they need to breathe? Here's what should be going on:
I wanna find a girl that's right for- Ahh *Cough! *Cough! Air! Air!
So basically, to sum-up the point of that song, Romeo's lonely, wants to get a girlfriend, so Mercutio convinces him to come with him and Benvolio to the Capulet party. They get to the surface, since it's nighttime now (hi, how did it get so late so fast? Wow, time moves really fast here, doesn't it?) and they head on over to the party.
Okay, now look at the way they're dancing. Tell me I'm not the only one who thinks its weird how they're standing up like that. And what about the crab band? What's with their instruments? And where did they learn to play? That's just stupid!
So, Mercutio's plans on sneaking them in by getting them all covered in snow to look white, like Capulets, just as the Prince pops out of the water and heads on up himself.
Let's Party! Ehh! Ha ha! HHHHaaaa! Party! He he!
Look at that Blubber Butt!
Wow! A mentally retarded villain! Who would have thought? But again, why are the seals taking authority from someone who's mentally retarded?
So the Prince gets onto the ship and bumps into Capulet's beautiful daughter, Juliet. And as you may have guessed, its love at first sight for Romeo. But the Prince is also attracted to her, and gets the band to play a tango for them. Now as you can probably tell from this, Juliet doesn't really have the hots for the Prince.
So Romeo decides to go with Mercutio's disguise plan so he can go hit on Juliet. While Mercutio hits on sea lionesses, and Benvolio pigs out, makes sense 'cause he's fat, Romeo decides to stalk Juliet.
Get your fat flippers off her!
So after that dance, the Prince decides he wants to ask Juliet's dad for her flipper in marriage.
Tonight, I'm gonna make you the luckiest girl in town. Ahaaa!
Ah, yes, cause it's every girl's dream to be humped by a fat, stinky, brain-damaged walrus with a big nose and no tusks!
With the Prince gone, Romeo gets a chance to dance with Juliet. Mercutio tries to help him out by playing them a song with the band.
Love is in the air.
Love is everywhere.
When a sea lion meets a sea lioness,
They fall in love. Very... in love.
Okay, again. Actually try singing, don't just say the lyrics like a regular sentence. And the lyrics don't even rhyme. I wouldn't even call this a song!
This is embarrassing.
You said it! Embarrassing for the people in this movie, and for the people who are watching it!
But then the Prince notices Romeo dancing with his 'fiance'.
Hey, that-that's my girl!
And so he tries to chase him off the ship, just when they are about to kiss. And so a little chase scene ensues.
Oops, I almost forgot, *smooch.
I'm gonna sit on you, you little shit!
Woah! It's me again.
You again?
Oh, we gotta stop meeting like this. What would people say?
They'd say you need to more time, or at least a few more lines to just fall. I mean seriously! You're moving even faster than Disney! Well, then again, Romeo and Juliet fell in love pretty fast in the play too, but at least they said more lines to each other! These two just looked at each other for a second and spun in the air! That's it! Though I guess him stopping to kiss her in the chase counts for something.
So after the chase, Romeo finally slips into the water, the snow washes off of him, and everyone sees he's a Montague. Mercutio and Benvolio decide it's time to go then, so they all ditch. Meanwhile Capulet decides to let the Prince marry Juliet, God help her. What a horrible father.
Ah, the night is young, and my love awaits.
So Romeo ditches Mercutio and Benvolio, and go see Juliet for the famous balcony scene. We find her out on that cliff with that one tree, the one we saw in the beginning; as she gives us another simplified Shakespeare monologue.
Romeo, Romeo, where are you, my Romeo?
I'm right here- woah!
Wait, what is he afraid of?
Romeo, a Montague. The only son of my only enemy. Ey me! But it's only his color that's my enemy. Oh, what's in a color? A fish of any other color would still smell as sweet. Oh, Romeo. If only you could change your color. Then you could take me, and I'd be yours forever!
Yes, if only you weren't black! I'm sorry, but as sweet and romantic and poetic as that was, I just had to throw that out there. And this is where Romeo decides to pop his head.
Ah! Who's there?
I don't know how to tell ya who I am, my love, because my name and my color are your enemy!
