Raisins From Konan
A mock play for your entertainment
1 Cast:
2 Tamahome as a Guard
Ashitare as the Other Guard
The EVIL Emperor as the Emperor
Tasuki and Chichiri as the Emperor's Jesters
Soi as the Empress
Mitsukake as the Palace Doctor
Chiriko as the Emperor's Advisor
Suboshi and Amiboshi as the Musical Entertainment
Miaka as the Girl Who Brings Rice From Japan
Yui as the Girl Who Brings Candies From Tokyo
3 Miboshi and Tomo as the Men Who Bring Grapes From Sairou
Hotohori as the Man Who Brings Seafood from Hokkan
Nuriko and Nakago as the Men Who Both Happen To Bring Raisins From Konan
Chuei as a Little Servant Boy
Boushin and Kourin as the Cute Little Kids Who Get In The Way
Yuiren as the Queen's Personal Maid
Houki as the "Assassin"
Tama-neko as Konan The Rabbit
Kouji as the Guy Who Just Shows Up For No Reason
Tokaki (young) as the Cook
Amiboshi/Suboshi/Tasuki/Chichiri as the Ghostbusters
Rokou as the Main Singer of the Ghostbusters theme
Nuriko/Nakago/Suzaku/Seiryuu as Background Dancers/Singers
And Now To Our Feature Presentation…
Emperor(:(Sitting around in his uncomfortable chair.) Jesters! (snaps once)
Chichiri and Tasuki: Hai! (They stand at attention)
Emperor(: I am bored. Entertain me.
Tasuki: How, Your Majesty? (He sticks out his tongue and pretends to gag)
Chichiri: (He coughs into his fist, watching the two guards take their posts at the large, hand carved double doors.)
Tamahome: Hey, pig-face! What happened to you? Couldn't see the door this morning?(
Ashitare: (Grumbles and glares at the floor) (
Tamahome: (Smirks and firmly plants the end of his spear into the tile floor) This is the beginning of the perfect day…
Chichiri: (he is busily making Tasuki disappear and reappear with his hat or his cloak) Da!!!! (Plasters a smile to his face. This is easily done since he is being cruel to his fellow Suzaku shichi seishi. The emperor is laughing loudly.)(
Emperor(: Enough, enough. My dinner will be here soon. (He motions for an angry Tasuki and a smiling Chichiri to one side of the vast room.)
(Soi enters, gown flowing with each step. She sits in her seat beside the Emperor and drums her fingers on its arm.)
Soi: Yuiren!
Yuiren: (The little girl quickly appears at the queen's side, the skirt of her light green dress swooshing slightly.) Yes, my Lady?
Soi: Would you tell the cook to hurry?
Yuiren: Ah, that isn't necessary, Lady Soi. He's coming now.
Tokaki: (Bursts into the throne room and smiles at Soi. Soi glares at him and crinkles her nose.) Zutto…zutto…zutto…it's always a rush! Here is your dinner. (He bows formally, nearly losing the food- since it nearly tumbled off the platter.)
Emperor: (Rises and sniffs daintily.) Yuck! Icky! What did you bring us? My wife and I need something besides this!
Tokaki: (Rolls his eyes and sighs.) You've never complained about what I cooked before. Geez, it's almost like you have something against me…(gasps as a woman dressed in black-with a black-veiled face- lowers herself down from the ceiling using a rope. She has a knife poised and ready…ready to throw it at the empress!)
Emperor: (Still complaining about the food.) I want something new! Send me Chuei! Send me Chuei!
Tokaki & Assassin: (Tokaki has been forgotten as Tamahome leaves to find the servant boy, Chuei. He sneaks behind Soi and bonks the assassin on the head with a stick. The assassin shakes her fist and rubs the spot where Tokaki hit her. Slowly she pulls herself back up and disappears, but not before leaving our gallant Tokaki pinned to the back of the queen's chair- knife quivering where it had sliced through the sleeve. Tokaki wasn't hurt…be he faints from shock.) I was nearly killed by a beautiful woman! (He mumbles.)
(Chuei and Tamahome return)
Chuei: (The Emperor has been telling Chuei to send proclamation throughout Kutou.) Yes, you're Highness. I will prepare it as soon as possible. We will find someone who will bring you food you like. (Bows and scurries away)
Tamahome: Hey, Blood Sucker! How do you stand looking at yourself everyday?
Ashitare: (Diplomatically) I am not a bloodsucker. For your information, I am a civilized creature…
Tamahome: Ah! I see! That's why you eat people; they all look better than YOU!!! Bwahahahahahaha!
Ashitare: (beans Tamahome on the head with the shaft of his spear) Take that! I'll eat you next!
Tamahome: Civilized my foot.
Emperor: Now that that problem is solved…Man! I can't wait for some food!
Soi: You should've eaten what the cook brought you, at least. Then you could've told him you didn't want to eat any more of his food.
Emperor: Don't tell me how to run my own life! You do enough of that when I am trying to rule Kutou. (Pouts.)
(The rest of the day passes uneventfully.)
Amiboshi and Suboshi: (Sneaking around the palace at night.)
Suboshi: Big brother, what are we doing here?
Amiboshi: (Shrugs) Beats me.
Suboshi: Huh, the nerve of some people…Uh...(looks at a piece of paper) Oh…
Amiboshi: We're supposed to be musicians, no da. How can you make music with your Ryuuseisui?
Suboshi: (Grins happily) I have talent…see? (Flings out the Ryuuseisui and pulls it back. He does this a couple more times- at different lengths. The sound the Ryuuseisui makes is quite musical, actually.)
Amiboshi: Shhhh! There's someone over there.
Suboshi: Gasp! It's an assassin. Who do you think she's after? Whoa! (Amiboshi pushes Suboshi up against the wall.)
Amiboshi: (Whispers hoarsely) She's coming this way!
Suboshi: (Nods, and he pretends to be a statue, the Ryuuseisui is frozen above his open palm.)
Amiboshi: (Places his flute to his mouth and holds his breath.)
Assassin: (Stalks past the statue like twins. She watches the twins- confused.)
Suboshi: (He keeps a straight face till the Ryuuseisui bounces to his feet, and he smiles sheepishly when the Assassin glares lightning bolts at him. Suboshi gulps with fear filling him)
Amiboshi: (Hits the Assassin over her head with his flute.) Run!!!
Suboshi: You don't have to tell me twice! Ahhhhhh!
Assassin: (Growling audibly, she pulls out her numb-chucks and gives chase to the twins.)
(They spend the rest of the night evading the Assassin, who mysteriously disappears at dawn.)
(In the morning….)
Emperor: (Sleepily stumbles into the throne room) I am sooo hungry! I need food. I need food! Ahhhhh!
Soi: I should think you could stand a little shaping up. What do you have to say now?
Emperor: I'm still hungry!
Soi: (Looks skeptically at the Emperor) So much for that.
Chuei: Sir, (He opens the door timidly) we have someone here with something she thinks you'll enjoy…
Emperor: Escort her in Chuei!
Miaka: (Peeps around the door.) Um…hello? (Steps into the room with a covered plate in her hands)
Emperor: Ah. I see you brought me a new food to try. What is it? (Motions for Miaka to come closer)
Miaka: (bows awkwardly) I'm Yuuki Miaka. I have brought you rice from Japan. I think you'll enjoy it. I do.
Tasuki: (whispers so that everyone can hear) She likes everything.
Miaka: (sticks out her lower lips and pouts)(
Emperor: Jesters! Bring the food to me!
Tasuki: (His jaw drops) B-but…we aren't servants!
Emperor: Do it!
(Tasuki and Chichiri scuttle over to Miaka. They take the plate from her and take it to the Emperor)
Emperor: (lifts the lid of the plate, and you can see the smell of the rice drifting upwards) Looks good…(uses his chopsticks to shovel the rice into his mouth. After a moment he starts sputtering and coughing.) How putrid! I cannot believe I placed that vile food in my mouth! Tokaki! Tokaki! Bring we some water so that I can rinse this sickening taste from my mouth!
Tokaki: (pushes a side door open with his hip and sighs dramatically) Woe! Woe!
Chichiri: Nani? You are a strange man Tokaki-san, na no da?
Emperor: Aghhhh! (The plate crashes to the ground as one of Miboshi's demons writhes out of the rice) Ahhh! Ghost!
Tasuki: Did you say 'ghost'?
Emperor: Of coarse I said 'ghost'! (Screams like a girl) Save me!
Tasuki: (raises his left eyebrow twice and smirks. Then he snaps once.)
Tasuki and Chichiri: Theme song! (They sneak away and you can't see them anywhere.)
Background: Ghostbusters!
Rokou: (As the Ghostbusters theme begins he jumps down from the ceiling. His background singers/dancers are shadowy figures in a line behind him) There's something strange in your neighborhood. Who ya gonna call?
Background: (You can now tell the background dancers/singers are Nuriko, Nakago, Suzaku, and Seiryuu): Ghostbusters!
(At the moment when the background sings 'Ghostbusters' Tasuki, Chichiri, Amiboshi, and Suboshi appear wearing Ghostbusters costumes. They even have those guns. The Rice Demon, who our Ghostbusters begin to deal with quickly, makes horrible and frightening sounds.)
Rokou: (He's suddenly wearing black pants, black shirt, and a leather jacket) There's something weird and it don't look good. Who ya gonna call?
Background: Ghostbusters!
Ghostbusters: (Are finishing up with the demon. It tries to sit on them) Whhooaaa! (They quickly exterminate the demon, posing like heroes.)
Amiboshi: That was pretty e-ie yai yai! (Points to a human shaped shadow perched on the back of the Emperor's uncomfortable seat.)
Suboshi: (gulps audibly.)
Emperor: Why is everyone staring at me? Wait, there's someone behind me, isn't there?
Everyone: (even those not present at the moment) Hai!
Emperor: (Jumps out of his throne and flies across the room, landing on his cone hat.) Oh, my head!
