She is truly a disturbance and I truly hate her.
So many times I have told this inside of my heart yet it is not that rare for me to always say that word towards my own wife, Gon. I didn't love her yet I am forced to married her because of my parents forced it as politic marriage.
Everyone always thought that we are a perfect couple for each other, but for me, she is only someone whom is truly a hassle and when I said, hassle. It means extremely more troublesome than my own job.
I'm not joking about this matter.
Starting from her having a strange habit in which whenever every time she asleep, she would at least growl and softly bark in her sleeps that pissed me off, is she an animal? Even I felt angry when she touches and moving my things even though she intends to clean the room and to be honest, for me it is not necessary as we had hundreds of maids to order around. I even trust the maids more to clean the room rather than my own wife.
So many times I snap and exclaim harshly at her, she only smiles causing me to get tired and my temper raised. After I exhaust myself in snapping towards her, she would make a soup for me so that my sore throat would feel better. I don't even know if she had mental illness or something, I even hope I can get a divorce but this would cause a lot of problems. The reason, I repeat, because our marriage is a political marriage.
"Killua, you are not eating?" Gon asked when I am in hurry from preparing myself to go to work as usual.
"I don't have a time, stupid! I'm almost late and you're not waking me up!?" I snap harshly towards her. If possibly my client will cancel this big project, as usual I would blame my irresponsible wife. Maybe with that, her power will be destroyed and I will finally be able to divorce her.
I truly hate her. How could I not? There are times where she uses my wardrobe to put her things. There are also time where she tries to persuade me into eating her cooking that eventually I eat a bite and I thought it was disgusting, makes neither me to never ever eat nor touching it ever. There is another time where she drinks tea in our room and her tea stain was left on the table. Also she is very annoying for keep asking my day and also calling whenever I am busy or when I am having fun with my co-worker. But what made me feel animosity the most was when she is pregnant.
Even though I've always snapped at her by saying that I would never want to have children even though we live in a luxury. I think having a child would be very troublesome, for it only took your time and draining your stamina. That's why I always ask him to take the pills so this does not happen. But unexpectedly when one time she forgot and it happened. I continued to shout at and scolded her and asked her to have an abortion but she refused and begged that she wanted to give birth to this child. She even kneel, begging and kissing my feet which making me disgusted, which making me finally agreed on her request. On the condition that she would be the one to take care of the child and we will not have anymore children.
Finally, when the child was born, many congratulated me and think that I should be proud to be the father as the boy look a lot like me, with sapphire eyes and silver hair. I only gave a fake smile towards them and pretend to be happy with all of the congratulation. But actually I do not like it, let alone having the thought of taking care of it. At least for my relief, I do not have to take care of the child, whom named Kallua only because he looks just like me. I think I want to kill that boy, if only Gon aborted him, it would be she is the one who killed the boy, not me.
Time passed until finally Kallua was seven years old. During this time, I do not care about him as much as I do not care about Gon. I felt the child was far more intelligent than Gon because he never asked me anything and never see me or call me. Looks like he really had my intelligence to know that I hate him and do not want to increasing the hatred by not saying anything.
As usual, I was working in my office and I got a call. I already know that the usual call I'm getting would be Gon and my guess is right, as usual. When I pick up the call and was about to snap at her, the sound of an unknown person was found in the call and said that Gon is in the hospital due to an accident. Hearing it can only make me goes silent then thank him after a moment before closing the call and start working again, without expression and quietly in the peace.
I've never visited Gon in the hospital and I did not see Kallua well, maybe he went to visit? I'm just resting in the room alone and feel the atmosphere so quiet and silent, even after a while I kept catching myself look at the phone and then shakes my head, having no idea on why I'm waiting for a call from Gon.
A few days went by and I felt something goes wrong. Gon had never called nor set foot in the house but Kallua often being seen at home even though I never saw him talk. I do not know whether Gon actually having such a bad condition? Finally I was doing things that I thought would never do. I went to the hospital and intend to see her even if it's only for a glimpse. Then, I went to the front desk, asking for her room number.
"Excuse me, which room is where Gon Zaoldyeck was in?" I asked the nurse.
"Gon Zaoldyeck?" The nurse said before seeing the list and looked back at me with a puzzled look. "Sorry, but the patient had already died a few days ago" said the nurse back.