Oh, my ears haven't heard you bark a hundred words, and yet I recognize the sound of your sweet voice.
That's true. But the weird thing is didn't you say a second ago you couldn't recognize him? What happened? How'd that change so suddenly?
So after a few cheap jokes he makes, they decide to express their love further with- you guessed it! Another Goddamn song!
Hey, by the way, if you're noticing those two shooting stars in the background, and wondering why they keep coming up, it's a reference to these two being star-crossed lovers. And that's basically what this next song is about. It also explains why they are swimming and dancing through space.
I love you for who you are.
You are my lucky star.
I will love you now and forever.
I won't leave you ever!
Now and Forever, I'll show her I care.
Yes, I know, I caught the line.
I love you for who you are.
You are my lucky star.
Aw, come on! This song is just the same stanza over and over again? That's just lazy! I'm glad they're actually singing this time, but come on! Why couldn't they actually sing one of the more creative songs? Like that first one? That was a catchy one!
So Juliet's dad calls her to come in for bed, and that's when Romeo asks Juliet to marry him. And like I said before, you need more fucking dialogue! More build-up! This isn't Shakespeare, it's not Disney, its bullshit!
They agree to meet at Friar Lawrence's cave to be wed the next day. Woah, isn't that the same day as the wedding to the Prince? I think I see a twosome coming!
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Ah. He he. *smooch
Hey, wait, isn't that the same little goldfish he kissed earlier? What's up with that? Is he in love with the fish too? Is he cheating on Juliet? Or maybe he's cheating on the fish with Juliet! What's up with that?
So then, the next morning, we get a brief shot with Mercutio and Benvolio, as Mercutio starts making up some jokes, none of which are really that funny.
Okay, what did the sand flea say to the other sand flea?
Should we walk, or catch a dog? WHA HA HA HA!
Really? That's the best you got?
Why wouldn't the clam share his toys? Because he was SHELLFISH! AHHAHAHAHAHA!
Okay, I'm not really sure I like you that much anymore. Seriously. He was the only interesting character to me here.
So we cut back to Romeo as he enters Friar Lawrence's cave.
Eye of newt, leg of deep fried chicken. Oh, yes. So... delicious.
Oh! friar! I get it! It's a joke! Yeah, it's not that funny. And another thing, anyone else think he looks kinda like Merlin's squirrel form from The Sword in the Stone?
So Romeo asks the good friar to marry him and Juliet. At first he refuses, thinking Montagues and Capulets shouldn't be together, but then his... um... magic soup pot tells him that Romeo and Juliet being together will bring the two families together, so he agrees. And that's when Juliet shows up.
Romeo!
Juliet!
Ah, there she is now!
...
You two can't wait 'till after the wedding?
But I love her with all my heart!
And I love him with all my heart!
Yes, we are just so horny right now, we just can't hold it back! We're just so excited to loose our virginity!
Look kids, I can see you're in a hurry, I'll try to make it quick.
So Romeo and Juliet are married in a church in the cave, with a stained glass window (hi, how does he have one of those) in a ceremony that has absolutely no words at all, just staring at each other, and a little kiss.
And then we cut back to Mercutio and Benvolio, who are still making up jokes.
If a seagull flies over the bay, does that make it a bagel? Ha Ha!
Oh, that's just stupid. I'm leaving.
Hey, wait wait wait! I got another one for you!
Alright, what is it? I'm listening.
What do you call a Capulet with one brain cell?
I don't know. What?
Gifted!
Oh! Ha ha! That's actually a good one!
What do you have when you have a Capulet buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough Sand!
Hm! I mean come on! You gotta love this guy!
But, some Capulets are watching from the rocks, and they aren't too happy to be hearing these jokes.
What is the difference between a Sea slug and a Capulet? One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger, and the other is a slug!
Next, they decided it wasn't enough to rip off one of Shakespeare's greatest works. Oh, no! They decided they might as well rip off James Cameron's Titanicalong with it. We see Romeo and Juliet on a ship at the bottom of the sea, which does NOT resemble the Titanic in ANY way, doing the whole 'I'm Flying' routine, when suddenly, the whole ship lights up for some reason like Las Vegas. Our heroes decide to check it out.