Amiboshi/Suboshi/Chichiri/Tasuki: That's no ghost! Gomen gomen! We can't help you here! (They run out the door, followed by Tamahome and Ashitare)
Tamahome: Let me out first you putrid beast! If the Ghostbusters can't stop her, I'm saving my skin, not yours!
Ashitare: I feel the same way!
(The two of them are stuck in the door, trying to both be the first one out.)
Assassin: I will get you! (She hurries to catch up with Amiboshi and Suboshi, shoving Ashitare and Tamahome out of her way.)
Soi: Whew! Now that that is over…. Your Highness, what did you think about the rice?
Emperor: It was…it was…I need my advisor!
Chuei: (He rings a gong.)
Chiriko: (A trapdoor opens in the floor in front of the Emperor. Chiriko pops out.) You needed my service, Emperor-san?
Emperor: (Nods.) I need a good word for when something is offensive to the taste.
Chiriko: (Sighs.) I didn't give you a thesaurus for your birthday for no reason, Your Majesty.
Emperor: Please! (Gets up off his rear end and uses Chiriko as means to stand up again.)
Chiriko: Okay, okay, okay. Let me see now…(taps his chin with one finger) What about these? (Clears his throat) Listen to these choices and tell me which one you like best.
Tasuki: (Whispers to Chichiri. Yes I know they just appeared.) That's if he can remember any of them.
Emperor: I heard that! Dishes tonight Tasuki and Chichiri!
Chichiri: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I didn't do anything, no da?
Tasuki: Shaddup. (He slumps over.)
Chiriko: (Names off words for the Emperor) Awful, beastly, disagreeable, foul, gross, malodorous, mephitic, murderous, nauseating, noxious, objectionable, poison, raunchy, repellent, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, rough, sickening, soiled, stinking, unappetizing, unpleasant, vile, yucky…I'll stop there. Which one did you like most?
(Everyone is staring wide-eyed at Chiriko. They all blink at the same time, twice.)
Emperor: Uhhh…I think I will stick with gross. You may leave now Chiriko.
Soi: Should I send for the doctor?
Emperor: (nods as he holds his stomach.) That demon did something to the rice…
Mitsukake: (Bounds into the room) Here I am.
Emperor: I have a stomach pain…
Chiriko: It's called a stomachache Your Highness.
Emperor: I told you to leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (
Mitsukake: This should make you all better Emperor-sama.
(There is the sound of glass breaking as two short people enter the room)
Boushin: Lord father! Where's Lord father?
Kourin: I want Nii-chan!!! Where is he?
Emperor: What are these children doing here? I do not want them here!!! Guards!!
Ashitare: (Rushes forward, ready to remove the two little children) GGGrrrrrrrr!!!!!
Amiboshi: (Plays his flute; causing Ashitare to fall to the floor, howling in pain)
Suboshi: Don't worry Your Majesty! We'll take care of these two.
Emperor: Fine, but do not let them enter my throne room again.
Suboshi: No problem! I don't know why they came here in the first place.
Mitsukake: (Exchanges confused faces and a shrug with Chiriko and they both leave)
Tamahome: Emperor-sama, there is someone else here to see you. Would you like me to escort her in?
Soi: Here we go again. (Hides her face in her hands)
Emperor: Bring her in.
Yui: (She enters. Carefully eyeing Tamahome). Here, Your Greatness. I have brought you candies from Tokyo. They are extremely yummy.
Emperor: I shall try some of these candies from your strange country.
Yui: (blinks) Actually, Your Highness, Tokyo is a city.
Emperor: I do not care! Bring me the candy, Chuei!!!
Chuei: Hai! Hai! It's coming!! (Takes the candy from Yui and nearly trips on his way up the flight of stairs.) Gomen nasai!
Soi: (Rolls her eyes as Emperor takes a handful of candy and shoves it in his mouth) You really need to learn manners.
Kouji: (His voice is muffled) Hello? Who is it? It Kouji, Genrou's buddy! Really? Come in! Domo arigatou.
Tasuki: Kouji!
Kouji: Tasuki! I'm glad to see you again!
Tasuki: Are you kidding? I saw you last night!!
(The two of them are dancing happily.)
Chichiri: Daaaaaa! Why is Kouji-kun here?
Tasuki: Who cares?!
Emperor: (Spits furiously) These are not good enough! Take her away and lock her up with her other friend!
Tamahome: I wondered what had happened to Miaka!
Ashitare: I will escort her to the dungeon cell.
Tamahome: Don't even think about hurting her. Scum!!!
Ashitare: You cut me to the quick! I would never dream…actually, I might dream about it, but I would never really do it. She's the Seiryuu no Miko!!!
Tamahome: (Grunts)
Kourin: I want candy.
Emperor: Gack! What are you doing back here!?
Kourin: (sniffs disdainfully) I'm looking for nii-chan. And I want candy.
Emperor: Here! Take this blasted stuff!
(Kourin takes the candy and slips out the door.)
Tamahome: (Leaning against the door) Perhaps I should go and see if Miaka is all right. ( (Gasps) I don't know what he'll do to her! (Runs down the hall.)
Emperor: (Sniffs sadly) My tummy is growling…. (His lip quivers)
Soi: Grow up! (Beats the Emperor over the head)
Tamahome: (Comes running back in) Aahhhhhh! Save me! Taiitsukun is after meeeee!
Tasuki: I don't see that sand-throwing old woman….
Tamahome: (Is cowering behind Tasuki)
Chichiri: I know who is coming, na no da.
(Miboshi and Tomo enter, unescorted)
Tomo: (Bows low to the ground in front of the emperor's throne)
Miboshi: (Floats)
Tomo: (Rises) Ah! Noble Lord! We heard of your request, and have brought you something we thought would be extremely pleasing to you royal taste buds. (Whips out a shinning gold platter)
Emperor: (Eyes the gold) What is it…?
Miboshi: You see, we have brought you grapes from Sairou. They have the best grapes there, if I do say so myself…
Emperor: (Eyes are starry) Uh, yes! Bring forth the grapes, Chuei!
Chuei: (Trudges over and take the gold platter of grapes) Here, Emperor- sama.
Rokou: (Appears behind Soi's throne and slips her a paper)
Soi: (Nods and starts singing the Chinese Sailor Moon theme)
Emperor: (Raises an eyebrow as he plucks a grape from the platter)
Tomo: (Elbows Miboshi) Those grapes look funny….
Miboshi: (Whispers) Of coarse they do…. I contaminated them.
Tomo: (Cringes) With what?
Miboshi: (Opens his mouth)
Tomo: Never mind, I don't want to know….
Miboshi: (Grins)
Suboshi: Nooo! You have to postpone the lunar trip! Princess Snow Kaguya is trying to take over the world! (Dives into Emperor's lap, knocking the platter away)
Emperor: (Too bad, he already ate a grape) What is on this grape! It is very fowl! Remove them! Remove them! Off with their heads!
Tasuki and Chichiri: Off with their heads! Off with their heads! (Pull Miboshi and Tomo away)
Emperor: That was very draining. I wish someone would bring something good for once…
Soi: (Finishes the Chinese Sailor Moon theme. She starts to sing the Italian version)
Emperor: Would you STOP that?
Soi: (Pouts) Fine… I was only doing as Rokou told me.
Emperor: These past few weeks have been 'Rokou this, Rokou that'! What is with you?!
Soi: (Her eyes tear up) I must tell you! I do not love you anymore! I am going to leave you for Rokou!
Emperor: It cannot be! I have loved you since I first saw you!
Soi: Yes, I know. It pains me to leave you, but this life is not what I want. I want to be with Rokou!
Rokou: (Appears from nowhere) Soi-sama, My Love. Come with me, we shall elope together.
Soi: (Runs down the steps in slow motion and takes Rokou's hand) I am ready and willing, Man of my Heart.
Tasuki: (to Chichiri) And here I was thinkin' Soi loved Nakago!
Chichiri: Da….
Suboshi: (Sheepishly gets up off the floor) I better go find Aniki. Uhh, gomen nasai.
Assassin: (Drops from the ceiling) I have found you!
Suboshi: Ahhh! (Runs away with Assassin hot on his heels)
Tokaki: (enter singing) Subaru. Subaru. How I love you, Subaru. You make me feel like a warm spring's day…. (Strolls over to the Emperor and taps him on the shoulder) Hey, you have someone waiting out there to come in. By the smell of it, he's got food with him! Nicely cooked, I might add.
Emperor: (Smiles) Let him in! Let him in!
(Hotohori enters with a basket)
Emperor: My good man, what have you brought for me to try?
Hotohori: (Refuses to bow) I have brought to you… Seafood from Hokkan! (Rips cloth off of the food)
(The food sparkles)
(Chiriko wanders into the throne room)
Tasuki: (Gags) Chichiri, are those FISH GUTS he has in there?
Chichiri: (Can only nod)
Chiriko: And fish eggs by the look of the junk in that corner.
Tasuki and Chichiri: (Choke)
Chiriko: It's okay. Fish eggs aren't as bad as they sound.
Tasuki: Are ya sure about that? (Still looks pale)
Chichiri: My stomach doesn't like the sight of fish guts and fish eggs in a basket, na no da?
Emperor: (Screams) That sight is horrendous! What are you doing, bringing that to me?
Hotohori: (Shrugs) It tastes pretty good… and I wanted to make you to loose your lunch.
Emperor: (Leaning over the side of his uncomfortable chair)
Chichiri: I think he succeeded.
Tasuki: (Tossing his cookies)
Chiriko: A little too well if you were to ask me.
Emperor: (Gasping) Remove him! He has tried to injure me! Off with his head!
Tasuki: I love this job.
Tasuki and Chichiri: Off with his head! Off with his head! (Drag Hotohori away)
Hotohori: (From down the hall) I demand to know what I have done wrong! I was only jesting with an enemy of old times! Have you no heart?!
Emperor: That was humiliating. Now I have messed all over my clean floor.
