This is a chapter from the book "Harlequin: A Fool's World Novel" By Clayton Overstreet which is being published here for promotional reasons. It is available complete from Amazon and its affiliates in book format. If you do not want to wait for me to post the next chapter, have a problem with the formatting as it appears on this website, and would like to support me so that I can have the time and money needed to write more, I strongly suggest you buy it. I do own these characters and would like to seriously profit from them. This book is however private property, I own the copyright to the story and characters, and I would appreciate it if you did not disseminate it to other people. I can't stop you, I know, but I'd really prefer if you would just buy the book, even if you read the whole story here. Legal action however will be taken for plagiarism.
◊ Harlequin ◊
A Fool's World Novel
By, Clayton Overstreet
This book is dedicated to all the rule breakers out there, especially the ones who got away with it. The guys who write dictionaries know who I'm talking about. Where do you get the spelling? I before E my butt!
I wish to goodness we had a few fools left.
––––––Oscar Wilde
This fellow's wise enough to play the fool,
And to do that well craves a kind of wit.
He must observe their mood, on whom he jests,
The quality of persons and the time,
And like the haggard, check at every feather that comes before his eye.
This is a practice as full of labor as a wise man's art;
For folly that he wisely shows is fit,
But wise men, folly fallen, quite taint their wit.
–––––– The Man Who Wrote Shakespeare's Plays Twelfth Night *
*Note: My spelling and grammar checker says that the above quote is flawed. Since it is a quote
from Shakespeare you may see the humor in this.
Table Of Contents
Afterward Page 7
Chapter 2 Page 456
Chapter 1 Page 23
Chapter 23 Page -275
Chapter 3 Page 2
Chapter 15 Page 1456 Subsection 3 Paragraph 9Zii
Chapter 4 Turn to page 311, then 5, turn the book upside down, and then turn to page 64
Chapter 9 Stand on your head under a full moon and recite "Heyam Annie Dyot" five times as fast as you can
Page 37 Chapter 50 ½ %
Chapter 3656.9847512763746 Page 53439678 "How to tell when someone has made up a fake table of contents" or "Are you actually still looking at this page?"
Introduction Page 123 & 666
The Other History
Everything happens somewhere.
As you are no doubt aware there is not one universe, but an unknown and possibly infinite number. It is speculated that each time something happens or a choice is made it splits off into even more worlds like the branches of a tree, as every possibility is played out. Many of these universes are identical to ours save for a fallen leaf, a word said, or a war fought. Others are unimaginably different ranging from minor changes such as humans never existing at all to completely different sets of physical laws.
The world in which our story takes place is one of the ones that are close enough to ours for people to exist, but with more differences than a falling leaf. For the purposes of this narrative we will call it Fool's World. Not because it has more fools than us. In fact you would be hard pressed to find one resident who would think of their world as belonging to fools, aside perhaps for the fools themselves. Yet as we trace back along their history we find the key difference, the point in which their world and ours parted company.
In our world the British Empire had a civil war in which Oliver Cromwell took over for a time and in his puritan way did away with the practice of court jesters. Fools whose job it was to keep the kings humble and provoke new ways of thinking as well as to entertain. Though many felt that their job was just as entertainment and possibly if the fools of Charles I had been more focused on the other parts of their duties the civil war may have never happened in the first place. After the Restoration Charles II did not reinstate the tradition, though he found a particular actor named Thomas Killgrew particularly enthralling and allowed him to get away with making fun of many important people. Elsewhere in much of Europe the tradition mostly died out.
In Fool's World he instead hired Killgrew as his personal fool. Later when Oliver Cromwell and many of his followers, along with a lot of their enemies, were killed in the war and ultimately they lost allowing a small surviving branch of the royal family, the Bowes-Lyons, to retain the throne. The Bowes-Lyons had fools of their own and kept the tradition going. These are just a few of many differences between that world and the one you know.
For a start in Fool's World democracy never really caught on. Oh America still broke away from England and gave it a try, but not over taxes. The King at the time, Andrew III, had not levied quite so many tariffs or done quite as many infuriating things as the king on our world. It's just that colonies tend to break away and everyone wants to be a king. The differences that resulted between our worlds would take a lifetime to describe in detail, but suffice to say that in their America there are currently Thirty-Seven United States/Kingdoms, each ruled by its own queen or king and with nobles under them, chosen originally from among the common people who showed their metal in the war for independence. These kings and queens all are under the auspices of an emperor.
Not just white people either. Fools came to America (often banished by or in hiding from some outraged noble) and met those of the natives in their funny clothes and with their strange tricks. They found other fools among the tribes, such as the heyoka of the Lakota or the dwarf jesters who served Montezuma, and showed everyone that they were not so different after all. There were fights, but it is hard to have a war when there are clowns on both sides mocking those who fight only over superficial differences like skin color or whether they wear clothing. Gold of course was another story.
Similarly in Europe wars that on our world were fought over such differences found themselves tempered and those who fought them chastened by the barbs of the fools. Christian priests, including the popes, found their sermons heckled by men they were not allowed to touch who asked irritating questions like "how did they feed the lions if there were only seven zebras?" and "why?" Questions like that lodge into the minds of the more serious parishioner, who insist on answers. This sped up the progress of science as well, the honorable fool Christopher Columbus having already proven that the world was round. People who look for answers often find them and by the seventeen hundreds the world had a level of technology a hundred years ahead of ours. This also led to the freeing of slaves and a continuous pursuit of new technology rather than short bursts pushed forward by wars.