Those words seems to have make my mind went blank. What resonated in my head is my wife is dead and I had no idea about it. I never thought, only a few seconds hearing the news have made my sights began to darken.
The next thing I know, I passed out.
When I woke up, I looked around and realized that I was in a bed at my own room. In reflex, I began to feel the part of a bed where Gon usually had slept.
`Cold ' is the only thing in my mind when I felt how cold the mattress is when it is usually warmed by her body heat.
That fact also makes me started remembering that Gon was dead. Unexpectedly, my vision started to blur and then the tears flowed. Several times I wiped the tears, it's only making the tears flow faster. I never cry and I never thought how much of the pain I felt of remembering Gon whom is now gone. All this time I thought that if she was no longer be here, I'll be happy.
But I was not happy, I just wanted her to be kept by my side always.
I miss her, I even began to rarely eat that makes all the servants began to worry about me. At that moment, I see the recipes written by her. I know the cooking featured in this recipe, because this is just one of the food that she always begged me to eat it. When I'm cooking it, it reminded me of her more as the tears again flowed when I eat it, remember this so nostalgic taste. Previously, I think this is a very bad food, but now, I cannot stop eating them now for I feel that this food is the most delicious food without any competition.
I even missed her smile, her laughter and her touch. I even hope to hear her voice when I was just waking up. Hoping that she would gives my stuff when I will be ready to work. Hoping she was at the door when I was getting ready to go. Wishing for her to come back in my life.
Even I woke up in my bed, hearing the sound of smooth barking at night that reminded me of the habit while she is sleeping. I hope that she was always there falling asleep at my side as usual, but only disappointed whine came out of my mouth when I sees the bed empty and that is the sound coming from a dog that just happened to be in the yard. Knowing it can only make me filled with beaten sense and remorse feelings haunting me, I feel worse and dying inside.
All of her treatment that pisses me off now left me longing for it. I do not want to throwing away all the objects associated with her. I do not even want her clothes washed. I always carrying her picture in my wallet, and there are her picture I display at a table near the bed so I could see her while I asleep and wake up.
I often look at my phone, hoping she called and asked my condition as usual. I was not even aware that I move her things in my closet, making me think that she herself put it that made me hit my own head as a result of my idiotic behavior.
`You'll never know what you have before you lost it 'Well those words proven to be true. I never realized how important the presence of Gon is in me before she died. That's when I realized, how much importance of her in my life.
I do not want to admit that she is gone, but that's a fact, and I no longer know what to do without her.
The days I passed with me feeling weak and depressed. Gon's death was a huge impact for me. As I just wanted to go to my room, I saw Kallua coming towards me and looked at me seriously. This surprised me because as long as he was born until now, I never met him, and he never met me face to like this especially because we have never looked at each other.
Those stares was continued for a few moments before he sighed with resignation. He begin to searching his pocket and took out the letter then handed it to me without saying anything. Unconsciously, I was taking it, without saying anything. Then he was gone, leaving me with a letter. I went into my room, lying in bed and staring at the letter given by my son.
Initially, I thought that he wants something. Given that Gon was dead and that I should take care of him but my eyes bulged at the sight of Gon's signature on the envelope. I begin taking a sitting position and tore the envelope. Fortunately, I did not tear the letter in it, I started to open the letter and read it.
Killua.
Sorry for all this time I can only make you upset and unable to make you happy. Now that I'm gone, I hope that now you are free to do whatever you want. I also hope that you can get someone much better than me whom could be someone who is not only good for you but also on Kallua.
Many things I want to say, but maybe this will only made you upset, so even if it's only for a moment you see this letter. I was very happy about it. Sorry if I had been troublesome, and I had been selfish all this time.
I hope that you will always be happy Killua and even though I do not deserve it, I want you to know that I love you so much. Goodbye.
The letter just ends there. I can only cry again when I read the short letter.
More. I want to hear more from her. I think she was absolutely not being selfish herself, because if she does so, she would write a letter that is much longer than this and I certainly would not mind reading it. During this time I do not even know what she did day by day, what she likes and dislikes are what I do not know. If she were still here, I would ask very much to know her more deeply.
She loves me, but instead I hate her. When she's gone, that when I realized her love and I love her.