Tokaki: (Dashes out the door)
Emperor: Now what was that about?
Chiriko: I have no idea, Emperor. (Follows Tokaki)
(Night falls)
Suboshi: (Running wildly through the halls, Amiboshi beside him) We have to find a good place to hide!
Amiboshi: And where would that be?
Suboshi: I don't know! You're the older one, you tell me!
Assassin: I shall slit your throats!
Suboshi: Eep! Go faster!
Amiboshi: I'm going as fast as I can!
Suboshi: Doesn't look like it to me! (Summons his Ryuuseisui)
Amiboshi: Suboshi! (Is out of sight with the Ryuuseisui behind him)
Suboshi: See?! You COULD go faster!
Amiboshi: (From somewhere up ahead) You are soooo dead!
(The rest of the night is fairly uneventful, as the twins manage to escape death)
Emperor: (Yawns as he walks into the throne room) Ohhhh, my poor tummy! It's so empty, and my empress left me for a singer-boy. I feel so depressed…
Tasuki: Don't be depressed! We have a surprise for you! (To himself) What is happening to me?! I'm sounding more and more like Chichiri!
Chichiri: Daaaaaa…. (Smiles)
Emperor: What is it that should cheer me?
Tasuki: (Is wearing a white tux, and there are three numbered doors behind him) Which door do you choose first?
Emperor: Uhhhh….
Chichiri: Choose door two! Door two, Emperor!
Mitsukake: No! Pick the first door! Pick number one!
Chichiri: Door three! Door three, Your Majesty! The third one, na no da? (Holds up four fingers)
Emperor: I… I pick the third door!
Tasuki: The third door it is! And what do we have hidden for our emperor behind the door?
(The door lifts up to reveal Boushin and Kourin)
Boushin: Is this where Lord Father is? (Is holding a familiar teddy bear)
Kourin: Is my big brother here?
Emperor: And they are supposed to make me happy?
Tasuki: (Gulps) They weren't supposed to be there! Honest! (Picks up Kourin) Get the other little kid Chichiri.
Chichiri: H-hai! (Grabs Boushin)
(From down the hall) Hotohori: If you harm one hair on my son's head, you'll be feeling ten times that pain for years!
Chichiri: I won't! I won't! I'll bring him right to you!
Tomo: (From down the hall) And while you're at it… Can you let me go?
Emperor: He shall not be set free!
Tomo: Rats….
Miboshi: What about me?
Emperor: You tried to kill me! No!
Emperor: (Still looking between the first and second door.) Hmmmm…. Can I choose a different door?
(Silence. Chichiri and Tasuki return.)
Tasuki: Go ahead and pick a different door.
Emperor: (Clasp hand together) Yay!
Mitsukake: (Gives the Emperor a quizzical look)
Emperor: I'll choose….
Mitsukake: The second doooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Emperor: The second one! (blinks) I just listened to the doctor…
Tasuki: You have chosen door two! What is hiding behind this door? Open the flap and then you will see…. I mean, let's find out!
(The door goes up, and there is a pile of jewels glittering in a treasure box. Chichiri is sitting on a stool beside the pile making gestures indicating the prize the emperor had picked.)
Emperor: Yippy-skippy!
Tasuki: Emperor-sama! You have chosen the door with many valuable jewels. Will you take them?
Emperor: (Nods and drools) Yes! Yes! I will!
Kouji: (enters) Sugoi! (His eyes go starry at the site of the jewels)
Emperor: No! They are mine! (Jumps out of his chair and dives into the pile of gems)
Kouji: (sticks out his tongue) Fine. Be that way.
Tasuki: (Pushes Kouji out of the room) You aren't makin' my job any easier here buddy.
Kouji: Ops! Gomen! I'll come back later.
Tasuki: Good idea.
Chichiri: (Backs away from a chibi Emperor who is still in the middle of his prize)
(There is a loud banging at the door)
Tamahome: (enters) Emperor-sama… (Sees that the Emperor has more wealth) Maybe now isn't a good time….
Emperor: No, no! Tell me what it is.
Tamahome: There is some else who has complied with your request to bring you a new food…
Emperor: I have been waiting for this!
Tamahome: (sweat drops) There is a problem though.
Emperor: Nani?
Tamahome: (sighs) The thing is…there are two people who claim to have brought you the exact same food….
Emperor: Let them both in. (Sits in his throne)
Tamahome: (Bows and exits)
(A few minuets pass)
Emperor: (Tapping fingers against one another)
Tasuki: (Throwing spit wads at Chichiri)
Chichiri: (Throwing the spit wads back)
Tasuki: (Gets a dart gun and stuffs it with spit wads)
Chichiri: (Makes a frightened face and dives behind the throne)
Tasuki: Bwua-hahahaha! (Gives chase)
Emperor: Where did that stupid guard get to?!
Tamahome: (enters hunched over, breathing heavily)
Emperor: What took you so long?
Tamahome: (raises head to look at the emperor, tries to speak, but he cannot)
Nakago: (enters) He got in my way.
Nuriko: You're a jerk.
Nakago: (Places a hand over his whip)
Nuriko: Biiiiiida! (Sticks out his tongue and pulls at the skin under his eye)
Nakago: (is about to smack Nuriko with his whip)
Nuriko: (ready to punch Nakago)
Emperor: Stop! (Stands)
Nuriko: He started it.
Nakago: As I see it, you are the one who is acting in an uncivilized manner. You tried to cheat me out of what I came to do!
Nuriko: You lie! (Cries) You were always jealous because Mother loved me best!
Nakago: W-what? What are you talking about? We aren't even related.
Nuriko: So that is how deep your hate for me is! (Puts the back of his hand on his forehead) You so let your feelings overrun you that you have disowned me as your super-kowaii little brother! (Cries)
Nakago: (sidesteps away from Nuriko)
Nuriko: (Is suddenly blowing his nose into Nakago's cape)
Nakago: Get away!
Nuriko: Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
Emperor: WHAT HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME!!!????
(Nuriko and Nakago go down on one knee simultaneously and bow their heads)
Nakago: (holding a silver platter) I…
Nuriko: (holding a crystal bowl) …Have brought—
Nakago: (Glare at Nuriko) …You—
Nuriko: (Glares back) ….Raisins…
Nakago: (snarls at Nuriko) ….From…
Nuriko and Nakago: Konan!
Emperor: Raisins? They sound good, although they are from the enemy country.
Nuriko: At least give the food a try! (Give the Emperor a puppy-dog face)
Emperor: Okay, okay! Tasuki! Bring me the raisins from the blond surfer- dude! Chichiri! Bring me the raisins from the purple-haired gay guy!
Nakago: (stares) Surfer-dude?
Nuriko: At least you could call me a 'new half'! (Crosses his arms over his chest and pouts)
Emperor: (Eats one raisin from the platter and one from the bowl)
Nuriko: Well?
Nakago: What do you think?
Tasuki: Could he…
Chichiri: …Really like it?
Emperor: Wonderful! These raisins are the best things I have eaten for so long! (Leaps from his uncomfortable throne and gives Nuriko and Nakago a big hung) You two are wonderful brothers from bringing me these raisins!
Nakago: We aren't brothers.
Nuriko: Aww, come one now. Don't be bashful. He liked them!
Nakago: (Rolls his eyes)
Emperor: I command you to continue bringing me these raisins from Konan or else I will have your heads!
Nuriko and Nakago: Y-yes, Your Majesty!
(Night falls)
Amiboshi: (breathing deeply) Man! Why doesn't that assassin go after someone else?
Suboshi: (Also breathing hard) I…don't…know…. What did we do in the first place to deserve this?
Assassin: You saw me as I was sneaking about the palace!
Amiboshi: Kyaaaaa!
Suboshi: That was a girlie scream… Yipe!
Amiboshi: Please don't hurt me! I'm too cute to die!
Suboshi: And I'm too sweet and innocent to die!
Assassin: (sweat drops) Come on, grow up.
Suboshi: (Sniffling) You aren't gonna kill us?
Assassin: Naw… I really didn't want to kill you two, but it was fun to chase you around.
Amiboshi: Oh, that's good. (Sighs)
Assassin: Never trust your enemy! (Dives at Suboshi)
Suboshi: What is this? (Pushes the Assassin away)
Amiboshi: But…but…but….
Suboshi: I think this means 'RUN'!
Amiboshi: But I'm so tired!
Assassin: (Laughing) I shall not kill you yet. I must remember my first instructions to rid Kutou of the Emperor.
Amiboshi: Ano…?
Assassin: (Irritated) What is it?
Amiboshi: Does this mean we can go without you chasing us?
Assassin: (Thinks) I'll give you the count of 'five' to get out of my sights. One…
Suboshi: (Helps Amiboshi up off of the floor)
Assassin: Two…
Amiboshi: (Sighs) Tired…
Assassin: Three…
Suboshi: (Whispers urgently) Hurry up!
Amiboshi: I can't… I'm tired….
Assassin: FOUR…!
Suboshi: (Throws Amiboshi over his shoulder and runs away, leaving a dust trail)
Assassin: Five… (Shrugs) Oh well… (Melts into the shadows)
(Night passes)
Emperor: (Creating a pace track in the floor as he walks back and forth in the throne room) They had better come or else… (Makes a slicing motion across his neck)
Ashitare: (To Tamahome) You know, maybe we should quit. No one is going to seriously try to bump him off. Well, they might, but no one cares.
Tamahome: I don't know. I like having a paying job. I like having money.
Ashitare: I was just thinking out loud.
Tamahome: Naturally. I was surprised you thought at all.
Ashitare: Why you…!
(Nuriko and Nakago enter)
Nuriko: I told you, they are my raisins. Didn't we cover this already?
Nakago: We obviously have not done so well enough for you. You still insist that you were the one to think of them in the first place.
Nuriko: I was! (Stomps angrily and leaves a dent in the tile floor)
Nakago: Really.
Nuriko: Whoops. Wasn't me. He did it. (Points to Nakago)
Nakago: I did not!