Christianity lost a bit of the stranglehold it had enjoyed before and older religions popped up again. Though the fact that Christians were unlikely to be picked out of the crowd and strapped to an altar and got a day of rest every week did keep them very popular and led the rest away from human sacrifice as well. Some fool pointed out that, for the gods, religion was somewhat similar to the stalking enjoyed by famous singers and nobody really enjoyed having their fans building shrines and throwing themselves at the singer's feet while cutting out their own hearts. Faith was still important, especially since there were so many things scientists still could never explain, but it was understood by most that this needed to be tempered by logic and the assumption that if a higher power started speaking to you, it was wise to seek a doctor's help before climbing to the top to the water tower and shooting the "infidels".
As for bigotry, while not eliminated that too was taken down to levels most of our civilized world did not reach until the late twentieth century. Hating someone for their skin color or even sexual orientation took second place to the hatred felt for the fool with the green-painted face currently dressed up as your favorite person (perhaps the pope or your wife or even you) and amorously mounting a sheep in full view of authorities while everyone either laughed and you were unable to do anything about it. Denying women rights was stupid when the fool could be a man dressed in lady's clothes, a woman in drag, or you were unable to tell what they were under the makeup. With their royal supporters a female fool, safely hidden behind their masks and makeup, could retaliate against a man who beat his wife or sexually harassed someone in ways that would make them long for such treatment themselves rather than what the jester might come up with to amuse the gentry and likewise teach them lessons on how to treat women.
In retaliation a person might hire their own fool to make fun of the owner of the fool who made fun of them. The fools became weapons of society as well as a status symbol. Who had the funniest? The most outlandish? The Duke of Cornwall's fool suggests that the Spanish King's wife blows the horses in the stable? Well the Spanish King's fool coincidentally finds that the Duke's Mother gang-bangs a dozen Moors on cold moonless nights (knights?) while the Pope watches and blesses the union. Tempers rise, yet nobody is stupid enough to believe they can make their armies fight and die over the jest of a fool. It would be like watching Hamlet performed and being outraged at the implications on the monarchy, thus identifying themselves with the evil king who watches the play within the play and is horrified as it shows his own misdeeds.
Likewise the people of Fool's World are more environmentally conscious than us. In addition to fools, and possibly to help with their acts, animals are often required. What king, some say, is complete without their own menagerie of rare animals? A fool in Germany had a dozen trained Dodo birds gifted him by his queen and trained them to form a pyramid on one another's backs. At the same time the scientists discovered things like solar and wind power early, freeing children from work houses and eliminating most fossil and other soot causing fuels before they were used much for machinery in the first place. Everyone who was smart enough to crack nuclear power had also been smart enough to see that building let alone using such a device was a fool's errand. By the time enough scientists could have done it the technology had become rendered obsolete as a power source by more stable and less polluting types and no one had ever suggested the idea of using it as a weapon. Add in the understanding relationships among Native Americans, African tribes, Asian Priests, Aborigines, and other cultures that might or might not start with "A" that live in harmony with nature and while Fool's World has its problems, it is a lot more clean and natural than the one we grew up in. In today's time Fool's World has a world population of roughly three and a half billion people and aside from the massive forests between them a town or city would not appear all that different from one of ours, if cleaner.
As said before Democracy never caught on. Fools pointed out that not only did it revolve around what was basically a popularity contest, but people in such a government could pass on responsibility, do their job for a limited time and then retire without consequence of their action, and that there was nothing in the rules to keep complete morons from running or voting. In a monarchy you may have problems with the queen or king's decision, but if the royalty screwed up too bad an angry populace with torches and pitchforks knew who to blame and what to do to fix it, as demonstrated by the French rebellion. France overthrew some royals, but without America for an example and with a few fools around to keep the royalty humble, more than a few escaped the guillotine and even saw the rebels' point. Every country is different of course, but most of them at least developed a system of checks and balances as kings balanced their power against keeping their heads.
Meanwhile the fools went on, but not as obviously as you might think. They were no different than doctors, lawyers, or any other profession. Oh some had certain mystical connections and others did deeds that made history, but no more than any king, lawyer, actor, or stock broker. You might see them capering at court, clowning in a circus, wrangling at the rodeo, performing at birthday parties, as mascots, or even begging on the street, but the average person would see them as no different than any other noble, performer, cowboy, or bum.
Some fools got jobs in corporations working for rich men who wanted the same benefits as kings. This had been going on a very long time since the days when even privateers would have a fool on board ship and woe betide their captured enemies who would suddenly be the fool's "captive audience". Some are performers on stage, screen, circus, or street. Others work among priests, from the pope to those who run the Hindu, Shinto, Taoist, and Buddhist temples of the east, the Voodoo and Shamanic religions of the South and West, and much more.
By the eighteen hundreds the tradition to not harm a fool had been imprinted in everyone's head until two things happened in 1870 that changed that. First was a bombing of the Tower of London, by a fool known as Jolly Jackson on Guy Fawkes' Day. He claimed he wanted to see if it was true that England would fall if the crows really left the tower and, as he said, it was not like the royal family was wearing the jewels. England did not fall, but he was hung for killing thirteen people in his little joke. Less than a month later the Queen of England at the time, emboldened by the foolish disaster perpetrated by Jolly Jack, had her personal fool Nagging Natalie (one of the first openly female fools) beheaded when, as a joke, she hung her highness's rather lewd under things out of the royal bedroom window in full view of the public.
