A/N: The bits of Lockhart's speech are from CoS, obviously written by JK Rowling & not me. But enjoy the rest & BE SURE to REVIEW!!! Hooray for reviewers!
XxX
Great Hall
7:30 AM
Katie Bell hated Gilderoy Lockhart. Passionately.
She hadn't hated him previously; she may have even agreed with Witch Weekly that his smile was rather charming. But that was beside the point. This morning, the golden haired professor headed the top of the fourth-year chaser's list of people she would like to see run over by the Knight Bus.
She glowered at the pink confetti which fell from the ceiling and into her bowl of dyed pink porridge. Angelina Johnson and Alicia Spinnet were sitting opposite her, both giggling madly and waving as Lockhart beamed down at them. His violent pink robes matched the grotesque flowers and hearts that covered the Great Hall.
"Happy Valentine's Day!" he shouted, once the noise had died down. "And may I thank the forty-six people who have so far sent me cards! Yes, I have taken the liberty of arranging this little surprise for you all---and it doesn't end here!"
"Sweet mother of Merlin!" Katie groaned as Lockhart clapped his hands, beckoning in twelve dwarves dressed as particularly surly-looking cupids. Angelina and Alicia exchanged excited looks and stood up to see the display more clearly.
"My friendly, card-carrying cupids!" The professor continued, waving his arms overzealously. "They will be roving around the school today delivering your valentines! And the fun doesn't stop here! I'm sure my colleagues will want to enter into the spirit of the occasion! Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a Love Potion? And while you're at it, Professor Flitwick knows more about Entrancing Enchantments than any wizard I've ever met, the sly old dog!"
Katie tried to ignore the fact that her two best friends now had their heads together, probably excitedly discussing the chances that Snape or Flitwick would comply with this. She gripped her wand and angrily tried to prod some of the pink confetti out of her porridge.
"Now don't tell me you're not enjoying your breakfast, Katie Kate!" shouted Fred Weasley as he and his twin brother George scrambled onto the bench, one on each side of her.
"Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!" Fred yelled as George squeezed Katie into a thoroughly unwanted hug. He beamed as she pushed him away. Fred now seized her and planted a sloppy kiss on the side of her cheek.
"Oh, gross, Fred!" she shouted, giving him a good kick and rubbing her face vigorously. "Sod off, will you?" Angelina and Alicia grinned and blushed as they exchanged kisses on the cheek with the twins.
"But it's Valentine's Day!" he shouted, grinning devilishly once he'd returned to his seat.
"Cutesy courtship and cuddling day!" joined in George, sitting down in his previous position.
"Super fun sappy, happy day!"
"Joyous day of juxtaposition!"
"And love!" they shouted together, throwing their arms around one another with Katie squished in the middle.
"Bloody hell, get off of me!" Katie snarled, shoving Fred and elbowing George in the ribs.
"Just trying to spread Valentine's Day cheer!" Fred said, undaunted. He and George began to pile food that was dyed in various shades of red and pink onto their plates as Lee Jordan emerged from a side door.
"What the hell is going on in here?" he asked groggily, wiping his eyes. "Had a lie-in…"
"It's Valentine's Day, Jordan," Angelina said in tones that were slightly more cheerful than her usual address to Lee. She smiled at him flirtatiously and he observed her, clearly confused.
"What's with you?" he asked, sitting down next to her. Angelina huffed and turned away, beginning to talk to Alicia pointedly.
"What?" he asked, turning to the twins. "Did I do something wrong?'
"I think she may actually be giving you a chance today, mate," Fred said cheerfully, shoveling magenta eggs down his throat.
"Yeah, you might want to take advantage of it," George echoed, looking pointedly at the legion of winged dwarves which were currently pacing the tables and taking orders from various students. "You never know how long it will last with her."
"Ohhh," Lee said, understanding dawning on him. "Right. I must be off, then. You understand."
The twins nodded as Lee rushed off in the direction of the greenhouses, probably trying to ascertain whether Professor Sprout grew roses there to have delivered to Angelina. Katie rolled her eyes and stabbed a piece of bacon rather violently, chewing without bothering to close her mouth.
"Something wrong, dear?" Fred asked pleasantly, observing her with a slightly bemused expression. "Don't you like the decorations?"
"My eyes are burning," Katie said shortly without looking up at him.
"I'm used to it," George butted in, grinning obsequiously. "The brightness you exude makes this place look like Azkaban." He batted his unusually long eyelashes at her.
Fred threw his twin a nasty look and George's eyes widened; he swallowed his breakfast roll whole and turned to make conversation with the two girls across the table. Fred returned to Katie, cheeky grin back in place.
"What I was going to say," he said, voice dripping with over-sentimentality, "Is that I'm used to it. The brightness you exude makes this place look like Azkaban." He batted his eyelashes in the exact manner George had.
Katie scoffed. "How original," she said flatly.
"I know," he said in a very self-satisfied way as he yawned, stretched, and placed his arm around her. "Your best mate is a certifiable genius."
"I think you're just certifiable," she snapped, shrugging his arm off and returning to her breakfast.
"Come now, Katie Kate," Fred said obnoxiously. "What's bothering my girl? Disappointed that you haven't got a fella?" He winked.
"No," Katie said quickly and with conviction.
"I think that's it. Come on, you can tell ol' Fred."
"That's not it," Katie growled. "I just bloody hate Gilderoy Lockhart!"