Nuriko: Did too!
Nakago: I refuse to fight with you.
Nuriko: Oh good. That means I win.
Nakago: I'm sorry, but it does not.
Emperor: Silence! Have you brought me my raisins?
Nakago: Of coarse, Emperor-sama.
Nuriko: Why wouldn't I?
Emperor: Good. (Rings a bell and Chuei appears) Food please.
Chuei: Hai, hai. (Takes the raisins from Nakago and Nuriko)
Emperor: (Chews thoughtfully on a raisin) Hey… weren't you two background dancers for the Ghostbusters?
Nuriko: Uuhhhhh, where did you ever get that idea?
Emperor: You look like one of them, and so does he. (Indicated Nakago with his head)
Nakago: You must have mistaken us for different people.
Emperor: Yes. You are probably right.
Nuriko: (Nods furiously)
Emperor: You may go. Be sure to come back tomarrow.
Nuriko: Right….
Nakago: How could I forget? My head is at stake here.
Nuriko: So is mine?
Nakago: Mine is more important.
Nuriko: Is not.
Nakago: And I am the one who was coming here with raisins first.
Nuriko: Oh? You had me fooled.
Nakago: Ggrrrrr!
Tamahome: Come on! If you're going to fight, please take it outside ladies!
Nuriko and Nakago: Ladies? (Both give Tamahome an evil look)
Tamahome: Uh-oh… (Runs)
(Nuriko and Nakago make a quick exit)
(The morning becomes a very hot afternoon)
Assassin: (Using suction cups to stick to the ceiling) He should be coming any minuet…
Emperor: (Turns a corner and stops directly under the assassin)
Assassin: (Whispers) Yes… (Drops on top of the Kutou Emperor)
Emperor: Aahhh! Attack! Attack on the Emperor!
Assassin: (Slams the Emperor into the wall) Close your mouth!
Emperor: (Complies)
Assassin: You have something that I want…
Emperor: If it is riches you want, name your price! (Looks very worried)
Assassin: It's isn't anything like that… My husband is here, and I want revenge on the person who got him to come. It made his son cry! And now my son is missing as well!
Emperor: I…I do not understand. Who are you? Who is this husband and son you speak of?
Assassin: You dare act this way?! So have you sealed your fate! (Leaps away)
Emperor: (A stupid look on his face) What?
(Night comes and goes)
Nuriko: (Enters the throne room all alone)
Emperor: Only you have come today? Where is your brother?
Nuriko: He, uh, got a little tied up in some other business.
Emperor: I see…
Tasuki: ...Said the blind man.
Chichiri: What blind man?
Tasuki: That one. (Points to a corner where a man with a white cane is sitting)
Chichiri: Oh.
Blind Man: Heh, heh… I see.
Tasuki: I told ya he said it.
(There is a crash outside the door)
(A Nakago tied up in ropes inches into the room. He has a gag in his mouth)
Nakago: (Mumbles)
Nuriko: (Asks innocently) What did you say dear brother?
Nakago: (Manages to get the gag off) I am NOT your brother! And what I said was, 'Nice try you gay weasel'!
Nuriko: (Places a hand over his heart) You cut me to the quick! Did you think I was going to take all the credit for the raisins? (Bats his eyes at Nakago)
Nakago: yes, I did.
Nuriko: Dang, he caught me.
Emperor: My raisins…?
Nuriko: Ah yes. Here you are. (Takes a bowl of raisins to the Emperor) From my dear, sweet, very pushy older brother and me.
Nakago: Oi…
Nuriko: And not to mention that my brother is a very over confident man who uses people's weaknesses and tries to perform some sort of brainwashing on them…
Nakago: Oi…
Nuriko: …And he tried to do scary things with my Miko—
Nakago: Knock it off already!
Nuriko: Who? Me? I wasn't saying anything that had to do with you. Nope, nope, nope!
Tasuki: (To Chichiri) Strange brothers…
Chichiri: I have to agree, na no da…
Nuriko: (An evil grin spreads across his face) I love you! (Jumps onto Nakago and snuggles close)
Emperor: (Gags) I thought you were brothers…
Nuriko: (Eye get really big and watery) You won't ever leave me, will you? I got so lonely last night when you had to stay out late because of some unfinished business.
Emperor: (Stares)
Tasuki: (Jaw is hanging to the ground)
Chichiri: (Sweat drops) That's sick, no da?
Nakago: Don't listen to him! We do NOT live together!
Nuriko: Don't get so embarrassed, Baby.
Nakago: B-baby? What did you hit your head on?!
Tasuki: (Hides behind Chichiri)
Chichiri: (Hides behind Tasuki)
Tasuki: (Hides behind Chichiri)
Kouji: (Enters) Hey, Gen—
(Kouji's upper lips twitches)
Kouji: Never mind… (Starts to leave but Tasuki pulls him back in.)
Tasuki: You've gotta hide me!
Kouji: Are you crazy? There are guys making out on the floor!
Tasuki: What? (Looks back to Nakago and Nuriko)
Nuriko: (Kissing Nakago)
Tasuki: EEECCCHHHIII!!!!!! (Claps his hands over his eyes)
Chichiri: I'm getting out of here, na no da! (Disappears into his cloak)
Tasuki: Wait for me! (Dives into the cloak and disappears)
Kouji: Don't forget me!
Emperor: (Hiding behind his throne) Please cease the immoral behavior while you are in my throne room!
Nuriko: (Stand) Notice how he said 'while you're in my throne room'? He doesn't want to be too much of a hypocrite. He does have all those women…
Nakago: (Stands but is still tied up) I am going to whip you severely later.
Nuriko: We better leave… (Teasingly blows a kiss at Nakago)
Emperor: (Eats more raisins)
(Evening Comes)
Amiboshi: (Playing his flute)
Suboshi: (Making music with his Ryuuseisui)
Emperor: This is very soothing music. It is so relaxing after such a weird day…
Chuei: I think the purple-haired one was joking, Your Majesty.
Emperor: You think so?
Chuei: Yes.
Emperor: That makes me feel better.
Assassin: (Drops from the ceiling) I have come to take your life.
Amiboshi and Suboshi: (Freeze)
Assassin: (Stalks over to the Emperor) I will only give you one more chance. My husband?
Emperor: I honestly do not know of whom you speak! I will answer you truthfully if you tell me what you mean.
Assassin: (Taps the black veil where her lips would be) If you insist. My husband is the emperor of Konan…
Emperor: You mean Saihitei?
Assassin: Yes. He is also a Suzaku shichi seishi.
Emperor: (Gulps) He is in the prison…
Assassin: WHAT??!!!! (Snarls)
Emperor: I will free him immediately!
Assassin: Good.
Suboshi: Ano… Assassin-sama?
Assassin: (Turns her head) What do you want?
Suboshi: Does that make you H-houki-sama?
Assassin: (Raises an eyebrow) It does.
Amiboshi: I don't believe it. (Eyes get wide in awe) I will personally take you to Hotohori.
Assassin (Houki): Thank you.
(Suboshi, Amiboshi, Houki, and the Emperor go to the dungeon)
Emperor: (Sets Hotohori free)
Hotohori: Why did you set me free? (His gaze settles on the Assassin) H- houki?
Houki (Assassin): Hotohori! (Jumps into Hotohori's arms)
Hotohori: Houki!
(They kiss passionately)
Miboshi: How sweet.
Tomo: How touching.
Miboshi: Hey, are you going to let us out, too?
Emperor: Not on your life, Floaty.
Miboshi: (Floats and glares)
Tomo: Kakakakakakaka…. (Laughs in the usual Tomo way)
Miboshi: (Floats)
Emperor: (To Hotohori and Houki) I will allow you to sleep in one of the spare chambers.
Hotohori: Thanks you.
(They leave)
Amiboshi: (To Suboshi) Come on. I'm tired. We had better get to bed.
Suboshi: (Yawns and nods sleepily)
(They exit)
Emperor: Good night you two. (Cackles as he leaves)
Tomo: Crapid. We're still stuck in here.
Miboshi: (Floats)
Tomo: Would you STOP with the floating already?!
Miboshi: (Floats)
Tomo: Aaarrgg! (Smashes Miboshi over the head with his fist)
(Night turns to morning)
Emperor: (Waiting in the throne room)
(Doors open slowly)
Mitsukake and Chiriko: (Are wearing all black. They are chanting a song for the dead)
Emperor: What is going on here?
(Chuei enters with Kourin and Boushin)
Chuei: Hush, hush. It will be okay.
Kourin and Boushin: (Cry harder)
(Tamahome and Ashitare enter)
Tamahome: Poor guy… (Starts to cry)
Ashitare: (Nods)
(They bow their heads and clasp their hands in front of themselves)
(Chichiri, Tasuki, Tokaki, and Kouji enter wearing dresses. Sadly they throw rose petal onto the floor. Tasuki and Kouji stand next to Ashitare, and Tokaki and Chichiri stand next to Tamahome.)
Mitsukake: (Sadly) Bring it in….
Tomo and Miboshi: (Enter bearing a small casket)
Tomo: Who would have thought? He was still so young…
Miboshi: (Floats) And so innocent.
Tomo and Miboshi: Wwaaaahhhh!
(Hotohori leads Houki into the room. Houki is crying into Hotohori's shoulder)
Nuriko: He was like a little brother to me! I didn't want this for him!
Nakago: You're getting over emotional.
Nuriko: But…but…
Nakago: (Nods) It is awful to lose some who you are close to.
Nuriko and Nakago: (Cry into handkerchiefs) Why us?
Emperor: (Watches the funeral procession) Have you brought me my raisins?
Nakago: We could not do so.
Emperor: And why not? (Places his hands on his hips)
Nuriko: Konan died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Begins to cry uncontrollably into his handkerchief)
Emperor: How could Konan die? Konan is a country for crying out loud!
Nuriko: Nuh-uh…
Nakago: Konan was…
Nuriko: Our pet rabbit.