Oh, come on! Even the inside of the ship looks like the Titanic!
In the ballroom, there's apparently a party going on with a bunch of other fish, including the crab band from before. When did this come up? A minute ago, the ship was a graveyard, and just like that, there's a big party!
Anyway, Romeo and Juliet join the party and dance around until the other fish notice them. Check out their reactions:
Oh, look. A Montague and a Capulet together.
A Montague and a Capulet together!
Together?
Its disgusting.
I can't stand it!
An outrage!
I think I'm gonna be sick!
It's horrible!
I can't believe my eyes!
It's just not right!
Oh my, sounds serious!
Oh My God! Who the hell cares?
Yeah! Peter's right. Mind your own business, you stupid fish!
I think they're a lovely couple!
Quiet you little shrimp!
What? It's that stupid fish that Romeo keeps kissing. Why does it keep popping up here?
And then for some odd reason, I guess because they think Montagues and Capulets just really don't belong together, the fish decide to attack the two. Or maybe it's got nothing to do with the two families and just the fact that they are seals, the predators of fish, and to them, the whole family thing was just a side note.
Look out! Seals! Hm, one's a Montague and the other's a Capulet. Hm, that's odd. Oh well, kill the seals!
Hey, does anyone else find it weird that most of these fish are just as big as they are? Come to think of it, they're smaller than the other seals. Why is that?
Wait, did that octopus just burp ink? Really? They're going to go with that? And again, how long have they been down there? I mean they have to breath SOME time, don't they? What are they? Genetically enhanced seals that can breath and talk underwater just as well as on land?
So the fish chase the duo out of the ship, and they head off on their way just as that weird little goldfish decides to follow them. They arrive at a little inlet, surrounded by trees and flowers (wait, when did all the snow melt? Aren't they in the Arctic?).
A Montague and a Capulet? Blah!
Okay, we get the point, everyone thinks they don't belong together.
Yeah, time for a little dirty seal sex! Hey, wait, how did he move that waterfall like a curtain?
Seriously, what is up with that fish?
Can I kiss him too? He's so hansome?
Oh, great, and now she can talk.
Are you guys married?
Heh heh.
Are you having any babies?
Oh great! She has the voice of an obnoxious, know-it-all five-year-old.
Can I be your baby? I mean your STINKY baby! Ha ha! Wait just a minute!
You're a Capulet. And you... you're a Montague!
Kid, weren't you listening at all in the ship? You were there! We covered what families they're from!
You can't get married. If the Prince finds out, you'll be in BIIIIIIIIIIIG trouble! Okay, bye bye!
What... the fucking hell... was that thing? That fish just went from strange to super annoying! I mean who wants to listen to someone like that? I don't get how parents can stand having kids like that talk to them like that. This fish isn't cute. This is cute:
He's so fluffy I'm gonna die!
Not this:
Shouldn't we call the doctor or something?
Woah, sorry. Getting ahead of myself. But you get my point, right? And does anyone else notice how long she stays out of the water? Why does that keep happening in this movie? The mammals can breathe underwater, and the fish can breathe on land! What the hell is wrong with this director? Does he have ANY common sense?
So anyway, Romeo and Juliet decide it's time to go home before someone else sees them together. But little do they know that the Prince had already seen them! He follows them through the water and tries to look for them, but Romeo is smart enough to hide from the fatass.
There goes old Blubber-butt! I hope he chokes on his own nose!
He looks mad! Is he looking for you guys?
Yes! He is! You were just talking about him! Pay attention to what you say you stupid fish!
Hey, Hey! What happens if he doesn't find you?
Huh? Mercutio! Benvolio! Come on!
No! (Your friends can't see you with a white woman!)
Come on! Come on!
No! Oh No!
Come on!
No!
Notice how when they swim away, even though she's resisting him? They still swim in that happy, joyous, skipping manner from before? Kinda weird.
This is all gonna end in tears.
Okay, you know what? Just shut up!
So we find Mercutio and Benvolio still hanging out at their rock, cracking jokes, while a storm is brewing in the background. Well gee, I sure hope nothing bad is about to happen.
Hey! Did you hear about the Capulet that was so dirty, that when he got in the water, he lost fourty pounds! AHHAHHAHAHA! Come on!
