"SON OF A BITCH!"
"What's wrong?" Alec asked as he entered the room.
"I lost for the sixth time! How could someone with such a stupid screen name like the Mortal Instrument beat me?" I yelled, trying to contain my desire to punch my computer. "How could this happen? World of Warcraft is my game! I own this shit! How could someone else beat me? I'm a Lord of Awesome! How could I lose to such a newb?" I looked over at Alec as though he would have the answer, but all he did was shrug. "That's it! This calls for desperate measures! Alec, hand me my cell phone! ISABELLE! I NEED RATFACE'S NUMBER! PRONTO!"
"STOP CALLING MY BOYFRIEND THAT!" she yelled back. "But, its 555-4723. Tell Simon I said hi!"
I rolled my eyes at my ridiculous adoptive sister as I dialed the number. Simon picked up after three rings as though he thought I had time to spare. Imbecile.
"Hello?"
"Ratface! This is an emergency! Life or death! Get over here immediately!"
Simon paused. "Is Isabelle alright?"
My God, some people are just so inconsiderate. "Yes, she's alright. Now get your skinny ass here ASAP! And bring your laptop! We're going on a man-hunt."
I sat in the living room, waiting impatiently for Simon to arrive as I ate my tomato soup. What is taking him so long? He only lives 20 minutes away and it's been like 25! Does he not realize how urgent this is?
A knock came at the door, then in walked Ratface with a McDonald's cup. He stopped for a smoothie. A fucking smoothie! I slapped the cup out of his hand before he could take another step.
"What do you think you're doing? WE ARE AT WAR AND YOU STOPPED FOR REFRESHMENTS!?"
Simon looked mournfully at his smoothie, now staining the carpet of the living room. "You owe me 3.95$."
I seriously considered punching Ratface in the throat right then and there. Simon just rolled his eyes.
"What do you need?" he asked, still staring at his spilled drink.
"I need you to track down a World of Warcraft player. He goes by The Mortal Instrument! Find the ass hole so I can go to his house where he probably lives with his mom and rip his balls off!"
"You live with your mom."
"STAY ON TRACK SOLDIER! Find this tyrant so I may reap justice!" I said, spinning on my heals and walking out of the room, yelling over my shoulder "you have one hour!"
Man, I wish I had a cape right now that I could like swish as I walked out. That would be so bad ass.
I sat in the kitchen, peeling my third mango. It's been an hour and two minutes! I'm starting to think I should have hired a professional. This kid obviously has no idea what he's doing.
Simon finally entered the room after another horrendously long three minutes! Like seriously? Did he stop to have sex with Isabelle? No. That was too long of a delay.
"What took you so long? I told you, you had one hour! It's been an hour and five minutes!"
"Well I'm sorry but I had to hack social security and pose as an FBI agent to find this guy!"
"That's no excuse for making me wait a whole 300 seconds more than needed! I could feel myself just wasting away!"
Simon sighed, holding up a piece of printed paper. "Look, do you want this or not?"
"Gimme," I said, holding out my hand. You can imagine how appalled I was when he didn't immediately hand it to me.
"Gimme gimme never gets! Don't you know your manners yet?" He sang like the 4 year old girl we all knew he was.
That's it. I don't have time for this! I snatched the paper from his hand and bitch slapped him. What's a sundae without a cherry right?
"Alec, get your car ready! We're going to Brooklyn!"
Alec sighed dramatically. "Do I have to?"
God, sometimes he was such a drama queen.
OoOoOoO
"OPEN THE DOOR PEASANT BEFORE I KNOCK IT DOWN!"
The door opened and a microscopic redhead stepped out. She was kind of hot, but I knew I couldn't stray from my mission.
"May I help you?" she asked, sounding kind of annoyed even though I knew she wanted me.
I gave her my award-winning smile. "Hey little girl, is your brother home?"
She sighed as she stuffed the rest of her pizza slice into her mouth and let out quite the impressive burp. "Jonathan! One of your weird friends is here to see you!" she yelled, pulling out a second piece of pizza from the pizza box she held in her other hand.
"Hey, stop hogging all the pizza!" said a tall blond guy, taking the pizza box from her and throwing it on the couch. Then he turned to me as though he didn't notice me until now, which is adorable because who could miss me? I'm amazing. He smiled. "Sup, man. Do I know you?"
"AFTER I'M DONE WITH YOU THE ONLY THING YOU WILL SEE WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES IS MY FIST! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU EVER CHOSE TO DO BATTLE WITH THE GREAT AND MIGHTY GOD OF THE SUN!"
Jonathan sighed. "You're looking for the Mortal Instrument right?"
"YES AND-"
"One second. CLARY! GET DOWN HERE!"
The blond guy left as the tiny redhead returned, stepping up to the door. "Can I help you?" she said with a cocky smirk.
"You- You're the Mortal Instrument?"
"Yup." She popped her P.
"How… old are you?"
She smiled. "Sixteen."
"Wha- you're only a year younger than me!"
"Yup," she said, popping her lips again as her smirk grew. "Are you God of the Sun?" She snorted as I nodded my head, still shocked. "You play like a twelve year old! Newb!"
Oh. Hell. No.
"HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE GREAT AND MIGHTY GOD OF THE SUN YOU INFERIOR CARROT!"
"Uh, it's red, not orange!" she said, flicking her scarlet hair off her shoulder. "Get your colors straight, Goldie Locks!"
"Do not mock me! You shall taste my blade, freckle-face! Revenge is a dish best served cold!"
"But I thought you liked you porridge warm, Goldie Locks." She taunted.
"STOP CALLING ME THAT YOU UNDER-DEVELOPED MIDGET!"
"I'm sorry, would you prefer sunshine? Or how about Ducky?"
"DO NOT COMPARE ME TO THOSE BLOOD-THIRSTY BEASTS!"
"Listen, this has been great, really. But it's late and I have a box of pizza waiting for me so…" she began to slowly close the door.
"Wait," I said, giving her my best pantie-dropping smile. "Not gonna lie, this kinda turned me on. So what do you say? You, me, dinner?"
"No." She said as the door swung towards my face.
And that, kids, is how I met your mother.