A mock play for your entertainment
1 Cast:
2 Tamahome as a Guard
Ashitare as the Other Guard
The EVIL Emperor as the Emperor
Tasuki and Chichiri as the Emperor's Jesters
Soi as the Empress
Mitsukake as the Palace Doctor
Chiriko as the Emperor's Advisor
Suboshi and Amiboshi as the Musical Entertainment
Miaka as the Girl Who Brings Rice From Japan
Yui as the Girl Who Brings Candies From Tokyo
3 Miboshi and Tomo as the Men Who Bring Grapes From Sairou
Hotohori as the Man Who Brings Seafood from Hokkan
Nuriko and Nakago as the Men Who Both Happen To Bring Raisins From Konan
Chuei as a Little Servant Boy
Boushin and Kourin as the Cute Little Kids Who Get In The Way
Yuiren as the Queen's Personal Maid
Houki as the "Assassin"
Tama-neko as Konan The Rabbit
Kouji as the Guy Who Just Shows Up For No Reason
Tokaki (young) as the Cook
Amiboshi/Suboshi/Tasuki/Chichiri as the Ghostbusters
Rokou as the Main Singer of the Ghostbusters theme
Nuriko/Nakago/Suzaku/Seiryuu as Background Dancers/Singers
And Now To Our Feature Presentation…
Emperor(:(Sitting around in his uncomfortable chair.) Jesters! (snaps once)
Chichiri and Tasuki: Hai! (They stand at attention)
Emperor(: I am bored. Entertain me.
Tasuki: How, Your Majesty? (He sticks out his tongue and pretends to gag)
Chichiri: (He coughs into his fist, watching the two guards take their posts at the large, hand carved double doors.)
Tamahome: Hey, pig-face! What happened to you? Couldn't see the door this morning?(
Ashitare: (Grumbles and glares at the floor) (
Tamahome: (Smirks and firmly plants the end of his spear into the tile floor) This is the beginning of the perfect day…
Chichiri: (he is busily making Tasuki disappear and reappear with his hat or his cloak) Da!!!! (Plasters a smile to his face. This is easily done since he is being cruel to his fellow Suzaku shichi seishi. The emperor is laughing loudly.)(
Emperor(: Enough, enough. My dinner will be here soon. (He motions for an angry Tasuki and a smiling Chichiri to one side of the vast room.)
(Soi enters, gown flowing with each step. She sits in her seat beside the Emperor and drums her fingers on its arm.)
Soi: Yuiren!
Yuiren: (The little girl quickly appears at the queen's side, the skirt of her light green dress swooshing slightly.) Yes, my Lady?
Soi: Would you tell the cook to hurry?
Yuiren: Ah, that isn't necessary, Lady Soi. He's coming now.
Tokaki: (Bursts into the throne room and smiles at Soi. Soi glares at him and crinkles her nose.) Zutto…zutto…zutto…it's always a rush! Here is your dinner. (He bows formally, nearly losing the food- since it nearly tumbled off the platter.)
Emperor: (Rises and sniffs daintily.) Yuck! Icky! What did you bring us? My wife and I need something besides this!
Tokaki: (Rolls his eyes and sighs.) You've never complained about what I cooked before. Geez, it's almost like you have something against me…(gasps as a woman dressed in black-with a black-veiled face- lowers herself down from the ceiling using a rope. She has a knife poised and ready…ready to throw it at the empress!)
Emperor: (Still complaining about the food.) I want something new! Send me Chuei! Send me Chuei!
Tokaki & Assassin: (Tokaki has been forgotten as Tamahome leaves to find the servant boy, Chuei. He sneaks behind Soi and bonks the assassin on the head with a stick. The assassin shakes her fist and rubs the spot where Tokaki hit her. Slowly she pulls herself back up and disappears, but not before leaving our gallant Tokaki pinned to the back of the queen's chair- knife quivering where it had sliced through the sleeve. Tokaki wasn't hurt…be he faints from shock.) I was nearly killed by a beautiful woman! (He mumbles.)
(Chuei and Tamahome return)
Chuei: (The Emperor has been telling Chuei to send proclamation throughout Kutou.) Yes, you're Highness. I will prepare it as soon as possible. We will find someone who will bring you food you like. (Bows and scurries away)
Tamahome: Hey, Blood Sucker! How do you stand looking at yourself everyday?
Ashitare: (Diplomatically) I am not a bloodsucker. For your information, I am a civilized creature…
Tamahome: Ah! I see! That's why you eat people; they all look better than YOU!!! Bwahahahahahaha!
Ashitare: (beans Tamahome on the head with the shaft of his spear) Take that! I'll eat you next!
Tamahome: Civilized my foot.
Emperor: Now that that problem is solved…Man! I can't wait for some food!
Soi: You should've eaten what the cook brought you, at least. Then you could've told him you didn't want to eat any more of his food.
Emperor: Don't tell me how to run my own life! You do enough of that when I am trying to rule Kutou. (Pouts.)
(The rest of the day passes uneventfully.)
Amiboshi and Suboshi: (Sneaking around the palace at night.)
Suboshi: Big brother, what are we doing here?
Amiboshi: (Shrugs) Beats me.
Suboshi: Huh, the nerve of some people…Uh...(looks at a piece of paper) Oh…
Amiboshi: We're supposed to be musicians, no da. How can you make music with your Ryuuseisui?
Suboshi: (Grins happily) I have talent…see? (Flings out the Ryuuseisui and pulls it back. He does this a couple more times- at different lengths. The sound the Ryuuseisui makes is quite musical, actually.)
Amiboshi: Shhhh! There's someone over there.
Suboshi: Gasp! It's an assassin. Who do you think she's after? Whoa! (Amiboshi pushes Suboshi up against the wall.)
Amiboshi: (Whispers hoarsely) She's coming this way!
Suboshi: (Nods, and he pretends to be a statue, the Ryuuseisui is frozen above his open palm.)
Amiboshi: (Places his flute to his mouth and holds his breath.)
Assassin: (Stalks past the statue like twins. She watches the twins- confused.)
Suboshi: (He keeps a straight face till the Ryuuseisui bounces to his feet, and he smiles sheepishly when the Assassin glares lightning bolts at him. Suboshi gulps with fear filling him)
Amiboshi: (Hits the Assassin over her head with his flute.) Run!!!
Suboshi: You don't have to tell me twice! Ahhhhhh!
Assassin: (Growling audibly, she pulls out her numb-chucks and gives chase to the twins.)
(They spend the rest of the night evading the Assassin, who mysteriously disappears at dawn.)
(In the morning….)
Emperor: (Sleepily stumbles into the throne room) I am sooo hungry! I need food. I need food! Ahhhhh!
Soi: I should think you could stand a little shaping up. What do you have to say now?
Emperor: I'm still hungry!
Soi: (Looks skeptically at the Emperor) So much for that.
Chuei: Sir, (He opens the door timidly) we have someone here with something she thinks you'll enjoy…
Emperor: Escort her in Chuei!
Miaka: (Peeps around the door.) Um…hello? (Steps into the room with a covered plate in her hands)
Emperor: Ah. I see you brought me a new food to try. What is it? (Motions for Miaka to come closer)
Miaka: (bows awkwardly) I'm Yuuki Miaka. I have brought you rice from Japan. I think you'll enjoy it. I do.
Tasuki: (whispers so that everyone can hear) She likes everything.
Miaka: (sticks out her lower lips and pouts)(
Emperor: Jesters! Bring the food to me!
Tasuki: (His jaw drops) B-but…we aren't servants!
Emperor: Do it!
(Tasuki and Chichiri scuttle over to Miaka. They take the plate from her and take it to the Emperor)
Emperor: (lifts the lid of the plate, and you can see the smell of the rice drifting upwards) Looks good…(uses his chopsticks to shovel the rice into his mouth. After a moment he starts sputtering and coughing.) How putrid! I cannot believe I placed that vile food in my mouth! Tokaki! Tokaki! Bring we some water so that I can rinse this sickening taste from my mouth!
Tokaki: (pushes a side door open with his hip and sighs dramatically) Woe! Woe!
Chichiri: Nani? You are a strange man Tokaki-san, na no da?
Emperor: Aghhhh! (The plate crashes to the ground as one of Miboshi's demons writhes out of the rice) Ahhh! Ghost!
Tasuki: Did you say 'ghost'?
Emperor: Of coarse I said 'ghost'! (Screams like a girl) Save me!
Tasuki: (raises his left eyebrow twice and smirks. Then he snaps once.)
Tasuki and Chichiri: Theme song! (They sneak away and you can't see them anywhere.)
Background: Ghostbusters!
Rokou: (As the Ghostbusters theme begins he jumps down from the ceiling. His background singers/dancers are shadowy figures in a line behind him) There's something strange in your neighborhood. Who ya gonna call?
Background: (You can now tell the background dancers/singers are Nuriko, Nakago, Suzaku, and Seiryuu): Ghostbusters!
(At the moment when the background sings 'Ghostbusters' Tasuki, Chichiri, Amiboshi, and Suboshi appear wearing Ghostbusters costumes. They even have those guns. The Rice Demon, who our Ghostbusters begin to deal with quickly, makes horrible and frightening sounds.)
Rokou: (He's suddenly wearing black pants, black shirt, and a leather jacket) There's something weird and it don't look good. Who ya gonna call?
Background: Ghostbusters!
Ghostbusters: (Are finishing up with the demon. It tries to sit on them) Whhooaaa! (They quickly exterminate the demon, posing like heroes.)
Amiboshi: That was pretty e-ie yai yai! (Points to a human shaped shadow perched on the back of the Emperor's uncomfortable seat.)
Suboshi: (gulps audibly.)
Emperor: Why is everyone staring at me? Wait, there's someone behind me, isn't there?
Everyone: (even those not present at the moment) Hai!
Emperor: (Jumps out of his throne and flies across the room, landing on his cone hat.) Oh, my head!