"Oh is that so? I thought he had a charming smile…" His eyes twinkled knowingly and Katie scowled at him.
"I said no such thing," she lied openly. "He's a wanking git and I hope he burns in hell."
"Steady on!" Fred cried, laughing loudly. "Those are strong words from such a small girl! I'll go let him know, shall I? Or perhaps we write it down and make his forty-six cards forty-seven?"
"I hate this effing holiday," Katie muttered darkly into her orange juice.
"Ah, Katie Kate," Fred said in mock sympathetic tones. "Do not yet despair, for I have a feeling that before the day is through, you'll have a valentine from a most charming lad." He winked at her and Katie opened her mouth, but before she could intone her threats against sending her a dung bomb wrapped in tissue paper, there came a loud moan from Alicia.
The four others followed the blonde girl's gaze to find Oliver Wood shrugging off a persistent dwarf who was hitting him upside the head with a harp.
"Ow! No," Wood said, annoyed. "For the last time, I don't want to send any valentines! Can you grasp that?"
Alicia buried her face in her arms and moaned again. "I knew it!" she wailed. "I knew it was hopeless! He'll never fancy me!"
Angelina patted her back and muttered "There, there," while George produced a large bottle of a suspicious looking substance and pushed it toward her.
"Here, Alicia," said George, fighting to control a grin. "Butter beer. It will make you feel better, guaranteed."
Alicia looked up and grabbed the bottle. Her normally scrutinizing self temporarily abandoned, she quickly downed the entire bottle without coming up for air once. Her friends' eyes widened as she brushed the froth from her mouth.
"Here," George said, immediately handing her an even larger flask. "Maybe you should keep this with you."
"It didn't taste like butter beer," Alicia said thickly.
"Oh, it is," George said. "I solemnly swear."
"It's not," Fred whispered into Katie's ear. "He's spiked it with firewhisky."
XxX
Transfiguration
8:00 AM
Lee hustled into Transfiguration several minutes late, looking out of breath but particularly pleased with himself. Katie rolled her eyes as the quidditch commentator sat down next to Angelina who had shoved her Ravenclaw desk-mate onto the floor to make room for him.
"I can't believe he's given in to this overrated, commercialized holiday from hell!" she whispered urgently to Alicia who was sitting beside her. "It's one thing for the twins to be obnoxious about it, but I seriously can't believe that Lee's buying into it! I thought he had more sense than that!"
"Yeah, well, he's liked Ange for a long time," Alicia returned lazily, clearly not interested in the conversation.
"I mean really," Katie continued, unphased. "I'll bet you anything he's spent at least ten galleons getting those stupid lump-of-flesh cupids to run around delivering gifts to Ange all day! Flowers! Teddy bears! Chocolate hearts! For the life of me, I can't figure out why someone would actually want chocolate shaped like an effing organ, can you?"
"I don't know," said Alicia listlessly, looking very much like she wouldn't mind organ-shaped chocolate if it came from a certain quidditch captain. Her half-closed eyes drifted longingly toward the flask of firewhisky which sat at the corner of their desk. George noticed this and glanced over from the table where he and Fred sat, a malicious glint in his eye. Catching his twin's gaze and Katie's scowl, Fred flashed a smarmy grin and blew her a kiss.
"Yoohoo!" he called out in high falsetto. Katie glared at him darkly and gave him the finger.
"That will do, Mr. Weasley," Professor McGonagall said sharply, moving up the aisles with a noticeably faster speed and tighter jaw line. "Mr. Jordan, you're late. Ten points from Gryffindor!"
The Gryffindors' eyes widened. Ten points for being late? Lee looked shocked, but Angelina patted him on the back, simpering. Katie gripped her quill so hard that it broke in two. Alicia took a quick swig from the flask of spiked butter beer.
In the middle of their assignment for the day—silent hour-long O.W.L. prep sheets—the door burst open and half a dozen dwarves filled the room, shouting out names and dropping everything from teddy bears to expensive jewelry into the laps of giggling girls. Some even began to sing. The twins appeared to have sent one another pairs of their own socks.
"Forge, you shouldn't have!" squealed Fred, holding up the old pair of socks. "These were yours!"
"And these were yours!" shouted George, brandishing a pair identical to the ones in Fred's hand. "Oh, Gred…"
Katie watched with disgust as a particularly fat dwarf placed a dozen roses in front of Angelina. She giggled and twisted one of Lee's dreadlocks.
"I can't believe she's doing that!" Katie said incredulously. "She doesn't even fancy him!"
But her protests were not heard over the exclamations of joy and the shouts of Professor McGonagall as she violently pushed the dwarves out the door. When the chaos had died down, every girl in the classroom with the exception of Katie and Alicia had a present on her desk. Alicia's lips appeared to be glued to the alcohol. Katie grinded her teeth, glowering down at her O.W.L. prep sheet and refusing to look anywhere else.
"Oi, Katie Kate!" Fred called. "Don't look so glum, you can have these!" She frowned over at where Fred was waving his pair of George's old socks.
"MR. WEASLEY!"
The once jubilant red-head now swallowed and bent his head back down over his paper. Katie just rolled her eyes.
On the way out of the classroom, Angelina flounced in front of Alicia and Katie, showing off the bouquet of roses from Lee.
"And they're red," she gushed, stroking one of the petals. "My absolute favorite!"