Mercutio, maybe we oughtta go. You know, I'm afraid the Capulets will find us here.
Hello, they're already watching you! You saw them!
So just as Romeo feared, the Prince goes after Mercutio and Benvolio to ask them where to find him, but Mercutio, for some reason, doesn't understand how serious the Prince is, and keeps cracking jokes straight to his face.
Let me tell ya another one! Why do Capulets have trouble sleeping?
Turn around! The Prince is right there! He's pissed!
RAOOOAAARRRR!
Oh, great, now you've gone and upset him!
No! They forgot to close their eyes! AHAHAHAAHAHAHA!
Wait, why would a joke about the Capulets upset him? ...Oh! Right. I guess because he wants to marry Juliet, he's siding with the Capulets.
Yo, Blubber-butt! I wonder how deep the ocean is when you're not in it!
Oh, man! Is this guy is REALLY something! Ha! How can you not love this guy?
Stop!... Your majesty!
Juliet is mine!
Your highness, you're too late. She loves me.
Huh! My daughter!
So yeah, the Prince isn't too happy to hear that Romeo stole his girl, and tries to attack Romeo, but Mercutio keeps taunting him, so the Prince goes after him first.
Did your brain just pop forward?
Okay, I love this guy's jokes as much as the next guy, but for crying out loud! The fat seal is trying to kill you! Be more serious, will ya?
Oh, you know, I just realized something: There's no Tybalt or Count Paris in this movie. The Prince has those roles, along with Prince Escalus. Were the writers just too lazy to come up with characters for them? Or maybe they just didn't want to kill anyone off. Either way, I guess it gives the Prince a bigger role here, makes him more of the villain. I don't know.
Romeo!
No no no! Don't go that way!
Shut up, kid!
You're so ugly, I can't tell the difference between your face and your blubber-butt!
Mercutio, please!
Huh! Romeo, my son!
Oh, Mercutio is the one in real danger, but whatever. Who cares about him? EVERYONE! That's who!
Romeo tries to talk some sense into Mercutio, but it doesn't work.
Mercutio, I beg you!
Ya know, Romeo, the Prince is so stupid, that if he fell off a cliff, he'd have to stop for directions!
Well, I guess that's not about to happen to anyone.
The Prince finally grabs Mercutio and throws him off the cliff.
Mercutio!
Why the devil did you come between us?
What are you talking about? He didn't come between you. I mean if you're going to use lines from the play, make sure they fit first.
Look for me tomorrow, and you will find me a grave seal!
Always go out with a laugh and a final clever Shakespeare reference!
Ahhh!
Mercutio!
No! The only interesting character in this movie! Oh, what am I worried about? They won't kill him off.
...
Oh, wait, did they actually kill him off? Woah!
So, the Montagues are all sad, the Capulets and Prince are laughing, and Romeo attacks the Prince in blind rage, which somehow causes the cliff to start shaking.
...
Okay, I don't even have to point out what's wrong with the animation in this scene, do I?
Waaah!
Ahh!
*Gasp!
*Gasp! Romeo!
Oh, I still only care about Romeo, forget Mercutio was just killed.
Shouldn't we call the doctor or something?
I told you to shut up!
Romeo!
Come on, we all know he's not dead.
Juliet! Oh, Juliet! Juliet!
I was so scared.
A haha.
Oh, good, Romeo's okay! Makes me totally forget that Mercutio was just killed. Come on, Romeo! You should be the most sad! I thought the guy was your best friend! This is just cruel.
So the Prince, finally seeing how much in love Romeo and Juliet are, decides to banish Romeo to Shark Island.
No! No! Please your majesty! I love Romeo!
No, Juliet! You will love me! We marry tonight!
Oh, I just got rid of someone you really cared about. I'm sure in time, you'll learn to accept me for who I am. Goodbye, see you tonight. *Snort! *Snort!
Hey, wasn't the island closer a few shots ago?
So, not knowing what else to do, Juliet runs away toward Friar Lawrence's cave. On the way, the voices of the other characters taunt her, none of which have really anything to do with what's going on, except the Prince's "we marry tonight!"