Amiboshi/Suboshi/Chichiri/Tasuki: That's no ghost! Gomen gomen! We can't help you here! (They run out the door, followed by Tamahome and Ashitare)
Tamahome: Let me out first you putrid beast! If the Ghostbusters can't stop her, I'm saving my skin, not yours!
Ashitare: I feel the same way!
(The two of them are stuck in the door, trying to both be the first one out.)
Assassin: I will get you! (She hurries to catch up with Amiboshi and Suboshi, shoving Ashitare and Tamahome out of her way.)
Soi: Whew! Now that that is over…. Your Highness, what did you think about the rice?
Emperor: It was…it was…I need my advisor!
Chuei: (He rings a gong.)
Chiriko: (A trapdoor opens in the floor in front of the Emperor. Chiriko pops out.) You needed my service, Emperor-san?
Emperor: (Nods.) I need a good word for when something is offensive to the taste.
Chiriko: (Sighs.) I didn't give you a thesaurus for your birthday for no reason, Your Majesty.
Emperor: Please! (Gets up off his rear end and uses Chiriko as means to stand up again.)
Chiriko: Okay, okay, okay. Let me see now…(taps his chin with one finger) What about these? (Clears his throat) Listen to these choices and tell me which one you like best.
Tasuki: (Whispers to Chichiri. Yes I know they just appeared.) That's if he can remember any of them.
Emperor: I heard that! Dishes tonight Tasuki and Chichiri!
Chichiri: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I didn't do anything, no da?
Tasuki: Shaddup. (He slumps over.)
Chiriko: (Names off words for the Emperor) Awful, beastly, disagreeable, foul, gross, malodorous, mephitic, murderous, nauseating, noxious, objectionable, poison, raunchy, repellent, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, rough, sickening, soiled, stinking, unappetizing, unpleasant, vile, yucky…I'll stop there. Which one did you like most?
(Everyone is staring wide-eyed at Chiriko. They all blink at the same time, twice.)
Emperor: Uhhh…I think I will stick with gross. You may leave now Chiriko.
Soi: Should I send for the doctor?
Emperor: (nods as he holds his stomach.) That demon did something to the rice…
Mitsukake: (Bounds into the room) Here I am.
Emperor: I have a stomach pain…
Chiriko: It's called a stomachache Your Highness.
Emperor: I told you to leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (
Mitsukake: This should make you all better Emperor-sama.
(There is the sound of glass breaking as two short people enter the room)
Boushin: Lord father! Where's Lord father?
Kourin: I want Nii-chan!!! Where is he?
Emperor: What are these children doing here? I do not want them here!!! Guards!!
Ashitare: (Rushes forward, ready to remove the two little children) GGGrrrrrrrr!!!!!
Amiboshi: (Plays his flute; causing Ashitare to fall to the floor, howling in pain)
Suboshi: Don't worry Your Majesty! We'll take care of these two.
Emperor: Fine, but do not let them enter my throne room again.
Suboshi: No problem! I don't know why they came here in the first place.
Mitsukake: (Exchanges confused faces and a shrug with Chiriko and they both leave)
Tamahome: Emperor-sama, there is someone else here to see you. Would you like me to escort her in?
Soi: Here we go again. (Hides her face in her hands)
Emperor: Bring her in.
Yui: (She enters. Carefully eyeing Tamahome). Here, Your Greatness. I have brought you candies from Tokyo. They are extremely yummy.
Emperor: I shall try some of these candies from your strange country.
Yui: (blinks) Actually, Your Highness, Tokyo is a city.
Emperor: I do not care! Bring me the candy, Chuei!!!
Chuei: Hai! Hai! It's coming!! (Takes the candy from Yui and nearly trips on his way up the flight of stairs.) Gomen nasai!
Soi: (Rolls her eyes as Emperor takes a handful of candy and shoves it in his mouth) You really need to learn manners.
Kouji: (His voice is muffled) Hello? Who is it? It Kouji, Genrou's buddy! Really? Come in! Domo arigatou.
Tasuki: Kouji!
Kouji: Tasuki! I'm glad to see you again!
Tasuki: Are you kidding? I saw you last night!!
(The two of them are dancing happily.)
Chichiri: Daaaaaa! Why is Kouji-kun here?
Tasuki: Who cares?!
Emperor: (Spits furiously) These are not good enough! Take her away and lock her up with her other friend!
Tamahome: I wondered what had happened to Miaka!
Ashitare: I will escort her to the dungeon cell.
Tamahome: Don't even think about hurting her. Scum!!!
Ashitare: You cut me to the quick! I would never dream…actually, I might dream about it, but I would never really do it. She's the Seiryuu no Miko!!!
Tamahome: (Grunts)
Kourin: I want candy.
Emperor: Gack! What are you doing back here!?
Kourin: (sniffs disdainfully) I'm looking for nii-chan. And I want candy.
Emperor: Here! Take this blasted stuff!
(Kourin takes the candy and slips out the door.)
Tamahome: (Leaning against the door) Perhaps I should go and see if Miaka is all right. ( (Gasps) I don't know what he'll do to her! (Runs down the hall.)
Emperor: (Sniffs sadly) My tummy is growling…. (His lip quivers)
Soi: Grow up! (Beats the Emperor over the head)
Tamahome: (Comes running back in) Aahhhhhh! Save me! Taiitsukun is after meeeee!
Tasuki: I don't see that sand-throwing old woman….
Tamahome: (Is cowering behind Tasuki)
Chichiri: I know who is coming, na no da.
(Miboshi and Tomo enter, unescorted)
Tomo: (Bows low to the ground in front of the emperor's throne)
Miboshi: (Floats)
Tomo: (Rises) Ah! Noble Lord! We heard of your request, and have brought you something we thought would be extremely pleasing to you royal taste buds. (Whips out a shinning gold platter)
Emperor: (Eyes the gold) What is it…?
Miboshi: You see, we have brought you grapes from Sairou. They have the best grapes there, if I do say so myself…
Emperor: (Eyes are starry) Uh, yes! Bring forth the grapes, Chuei!
Chuei: (Trudges over and take the gold platter of grapes) Here, Emperor- sama.
Rokou: (Appears behind Soi's throne and slips her a paper)
Soi: (Nods and starts singing the Chinese Sailor Moon theme)
Emperor: (Raises an eyebrow as he plucks a grape from the platter)
Tomo: (Elbows Miboshi) Those grapes look funny….
Miboshi: (Whispers) Of coarse they do…. I contaminated them.
Tomo: (Cringes) With what?
Miboshi: (Opens his mouth)
Tomo: Never mind, I don't want to know….
Miboshi: (Grins)
Suboshi: Nooo! You have to postpone the lunar trip! Princess Snow Kaguya is trying to take over the world! (Dives into Emperor's lap, knocking the platter away)
Emperor: (Too bad, he already ate a grape) What is on this grape! It is very fowl! Remove them! Remove them! Off with their heads!
Tasuki and Chichiri: Off with their heads! Off with their heads! (Pull Miboshi and Tomo away)
Emperor: That was very draining. I wish someone would bring something good for once…
Soi: (Finishes the Chinese Sailor Moon theme. She starts to sing the Italian version)
Emperor: Would you STOP that?
Soi: (Pouts) Fine… I was only doing as Rokou told me.
Emperor: These past few weeks have been 'Rokou this, Rokou that'! What is with you?!
Soi: (Her eyes tear up) I must tell you! I do not love you anymore! I am going to leave you for Rokou!
Emperor: It cannot be! I have loved you since I first saw you!
Soi: Yes, I know. It pains me to leave you, but this life is not what I want. I want to be with Rokou!
Rokou: (Appears from nowhere) Soi-sama, My Love. Come with me, we shall elope together.
Soi: (Runs down the steps in slow motion and takes Rokou's hand) I am ready and willing, Man of my Heart.
Tasuki: (to Chichiri) And here I was thinkin' Soi loved Nakago!
Chichiri: Da….
Suboshi: (Sheepishly gets up off the floor) I better go find Aniki. Uhh, gomen nasai.
Assassin: (Drops from the ceiling) I have found you!
Suboshi: Ahhh! (Runs away with Assassin hot on his heels)
Tokaki: (enter singing) Subaru. Subaru. How I love you, Subaru. You make me feel like a warm spring's day…. (Strolls over to the Emperor and taps him on the shoulder) Hey, you have someone waiting out there to come in. By the smell of it, he's got food with him! Nicely cooked, I might add.
Emperor: (Smiles) Let him in! Let him in!
(Hotohori enters with a basket)
Emperor: My good man, what have you brought for me to try?
Hotohori: (Refuses to bow) I have brought to you… Seafood from Hokkan! (Rips cloth off of the food)
(The food sparkles)
(Chiriko wanders into the throne room)
Tasuki: (Gags) Chichiri, are those FISH GUTS he has in there?
Chichiri: (Can only nod)
Chiriko: And fish eggs by the look of the junk in that corner.
Tasuki and Chichiri: (Choke)
Chiriko: It's okay. Fish eggs aren't as bad as they sound.
Tasuki: Are ya sure about that? (Still looks pale)
Chichiri: My stomach doesn't like the sight of fish guts and fish eggs in a basket, na no da?
Emperor: (Screams) That sight is horrendous! What are you doing, bringing that to me?
Hotohori: (Shrugs) It tastes pretty good… and I wanted to make you to loose your lunch.
Emperor: (Leaning over the side of his uncomfortable chair)
Chichiri: I think he succeeded.
Tasuki: (Tossing his cookies)
Chiriko: A little too well if you were to ask me.
Emperor: (Gasping) Remove him! He has tried to injure me! Off with his head!
Tasuki: I love this job.
Tasuki and Chichiri: Off with his head! Off with his head! (Drag Hotohori away)
Hotohori: (From down the hall) I demand to know what I have done wrong! I was only jesting with an enemy of old times! Have you no heart?!
Emperor: That was humiliating. Now I have messed all over my clean floor.