Alicia broke past, chugging the liquid from the flask with determination. Katie rushed to catch up with her and caught her arm as the blonde swayed slightly.
"Alicia, that's spiked!" she said exasperated as she shook her friend sober.
"I know, thank Merlin!" said Alicia, again drinking deeply as Oliver Wood passed the pair of them without looking up.
XxX
Potions
9:15 AM
"Why the hell is it that every year, the only class we have doubles of is Potions!? Every effing year it's the same! And guess who it's always with? The sodding Slytherins! Like we just love Snape and we just love duffers like Flint and Warrington and Bole and Derrick. Yes, we just think they're so sexy and we want to spend all our time with them, stewing over this ruddy worthless subject and--"
"I don't think it's so worthless, Katie Kate." Fred interrupted Katie's long and vindictive monologue with a grin and a wink. "After all, now we know how to make love potions. Which is perfect like a day for today."
"If you and George even think about brewing one up and slipping it to me so I snog Bole or someone, I swear I will twist your abnormally long neck beyond its usual capacities, Fred Weasley," she threatened, glaring up at him.
"We hadn't thought of that, had we, Fred?" George said excitedly. "Good idea, Kates."
"Can't wait until next year," Fred agreed as he and his twin took their places beside their cauldron.
"I hate those two," Katie fumed as she sidled in next to Alicia. Normally, Angelina and Alicia were cauldron partners and Katie was paired with Lee, but today Ange led Lee over to their cauldron by the hand, making sure to display her bouquet of roses to all who might care to see. Lee followed with a love-sick grin on his face as though completely amazed by his luck.
"What two? Fred-'n-George or Lee-'n-Ange?" Alicia slurred, gazing across at Katie with hazy eyes.
"Dammit, Alicia, it's nine in the morning," Katie snapped, forcibly taking the firewhiskey away from her friend.
Alicia made a wild attempt to leap across the cauldron and regain the flask, but missed by a good foot and the pair of them toppled over. Alicia immediately burst into tears and lay spread-eagle on the dungeon floor.
"I want it back, Katie, give it back!" she sobbed, regressing into the fetal position. Katie stared, wide-eyed, at her witless friend as several of the class turned to observe them curiously.
"Now, Katie, how could you be so cruel?" George said in offended tones as he leapt to his feet and gallantly helped Alicia off of the ground. "Taking the one thing that has made this day bearable for poor Lissy Spinnet here?"
"You just want to see her get hammered!" Katie said accusatorily, poking George in the ribs. George ignored her and sat Alicia back down in her chair, stroking her blonde hair and making obnoxious cooing noises. He used a quick summoning spell and returned the flask to her, grinning devilishly and sitting back down with Fred.
"Fred, do something!" Katie shouted angrily, causing the class to stare at her. "Your twin brother is getting our best friend completely off her face!"
Fred pretended not to hear her. "Ooh, look, here comes Snape!" he said with glee, leaping up from his chair and giving the potions master a standing ovation as he strode into the room threateningly, black cape and greasy hair billowing behind him. George immediately joined in, making cat calls and whistling.
"I see that the two witless wonders have made it to my class today," Snape drawled, turning to face the twins.
"He addressed us, George!" Fred gasped, clutching his mouth. George pretended to blush and waved at Snape in a shy, flirtatious manner. Fred copied his actions with added giggling.
Snape waved his wand lazily and a pair of matching gags appeared directly in front of the twins' faces. Both Fred and George gulped and fell silent at exactly the same time.
"Now that that matter is settled," he went on, flicking his wand again and causing the threat to disappear, "Today is going to be a day of real work, despite the fact that some of you who are less blessed with brains might agree with a certain professor in thinking that today is simply a day of frivolity and—" Here, his face turned into a scowl—"romance. In this dungeon, we leave that nonsense behind. And if I catch so much as a glimpse of any gift giving, I shall hand out detention faster than you can transition from teenage angst into obnoxious flirtation. Do I make myself clear?"
Angelina and several of the other girls in the room looked scandalized. Katie felt an unfamiliar appreciation for the professor she usually referred to as a slimy git and grinned maliciously as a pretty Slytherin girl sadly tucked a teddy bear away in her bag. Lee glanced around nervously, clearly wondering how he was going to keep Ange appeased for the next hour without giving her another present. Alicia actually let her fingers fall from the flask of firewhiskey and George's face showed clear disappointment that his fun for the day would take a temporary vacation.
"Miserable old git," he complained in a not so careful whisper. "Ruining our lot's fun because he's got his own wand up his arse about Valentine's Day."
"Detention, Weasley Number Two," Snape said icily. Katie marveled at the man's ability to tell the twins apart without bothering to call them by their appropriate names as Fred gloated over being Weasley Number One.
"We will be brewing up an invisibility potion today," he said sharply, conjuring up instructions on the board. "And if you add so much as one extra porcupine quill, I will personally make sure you fail this lesson. Ingredients out and begin!"
"Professor!" Katie blurted out incredulously, "That's seventh year work! An invisibility potion isn't even in our textbook!"
"Hence the directions on the board, Miss Bell," Snape said lazily. "Now get to work! As an exceptionally slow potion-brewer, you will need the full hour of class time to perform this properly."
Katie glared at him, shredding small bits of parchment in her hand as she did so. "Take back all the warm sentiments I had toward him this morning," she hissed to Alicia.
"Wha?" Alicia said stupidly. "Whas a-goin' on, Kay-tee?"