The world was split on how to respond. The position of fool was a sacred trust, seen as a mystical connection to the gods. They were meant to shake up the world. To keep people from getting complacent. Had not Foolish Freddy averted a war between Japan and Denmark by blowing his own brains out with a laugh at the foot of the emperor's throne? Did not Sooty Sarah lead a parade of cross-dressers on the castle of the Swedish King to demand fair treatment for all under the law regardless of sexuality? Naturally everyone remembered how the Dodgy Dane, mime extraordinaire, invented the gyroscope for his tilting tightrope unicycle bit and that the same device had been a benefit to many other machines used every day for a variety of useful purposes!
At the same time, were they to let the fools run wild? Could anyone put on a bit of makeup and commit murder? Disrupt foreign policies? Convince young children to dance in traffic and experiment with dangerous drugs just because they wanted to?
So a compromise was reached. Men needed to be trained to be doctors. To operate heavy machinery and automobiles. To fight wars and use weapons. To be a lawyer or judge. Fools spent time among the leaders of the world. They were allowed to advise them at times. Consort with their enemies during negotiations. And ultimately whatever they did, they were supposed to be able to do it without consequence, even if it meant airing dirty (and from the tales a mix of leathery and lacy) laundry of even those most powerful without fear or reprisal. Because nobody else, including the royals themselves, could.
The first Fool School was opened in England in 1872. There young people who either volunteered or were chosen to be fools, could go to learn and practice. The school grounds were considered foreign soil, like an embassy, and responsible for themselves. If it caught fire they damned well had better be able to put it out themselves because nobody else was allowed to help. (It has in fact caught fire many times, but fortunately was built on an old stone castle and has since been fire proofed as best as possible. Experience has shown that nothing is completely fool proof.) They had to employ their own doctors, staff, and teachers. Most of them fools who retired from active duty due to accident, injury, or whatever.
More schools soon followed in every country. Each has its own traditions and teaches them to the students, if only because one must know what a tradition is and the rules are in order to defy it. Many of the students in such places, even in modern times, suffer grievous injuries and often die. If they complete it they are issued an official Fool's License.
Not that anyone in the world is required to pass a test to tell a joke or even dress up as a clown. There are professional comedians and performers who will never see the inside of one of those schools. Who are loved and famous for being jesters, clowns, and fools. Stand up comedians are as plentiful in Fool's World as here. Pie fights happen.
So what, you may ask, is the point?
Well a Fool's License, a real one, protects an official fool. There are countries in which a man who dresses like a woman or a woman who so much as defies a man can still be stoned to death. Where to speak a word against their ruler or his nobles and minions is treason. While most monarchs are fairly easy going about such things, not caring if they get a jab from their subjects every now and then, some take their position quite seriously.
A licensed fool can walk through such a place unmolested. They could walk up to the ruler's wife and kiss or boff her in full view of all, be the fool man or woman, and according to the law agreed to by most countries, said ruler would be required to do nothing to them or the wife. True they might anyway and many a fool has died doing something like that, but they would have to think about it first because the world court would be convened and the ruler would be tried. If said fool actually forced themselves on the woman he might merely be censured or fined. If the court deems that it was merely a joke or was not forced, he can be removed from power, his assets seized, and should he defy the decision his country would be the target of all others until he was deposed and his lands divided. It has happened three times in the last century.
That means that every leader naturally wants only a licensed fool. To the rich they are a luxury. To a politician having a licensed fool on their payroll is a necessity. If only to counter another fool. Often it backfires, as they are also subject to the fool's whims and jests. A fool's license is a license to kill, to destroy, to disrupt life and cause chaos. They do not even have to be funny. It also does not hurt that if a fool agrees to a contract of their own will they have to follow it, especially if there are clauses allowing their employers to beat, silence, trade them to other employers like property, or otherwise chastise them. Negotiations over that and the fool's pay/benefits package are often quite complex as well as how far they are allowed to push their employers. It depends on if the fool thinks they can survive in the world without a pay check. Some turn to a life of crime, using their immunity to pull off thefts, murders, or more if they get caught. Though sometimes if the crime was done in the right way, such as when one widely despised king was assassinated with a balloon elephant, a cream pie, and a monkey they let the killer off with a warning.
Which is why not only are there highly specific requirements to earn the license, there are also severe penalties for misusing it. In order to get such a license a fool must complete their training to the satisfaction of their teachers. They are put through their paces and strenuously tested. Many quit. Some kill themselves. A few fail and apply to different schools. Others go their whole lives and never pass. It's just like law school, medical school, and so on.
On completion of the school's requirements (which vary between institutions) once a year the local lords and ladies are invited to the graduation ceremony where the fool-to-be, if they dare to participate, chooses one at random and is to perform for them. If they fail to impress their chosen audience they can be sent back to retrain. Fail three times and they are forbidden from ever being licensed.
Finally if a fool pulls a prank which violates the laws of the land, they are usually exempt. However if a complaint is made, due to severe property damage, loss of limb, sanity, or life, or political problems resulting in such things, they are sent before a review board. In order for this to happen the person filing the complaint must first get the fool's current employer (if they have one), the royal who approved their license or a proxy, and an official from the school that issued it to agree that the fool in question overstepped themselves and then prove in court that the so called "offence" caused more harm than good to a judge and jury made up of people from the community physically closest to the fool's actions at the time. If found guilty the fool's license is stripped and he is subject to the full brunt of the law. This has happened many times and like impeaching a president in our world rarely works. It has only succeeded twice in Fool's World and one was over turned. There is an appeal process involving riddle contests and literal gallows' humor. In some cases if the fool's employer chooses to they can pay a wergild, or blood money, if the fool was acting while on their pay or on their orders and they just want everyone to go away. Whether they continue to employ said fool after that and if anyone else will risk it is up to them. Even a fool with a license can end up a street bum if they cannot find work.