Tokaki: (Dashes out the door)
Emperor: Now what was that about?
Chiriko: I have no idea, Emperor. (Follows Tokaki)
(Night falls)
Suboshi: (Running wildly through the halls, Amiboshi beside him) We have to find a good place to hide!
Amiboshi: And where would that be?
Suboshi: I don't know! You're the older one, you tell me!
Assassin: I shall slit your throats!
Suboshi: Eep! Go faster!
Amiboshi: I'm going as fast as I can!
Suboshi: Doesn't look like it to me! (Summons his Ryuuseisui)
Amiboshi: Suboshi! (Is out of sight with the Ryuuseisui behind him)
Suboshi: See?! You COULD go faster!
Amiboshi: (From somewhere up ahead) You are soooo dead!
(The rest of the night is fairly uneventful, as the twins manage to escape death)
Emperor: (Yawns as he walks into the throne room) Ohhhh, my poor tummy! It's so empty, and my empress left me for a singer-boy. I feel so depressed…
Tasuki: Don't be depressed! We have a surprise for you! (To himself) What is happening to me?! I'm sounding more and more like Chichiri!
Chichiri: Daaaaaa…. (Smiles)
Emperor: What is it that should cheer me?
Tasuki: (Is wearing a white tux, and there are three numbered doors behind him) Which door do you choose first?
Emperor: Uhhhh….
Chichiri: Choose door two! Door two, Emperor!
Mitsukake: No! Pick the first door! Pick number one!
Chichiri: Door three! Door three, Your Majesty! The third one, na no da? (Holds up four fingers)
Emperor: I… I pick the third door!
Tasuki: The third door it is! And what do we have hidden for our emperor behind the door?
(The door lifts up to reveal Boushin and Kourin)
Boushin: Is this where Lord Father is? (Is holding a familiar teddy bear)
Kourin: Is my big brother here?
Emperor: And they are supposed to make me happy?
Tasuki: (Gulps) They weren't supposed to be there! Honest! (Picks up Kourin) Get the other little kid Chichiri.
Chichiri: H-hai! (Grabs Boushin)
(From down the hall) Hotohori: If you harm one hair on my son's head, you'll be feeling ten times that pain for years!
Chichiri: I won't! I won't! I'll bring him right to you!
Tomo: (From down the hall) And while you're at it… Can you let me go?
Emperor: He shall not be set free!
Tomo: Rats….
Miboshi: What about me?
Emperor: You tried to kill me! No!
Emperor: (Still looking between the first and second door.) Hmmmm…. Can I choose a different door?
(Silence. Chichiri and Tasuki return.)
Tasuki: Go ahead and pick a different door.
Emperor: (Clasp hand together) Yay!
Mitsukake: (Gives the Emperor a quizzical look)
Emperor: I'll choose….
Mitsukake: The second doooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Emperor: The second one! (blinks) I just listened to the doctor…
Tasuki: You have chosen door two! What is hiding behind this door? Open the flap and then you will see…. I mean, let's find out!
(The door goes up, and there is a pile of jewels glittering in a treasure box. Chichiri is sitting on a stool beside the pile making gestures indicating the prize the emperor had picked.)
Emperor: Yippy-skippy!
Tasuki: Emperor-sama! You have chosen the door with many valuable jewels. Will you take them?
Emperor: (Nods and drools) Yes! Yes! I will!
Kouji: (enters) Sugoi! (His eyes go starry at the site of the jewels)
Emperor: No! They are mine! (Jumps out of his chair and dives into the pile of gems)
Kouji: (sticks out his tongue) Fine. Be that way.
Tasuki: (Pushes Kouji out of the room) You aren't makin' my job any easier here buddy.
Kouji: Ops! Gomen! I'll come back later.
Tasuki: Good idea.
Chichiri: (Backs away from a chibi Emperor who is still in the middle of his prize)
(There is a loud banging at the door)
Tamahome: (enters) Emperor-sama… (Sees that the Emperor has more wealth) Maybe now isn't a good time….
Emperor: No, no! Tell me what it is.
Tamahome: There is some else who has complied with your request to bring you a new food…
Emperor: I have been waiting for this!
Tamahome: (sweat drops) There is a problem though.
Emperor: Nani?
Tamahome: (sighs) The thing is…there are two people who claim to have brought you the exact same food….
Emperor: Let them both in. (Sits in his throne)
Tamahome: (Bows and exits)
(A few minuets pass)
Emperor: (Tapping fingers against one another)
Tasuki: (Throwing spit wads at Chichiri)
Chichiri: (Throwing the spit wads back)
Tasuki: (Gets a dart gun and stuffs it with spit wads)
Chichiri: (Makes a frightened face and dives behind the throne)
Tasuki: Bwua-hahahaha! (Gives chase)
Emperor: Where did that stupid guard get to?!
Tamahome: (enters hunched over, breathing heavily)
Emperor: What took you so long?
Tamahome: (raises head to look at the emperor, tries to speak, but he cannot)
Nakago: (enters) He got in my way.
Nuriko: You're a jerk.
Nakago: (Places a hand over his whip)
Nuriko: Biiiiiida! (Sticks out his tongue and pulls at the skin under his eye)
Nakago: (is about to smack Nuriko with his whip)
Nuriko: (ready to punch Nakago)
Emperor: Stop! (Stands)
Nuriko: He started it.
Nakago: As I see it, you are the one who is acting in an uncivilized manner. You tried to cheat me out of what I came to do!
Nuriko: You lie! (Cries) You were always jealous because Mother loved me best!
Nakago: W-what? What are you talking about? We aren't even related.
Nuriko: So that is how deep your hate for me is! (Puts the back of his hand on his forehead) You so let your feelings overrun you that you have disowned me as your super-kowaii little brother! (Cries)
Nakago: (sidesteps away from Nuriko)
Nuriko: (Is suddenly blowing his nose into Nakago's cape)
Nakago: Get away!
Nuriko: Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
Emperor: WHAT HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME!!!????
(Nuriko and Nakago go down on one knee simultaneously and bow their heads)
Nakago: (holding a silver platter) I…
Nuriko: (holding a crystal bowl) …Have brought—
Nakago: (Glare at Nuriko) …You—
Nuriko: (Glares back) ….Raisins…
Nakago: (snarls at Nuriko) ….From…
Nuriko and Nakago: Konan!
Emperor: Raisins? They sound good, although they are from the enemy country.
Nuriko: At least give the food a try! (Give the Emperor a puppy-dog face)
Emperor: Okay, okay! Tasuki! Bring me the raisins from the blond surfer- dude! Chichiri! Bring me the raisins from the purple-haired gay guy!
Nakago: (stares) Surfer-dude?
Nuriko: At least you could call me a 'new half'! (Crosses his arms over his chest and pouts)
Emperor: (Eats one raisin from the platter and one from the bowl)
Nuriko: Well?
Nakago: What do you think?
Tasuki: Could he…
Chichiri: …Really like it?
Emperor: Wonderful! These raisins are the best things I have eaten for so long! (Leaps from his uncomfortable throne and gives Nuriko and Nakago a big hung) You two are wonderful brothers from bringing me these raisins!
Nakago: We aren't brothers.
Nuriko: Aww, come one now. Don't be bashful. He liked them!
Nakago: (Rolls his eyes)
Emperor: I command you to continue bringing me these raisins from Konan or else I will have your heads!
Nuriko and Nakago: Y-yes, Your Majesty!
(Night falls)
Amiboshi: (breathing deeply) Man! Why doesn't that assassin go after someone else?
Suboshi: (Also breathing hard) I…don't…know…. What did we do in the first place to deserve this?
Assassin: You saw me as I was sneaking about the palace!
Amiboshi: Kyaaaaa!
Suboshi: That was a girlie scream… Yipe!
Amiboshi: Please don't hurt me! I'm too cute to die!
Suboshi: And I'm too sweet and innocent to die!
Assassin: (sweat drops) Come on, grow up.
Suboshi: (Sniffling) You aren't gonna kill us?
Assassin: Naw… I really didn't want to kill you two, but it was fun to chase you around.
Amiboshi: Oh, that's good. (Sighs)
Assassin: Never trust your enemy! (Dives at Suboshi)
Suboshi: What is this? (Pushes the Assassin away)
Amiboshi: But…but…but….
Suboshi: I think this means 'RUN'!
Amiboshi: But I'm so tired!
Assassin: (Laughing) I shall not kill you yet. I must remember my first instructions to rid Kutou of the Emperor.
Amiboshi: Ano…?
Assassin: (Irritated) What is it?
Amiboshi: Does this mean we can go without you chasing us?
Assassin: (Thinks) I'll give you the count of 'five' to get out of my sights. One…
Suboshi: (Helps Amiboshi up off of the floor)
Assassin: Two…
Amiboshi: (Sighs) Tired…
Assassin: Three…
Suboshi: (Whispers urgently) Hurry up!
Amiboshi: I can't… I'm tired….
Assassin: FOUR…!
Suboshi: (Throws Amiboshi over his shoulder and runs away, leaving a dust trail)
Assassin: Five… (Shrugs) Oh well… (Melts into the shadows)
(Night passes)
Emperor: (Creating a pace track in the floor as he walks back and forth in the throne room) They had better come or else… (Makes a slicing motion across his neck)
Ashitare: (To Tamahome) You know, maybe we should quit. No one is going to seriously try to bump him off. Well, they might, but no one cares.
Tamahome: I don't know. I like having a paying job. I like having money.
Ashitare: I was just thinking out loud.
Tamahome: Naturally. I was surprised you thought at all.
Ashitare: Why you…!
(Nuriko and Nakago enter)
Nuriko: I told you, they are my raisins. Didn't we cover this already?
Nakago: We obviously have not done so well enough for you. You still insist that you were the one to think of them in the first place.
Nuriko: I was! (Stomps angrily and leaves a dent in the tile floor)
Nakago: Really.
Nuriko: Whoops. Wasn't me. He did it. (Points to Nakago)
Nakago: I did not!