"Oh, Merlin," Katie groaned, smacking her forehead. "Get it together, Al, I need you to help me brew this potion!"
"D'you think Alex Gatsby looks a lil' smidgeon like Ol-ver?" Alicia asked, cocking her head and closing her left eye to stare at a student from across the room. "I like Ol-ver, Kay-tee. But he doesn't like me, nope, he shurrrr doesn't!" She began sucking down more firewhisky just as Snape strode past.
"Beverages are not allowed in the dungeon, Spinnet," he droned. "A point from Gryffindor."
For the second time in ten minutes, Alicia burst into tears. Snape turned, almost looking shocked. Katie stared incredulously as the professor awkwardly watched his student bawl into her cauldron.
"Miss Spinnet?" he asked, almost afraid of what to expect. This only made Alicia cry harder.
"I'm a terrible person!" she wailed, suddenly surprisingly articulate for someone who was both drunk and bawling the English Channel into her cauldron. "I am a horrible student and Ol-ver Eff-eeg Wood will never love me now, after he's found out I've lost Gryffindor a point! Oh, what a world!"
Snape took this as his cue to leave and vented his feelings of awkwardness by snapping particularly hard at an auburn haired girl for dropping her bottle of frog's legs on the floor. He then happened to stumble across Fred and George just as they were taking turns tying pink and red ribbons in each other's hair.
"Absolutely not today," he barked out harshly and both of the twins' heads shot up.
"Can we help you, Professor?" Fred said cheekily. He caught Katie's eye and winked. Katie refused to respond and began to organize the ingredients for the potion that it appeared she would be making entirely on her own as Alicia was still moaning into her flask.
"I don't think you can offer the kind of help I require regarding the pair of you," said Snape sinisterly. "You may take that statement as you wish."
"You're upset that Hogwarts doesn't approve of Professor-Student relationships, aren't you, Severus?" George said, nodding understandingly.
"It's alright," Fred said bracingly. "George and I know we're very attractive."
A nerve was going in Snape's jaw, pulsing at lightening speed. The lengths he was going to control his temper were astounding. Fred and George remained unphased, identical grins spread across their faces as they gazed up at their professor.
"The two of you," Snape whispered dangerously so that the entire class was now focused on Fred and George, "Will remove those ridiculous ribbons from your idiotically long hair and will find new partners immediately. You will finish this potion and it will be on my desk before the end of class and I will not hear one more word from either of you, or I will personally make sure that you will not play in Gryffindor's next quidditch match. Can you understand?"
The twins' grins disappeared and were replaced by scowls. Lee let out a low whistle and Angelina clung onto him desperately. "Neither of you is partnering with Lee today!" she declared.
Fred shrugged easily. "I'll be with Katie Kate, then," he returned, wiggling his eyebrows at her. Katie groaned and sunk down in her seat.
"Not you," she moaned.
"You're leaving me with the drunk?!" George whined.
"It's your own damn fault," Katie spat as Alicia fell onto George while trying to make her way over to his cauldron.
"Isn't this great, Katie Kate Kate Kate?" Fred said in a sing-song voice as he expertly began to concoct the potion. For as much as he messed around with George, he was a rather brilliant potion maker and Katie despised him for it.
"No," she said darkly.
"D'you think it's a sign that we ended up being cauldron partners on Valentine's Day?" he asked smarmily as he handed her three porcupine quills to grind into powder.
"No," she said more sharply this time.
"You're probably right," Fred said easily. "Because I happen to know that by the end of the day, you will be so flooded with admirers that you won't give good ol' Fred a second thought."
Katie scoffed. "Can we please just once today forget that it's Valentine's Day?! Please?"
"Never, Katie Kate. Because in about ten seconds, our little winged friends will come bursting through that door and you will be so overcome with joy that you'll forget that you wanted forget that it's Valentine's Day! And you'll also quit grinding those porcupine quills into unusable shit. Honestly Bell, it said rather fine powder, not imperceptible granules of dust the size of your heart's capacity for affection."
"You do it then, if you're so brilliant!" Katie snarled, thrusting the tool into his lap. The effect of her outburst was eclipsed, however, as Fred was proven right and two dozen of Lockhart's cupids burst through the door. There were twice as many as had been in McGonagall's class.
"No!" Snape shouted. "Absolutely not!"
But four dwarves had already grabbed him and were hog-tying him into his chair and the others ran around the room singing and thrusting gifts into the laps of more and more giggling girls. The loudest squeal came from Angelina as a dwarf presented her with two dozen daisies and Lee went wild as Ange kissed him on the cheek. Fred and George once again were discovered to have sent each other gifts—this time, it was each other's quidditch jackets which both read "Weasley" on the back. They were just as delighted as they were with the socks. Katie was shouting at the top of her lungs about all of them being a disgrace for giving in to peer pressure and in the middle of the din sat Alicia, calmly sipping her alcohol, teetering precariously on the edge of her chair.
"Look, Kates!" Fred suddenly yelled, throwing his hands over her mouth and thrusting her head in the direction of Marcus Flint. A dwarf was dropping a box of chocolates onto his lap and his face contorted with surprise.
"What?!" Katie shouted, knocking Fred's hands aside. "That buck-toothed buffoon is getting Valentine's Day presents before I do?!"
"I thought you weren't into the holiday?" Fred smirked. "And besides, how d'you know they're from an admirer?"