The fool's license is not meant to allow them to be serial killers, rapists, or torturers. In fact a part of the training is meant to weed out such people. On the other hand being able to get away with nearly anything is part of the fool's trade. Like being royalty. They do the impossible. Not things that are physically impossible (unless they figure out some way), but things nobody else would even think of because they do not happen. Like the chess master who leaves his queen open to a direct attack, but does not lose it because his opponent assumes that he would never do that and does not even see it. Or when a person goes to sleep and the concept that they might wake up in a desert, on the Great Wall of China, or anywhere but where they were never enters their head until it actually happens.
A fool does the things another person would never even imagine doing and if it goes well people remember and repeat it. If it goes bad people may never do it again… though history says that eventually somebody will. The first person to intentionally stick their head into a lion's mouth or hit a man in the face with a pie or openly insulting a king in public to everyone's amusement, including the king's. The names of the first people to succeed at such things (those who fail rarely get the chance to tell anyone) are often lost to history, but the acts live on.
Not that the license if a perfect guarantee of safety. While the licensing and protection system may seem to favor the fool, more than a few of them have just vanished over the years. There are investigators who come looking if a fool disappears, they are about as effective as anyone investigating the death of any other court official. If a king has had a fool killed and buried in a shallow grave or the fool has just wandered off… you have to prove it. So a fool who has pushed too hard can end up dead just like anyone else who pisses off powerful people regardless of laws and taboos. There are stories… possibly true… that sometimes when this happens the gods will punish the perpetrator, which keeps most people in line… usually. Whether this is true or not there are no stories of them intervening before the fool dies so at least for the fool it is a moot point. Other fools, called Reapers, are known to handle punishments, with extreme overreactions, for both those who harm a fool and fools who put the others in danger by overstepping their roles. Most people are familiar with them from that famous motion picture "Balloons & Blood".
Well that should be enough for you to get a basic idea of how Fool's World works. Other things will be explained as the story continues. Anything that is not mentioned you can assume works like our own world. Even things that are the same and have different names there have been translated into their nearest Earth counterpart for your reading ease by the narrator. All good stories start with someone making a fool of themselves, whatever else they are, and what better place to begin than at a place where that applies to everyone?
Here we are again.
Chapter 1
School For Fools
There are times when a person finds that despite everything they can do, someone else makes a fool out of them.
Dahlia St. Carrigan stared around the main hall of Castle Joy, the place that was to be her home. It was empty and impressive and nothing at all what she had imagined the premier school for fools in America to look like. Oh there were flags and tapestries displayed showing a few scenes with clowns, so they were clearly in the right place. Her father was at a podium at the head of the room talking to a bent backed old man in an orange and green costume, bells on his floppy horned hat, pantaloons, and a red nose on his face. No makeup, but with a long white beard that dangled down to his knees.
She had begged her father not to bring her to this place. All it had gotten her was a slap across the face, the bruise still visible on her skin. Not much of a hit. Her father had sent her to the finest boarding schools since she was a small child and the nuns there liked to use the cane, oh didn't they just. She was used to pain, discipline, and knowing when to do as she was told while keeping her mouth shut. She had already been disinherited. The Duke had been very clear about that. "You wish to make a fool of me? Then I shall make one of you." Those words had sealed her fate.
Even over the echoes of the hall she could hear the old man talking, "You are certain you wish to do this my lord? From what you tell me we would have to qualify your daughter as a Natural."
The Duke sneered. "I care not for your buffoonery clown. My daughter is not being sent here because she needs to learn your japes and jokes. She and I have little in common, but we share distaste for your kind. I am sending her here as her punishment." He briefly looked over his shoulder at Dahlia. "I have taken everything but her clothing. Her only support will come from her student fees here. You will feed and clothe her and provide her a home. Should she pass your idiotic tests she will spend her days as a fool or anything else she chooses to make of herself. Fail and she will immediately be thrown out into the world a penniless beggar to make her own way or die. The only reason I have not disowned her entirely is because I would be forfeiting my rights to visit this fate upon her and see the results."
The old fool cracked a gap-toothed grin and cackled. "Faith nuncle. A real charmer, aren't you my lord?"
The Duke peered down at him from over his long beak-like nose. Sadly something else he shared with his daughter who otherwise shared her mother's beauty. Though she also had her mother's bunny teeth, the tips of which were always peeking over her lower lip. Surgery to fix either was denied her as they were considered features of her illustrious ancestors. "If it were up to me this place and all like it would be leveled along with its inhabitants."
"Then it is a fine thing that it is not up to you, you inbred streak of piss," he replied cheerfully. "So you can stuff it right up your ass and get on with business, sir."
The Duke sniffed and Dahlia, despite herself, was torn between outright shock and a fit of giggles she could barely suppress. She snorted once, but managed to school her look as her father's head snapped around. She had seen him have a servant beaten once because the man had scuffed his shoes at a dance by accident. The man had quit and successfully sued him for more than ten thousand dollars, which the Duke had paid happily and commented that it was worth it knowing that the man would always have the reminders of his beating and that the others would be more careful. To see that withered old man with his silly outfit talk to her father as if he were a slug was unthinkable and suddenly her father's hatred of fools made more sense. Men he could not have beaten were unnatural in his eyes. As unnatural as his daughter.