Then, I was surprised to learn that Kallua was the one whom managed the funeral process of Gon. Maybe because I never care about it, I was recently told by servants that Kallua was genius. He is not only number one in school but getting scholarship for Oxford or in Manchester or in various universities of the most qualified and famous. He also a stockholder whom has a trade its own shares and has a big profit. Now I realized this, for not only I did not know anything about Gon but also about Kallua.
When I saw the wardrobe, I was surprised to find that the clothes belonged Gon constantly reduced. Angrily, I was snapped at the maids, did they not know that I want her scent keep stick in her clothes and I do not want them to wash it. But unexpectedly, apparently Kallua was the one who took the clothes, it got me thinking. Kallua must have been gotten hit very hard by the departure of Gon and want to keep the clothes as a memento. He cannot say anything, for Kallua is much closer to Gon than himself. Maybe because he did not know anything about his son, he decided to go to his room. Hoping he was there and take some time so that they can carry on a conversation for the first time.
Kallua? You in?" Killua asked as he knocked on the door.
Silence
`Is he sleeping or currently not inside of his room, huh? ' Killua thought as he opened the door and found it was unlocked.
Nervously, Killua was entering Kallua's room. Somewhat surprised to see the room almost exactly with what he liked and had used when he was at Kallua's age. Maybe they really have in common, he paced around until his eyes fixed on the photo album.
Killua open it and see the whole picture was only Gon and Kallua who seemed having a vacation. Seeing the two of them alone and smiling feels makes Killua feel lonely, even this is the first time he saw Kallua smiling.
But unexpectedly, he could see the time when the photo was taken and it was written clearly when the photo was taken, only a few days ago.
"W- what does this means?!" Killua said with surprise, why is there a photo of Kallua along with Gon when Gon had died a few months ago.
"What are you doing in my room?"
Killua turned around and saw that Kallua currently looked at him in annoyed expression.
"Kallua, what is the meaning of this!?" Killua said while showing the photos in the album.
For a moment, Killua saw Kallua slightly widen his eyes before he started to look annoyed once more.
"So?" Kallua asked in flat tone
Hearing it only pisses me off, doesn't that means that Gon is still alive and Kallua hides that fact? I started growling and began to clench my hands with rage.
"So? So is what you say !? Doesn't this mean Gon was still alive, and you did not say it !? What does this mean!?" I snapped irritably.
Kallua only goes silent that makes me more upset. I feel angry, maybe I'm much more upset now than when knowing Gon was pregnant.
"Well, Mama truly not die. Only a coma as a result of the accident and has conscious a long time ago, I had ask them all to shut up and made them to tell false information that Mama was dead" said Kallua that seems relaxed, even without expression.
Killua's anger started to rise, did not think that his own son as the mastermind whom causing him to believes that Gon died. He began hitting Kallua so hard that he bounces a little on the floor.
" HOW DARE YOU! WHAT KIND OF A CHILD ARE YOU! DON'T YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED!" Killua shouted with anger and his hands were prepared to hit Kallua again.
Kallua was just silent and holding his bruised cheek. He began to stare at his father with hatred.
"It is the right of mine to say or do anything that I want, isn't it" Kallua continued In which makes Killua begin to throw a punch back.
"Why? Is not like all this time you ever cared about Mama? Even you never visited her in the hospital" Kallua said.
Killua anger also seemed to disappear in hearing those words. The hand that was almost close distance to Kallua was only a few inches. His eyes widened and his hands began to tremble too.
"You want to know why I did not tell you!? The reason is simple. Because I do not want you to hurt Mama further! Even you always say that you hate her and this the perfect opportunity to free Mama from monsters like you. That's why I move her in place secure, so you can not hurt her back " Kallua hiss with hate.
Killua was surprised to hear it, hearing his son only wants to protect Gon from himself. He knew that his son was right but he was trying to find a reason.
"But you cannot do whatever you want like that! Even as your father I-"
"Ahahahahaahahahahahaha!"
Killua cut off his words, confused by the laugh of his son. But the laughter was fake laughter, laughter that did not show the expression. Even Killua did not know why his son was laughing for what reason.
"My father?" Kallua goes laughing again before resuming " It was a joke in between funny and not funny"
"W- What are you talking about !? I am really your father!" Killua said seriously, do not understand why his son doubts him. In fact, they both look quite similar although Kallua's hair is much longer than his.