"Well who else would they be from?!" she shouted, and then realization dawned on her. "Oh no," she said. "What did you and George do to those chocolates?"
"It was actually just me on this one," Fred said with a wink. "And watch."
Flint, greedy and pig-headed as he was, tore the box open and started shoving chocolate down his throat like a maniac. Surely nothing could be more horrific than this spectacle, but Katie kept watching, somehow hypnotized by the grossness of it. When he had finished them all, a stupid kind of grin spread across his dull looking face and he swiveled around to stare at Katie. When their eyes met, he raised a hand and waved his fingers, blushing and grinning like an idiot. Katie's eyes widened and she felt her stomach flip over. He began to blow kisses and Fred was doubled over in his seat, laughing hysterically with tears in his eyes.
"You!!!" Katie shouted. "You horrific, wanking sack of monkey shit!"
"Look, there's more!" Fred shouted with glee, barely able to get out the words. Katie whirled around and all over the room, members of the Slytherin quidditch team were shoveling chocolate down their mouths and then turning to Katie, making obscene gestures and declaring their undying love and lust.
"Even Draco Malfoy should be opening his right about now," Fred said smiling and checking his wristwatch. "Told you you'd have admirers, Katie Kate."
XxX
West Wing Corridor
10:15 AM
"But I am desperately in love with you, Kathryn Persephone Bell! My soul burns with the light of a million fires at just the sight of your left pinky!"
"Sod off!" yelled Katie Bell as she raced through the hallway, shoving aside students and staff alike as she fled from the romantic declarations of Marcus Flint. Of all the Slytherins that had had love potion slipped to them by Fred Weasley, Flint was by far the most affected. George observed casually that this might be because Flint had already taken to watching her change in the quidditch locker rooms weeks earlier. After pummeling the offending Weasley, Katie proceeded to use her reserve strength to escape the other six members of the Slytherin quidditch team.
Fred had been dead on with his prediction about Malfoy. Just as they exited Potions, the second-year had emerged from his own classroom and thrust himself upon Katie, attempting to shove his tongue down her throat. Horrified, Katie clocked him in the jaw and he slumped to the ground without any further incident. Warrington she had managed to distract by cutting across the Great Hall where lunch was being served. Apparently miniature pink turkey legs were more tempting than Katie herself. She had no objections. Bole and Derrick she had been lucky with. The two beaters attempted to capture Katie as she sprinted down the third floor corridor with one on each side of her, but the chaser was too quick and the two oversized Slytherins crashed into each other and lay unconscious with no one caring enough to revive either of them. Adrian Pucey had been handed a blob of gillyweed and told to meet her at the bottom of the Black Lake. It was now only the fearless captain that Katie had to outrun.
"Your words wound me like the sound of a newborn's cry of pain!" Flint bellowed down the hall to many people's amusement.
Lockhart clapped his hands, looking delighted. "Exactly what I wanted today!" he beamed.
"Out of my way, bloody tosser!" Katie snarled, blasting the professor out of the way with her wand.
"I say!" squeaked Professor Flitwick as Flint leapt clean over him.
"HELP ME!" Katie shrieked, flying through the halls. "Someone!"
She passed Angelina who was clutching all three dozen of her flowers from Lee and redirected her path slightly to ensure that she caused some of the petals to fall from the stem as she whizzed by. Ange wailed and Lee patted her awkwardly on the head, mending the flowers with a slight flick of his wand.
"Will someone please bloody save me?!" she shouted.
She whizzed by Oliver Wood, who was embarrassedly trying to stuff the three dozen cards dumped on him by a dwarf into his school bag without being seen. Not surprisingly, she heard her friend's wails not far behind. George and Alicia appeared around the corner. George was refilling Alicia's flask, but looking increasingly uncertain about his prank of the day as Alicia struggled to walk a straight line.
"Save me!" she yelled desperately. "George, save me!"
"Of course I'll save you!" George cried gallantly as she fled past. Marcus Flint followed close behind and shoved George out of the way.
"Hey now!" George shouted. "Bloody git!" He scrambled to his feet and started pursuing Flint.
Alicia wailed that George hadn't finished filling her "pumpkin juice" bottle and staggered drunkenly after the other three. Colin and Dennis Creevey were nearly knocked over as the four of them whizzed by.
"What was that?" Dennis asked his older brother excitedly.
"Well," Colin said slowly. "I'm not sure, but I think it was a Gryffindor chaser being chased by her Slytherin boyfriend who's being chased by one of the Weasleys who's being chased by a drunken blonde girl. Come on, let's get a picture!"
XxX
Secret Passageway
10:21 AM
Katie, remembering just in time, turned a sharp corner and slammed herself against a stone wall which revolved and deposited her into a dark passageway which Fred and George had shown her several years ago. Seconds later, the red-head himself tumbled after her and Alicia somehow managed to squeeze past, firewhiskey splashing across her robes.
"I think he saw us," George panted. "Come on, run!"
So the three of them began to sprint once again. Katie, in the lead, took several turns and twists, not having the faintest bloody idea where she was leading them. Occasionally, George shouted directions from the back and finally, they tumbled out into a corridor full of first years. Katie stumbled straight into Fred.
XxX
First Years' Hallway
10:23 AM
"Katie Kate!" Fred cried pleasantly, not bothering to lift a hand as Katie scrambled back to her feet. George and Alicia emerged seconds later.
