let me know
on top of this ending tune
I am standing here alone
now tell me
that it's over, let me know
—bangtan boys, "let me know"
And when she thinks back on it, she realizes how obvious it was. Hindsight is 20/20, and love doesn't happen at the drop of a mask. She knows this—knew this—once?—or not—because look, she sneers at herself, look at what you've done. Look at how you wanted so desperately that you ignored the truth.
(Look at him, and look at you, and look at the distance between you. Distance is a function of how alone he is with you and how much Ladybug you are showing, and guess what? It's inversely proportional.
She laughs at herself bitterly. Listen to me. I don't even like math. But he does. And that's really all that matters, isn't it?)
Because Adrien doesn't talk to her when she's Marinette, not when other people are around. He looks at her and smiles, but it's his model smile, his polite mask, the one she hates because it's the representation of an emotional wall so thick and so high that she could never get past it without her powers. It's a wall that breaks down as soon as she channels her Ladybug persona, the side of her that is beautiful and heroic and not strictly real.
Adrien loves Ladybug: fact. Adrien loves Marinette: ooh, nice try, but no, not even close.
Adrien loves a phantom, a dream, a wish, whose medium happens to be plain ole Marinette: ding ding ding! We have a winner.
Honestly, she hates herself most in times like this—that is, times when she is alone with her thoughts and she can't avoid the truth anymore, and she turns into this dark, insecure, self-loathing idiot (who is almost less of a ghost than Ladybug). She turns into the opposite of everything she's ever stood for and—heaven help her—she almost hates Adrien, just a little, for having the ability to make her into such a creature and using it. It's a cruel, jealous, selfish thought, that he's completely at fault, but sometimes it makes her feel better.
(It's what makes her feel better when she thinks that in reality, Adrien probably loves Tikki more than he does her.
In her darkest, darkest moments, she even resents Tikki a little for choosing her, for subjecting her to this unfair comparison between her and Ladybug. But then she hates herself that much more and has to pinch herself to bleeding as punishment in order to feel like less of a monster.)
And it's a long, long time—it's no simple journey to the lowest of lows, after all, and she's almost amazed at how close she gets—before she finally realizes that if she doesn't stop this, doesn't stop killing herself, she will break, and break irreversibly. She will be a pitiful, useless, broken shell of a girl and—well, she doesn't love him that much, she supposes as she claws at her chest, wondering if the pain of knowing she's not good enough will ever go away. (She has never believed heartbreak can be a physical pain until now.)
She wonders if all the tears she's cried in the past few months would be enough to fill a bucket. She's cried a lot, but a bucket is pretty ambitious, isn't it? An entire bucket. She could wash something clean with all that water, like maybe her brain of memories or her heart of love, or pain, or want—or maybe her body of her heart because surely that's easier than looking at this boy she loves so much, this boy she fell in love with twice and really cannot love anymore, and seeing barely half of her reflected in his eyes.
Surely.
And so: "Adrien?"
"Yes, my lady?" comes the immediate reply. (Not "princess," no, never "princess" anymore because "princess" was always just a pale substitute, a practice dummy, for "my lady." And "Marinette"—well, she'll probably be in hell before that name ever leaves his lips again.)
"Will you kiss me?" One last time, she adds silently as she refuses to fake a Ladybug smirk and instead smiles a Marinette smile instead, hoping to be recognized just this once, please, just once.
He grins his Chat Noir grin while looking at her with his bright Adrien eyes and Marinette feels the pieces of her broken heart shivering with just how much she loves him. He leans in, eyes closed, and kisses her softly, carefully, but she's so numb with the knowledge of what she's about to do that she can hardly feel him.
"Will you tell me you love me?" she begs, hoping against all hope he will call something her different this time, see her for who she is in these last seconds before she acts, but alas—
"I love you, my lady, so much," he breathes warmly against her lips. She almost wails. "What else do you ask of me?"
"Do you trust me?" And she knows the answer to this question, knows he is sincere, knows that trust is the one thing that has never been an issue between them, not really.
A chuckle, and then he echoes his words from months ago, the beginning of the end, when she surrendered her heart to him so stupidly and forgot all her reasons for keeping her secret: "You know I do."
She closes her eyes and begins to cry quietly, knowing what's to come. The inevitability of it all hits her in full force now and her knees almost buckle to the ground under the weight of it. Her shoulders shake and her eyes sting and her chest aches and her body is cold and she can almost physically feel his confusion (but don't worry, I'm just building up to it, you'll understand soon enough).
She calls Tikki and dons her spotted suit before him for the last time. She takes a deep breath and looks him straight in the eyes and there's a vague comprehension dawning there ("the end is near").
Marinette speaks: "Will you leave and never look at me, speak to me, or think of me again?"
notes: ok yeah i'm a horrible person but i was just feeling some good old-fashioned angst you know? the pain, it hurts so good. tentatively complete? let me know (haha) if you want more and i'll think about it (tbh i'm not sure how to continue, i kinda want this to be a sad ending ahaha...)
also sorry about the math-y metaphor up there, im taking multivariable calc right now (finally, ugh) + physics and clearly it's all getting to me ahahahhahahhaahhahahahahahhahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa
PLEASE READ now i know this doesn't really fit after all the events of a spark, and a fall and hook, line, and sinker because that storyline was always supposed to end relatively happy, and hopeful, but idk i just love the idea of post-reveal mari and adrien together but mari realizes that adrien is really only in love with ladybug? like? idk it honestly feels pretty realistic to me. (i mean, given that mari does fall for chat previously. i know that's unlikely too but i love marichat sorrynotsorry sooo yes mari loves all of him) and i mean it vaguely? works? like mari had to show him she's ladybug and adrien didn't really notice her till after that right? so the idea here is that after hook, line, and sinker they're together but adrien is still really only in love with ladybug. like he acknowledges that mari is a lovely person and he likes her in a very friendly way but he's really projecting all his ladybug love onto her because he now knows that she is ladybug. so when he's with mari he's still kinda awk and distant and especially when people are around, he treats her like a casual friend. no pda, obvs, and he doesn't really call her mari anymore because she's his lady after all (ok i know this is extreme but i wanted to go there ok). i just feel like adrien "fell" kinda fast in hook, line, and sinker and realistically he is not actually in love with mari. yet. i mean eventually, if mari could tough it out and force him to pay more attention to the real her, he would because ofc, but at this point he's still so in love with the illusion of ladybug that he can't really see past her. AND YES THIS IS AN EXTREME VERSION BUT I LIKE EXTREME OK. i know adrien is a nice and considerate guy and would probably not be this (unintentionally) cruel and i love him but. this is. how it's gonna be. in this au. (ooc, i'm sorry to disappoint you, but hey au fanfiction. half the point.)
also wow i am actually so melodramatic? like i want to write realistic but sufficiently emotional things but i think they always end up being drawn out, melodramatic, sobfests that include dialogue no self-respecting person would actually say in reel lyf? idk lmk your thoughts!
(also the song i quoted at the top is kpop but also fucking awesome. the group is fucking awesome. and hot. they have fucking amazing lyrics and music. clearly i have strong positive feelings about them, please don't hate on kpop or my obsession with it lol. the song's lyrics are actually from the pov of a guy who has already broken up with a girl and knows they are done, they'd never work out, but still has lingering feelings for her. i thought it kinda fit.)
ok sorry my notes are back to being almost longer than the story itself, lmfao. i hope you liked ("liked"?) this story! tell me your thoughts!
disclaimer: i don't own miraculous ladybug or bts + their music/lyrics and all that good stuff. :D