Sebastian didn't tell anybody he was going. He didn't want anybody to know. To be honest, he was sort of hoping that Blaine would be asleep when he visited. He didn't know what he wanted to say or how he was supposed to apologize for what he'd done, but he had to at least see Blaine. He knew he couldn't make amends, and that made him not want to at all.
He skipped school on a Wednesday to go visit Blaine at the hospital. He figured his parents, who really didn't care all that much, would be working and his friends would all have to be at school, even Kurt. He told his mom he was sick and when she went to work, he got dressed and drove to the hospital.
He's always hated hospitals. Nothing particularly heartbreaking happened in his childhood or anything, but it was just for the general reasons of why people hate hospitals: they smell too sterilized, people are dying, and they're a cesspool for diseases and infections. The fact that he could feel his guilt welling up inside him -growing and growing- didn't help calm his nerves. His heart was pounding louder than before and his stomach in knots as he walked up to the floor that he heard Blaine was at.
He walked to the nurses' station and cleared his throat. When a young nurse looked up at him, he smiled softly. "Hi, can you tell me where Blaine Anderson's room is?"
"Oh, yes, room 309, he's right down the hall and to the right. But I've got to warn you, he's in pretty bad shape and he might be sleeping." The nurse said sweetly before looking back at the computer that she was entering some information into.
Sebastian thanked her and walked to the hospital room. It was a single room. Blaine was sleeping in the hospital bed. He looked so small in the large bed, with wires and IVs hooked up to his arms. His eye was covered in gauze and although he was sleeping, he still looked quite tired.
Sebastian almost left. It was too much for him. His eyes were already bordering with tears, and he felt as if he might throw up. He slowly walked over to the chair which was scooted very close to Blaine's bed. He could only think that Kurt was probably sitting in that chair the night before, trying to make Blaine feel better and to make him feel loved. That thought made him feel both disgusted with their relationship and with himself.
For a while, he just sat there, teary eyed, staring at Blaine. He watched him whimper in his sleep and twitch slightly. He wondered if he was having a nightmare. He wondered if Blaine was dreaming about how Sebastian hurt him. He wondered if the medicines they were giving Blaine were enough to flush out the pain that he had caused. He wondered if Blaine would wake up and just the mere sight of Sebastian would send him into a type of panic attack. He wondered if Blaine would order him out of the room. He wondered if his eye would ever be repaired or if he'd be permanently damaged. He wondered if Blaine would go his whole life with a horrible reminder of what happened that night.
And then, without realizing it, he was crying. He never cried. Okay, well not never, but it was a very rare occurrence. Sebastian crying in front of somebody is an even rarer occurrence. But he couldn't stop. Tears were flowing down his face and he found it hard to breathe. He took hold of Blaine's hand and held it gently. He said over and over, "I'm so sorry."
Without much warning, Blaine stirred in his sleep. He opened his eye and looked around the room, looking both dazed and confused. It was very obvious that Blaine was heavily medicated and exhausted. Sebastian sniffled and tried to contain some of his tears. Blaine didn't pull his hand away and neither did Sebastian.
Blaine sat up a little. He slowly started to recognize Sebastian. He furrowed his eyebrows a bit, but he couldn't do it too much because exaggerated facial expressions caused pain to his eye.
"B-bas?" he asked sleepily.
Sebastian sniffled again and wiped his tears with his other hand. He spoke softly and unsurely, "Hey there, killer."
"Why are you here?" he asked, almost wincing.
"I…. Oh god, Blaine. I'm so sorry." He used all of his strength not to cry.
"You hurt me." Blaine stated, realizing that Sebastian was holding his hand. He pulled away a bit.
"I did." Sebastian confirmed.
"Why would you do that?" Blaine asked, feeling confused.
"I didn't mean to. I… I meant to hurt Kurt, which I know is no better. I didn't think it would be this bad. I had no clue it would cause real damage. I was being an asshole." Sebastian blubbered.
"But I love Kurt." Blaine told him.
Sebastian nearly winced at those words. He nodded. "I know you do, Blaine. I know. It was a shitty thing for me to do."
"It was." Blaine agreed. He sighed a little.
"I don't want you to forgive me. I actually think you should hate me. I just wanted to apologize. I just… I never wanted to hurt you." Sebastian told him softly.
"I can't hate you, Bas. We're friends." Blaine said gently.
"But I hurt you." Sebastian told him.
"I know. And I'm mad at you. And I don't want to be friends, but we are friends. I can't just not be your friend because you made a mistake." Blaine told him.
Sebastian sighed. Blaine was out of it. This wasn't his real thought process. When he was doing better, he'd call Sebastian and tell him off and say how horrible he is. Actually, that's not Blaine's style. He hates causing conflict. He'd probably just avoid ever talking to or seeing Sebastian again. And Sebastian would have to be okay with that, because it's his own fault. He stood up. "We can talk about this when you're doing better, okay?"
"I just… I don't want you to think I don't love you." Blaine said softly.
Sebastian's heart jumped and his stomach twisted even tighter. He swallowed the lump in his throat before talking. "Love?"
"I don't know. You're one of my best friends, Bas. I love you." Blaine said softly, looking down.
"I love you too, B." Sebastian answered in a whisper. "But I should get going. I just wanted to say hi. I really want you to feel better. I'm so sorry."
Blaine nodded, "I'm going to be okay. I get surgery tomorrow and they're going to fix it, so I'll be fine. And I know you're sorry."
"Bye, Blaine." Sebastian said, turning toward the door.
"Bye, Sebastian." Blaine said back, settling down in a laying position against the pillows again.
And then Sebastian was walking down the hospital corridors, crying again. People probably thought he lost a loved one or something; they probably thought he had no blame in his own pain, but they were wrong. This was all Sebastian's fault. All of the turmoil and pain it caused, all of the confusion and mixed feelings were his own fault. He hurt Blaine. He hurt the only person that he even came close to loving, even if it was unrequited. In that moment, he swore he'd never be worthy of real love.