You can't get married! Romeo's a Montague! Montague! Montague! Montague!
Ah, now the annoying fish's voice is stuck in her head too.
So next we cut to the Prince, as he's about to sing us what I guess is suppose to be a villain song.
Juliet and I are getting married tonight,
Oooo! Baby baby, that's alright, what a sight!
Oooooo! I wanna look just right tonight!
Okay, I somewhat appreciate that the lyrics are somewhat creative, and that he's actually singing, but what kind of villain song is this? I mean its not threatening, its not scary, we already know his plan, which isn't that evil! You want a real villain song? Listen to Be Prepared or Hellfire! And what's with all those clothes and that ship? Where did he get that stuff? Is this all in his mind?
And who are those starfishes? Are they his evil henchmen or something?
Some people say that I weigh a lot,
Ooooo, baby baby, I'm really not.
Some people say that my nose looks like a pot.
But you can tell by nostalgia I'm worth a lot!
Oooo, baby baby, I'm really hot!
I'm so hot!
He's so hot, he's so hot!
What the hell? Now he's laying on a geyser of molten lava like it's a tanning bed! That should be boiling him alive! How is he not in serious pain?
He's so very hot!
Yeah!
He's hot!
Ehhh!
You know what? That wasn't a villain song. You know what that was?
A Big-Lipped Alligator Moment!
So then we cut back to Romeo on Shark Island. He sits on the shark fin rock, looking really sad, when the STUPID FISH comes up! Goddamn it! I thought we were done with her! Is she going to be like a main character now? You've gotta be kidding me! And by the way, where's the freakin' shark? How did they get passed him?
You know, I don't like the ocean. It's tooooo wet!
Well, that doesn't explain how you can breathe on land! God! And where did that come from? Did he ask you why you're always out of the water? No! Because he doesn't care! Nobody cares about you!
Oh, poor Romeo. That Prince. He makes me real cwanky! He should get tiiiiiime out! You need a lot of playtime!
Shut up kid! Shut up! Hey by the way, I've been wondering. This whole time, have you been hitting on Romeo? I mean you're always trying to kiss him, you said he's handsome, and now you're nuzzling him! God! I just hate you so much!
Aw, I think you need me to sing you a little song.
No! No! Oh, God, No!
You wanna hear my little song?
No! I don't! Anything but that! PLEEEEEAASE!
Okay, hear's my little song.
No! Please! I'm begging you! Do NOT sing!
Trinkle, Trinkle, little star! How I wonder what you are.
GAAAAAAAAAHH! Shut up you stupid, annoying, loud-mouthed, fucking, side-character! Come on! You're not even making up your own song! You're singing something we've all heard millions of times! I'll admit it is slightly cute, and it's another clever reference to the whole star-crossed lover thing! But come on! Sheesh! You've got to be one of the most annoying characters in animation history! Maybe ALL cinematic history!
Well, after that little minute of bullshit, she seems to have cheered up Romeo somehow, as we cut back to Juliet in Friar Lawrence's cave as she tells the Friar about the whole situation.
I-I don't know what to say to this. I-I don't know what to say. I *cough I don't know what to say to this.
...
Now, Now my dear. I think you have no choice... but to go through with this wedding to the Prince.
...
Oh, don't give me that face. You know I can't say 'no' to that face! Oh, and the tear completes it! Okay, I'll do something!
So after yet another song (by the way, notice how most of these songs are only like forty seconds long?) Friar Lawrence cooks Juliet a potion that'll put her in a coma, make everyone think she's dead. And during that, Lawrence plans to get Romeo from the island and unite the lovers.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
Wait, what? Mercutio's alive? Yay! I knew this movie was too innocent and cutsie to kill anyone off. But Why is he just sitting around in the background. Don't you think it would have been nice if he came out and said "Hey look everyone! I'm not dead!" Why is he just sitting around in the background? What is he afraid of?
Jeez! This movie's just getting worse and worse. I REALLY hope it's almost over.
So, the wedding time has come, and even though its a really dark stormy day, the Capulets all seem to be in good spirits. Until Friar Lawrence comes up and convinces everyone that Juliet is dead.
Oh! Women! It's always something!