The two men finished their conversation, money changed hands, and they came over to her. Her father in his dark suit stood over Dahlia and sneered down at her like a vulture with better hair. "I am required to allow you home for a few weeks in the spring. If you show contrition then I may not return you to this pit. It will be your final chance, my daughter, to get back into my good graces. In the mean time I expect excellence in your classes as much now as ever, for fool or not I will not be the father of a failure." Without waiting for a response, because his word was final, he walked past her and out of the huge doors that led back through the giant clown face and the tooth-shaped gate to the real world. Dahlia wondered if her father would execute her if she did fail him on top of everything else and in her heart knew that it would be best not to test him.
Dahlia started to turn to watch him go when a withered claw-like hand landed on her shoulder. She turned into the face of a man who could have been her great grandfather… after they buried him. "So, your father says you hate fools too?"
"That was a misunderstanding," she said. "One year my mother wanted to dress me up like a clown and I refused. I said I did not like clowns, but the truth is I just did not want to wear the makeup. I'd seen a television program on how sometimes actors wear body makeup and die because their skin suffocates. Explaining it would have been pointless and it made my father smile for one of the few times. I do not even like wearing normal makeup."
The old man cackled. "Ah, yes. I know all about that. It's true; a few times people have died from makeup. In the old days they used to make it from all kinds of things including poisons. I myself have always enjoyed the art." Then to her horror he reached up and sank his fingers into his face, tearing the skin from his flesh.
Dahlia was still screaming when she realized that under his visage was not bloody meat, but smooth unblemished skin. The old fool took a step back, straightening up, and peeled the rest of his face away and then began removing the liver spotted skin of his arms. Amazed Dahlia saw a middle aged man appear from the elderly one like a butterfly from a cocoon. Instead he looked strong, tall, and when he swept aside his fool's cap to bow, had dark black hair with silver streaks over his ears.
"I am the headmaster of this academy, Old Man Winter."
"That is your name?" She asked cautiously, still surprised by the transformation.
"The one I chose. You can call yourself whatever you want, but each fool chooses a name that goes on their license along with pictures of you with and without your chosen persona."
"I don't understand."
"Ah, to have a pupil who knows so little of our ways. It has been a while since the gentry have sent us one such as yourself. At least against their will. A blank slate with no preconceived expectations. It happens, but rarely these days as most are enlightened." He shrugged. "Then again not many years ago, in your case, it would have been a choice between us and the mental asylum."
Dahlia's eyes lowered. "My father told you why he sent me here?"
"Indeed, though I have personally never seen it as a flaw. Around here it's actually an asset. You my dear, are a Natural."
"A natural what? I heard you say that to my father who calls me quite the opposite."
He smiled with perfect teeth, the rotten yellow ones now safely put away in a pocket. Absently he replaced the red nose and she found she could not help smiling a little. "We can discuss that later. For now I will take you on a tour of our grounds and give you your school supplies. Just leave your luggage here and it will be taken to your room." Dahlia hesitated. "Something wrong?"
"Well I… this is a place for fools and clowns right? I'm afraid what might happen if I go off with a stranger or leave my things unsupervised. I've already had one shock in the last few moments."
The man laughed, this time long and deep, not the aged cackle he had used before. "A good practice, but you don't have to worry. For your first two weeks while you audit the classes and are deciding what you wish to learn you are considered untouchable. Nobody may harm or play pranks on you unless you act first. They may try to taunt you into it and of course after two weeks if you have developed a grudge they will be able to seek revenge, though since you'll be in the Natural's tower you probably won't have that problem."
She blinked. "I get to choose my classes?"
He laughed. "My dear, students here can even decide whether or not to show up for the classes they do choose. We do not monitor your whereabouts or care if you pass our tests. All of that is on your head. Our teachers only do their best. If you can succeed on your own, feel free. If you fail either with or without our lessons, again, it's on you. Doing your best is all we ask and if you do not we won't blame you so long as you tried to do what you wished. As Shakespeare said, 'This above all—"
"—to thine own self be true," Dahlia finished the quote. "Not exactly something my father encourages."
"Then he should have sent you to a convent," Old Man Winter said cheerfully. "Though all things considered I suppose that would not have been much of a punishment so much as sending you to Heaven." She shot him a withering look. "Ah, there's that royal blood. Come my dear, you have much to see and of course while we require little beyond your entrance fees, I cannot speak for your father." He turned and walked away in a capering silly way.
With one last glance at everything she owned in the world, Dahlia followed with slightly more dignity.
Castle Joy was America's premier Fool School. It had been established in 1903 by Juggler, former fool to the King of California (which is much bigger than our version), descendant of the Governor from Spain who declared his State free of Spanish Rule when gold was discovered and who cemented his place by marrying a Native American princess. Coincidentally the school is located on the same site as a certain theme park and the grounds are roughly the same size though Castle Joy is better built to withstand accidents.
The castle was not that different from the one Dahlia had grown up in. Duke Edmund had always been a bit off put because his father had just been an Earl. His title of Duke was bestowed on him after an arranged marriage to Maria Le Fête, the seventh daughter of the current Duchess of New Orleans. Truthfully as the youngest daughter the title was all she had to offer, along with a small trust, but the chance to climb the social ladder was all Edmund cared about so it worked out. Meanwhile Maria got a castle in Eastern California and the money to hold as many parties as she wanted. Aside from the requisite siring of an heir Dahlia doubted that the two of them had seen each other in private since the moment she had been conceived. Both of them had insisted on having a castle and staff far bigger than someone of their status should have had and Dahlia suspected that her father might be involved in a few illegal activities to keep it all running. Especially since he was rarely there unless his wife was throwing another party. Honestly the staff he hired to work there lived in the castle and kept up appearances between his visits and they did their best to make the place as quiet and empty feeling as possible.