Nuriko: Did too!
Nakago: I refuse to fight with you.
Nuriko: Oh good. That means I win.
Nakago: I'm sorry, but it does not.
Emperor: Silence! Have you brought me my raisins?
Nakago: Of coarse, Emperor-sama.
Nuriko: Why wouldn't I?
Emperor: Good. (Rings a bell and Chuei appears) Food please.
Chuei: Hai, hai. (Takes the raisins from Nakago and Nuriko)
Emperor: (Chews thoughtfully on a raisin) Hey… weren't you two background dancers for the Ghostbusters?
Nuriko: Uuhhhhh, where did you ever get that idea?
Emperor: You look like one of them, and so does he. (Indicated Nakago with his head)
Nakago: You must have mistaken us for different people.
Emperor: Yes. You are probably right.
Nuriko: (Nods furiously)
Emperor: You may go. Be sure to come back tomarrow.
Nuriko: Right….
Nakago: How could I forget? My head is at stake here.
Nuriko: So is mine?
Nakago: Mine is more important.
Nuriko: Is not.
Nakago: And I am the one who was coming here with raisins first.
Nuriko: Oh? You had me fooled.
Nakago: Ggrrrrr!
Tamahome: Come on! If you're going to fight, please take it outside ladies!
Nuriko and Nakago: Ladies? (Both give Tamahome an evil look)
Tamahome: Uh-oh… (Runs)
(Nuriko and Nakago make a quick exit)
(The morning becomes a very hot afternoon)
Assassin: (Using suction cups to stick to the ceiling) He should be coming any minuet…
Emperor: (Turns a corner and stops directly under the assassin)
Assassin: (Whispers) Yes… (Drops on top of the Kutou Emperor)
Emperor: Aahhh! Attack! Attack on the Emperor!
Assassin: (Slams the Emperor into the wall) Close your mouth!
Emperor: (Complies)
Assassin: You have something that I want…
Emperor: If it is riches you want, name your price! (Looks very worried)
Assassin: It's isn't anything like that… My husband is here, and I want revenge on the person who got him to come. It made his son cry! And now my son is missing as well!
Emperor: I…I do not understand. Who are you? Who is this husband and son you speak of?
Assassin: You dare act this way?! So have you sealed your fate! (Leaps away)
Emperor: (A stupid look on his face) What?
(Night comes and goes)
Nuriko: (Enters the throne room all alone)
Emperor: Only you have come today? Where is your brother?
Nuriko: He, uh, got a little tied up in some other business.
Emperor: I see…
Tasuki: ...Said the blind man.
Chichiri: What blind man?
Tasuki: That one. (Points to a corner where a man with a white cane is sitting)
Chichiri: Oh.
Blind Man: Heh, heh… I see.
Tasuki: I told ya he said it.
(There is a crash outside the door)
(A Nakago tied up in ropes inches into the room. He has a gag in his mouth)
Nakago: (Mumbles)
Nuriko: (Asks innocently) What did you say dear brother?
Nakago: (Manages to get the gag off) I am NOT your brother! And what I said was, 'Nice try you gay weasel'!
Nuriko: (Places a hand over his heart) You cut me to the quick! Did you think I was going to take all the credit for the raisins? (Bats his eyes at Nakago)
Nakago: yes, I did.
Nuriko: Dang, he caught me.
Emperor: My raisins…?
Nuriko: Ah yes. Here you are. (Takes a bowl of raisins to the Emperor) From my dear, sweet, very pushy older brother and me.
Nakago: Oi…
Nuriko: And not to mention that my brother is a very over confident man who uses people's weaknesses and tries to perform some sort of brainwashing on them…
Nakago: Oi…
Nuriko: …And he tried to do scary things with my Miko—
Nakago: Knock it off already!
Nuriko: Who? Me? I wasn't saying anything that had to do with you. Nope, nope, nope!
Tasuki: (To Chichiri) Strange brothers…
Chichiri: I have to agree, na no da…
Nuriko: (An evil grin spreads across his face) I love you! (Jumps onto Nakago and snuggles close)
Emperor: (Gags) I thought you were brothers…
Nuriko: (Eye get really big and watery) You won't ever leave me, will you? I got so lonely last night when you had to stay out late because of some unfinished business.
Emperor: (Stares)
Tasuki: (Jaw is hanging to the ground)
Chichiri: (Sweat drops) That's sick, no da?
Nakago: Don't listen to him! We do NOT live together!
Nuriko: Don't get so embarrassed, Baby.
Nakago: B-baby? What did you hit your head on?!
Tasuki: (Hides behind Chichiri)
Chichiri: (Hides behind Tasuki)
Tasuki: (Hides behind Chichiri)
Kouji: (Enters) Hey, Gen—
(Kouji's upper lips twitches)
Kouji: Never mind… (Starts to leave but Tasuki pulls him back in.)
Tasuki: You've gotta hide me!
Kouji: Are you crazy? There are guys making out on the floor!
Tasuki: What? (Looks back to Nakago and Nuriko)
Nuriko: (Kissing Nakago)
Tasuki: EEECCCHHHIII!!!!!! (Claps his hands over his eyes)
Chichiri: I'm getting out of here, na no da! (Disappears into his cloak)
Tasuki: Wait for me! (Dives into the cloak and disappears)
Kouji: Don't forget me!
Emperor: (Hiding behind his throne) Please cease the immoral behavior while you are in my throne room!
Nuriko: (Stand) Notice how he said 'while you're in my throne room'? He doesn't want to be too much of a hypocrite. He does have all those women…
Nakago: (Stands but is still tied up) I am going to whip you severely later.
Nuriko: We better leave… (Teasingly blows a kiss at Nakago)
Emperor: (Eats more raisins)
(Evening Comes)
Amiboshi: (Playing his flute)
Suboshi: (Making music with his Ryuuseisui)
Emperor: This is very soothing music. It is so relaxing after such a weird day…
Chuei: I think the purple-haired one was joking, Your Majesty.
Emperor: You think so?
Chuei: Yes.
Emperor: That makes me feel better.
Assassin: (Drops from the ceiling) I have come to take your life.
Amiboshi and Suboshi: (Freeze)
Assassin: (Stalks over to the Emperor) I will only give you one more chance. My husband?
Emperor: I honestly do not know of whom you speak! I will answer you truthfully if you tell me what you mean.
Assassin: (Taps the black veil where her lips would be) If you insist. My husband is the emperor of Konan…
Emperor: You mean Saihitei?
Assassin: Yes. He is also a Suzaku shichi seishi.
Emperor: (Gulps) He is in the prison…
Assassin: WHAT??!!!! (Snarls)
Emperor: I will free him immediately!
Assassin: Good.
Suboshi: Ano… Assassin-sama?
Assassin: (Turns her head) What do you want?
Suboshi: Does that make you H-houki-sama?
Assassin: (Raises an eyebrow) It does.
Amiboshi: I don't believe it. (Eyes get wide in awe) I will personally take you to Hotohori.
Assassin (Houki): Thank you.
(Suboshi, Amiboshi, Houki, and the Emperor go to the dungeon)
Emperor: (Sets Hotohori free)
Hotohori: Why did you set me free? (His gaze settles on the Assassin) H- houki?
Houki (Assassin): Hotohori! (Jumps into Hotohori's arms)
Hotohori: Houki!
(They kiss passionately)
Miboshi: How sweet.
Tomo: How touching.
Miboshi: Hey, are you going to let us out, too?
Emperor: Not on your life, Floaty.
Miboshi: (Floats and glares)
Tomo: Kakakakakakaka…. (Laughs in the usual Tomo way)
Miboshi: (Floats)
Emperor: (To Hotohori and Houki) I will allow you to sleep in one of the spare chambers.
Hotohori: Thanks you.
(They leave)
Amiboshi: (To Suboshi) Come on. I'm tired. We had better get to bed.
Suboshi: (Yawns and nods sleepily)
(They exit)
Emperor: Good night you two. (Cackles as he leaves)
Tomo: Crapid. We're still stuck in here.
Miboshi: (Floats)
Tomo: Would you STOP with the floating already?!
Miboshi: (Floats)
Tomo: Aaarrgg! (Smashes Miboshi over the head with his fist)
(Night turns to morning)
Emperor: (Waiting in the throne room)
(Doors open slowly)
Mitsukake and Chiriko: (Are wearing all black. They are chanting a song for the dead)
Emperor: What is going on here?
(Chuei enters with Kourin and Boushin)
Chuei: Hush, hush. It will be okay.
Kourin and Boushin: (Cry harder)
(Tamahome and Ashitare enter)
Tamahome: Poor guy… (Starts to cry)
Ashitare: (Nods)
(They bow their heads and clasp their hands in front of themselves)
(Chichiri, Tasuki, Tokaki, and Kouji enter wearing dresses. Sadly they throw rose petal onto the floor. Tasuki and Kouji stand next to Ashitare, and Tokaki and Chichiri stand next to Tamahome.)
Mitsukake: (Sadly) Bring it in….
Tomo and Miboshi: (Enter bearing a small casket)
Tomo: Who would have thought? He was still so young…
Miboshi: (Floats) And so innocent.
Tomo and Miboshi: Wwaaaahhhh!
(Hotohori leads Houki into the room. Houki is crying into Hotohori's shoulder)
Nuriko: He was like a little brother to me! I didn't want this for him!
Nakago: You're getting over emotional.
Nuriko: But…but…
Nakago: (Nods) It is awful to lose some who you are close to.
Nuriko and Nakago: (Cry into handkerchiefs) Why us?
Emperor: (Watches the funeral procession) Have you brought me my raisins?
Nakago: We could not do so.
Emperor: And why not? (Places his hands on his hips)
Nuriko: Konan died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Begins to cry uncontrollably into his handkerchief)
Emperor: How could Konan die? Konan is a country for crying out loud!
Nuriko: Nuh-uh…
Nakago: Konan was…
Nuriko: Our pet rabbit.