Wow, that was pretty harsh! He seemed so content on marrying her, and now he's like "Oh, what a bother! Oh well, I'll just go find some other pretty little girl to stalk. *Snort!"
So while the Capulets morn over the loss of Juliet, not really wanting an explanation for how she died, Benvolio rushes off to tell Romeo the sad news.
Wait, when did he suddenly start supporting Romeo and Juliet's relationship? We saw him and Juliet standing beside each other during the Mercutio fake death scene, and that was it. There was no indication of them being friends or anything, he never said anything about the relationship before now! This is just... Uh!
Anyway, Lawrence goes after Benvolio to try and explain the plot to him, right after dropping Juliet like a sack of potatoes. Man, nobody likes this girl anymore. And that's when the shark comes up and starts chasing Lawrence. And for some reason, Lawrence isn't that scared of him.
Oh, how funny. It's the oldest gag in the book! You bite my tail, I scream! It's a laugh riot! You... ugly...
But then again, this is presumably the same shark from the beginning, and we all know how unthreatening that guy was, so I guess it makes sense that Lawrence isn't that scared of him.
Benvolio gets to Shark Island, and Romeo is surprisingly happy to see him, but not for long when he hears the sad news. And for some unknown reason, he swims off toward the cliff with the tree, just as Lawrence arrives at the island, the Shark still biting his tail.
Romeo gets to the top of the cliff. What is he thinking? is he going to commit suicide like he did in the play? Is he going to jump off? What?
Juliet! ...Juliet! ...Juliet!
Okay, I'm not sure what he's hoping to accomplish by doing that... He's apparently just letting everyone know he's back.
And so a bunch of seagulls flying around the Capulets show Romeo that in fact, Juliet is dead.
Come on sharky, you big ugly whale,
Don't you wanna bite my nice furry tail?
Oh, you gotta be kidding me. He's rapping about taunting a shark? Really? I mean its completely out of context, goes completely against the sad tone of the movie. You know what this is like? This is like the birdies that come up after the death of Bambi's mom!
Lalalala lala tweet-tweetity tweet-tweetity, tralalala.
This is their attempt to keep the sad tone and depressing and haunting message from sinking in to us! And it just doesn't work! Come on! This is just WAY to cartoony! It's impossible to take this movie seriously anymore! It's worse than Leprechaun!
So the Shark chases Lawrence through the Titanic in a chase that's just impossible to take seirously, probably due to the music. And then look who comes to the rescue.
Stop! Come with me if you want to live!
No problemo!
Oh, Good! Come on, Sharky! Eat her! Eat her!
...
You behave, or I'm gonna punish you!
Shut up and get eaten you little shit!
I'm gonna have to call in back-up!
...
Oh, great, as if one of those things isn't annoying enough!
They're all from my school.
Okay, I might laugh at that if I didn't hate that fish so much.
It's spanky time! ...Spank him!
Spank! Spank! Spank! Spank! Spank! Spank!
Yeah, and so the guppies all keep talking and swimming around, driving the shark insane, and then eventually pushing him back down into the ship.
What? You're a freakin' shark! She's a guppy! You should have torn her apart! But then again, this IS the world's wimpiest shark from what we've seen of him. So I guess it does kind of make sense that he gets his ass kicked by a school of guppies.
Hasta la vista, Baby! I'll be back!
SHUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPP!
You tell her, Mr. Sschwarzenegger. See? Even HE hates her! Probably for ripping off his lines.
Anyway, Friar Lawrence continues his chase after Romeo, who has gone into the Capulet territory to see Juliet. And apparently the other Capulets don't care enough to stop him or say anything.
So Romeo kisses her, my guess is hoping True Love's Kiss will awaken her, but then he ends up catching a whiff of the potion, and falls asleep beside her, just as the other Montagues arrive on the scene.
*Gasp! Romeo my son! My son!
You know, if they were really dead, this scene might actually be sad. But of course they're just sleeping, so how can anyone be sad? And another thing, why are they glowing?
But anyway, Lawrence decides to take advantage of the opportunity to get the two families to make peace. At least, that's what I think he's trying to do. Maybe he forgot that he just gave them a potion and they're not really dead. Probably the first thing I said though.
See how your hate has found a way to kill your children?