Castle Joy on the other hand had the same lived in feel that Dahlia was used to from her boarding schools. It was somewhat bigger, but even though they had not run into any other people yet she knew they were around somewhere. In the distance she could hear the sounds of murmuring. "Are there a lot of students here?"
"Moe than a thousand," Old Man Winter said. "We don't just license fools here. We also train clowns, comedians, musicians, animal trainers, performers, and the like." He looked at her and said. "Even when people get their license they don't always use them to become fools."
"They don't?"
"It's a free pass to go anywhere and do anything you want," he said. "There are a lot of ways that can be used, especially once you learn how to make people underestimate you. Corporate espionage. World travel. We've trained some of the finest knights in the world…" "Knights" being the term used for police in Fool's World instead of "cops" along with shields" and the ruder "horse's asses" that is used instead of how on our world they say "pigs". "I knew one man when I was a kid here that wore a big brown coat, smoked these smelly green cigars, and pretended to be absent minded always telling stories about relatives that may or may not even have existed. Always gathering evidence, asking one more question after another, until he had an air tight case… sometimes tricking confessions out of people."
Dahlia nodded, thinking it over. "To tell the truth I haven't had much to do with fools or clowns. I spent most of my life in boarding school and you can guess how many my father has let me meet. My mother just does whatever he says so long as he keeps her in comfort." There was a bitter edge to her voice.
Old Man Winter nodded and she had the feeling that he understood exactly what she meant. He pulled out an oversized pocket watch and checked it. "It is past lunch so until three everyone will be outside doing physical education classes if they aren't in the library studying. I think that would be the best place to take you to give you an idea of what your classmates will be like for this year."
"That's fine with me," she said.
"You know only a century ago the closest a woman could officially get to being a fool was as a belly dancer or some such. Now it's all about equality and you can be anything you want." They passed a few people in the halls. Some looked perfectly normal, but most had on costumes of one kind of another. Dahlia tried not to look like she was staring, though it was hard with the makeup and clashing colors. Colors that assaulted the eyes and drew attention like a magnet. Finally they reached the back doors and stepped out into the sun. After waiting inside it took her eyes a moment to adjust properly. When they did Dahlia froze, staring as a cross between a dream and a nightmare.
The scene before her looked like a circus without the tent. There were high wires and trapezes set up everywhere. People rode horses and were training with other exotic animals in cages or open arenas. Some juggled, others performed gymnastics and dances. What caught her eye though was that each person was different. There were dozens of clowns, each one with a different painted face. Other people wore masks. Still others looked as odd as Old Man Winter had in his disguise and she could not tell if they were real. Animal faces, disfigured people, bums, and some dressed in the latest fashions which clashed with their odd faces. One fool was playing a crank organ while a monkey in an identical costume to his danced.
"Are some of them real? Some of them look real."
"Yes," he told her. ""Mostly the Geeks."
She saw one boy with turquoise scales covering his skin and fangs peeking over his lips. "Why would anyone do that to themselves? I've seen people like this occasionally but never in a group like that." There were so many, all talking together as they did their different things, that it was like listening to the sea or one of her mother's parties.
"We can't all be Naturals," he said absently. "You were never taught what fools are for?"
She shrugged. "They make jokes. Insult people. Play pranks and entertain people."
"Partially. Those who do that alone are merely clowns, not fools."
"What's the difference?"
He turned and looked at her and the steel in his eyes that she suddenly saw in his eyes drew her own like a magnet. "A clown is an entertainer. All they have to do is be funny. A fool's purpose is a sacred duty. We stand outside and find new ways. We risk everything to disrupt the expected and force people to leave their comfort zones. In whatever way most makes an impression. A clown just works for others. A fool does what they will." He bent forward until his shiny red rubber nose was almost touching hers. "So tell me little girl, are you planning on being a clown or a fool? Do you have anything inside you other than daddy's little girl?"
"If I didn't," she said stiffly. "I would not have been sent here in the first place."
He smiled. "True. Still, here you are."
She shrugged. "My father employs very large men and keeps very tight control over the family finances. He also has enough pull to keep any of the people I might have gone to for help from being able to offer me any. He's not big on defiance. So when he offered me the choice between this place and the street, I thought the least I could do is buy time. Up to a year at least until his money runs out. Maybe less."
"Not willing to live without silk sheets?"
"Not if I can find a way around it." She smiled. "I don't see much point in taking being homeless as my first choice."
"You may regret that," Old Man Winter said, backing up. "You are signed up as one of the Naturals. It's expected of you to become the best of fools. This means that everyone else who has any aspirations of becoming a licensed fool, all the best students here, are your competition." He smirked nastily. "We have on average seven murders a year and another half dozen suicides among the students. Hundreds of injuries, many of them severe. That's more than some prisons. Of course they have guards who will actually stop such things. Here you're left to yourself." He watched her face. "You don't seem particularly worried for someone who came here to be safe."
"You haven't said anything I find particularly worrisome. Have you ever been to a boarding school for royalty?"
"I can't say that I have."