"Twin!" Fred yelled. "Come quick, you must see what ickle Ginny-kins has in store for Harry!"
Whirling around, Katie saw the twins' small sister Ginny blushing to the roots of her red hair as Harry Potter was tackled to the ground by a winged dwarf. The dwarf sat on Harry decidedly and pulled out his harp. After muttering something, he began to sing:
"His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard!
He's really divine, How I wish he were mine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord!"
Fred and George burst into peals of laughter as Harry scrambled to his feet and ran away. Katie grimaced and grabbed Alicia's wrist, kicking aside a smaller dwarf who was attempting to present a frilly pink heart to an eager looking first year.
XxX
Great Hall
12:00 Noon
Katie left her fuschia soup untouched as she watched the insanity that was Valentine's Day double. Angelina was now practically molesting Lee in front of all of Gryffindor table as a dwarf dropped yet another bouquet of flowers on her lap. This time they were lilies. George had hid the flask of alcohol from Alicia who was wailing and pleading with him for more. Katie was sitting and waiting impatiently as Fred performed the finishing touches on her disillusionment charm.
"There," Fred grinned happily. "They shan't recognize you now."
"What do I look like?" Katie asked.
"Er—"
Scowling, she picked up a spoon. She stared at her upside-down self in shock. Her nose was about three times as large and the long wiry hair that was sprouting from her head was a disgusting shade of pink.
"Fred!"
"It's Valentine's Day!"
"I'm bloody well aware of that now," Katie snapped. She sighed and sunk her head into her arms.
"Who knew Lissy would have turned out to be so prone to alcoholism?" Fred commented, ignoring his friend's mood.
"Who knew you could be such an ass?" she spat, getting up and stalking out of the Great Hall.
"I did!" he called after her in a jaunty voice.
XxX
History of Magic
1:00 PM
Professor Binns alone took no notice as the band of card-carrying cupids burst through his door. Binns droned on as Katie began to pull out pieces of her hair—now restored back to normal—as a basket of hydrangeas made its way into Angelina's open arms. Binns droned on as Alicia blatantly attacked George and downed several more swallows of spiked butter beer. He droned on as a dwarf sang a particularly sensual song to a Ravenclaw student. He droned on as Fred and George were delivered identical pairs of each other's boxers. And he droned right on as Katie shrieked at the top of her lungs when seven separate dwarves dropped seven pairs of lacey knickers onto her lap.
"What the hell is this?!" she yelled, holding up a pair that was bright red. Fred grinned and held up the tag.
"To my eternal sunshine, From Adrian Pucey," he read. His white teeth flashed and Katie dropped them instantly.
George joined the game. "I'd love to see you in these like I'd love to see you as my wife, From Derrick."
"So at least something I've touched will reach your arse. Love, Bole."
"Draco Malfoy without Katie Bell is like Terry Boot without the smell. That one's clever, I'll give the git that…"
"I dreamed of you wearing these while I slept through Potions. From, Warrington. Real high achiever, that one."
"Here's the clincher! May our lives together run as silkily as these knickers. Marry me? Marcus Flint."
"KATIE'S GETTING MARRIED! KATIE'S GETTING MARRIED!!" the twins sang out obnoxiously. Professor Binns paused to yawn and then commenced with the Goblin Rebellion of 1613.
XxX
Divination
2:15 PM
Two dwarves made their way through the various poufs and cushions and each placed a small goblet in front of each of the twins. Katie recognized one of the dwarves as the one she had kicked in the first year corridor as he was currently missing a wing and had a bruise on his left shoulder blade instead.
"Cool!" Fred and George exclaimed simultaneously. "You're the best, brother!'
They reached out onto each other's head and both winced as they plucked a single hair off the other's scalp. They dropped it into their glasses, watched it pop and fizz, and downed the whole thing in one swallow. A few seconds later, there was no observable difference, but the twins exchanged excited glances and high-fived one another.
"We're each other!" they shouted. "Wicked!"
The Hufflepuffs that sat at their table looked at one another, obviously confused.
Katie scoffed. "They can be so moronic," she observed to Alicia. "Taking polyjuice potion to turn into each other! They only way you can tell the difference is that Fred's eyebrows are slightly farther apart!"
"An-yoo'd be th'only one who'd know," Alicia slurred. "Because yoo luhhhv him."
"You're drunker than I thought," said Katie, disgusted. "Oh, look. Here comes more flowers for Ange."
Alicia slurped up firewhiskey as Angelina graciously accepted bamboo stalks and irises from the hands of six waiting dwarves. She ruffled Lee's dreadlocks and he knocked over a crystal ball trying to pull out her chair for her.
"I 'ate my 'orrible life!" Alicia wailed miserably. Katie glowered as various candies and cards from the love-potion-poisoned Slytherins were piled on her desk. She muttered a quick vanishing spell and they disappeared. "Even you is getting val'n-times and you're a bitter spin-stur!"
"I am not!" Katie said angrily. "And I hardly think it counts if Marcus Flint is giving me potion induced declarations of affection. Would you like it if Oliver was coerced into giving you a card?"
"I wouldn't mind," Alicia answered. "Hey Kay-tee, wanna help me make po-shun?"
She was saved from answering as Professor Trelawney had chosen that moment to swoop down on their table.
"Look into the crystal ball, my dear," she said airily, beckoning to Alicia. "And tell me what it is that you see."