We are all punished!
We are all punished!
Yeah! All punished!
How many times do I have to say it? SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUP!
And so judging by how they all start hugging and crying with each other, I guess Friar's plan worked. There, you can see him smiling at how proud he is of himself.
I guess this is where we are given the moral of this story: that fighting is wrong, and we should all live together in love, peace and harmony.
And it is at THAT moment that Mercutio decides to come back! Yeah, perfect timing! I know they were trying to follow the plot of the original story, but if he was alive, and saw Friar Lawrence's song, he could have gotten Romeo and explained everything!
Mercutio!
Hey! Tis I! Ahahaha! Thou was havin' a party, and ya didn't invite mua?
Yeah, apparently nobody really missed you that much buddy.
Oh, to surfur the slings and arrows of outragous- ooooo! This party looks dead.
Wakey wakey wakey!
WAKE UP TIME!
So as if on queue, the sun rises and wakes up Romeo and Juliet because... I guess the potion only worked at night. But come on, we all knew they were going to wake up!
So everyone suddenly decides to dance and celebrate because the families are friends, and nobody's dead. And still, nobody seems to care that much that Mercutio is back from the dead. Even Romeo doesn't even seem to notice him!
But the Prince is still pissed, and tries to eat Romeo and Juliet until the stupid fish comes up with yet again ANOTHER solution, and introduces him to another seal of his kind. Hi, where did she come from?
And so with everyone happy, Romeo and Juliet swim off into the sunrise. And that's the end of Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss. Jeez, finally!
Okay, so on a final note, if you hadn't seen this movie, don't. It may be a little cute, with the love story of the little innocent seals, and the score is decent, and the lesson makes a little sense in spite of being tagged on, I'll give it that much, but the bad far outways the good.
The animation is mediocre, the story is predictable, the characters are either uninteresting or annoying, especially THAT STUPID LITTLE FISH! The humor is lame, aside from Mercutio, the underwater physics are retarded, the songs are retarded, it's just a God-awful movie! I mean it starts off as somewhat tolerable, but then just spirals downward and gets worse and worse. I think most of the problems stem from them trying to make the story too kid friendly. They try at it so hard, it just ends up ruining the movie as a whole.
And if the director was trying to get kids into Shakespeare, trust me, it doesn't work that well! Someone who knows absolutely nothing about Shakespeare might be a little entertained, but everyone else will just get the shit annoyed out of them!
And if you all agree with me on this one, then we have only one choice: The movie must be destroyed!
I pick up the DVD, and go outside for a walk.
After a short jog, I arrive at the base of Mount Doom, which is just a few blocks away from my house. I walk out on the stone catwalk, over the bubbling river of lava.
I hold up the movie over the edge, ready to drop it.
"Goodbye, you abomination!"
"NOO!" someone screamed behind me. I spin around to face someone frail and haggard, wearing some raggad jeans and a white t-shirt with a picture of the movie's cover on the front. What freaked me out most about him was that he was crawling on all fours.
"Um, who the hell are you?" I ask him.
"I'm a huge fan of the movie," he spat. "This movie really spoke out to me. It's one of the greatest animated love stories the world has ever known! Maybe the greatest movie the world has ever known! Everyone I know said it was terrible! My friends thought I was an obsessive freak and left me! My mom thinks I'm a loser! I quit my job to try and search for a copy of the DVD! And now that I've found it, I'll finally be able to get my life back into shape!"
This guy was a total nut case. I looked at him with a really creeped-out look. "What is wrong with you? This movie absolutely sucks! How can you like it that much? That's like impossible! It's so fucking horrible!"
"That's your opinion! I love this movie! Now give me that DVD!"
"No! I won't let the world suffer through this piece of shit again!" With that, I toss the box over the cliff into the lava.
"NOOOOOO!" The obsessive fanboy sprints to the edge. I sidestep out of his way as he jumps over the edge after the movie. I look over the edge and watch him tumble.
Mid-way down, he catches the movie, and hugs it close to him as he continues to fall. Finally, the two land in the lava, and are consumed in it. A gurgling sound is emitted, and the lava rises ever so slightly.
