Author's Note: As always, I have my beautiful team to thank for betaing and support.
Written for...
Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition. Team/Position: Holyhead Harpies, Seeker. Task: Use the song I'll Never Smile Again — Tommy Dorsey
Hogwarts Assignment #5. Lesson: Astronomy, task #6. Task: Write about Remus and Teddy Lupin.
Smile
948 words
Remus can hear nothing but his heartbeat, slowing as every second passes. He thinks it will stop by the time the coffin is buried, but his own body surprises him, as it tends to do quite a lot. He stands still and keeps his eyes fixed on the stone, reading the words over and over until they lose meaning.
Sirius Orion Black. 1959-1998. Beloved husband and father.
Time moves quickly. He knows he's taken too much of the calming drought Minerva sent him, because he doesn't even notice when the service ends and someone is tugging on his arm.
"It's time to go home," Kingsley says.
Remus nods - at least he thinks he's nodding - and looks around for Teddy. He distinctly remembers bringing him, but perhaps this is just another dream.
"Molly has the baby," Kingsley whispers and starts to lead Remus away from the grave. "It'll be alright."
:-:
Remus tries to smile whenever Harry comes knocking, which is often. He understands why he does it. He understands how he must have behaved in those first few weeks without Sirius there. He doesn't remember most of it now. The calming droughts brought him some relief and, since he'd gone off them, his mind was a lot clearer.
"How's Teddy?" Harry asks as Remus hands him a butterbeer. He always asks about Teddy, and never about how Remus is feeling. It's both annoying and relieving.
"He's doing well." Remus smiles fondly at the cot in the corner, where Teddy is curled around a black dog stuffed toy that is bigger than he is. The toy had been a gift from Sirius and Remus can't bring himself to throw it away, even though it pains him to look at it.
"He took his first steps yesterday," he goes on, hoping Harry won't have noticed the pause. As always, Harry does.
"How are you?"
Remus sips his butterbeer, trying to form a reply. None seem to sum up his feelings well enough.
"I'm as well as can be expected. At least that's what the people in my support group say." He can't meet Harry's eyes. Harry knows him too well, and has lost people too. Remus feels guilty for acting like such a fool when Harry managed to keep his composure through it all, and even made time to watch Teddy when Remus wasn't capable.
"You look better. Healthier."
"I keep hearing his voice in my head, telling me that I'm not eating enough. He said that often. I'm not sure … he used to think that putting on some weight would help the transformations." He smiles. There was a lot about Sirius that had frustrated him that he now missed desperately. Occasionally he finds himself listening to the Quidditch recaps on the Wireless before bed. It used to drive him mad how Sirius would hush him if he tried to talk while the game was on.
"Things are getting better," he says quietly, not wanting to admit it to himself. It's been a year without Sirius, the love of his life. "It's strange. Sometimes the easier it gets, the harder it is for him to enjoy life. "I swore I would never smile again, you know."
Harry nods seriously. "You said that a lot in the beginning."
"The more I do it now, the more I make a proper life for Teddy without his father, I just feel guilty all the time."
"You couldn't have saved him, Remus. We did our best, but he chose to go after Bellatrix."
"I know. It's not guilt over him dying. I think I accepted that a long time ago. It was war and people die and it just happened to be my husband this time." He let out a shaky breath. "I'm guilty for being happy again. It's taken me a long time to even admit that I am happy, but there it is."
Harry smiled and leaned back in his chair. "You know he wouldn't want you to be upset with yourself for that."
"It's not right that Teddy gets to know me but not Sirius."
"He will. Remus, it's because of you and Sirius that I know my parents at all. Believe me, there are still times when I'm disappointed that I don't remember them, but when I think of them now I'm mostly happy. You've told me so much about them that I feel like I really did know them. We'll do that for Teddy."
The thought helps to ease Remus' anxiety. He's not okay with raising Teddy alone, but maybe things will still work out in the end.
:-:
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."
Teddy's eyes light up as the map comes to life, revealing staircases and hidden passageways, and tiny footprints moving in all directions. He holds a tiny hand over the enchanted parchment, scared to touch it.
"You made this?" he asks Remus, awestruck.
Remus nods. It took Harry ages to convince him to show the map to Teddy. He was still uncertain that it would have the best results, but he couldn't deny that Sirius would have had Teddy studying the ways out of the castle as soon as he could talk.
"I did." He points to his name at the top of the map, and then to the third. "And that's your papa."
Teddy grins, one arm tightening around the stuffed dog that he takes with him everywhere. Remus smiles to himself, noticing the way his son's grey eyes find the picture on the mantle of Sirius holding their new baby.
It may not be in the way he wanted, but Teddy knows both of his fathers.