Alicia glanced miserably at the glass sphere and pouted out, "I see myself living a miserable, loveless existence until I finally die fat and alone, half eaten by wild hippogriffs."
"Excellent!" Trelawney cried and Katie's jaw dropped. "And you, my sweet?" she asked, turning to Katie. "What do you see?"
Katie glanced into the ball doubtfully, but nothing was coming.
"I see—I see…I see Marcus Flint bursting through the door with a ring in his hand!"
The rest of the class roared with laughter as Flint sprinted over to Katie and fell on one knee, but no one laughed harder than Fred Weasley.
"Katie, my sweet!" Flint cried. "I've admired you from afar for years now. And though your family is decidedly beneath mine and you have, in fact, a very large nose, I have decided to honor you with my hand in marriage. Do you accept?"
Trelawney and a couple of girls from the back row gushed as Alicia wailed and Fred appeared to be having a seizure.
"Do I accept?!" Katie exploded. "Flint, the only way I would ever accept you is if I only had the choice between you and Fred Weasley!"
"Hey!" Fred shouted from his table.
"And where d'you come off, huh? Where the hell do you come off insulting my family and my nose?! You were the one that broke it, remember?! Quidditch match two years ago! You grabbed George's beater's bat and broke it!"
"You've just broken me, Katie Bell," said Flint solemnly as he pocketed the ugly ring. "But I'll always wait for you. Whenever you're ready. Just let me know."
Flint retreated out the door with a parting wave. The class erupted into laughter and several girls cooed. Fred's freckled face stood out distinctly as tears made their way out of the corners of his happy brown eyes. Katie suddenly leapt to her feet and turned to face the class. They fell silent, clearly waiting for her to say something. She opened her mouth, but instead of speaking, she burst into tears, turned, and ran out the door.
"I guess she wants Flint after all," Angelina said stupidly. "Oh, how romantic!"
XxX
Dueling Club
7:30 PM
Katie emerged from the side-door, fresh-robed and fresh-faced. Her friends turned to stare at her. No one had seen her since she had fled Divination earlier that afternoon. As she walked, several people parted, making her way to where Lockhart beamed down from the table. Without saying a word, Katie stepped up and onto the table, shoved aside a second-year who was apparently practicing wand movements with the professor, drew her wand and bellowed "Encardari!"
Lockhart flew against the wall, magically pinned there. Katie walked toward him slowly, jaw set and wand out. As she passed, the huge pink flowers that covered the walls of the hall burst into flame and the ashes disappeared before they hit the floor. Several girls screamed and she could distinctly hear Angelina fuss about her new batch of nasturtium getting damaged.
Gilderoy Lockhart flashed her a charming smile when she reached him.
"Miss Bell!" he said cheerily. "How good to see you've made it! And excellent charm work, if you could just let me down now…"
She narrowed her eyes and pointed her wand at his throat. "I hate you," she hissed dangerously. "I hate you and every one of your friendly card-carrying cupids. And if you ever even consider celebrating Valentine's Day at Hogwarts again, I will personally knock out your two front teeth. Let's see how charming Witch Weekly finds that."
"She will, too," Fred said brightly. "She's vicious."
"And you!" Katie whirled on him. "Don't even make me start on you! I thought you were my friend, but now I see that the only reason you keep me around is so you can have another target for all your stupid jokes! This was a bad day for me and instead of helping me through it, you made it worse. I don't want to see you again until you have a very large present to give to me."
And with that, she released Lockhart who fell to the floor in a heap of satin robes and stormed out of the hall.
XxX
Gryffindor Common Room
11:45 PM
The rest of that year's Valentine's Day passed with little event unless you counted Angelina's taking ten trips up to their dormitory just to bring up all the flowers she received from Lee. She left him in the common room without so much as a goodbye and Lee, swearing under his breath about ten galleons and not even one lousy kiss, stalked up to his room silently. The twins ignored everyone else except for Harry Potter as they chased him around the room singing "His eyes are as fresh as a green pickled toad" until he retired to bed and they then disappeared into the hall. Oliver Wood sat on a love seat, moodily tossing his valentines into the fire one by one, declaring to anyone that would listen that the only girls he was interested in receiving attention from were veela. Alicia watched his progress sorrowfully, draining the last drop of alcohol out of the flask and finally collapsing in a heap at Katie's feet. When Oliver finally drifted off to bed, only Katie and a passed out Alicia remained.
Frowning, Katie kicked her friend. The blonde girl let out an enormous snore, but didn't move. Katie crossed her arms and stared moodily into the fire. Moments later, the portrait hole opened and she looked over to find Fred scrambling in, levitating George easily with his wand. George was tied and gagged, a gigantic pink bow tied around his pinstriped pyjamas. Fred grinned and flopped on the couch next to Katie.
"Here's that very large present you were wanting, Katie Kate!" he declared as he caused George to do a flip in mid-air. He very clearly fancied himself hysterically funny at the moment.
"What makes you think George qualifies as a present?" Katie asked sourly. "He was just about as awful to me today as you were."
"You've hit on a good point," Fred conceded and allowed his twin to drop to the floor. George groaned through the gag and freed himself of his ribbon prison.
"Bloody hell, Fred," he muttered, rubbing the back of his head, shaggy hair tossed in all directions. "Hey, is that Alicia?"
He pointed over to the lump that was their friend which Katie had moved into an obscure corner of the common room to keep her from being spotted.