"Think about this for a second. You have a group of people who are always in each other's way. The king of some country dies with his family in an accident and everyone under them steps up. A wife and child get killed and he needs a new woman and heir. Kidnap those same people and you can extort money. Or sell them. Some people pay money to get into a royal bloodline. Every person I've ever gone to school with has required body guards and self defense training. And that is not even counting all of the other things I've been through to be a debutant and pass my other classes. My father and the nuns who ran my school had no problem beating a girl who did not do her best and I haven't had a serious beating in a long time."
"Obedience and caution will only get you so far in this place. Are you willing to take risks?"
Dahlia sighed and shook her head. "This is a test isn't it? You push until you see if I'm good enough?"
"No, we push until you quit or graduate." He smiled widely, showing his teeth. "Or break."
"Didn't you hear my father? I'm already broken. Wait here." She walked away from him, her face showing no emotion, her skirts fluttering in the breeze. She was a little surprised that he did not try to stop her. Her teachers before had always been a little on edge about risking the lives of a child of royalty. Old Man Winter only raised a curious brow.
Dahlia walked onto the grass and over to the cleared area, looking around. Some of the students glanced her way, but from the looks of things despite their painted grins they were taking their lessons seriously. As she approached the tall poles that led up to the high wire she had noticed earlier though, more of them started to take notice. A large man, bulky with muscles, stood near by. Older than the rest she had seen him giving instructions and assumed he must be a teacher. His face was painted red with black lines going over his right eye in a cross and a black diamond over the left. His lips were surrounded by a blue painted smile though the set of his squared jaw said he rarely smiled much in reality and he wore a yellow fool's cap that came to a point with a gold bell on the tip. His shirt was blue and he wore green suspenders to keep up his loose purple pants. His feet were bare and his bulky arms were pretty hairy.
She curtsied to him and said, "May I?"
"You sure you want to in that outfit? Maybe you should take off your shoes first."
Dahlia glanced up at the rope. It was thick, almost four inches. Dahlia was wearing a dark blue school girl's uniform, the skirt loose enough for her to walk without taking baby steps and while the white shirt and tie under her blue blazer were a little tight, it was not as if she were wearing a corset or a gown. Her shoes had three inch pointed heels on them. "I'll be fine."
The big man shrugged with a tinkle of his cap. "If you want. Try to hit the net on your way down. We've still got almost two hours of class left and people with broken necks and cracked spines tend to distract the other students. The screaming gets old fast."
She nodded. "Understood." Up above the last person to wobble their way across was reaching the far end. She started up the ladder. It was actually in several tiers like a diving board at ten foot intervals. Dahlia kept climbing until she hit the top, five stories above the ground. On the platform she took a look down. The net below looked a lot smaller from up there.
Taking a deep breath Dahlia focused on the distant platform across the rope and stepped forward. From the ground it looked impressive as hell. In pointy stilettos and without her face showing any emotion Dahlia walked along the rope like she was on a country road. Not even glancing down her feet found their place in front of each other with ease and half way across she did a forward cartwheel, her skirts and long brown hair flapping like flags in the air, then she turned and did one backwards. From below she heard applause.
Personally though as she turned again and continued her walk across the rope Dahlia was hardly impressed with herself. Since she had learned to walk she had been in gymnastics classes, dance classes, and anything else they could find to keep her occupied. Naturally she was expected to be the best at all of it and private boarding schools for the rich had never banned physical discipline. Some parents might have a problem with it. Dahlia's father was not one of them. His daughter was just another way to show how much better he was than everyone else. She learned early that if she wanted to avoid being on the receiving end of a caning, she needed to live up to that expectation. She could have done a lot of other more impressive things, but another lesson her life had taught her was to not set the bar too high too soon.
At the other end of the rope she got onto the ladder and slid down, her feet hitting the ground with the feather-like touch of a ballerina. The large red faced man was there and he gave her a brief nod. Dahlia suspected that this was better than most people got from him. "Impressive."
She held back a derisive snort and just nodded. Walking back to where Old Man Winter was waiting she heard the man behind her clap his hands for attention and go back to teaching his official students. When she reached him she asked. "Are you done with your games now?"
He laughed. "Lady, all we do here is play games." He tossed her a heavy leather pouch. She caught it and it jingled. "You do get bonus points for style though."
"What's this?"
"A little extra spending money. I overcharged your father by three times for your tuition. He did not even question it."
"Of course not," she said. "Nobody would dare."
"Only a fool," he said with a grin. "Keep it in good health. If you need to use it to pay for another year or two, spend it in town on your off time, or if things get too hard around here just quit and start a new life somewhere else." He smiled as she casually hefted the bag. "You know, the thing about pack animals like wolves, monkeys, lions, and humans is that they come in three flavors. The alphas, the betas, and the omegas. The alphas lead. The betas follow, at least until they can become alphas. The omegas…"
"Are alone," she finished for him. "Outcasts who leave one group and try to join another. Sometimes they fail and have to fend for themselves. Other times they join the pack and either take over, or they end up being subservient and often routinely attacked for a long time because the pack hates outsiders. I did go to school."
Nodding Old Man Winter said, "So why would they go through that? What purpose does it serve for them to risk so much only to be killed, beaten, or whatever?"
"It keeps the packs from getting stale. New infusions of DNA to keep them from inbreeding. Sometimes new tricks for getting food or finding a safe place to live. Maybe they learned why you don't mess with humans or fire and they teach it to the others."