"Hah! Perhaps you truly are my father, but I never saw you as my father. So stop using the word father to me because it is useless" Kallua said, still sounding hate in every word he spoke.
Silence
Killua can only be silent. A feeling of tightness in his chest was he felt when he heard those words from his own son. That remark really hurt him, even he might cry in front of his son now due to that nasty remarks.
"Wh- Why?" Killua said with a raspy tone, slightly hold back tears that almost came out.
"Why?" said Kallua down, vibrate before seeing Killua in disgust.
"Because you hate me! In fact, you do not ever want me to be born in this world! You know, from the very start, I've always wondered why my father never wanted to see me or come to a parent's event which usually only attended by Mama. Even on my birthday also, you never there. You were never there when I want you there. I always see you whom looked at me with a gaze full of hate! That's when I found out that you do not want me from some of the maids were whispering and saying you never want to have kids. Even when knowing Mama is pregrant, you even told her to have an abortion! Were you truly hate me that much!?"
Kallua goes inhale, then he also continues talking back.
"I'm very grateful because Mama has been fighting for my life. Mama was the one who gave life to me! She has been raised me and always take good care of me. While you absolutely nothing! You did nothing in my life! So you have no right to call yourself my father or hope that I will consider you as my father! "
Having said that all, Kallua starting to exhale to calm his emotions. For a moment he paused and emotions subsided, he sees his father and surprised, seeing his father cry.
"What is this !? A- Acting !? I will not be fooled" Kallua snapped loudly.
"I'm sorry" Killua said, looking down.
"I do not care!" Kallua said, staring in disgust.
"Sorry" said Killua back, still looking down.
"I will not be fooled!" Kallua snapped rudely and still with a look of annoyance, but the look was slightly softened.
Killua began squatting so he and his son are on the same level.
"I- I truly am not a good father and husband. I am what you say, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never knew you and Gon more when I had a chance, I'm sorry we never take a family photo together. I'm sorry we never go on vacation together, I'm really sorry! " Killua said, weeping with regret.
Kallua only goes silent seeing his father, who sees him with the face of contrite and with tears.
"Kallua, I did not have the right to ask you a favor. But I beg you, tell me where Gon is!" Killua said before pleading and knelt to worship, just as Gon did when she tries to convince Killua to give birth to Kallua.
"Wh- why do I have to say it!" Kallua snapped with a low voice.
"I beg you! I know you do not think of me as your father. But just this once as your father, I really beg you" Killua said back with pitiful voice.
"I do not care" Kallua snapped back.
"I beg you, Kallua, I really am sorry! Please, I really beg you. I was devastated without her, I really miss her, I want to apologize to her! I suffer in agony and I was nothing without her" Killua cried with sorrowful voice, still with a bent position.
The silence again struck. But Killua's tears still flowed when he was kneeling and begging while Kallua still silent and bowed his head, his expression is not visible but then he bit his quivering lower lips and clenched his hands.
"6 stations north of here, in this rural place go up the hill in the east"
Killua raised his head look Kallua currently see with serious predicament.
"There is only one villa there. Mama was in the villa" said Kallua in low voice but Killua still hears him.
Killua slowly began to smile. Tears still flowing but this time the tears no more sorrow, but happiness.
"Kallua. Thanks" Killua said, wiping his tears.
"Hn" Kallua said shortly, while turned around and prepared to leave.
Kallua's stopped as he felt hands on his head and stroked his hair, he looked back and found his father smiling.
"I know I do not deserve to be your father but as your father, I'm proud of you all this time for keeping very hard to protect your mother" Killua said, still smiling.
Killua stood up and rushed off to meet Gon, leaving Kallua which slowly reach his head and stroked his hair slightly, as if he could still feel the hand of his father who stroked his hair earlier. Unexpectedly, tears dripping from Kallua's eyes as well.
"It's been a long time, I wish to get affection from my own father"
Finally, Killua was impatiently waiting for the train at the station after ordering tickets. After 6 stations, he goes down and go up the hill. As Kallua said, there is a fairly large villa and a luxury looking that according to Killua, the villa was definitely a result of shares owned by Kallua.