"Okay... Well, that's done. It's over." I rub dirt off my hands, and readjust my coat. "I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to." And with that, I turn and leave.
Author's Comments: In case you were wondering, all of the italicized lines were lines from the movie, and other clips I used. If you don't know the movie that well, and got confused as to what was happening at times, you could look up what's going on during those lines, following along this story. Just go look the movie on youtube.
Oh, and at that one part where the other fish in the Titanic were talking about Romeo and Juliet together, Sweetie Belle said "Oh my, sounds serious," and Peter Griffin said "Oh my god, who the hell cares?" Just in case you didn't get the reference. In fact, you know how he always has 'clips from' in the credits of his videos? I'll do that here:
Clips from:
Romeo & Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Sword in the Stone
Despicable Me
The Pebble and the Penguin
Kindergarten Cop
Family Guy
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
Bambi
I love Nostalgia Critic. He's so funny! I feel like he doesn't get as much publicity on the internet that he deserves, so I made a little tribute to him. You have fans, Doug Walker! You are awesome! God bless you. You are WAY more entertaining than the Angry Video Game Nerd!
I actually don't think Doug will ever review this movie. He reviews movies he's seen as a child, and I think this one is too current. I just saw this movie on youtube a few months ago, and I saw a bunch of stuff that he could really make fun of, and imagined this review going down like this.
I've been thinking though, and I remembered a movie I think might be closer to his childhood that he could possibly review: The Road to El Dorado. It came out in 2000, so I think it would fit him more. Another thing: What about the Pixar movies? Why hasn't he reviewed any of those? I think those could be up his alley too. In fact, here I have a little list going on some movie reviews and top 11 lists I'd like to see him do:
-The Mighty kong
-The Road to El Dorado
-The Nightmare Before Christmas
-A Nightmare on Elm Street
-The Land Before Time
-All Dogs Go to Heaven (Why hasn't he reviewed these two? I mean he's reviewed some of the other Don Bluth movies? Why only the bad ones? Why not the good ones too?)
-Tim Burton's Batman movies
-Batman Forever
-Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
-My Favorite Martian
-The King and I
-The Pixar Movies
-Top 11 Batman Villains (I think that would be good in celebration of The Dark Knight Rises coming out soon.)
-Top 11 Big Lipped Alligator Moments
-The Next top 11 Nostalgia Critics He'll Never Do
-Old vs New: Romeo and Juliet 1968 vs 1996
You know, what was a fun story for me to write. I don't think I've written a monologue-style story, or a story from first-person point of view yet. Also, a while ago in my creative writing class, we had an assignment where we had to write a story as if we were another person. I did pretty bad at that assignment, but I think I did much better at this.
In this story, I had to give a review how Doug would have done it, not how I would have, and criticize and praise the movie in the areas I think Doug would have. I think I nailed most of them. A lot of my own opinions, I admit, are in this review, including how annoying the fish was, how weird the animation was at times, possibly on how amusing Mercutio was, and how they tried to keep it kid-friendly and that somehow ruined a lot of the story, and a few other things I don't remember off the top of my head. But I'm pretty sure Doug would agree with me on many of these things.
Another thing I'd like to point out: You know the guy who does the "You're Gonna Regret It" videos? Well a few weeks after I finished this story, I watched his review to this movie. It was pretty good. It was on par with Doug's videos I'd say. He also made fun of a few of the same things I did, including the message about racism, how bad the songs were, and that one joke about the friar/fryer.
At the end of his review, however, he pointed out something I didn't know before: that this movie was an independent film like The Thief and The Cobbler (which I'd say was a good movie as the recobbled cut), and that Nibbelink did all the funding and producing himself. He even got his own kids to do some of the voice acting! Considering that, I'd say this movie turned out pretty well for an independent film. Now if it was a studio production, I would have said it's unacceptable, but for a film like this to be done by one man, only getting help from his family and a few friends, you have to give the guy some credit. I'm just too lazy to go back and mention that in this story though.
And that's another reason why I don't think Doug will review this movie: Because I think this guy reviewed it just as well as Doug could, and he doesn't like to review movies that have already been reviewed to the same extent he could.
Well, I'm eagerly awaiting Doug's next video. I hope you liked this story. Please review and favor. Thanks!