"Yeah, that's her," she answered flatly. "Thanks to you, anyway."
George guiltily crawled over to where Alicia lay passed out and threw her over his shoulders.
"Taking her to the Hospital Wing," he muttered, exiting the common room.
"Only good idea you've had all day," Katie returned darkly as he retreated past her sight.
"You know, Katie Kate," Fred said. "You're a curious girl. You're the only one I can think of that could receive massive attention from all seven burly members of a Hogwarts quidditch team as well as a marriage proposal from the captain and still manage to hate Valentine's Day. Very, very curious."
"Quit trying to be funny, Fred," Katie said through clenched teeth. "I'm still mad at you."
"Why?" Fred asked innocently. "I promised you you'd have plenty of admirers and valentines from lads before the day was out, didn't I?"
"Yeah, well you said it would be a charming lad," Katie snorted. "Marcus Flint hardly qualifies."
"I tried to give you George," Fred pointed out. "He's a charming lad. I think if you'd accepted, you would have changed your mind about Valentine's Day."
"Fred!" Katie cried, exasperated. "Look at what this day has done to people! Angelina ruthlessly used Lee for attention, and he emptied out his Gringotts account for nothing because tomorrow she's going treat him exactly the same as she always does! Alicia was snubbed by Oliver and had the additional burden of watching Angelina get like an entire garden delivered to her throughout the day and she's now lying passed out of drunkenness because your brother gave her spiked butter beer! George has detention for Snape because you two decided to get frisky with him and I had to endure explicit invitations from some of the most disgusting people on this planet! Honestly, what one reason do I have to enjoy this day?!"
"Well," Fred mused. "You kicked Gilderoy Lockhart's arse. Not to mention Draco Malfoy's and most of the rest of the quidditch team, which I'm sure Wood will love you for. You single handedly managed to destroy one hundred and twelve giant hearts, sending them bursting into flame and oblivion. Along with me, you made an 'O' worthy invisibility potion this morning and you happened to look very charming doing all of these things. Not to mention, you found out the truth about your best mate's feelings for you."
"Yeah, well those things aren't exactly wonderful, I mean I wish most of them hadn't happened at all and—hey, hold up a second. What was that last thing you said?"
"I said you found out the truth about your best mate's feelings for you."
"Oh," she said dismissively. "Well you'll have to let George down easy, because I'm not into long-necked red-heads that get my friends plastered for fun." Katie was not in the mood for any more of Fred's empty flirtation.
"But what if he slits his wrists over it, Katie Kate? Wouldn't you just feel awful?"
"Fred, for once in your life can you please not try to be funny and apologize to me and get it over with?"
"But what if I'm not sorry?" he whined. "What if I like to pick on you?"
"You like to see me in misery?"
He grinned cheekily. "Absolutely," he quipped.
"Then you've just lost your best friend," Katie said angrily. She stood up to go, but Fred pulled her back.
"What?" she asked, annoyed.
"Just one more thing," he said, holding up a hand.
"What more could you possibly do to me?"
"I promised you two things today. That you'd get a valentine from a charming lad and that you'd find out how your best mate feels about you. Apparently I haven't accomplished either to your liking, so can I have one more shot?"
Katie sighed and stared up at him.
"And I'm sorry I made you cry," he added quickly.
Katie shook her head. "This isn't exactly how it works, Fred," she pointed out. "You're supposed to be romantic on Valentine's Day if you fancy someone, not terrorize them with the Slytherin quidditch team and flirt with your twin brother and potions master."
"I'm a bit unconventional," Fred conceded. He grinned and leaned in to kiss her.
"Fred," Katie said, stopping him and looking slightly exasperated. "I hate Valentine's Day for a lot of reasons, but probably the biggest one is how bloody insincere all of it is. Look at Ange. She flirted with Lee all day so that she could get presents. The rest of these girls do the same thing, and all the lads shower them with attention and stupid frilly cards so that they can get some action."
"So?"
"So if you're expecting me to let you kiss me, you'd better damn well fancy me is all I have to say."
"Katie Kate," Fred yawned, stretching out and putting his feet on the coffee table. "I've known you for a long time. D'you honestly expect me to believe that you would have cared one jot if I sent you teddy bears and heart-shaped chocolate and all the rest of that meaningless rubbish?"
Katie shrugged and then shook her head.
"Exactly," he continued. "So, to show my affection, I've made your life today a living hell, as you so eloquently put it earlier amidst flaming hearts and the shattered dreams of ninety percent of Hogwarts' female population."
"You sicked the entire Slytherin Quidditch team on me to…"
"Show you that I fancied you, yeah."
"You really are unconventional."
"So I can kiss you now, then?"
"Absolutely not."
"What?!"
"It's still Valentine's Day and I still hate it. If I let you kiss me now, do you realize how hypocritical and cliché that would be?"
"But nobody would see…"
"We're waiting."
"Until when!?"
"You see that clock there? When it reads 12:01, it's February the fifteenth. And then I expect you to give me the best kiss I've ever had and ask me out properly."
"But that's three minutes from now!"
"I think you can wait."
"Oh, bugger. Fine, Katie Kate. Have it your way."
And so the two of them waited on tenterhooks for the time to elapse. As it drew nearer, Fred slowly reached out and took Katie's hand. She could feel herself blush, but didn't take her eyes away from the clock.
"Five…four…three…two…one…"