When he is near at the villa, a figure which he longed for comes out and stood on the balcony, enjoying the view in front of her. Killua was fascinated, seing his wife combined by a gentle breeze, the bright light and the view in front of her to make her beauty shine.
"GON" Killua shouted, successfully attracted Gon's attention and make her surprised to see Killua.
"Killua?" Gon said that initially surprised then smiled as she sees him.
Finally Gon runs inside and Killua also run in order to get to the villa. When he was already at the door, the door had been opened by Gon.
"Gon!" Killua shouted with happiness before hugging her.
"Killua" Gon said as he hugged him back
"Gon, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I love you so much" Killua said, still hugging Gon.
"Me too Killua. I love you so much" said Gon, crying in joy.
"Gon, you will go back with me, right? I'm completely ruined without you. Again, please forgive me" Killua said with tears back out as he tightened his grip.
"Yes, over the months. I always wanted to come back. But I think you're much happier without me. That's why Kallua asked me to stay here and I asked him to give the letter to you as my last word" Gon said as she closed her eyes.
Killua grimace a little "Do not say the last. I do not want you to go again. This time, I will not let you go" Killua said with a smile.
I'm grateful for Gon to forgive me and during all this time, she never stopped loving me, even though I always gave rough treatment to her. Finally, I invited her to return home so that we could be a family. But become a family was so tough, when I remembered Kallua. Moreover, he says that he hates me. Maybe he'll never forgive me.
"You did not talk to him?" Gon asked as I put my arms around her when I was in the room.
"He said he did not think of me as a father and I'm sure that he hold grudge on me. I even haven't apologize because I hit him" Killua said softly, feeling guilty.
"Killua, I'm sure Kallua not holding any grudge. If he does so, he will never tell you where he told me to stay, right?" Gon said.
"I do not know" said Killua in low voice.
"At least, try to speak to him again. I'm sure he will not mind, especially during all this time, he always wanted you to notice him" Gon said with a smile.
"All right" said Killua briefly and sees Gon before walking out of the room.
"What's wrong?" Gon asked, confused on why her husband still in this room.
Killua smiled, "You know, I do not mind if we have more children. The more, the better" Killua said in a grin along with mischievous tone before going while Gon only blushing madly as she process his words.
With nervous and stiff steps, Killua finally arrived in Kallua's room. He began knocking on the door and entered when Kallua open the door. Seeing Kallua has plaster on his cheek makes Killua having more guilt. Kallua went back to his book on the bed, making Killua sit on his bed as well.
"Err, Currently, what are you doing?" Killua asked, trying to start a conversation.
"Read a history book of Albert Einstein" Kallua said briefly as he holding up the book that is thick enough causing Killua to sweatdrop.
`Uhm. Do we have something in common or not? ' Killua thought bewildered for he seems to be unable to measure Kallua's genius level.
"Err, I'm sorry about your cheek. Is it alright?" Killua asked when he sees Killua's plastered cheek.
"Maybe I could ask the court for the emotional trauma of this wound and got 5 million yen from you" Kallua said casually with a small smirk.
"HUH !?" Killua was shocked to hear that.
"I'm just kidding" Kallua said without expression.
Killua gets confused plus scared `I so doubt that I have a similarity with my own son '
Finally the ice atmosphere was continued for a while ... Killua can only be silent while Kallua back to reading his book.
"Kallua?" Killua began to see his son reading a book "Want to eat some cake?" Killua said with a slight hesistation as he scratching his head.
Kallua see his father for a while "Sure, where?" Kallua said as he put a bookmark and put it in between the pages before closing it.
"At the cafe near the station. It's my favorite place, let's go" Killua said, rising from his bed.
"Okay, Papa" said Kallua, rising as well.
"Eh?" Automatically, Killua look at his son whom is now already ahead of him.
Did he has just called me Papa?
Slowly, Killua look towards Kallua in front of him with surprised look.
"What's wrong, Papa?" Kallua asked.
Killua began to smile, it looks like this child has opened his heart a little towards him.
"No, come on. Let's go there with three of us" Killua said, adding Gon together.
"Um" Kallua nodded and walked to follow me to invite Gon.
I can only smile at seeing Gon whom currently jogged with Kallua followed that made me run also to catch up with them. I might have to thank back on Kallua for making me realize how important their presence are to me. I also enjoy my days with my family before a moment, I'll create a bigger family.