"Correct. However, they are rarely thanked. Never asked. Often hurt. And when all is said and done quickly forgotten. Except sometimes if they did it well, their lessons are remembered and help those who come later to survive better than they otherwise would have. Not just because they sired a few offspring or protected the others so that they could live a little longer. Because they taught the others to be better. At least a little." He smirked. "Among us humans that means being a shaman or a fool. The good wise example that teaches and cares or the bad one who shows off and risks it all."
"That could apply to anyone."
"Yes. Everyone is a fool at times. It rarely ends well."
Dahlia shrugged and for the first time, she smiled. "What does?"
Old Man Winter laughed. "I knew I liked you. Come on, your things will have been taken to your room in the woman's tower for Naturals."
"You keep saying 'Naturals' like it means something. Care to clue me in?"
"You're a smart ass. I'm sure you'll figure it out."
Her room was actually quite nice. Old Man Winter said it was better than average because it was one of the Naturals' towers. Whatever that meant. It was better than any room she had ever been in at a school. It was more like her room at home. There was a television, radio, and computer. There were tapestries and books. The window was large and had a great view of the grounds. A grandfather clock ticked away in the corner and the princess style bed with silk sheets sat in the corner. There was even a walk-in closet next to a private bathroom and a small kitchen complete with refrigerator and stove.
Slightly more worrying were the thick bars on those windows and that the door had seven locks, including a large wooden bar that could only be put in place from the inside. He had given her a ring of a dozen keys because just to get into the tower had taken that many locks and more including a biometric security system that took a thumb print, retinal scan, and voice analysis followed by a scan of an RFID chip in a special school ID she was given. Her father's safe room and treasury were less complicated to get into. "The Naturals are always seen as a major threat by the other students who are after their license because of your advantages. Also you can't always trust the others in the dorm either, especially while you are asleep. You'll have a resident advisor who already has her license and a really well paying job here, so she won't actively be trying to kill you and may assign detention if she sees someone actively trying to hurt you or if you annoy her by being needy."
"Detention?" Dahlia did not like the way he said that. "Why do I get the feeling that we're not talking about chalkboards and study hall?"
He laughed. "Smart girl." With that he turned and walked out. 'Don't worry. Like I said, you have two weeks to acclimatize." The door shut behind him.
Dahlia considered her position. The tower was empty at the moment, the other residents out in their various classes. She could unpack, she supposed, but finally she decided to save that for later. After she was more certain whether she would take the money she had been given and run for it. Briefly she had examined the pouch and found it full of real gold. While checks and cards were popular enough on Fool's World paper money had never much taken off except for government transactions. Most countries still used solid money, coins and jewels, for anything but major transactions especially since each state and country had its own money which often changed with every new leader. She would not put counterfeiting past someone who worked at a fool's school.
Stuffing it into her luggage she instead lay down on the bed and picked up the orientation packet she had been given with her student ID. The first page had a schedule.
7AM-8AM Breakfast
8AM-11AM Indoor Classes
12PM-1PM Lunch
1PM-4PM P.E.
4PM-7PM Serious Time
7PM-8PM Dinner
8PM-7AM Bed Time
11PM-6AM Night Classes
The list of offered classes and their descriptions went on for several pages. No attendance was taken. Teachers taught whatever they were teaching to whoever turned up for the class. Assignments varied. There seemed to be no structure or even a grading system. Was there no way to tell how well you were doing?
No, she realized as she thought about what she had been told earlier. You knew how well you did. Your teachers and classmates would know. It was all about how you made other people react. If nothing else, by the quality of enemies and friends you made.
She considered that as she looked up "Serious Time". For three hours a day in the afternoon all jokes, pranks, hoaxes, lies, and games were forbidden. It was a time when all the students and staff could go about their business, do their dorm chores, or just relax. Dahlia was mildly unnerved to notice that none of the meal times were included. That probably explained the private kitchen. It was meant so that if anything happened to the food they served you could still get a safe meal in private. Above that was also a listing for "Rhyme Time", a random period where a bell would ring in the school tower and until it rang again everyone had to speak in rhyme. It could last minutes or days depending on the whims of the faculty.
Violations of the rules or even on a whim of a teacher would result in detention, which as it turned out meant time locked in a set of stocks for a few days and fed one pound servings of oatmeal for breakfast and dinner. The other students would be provided with paddles and rotten fruit to use as they saw fit. Friends could also, if they chose, protect someone in the stocks. It seemed medieval at first, but Dahlia saw the sense of it when she thought of the sort of punishments her father handed out to those who displeased him. Any fool who pushed a person far enough that they would violate the taboo against punishing them could expect far worse.
Also it was a good test of people skills. There was no listing in the schedule for free time between classes and other activities. If people were willing to sacrifice that time to punish or protect someone in the stocks, it would be a good measure of how good they were with people. If one did a good job of getting people to like them and making friends you might be okay even if given detention. Piss off too many people and you could expect Hell. Or if you liked that sort of thing… In any case most of the students were not actually after a license so friendships were possible. Unlikely, considering the singular nature of a fool's life, but possible. Dahlia had some experience making allies among those who might be against her for political reasons.
Smirking and feeling like she was right at home she read on. There were not too many solid rules. Just general guidelines. It seemed to her that the "teachers" just provided information and opportunities and watched to see how the kids did, leaving them to learn mostly from experience. Oh they would give tips and directions, even calling for help if someone was injured, but if you were looking for a safe stable learning environment you would do better in the penal system. A lot of the things described seemed to encourage competition between the students, often just for attention from the instructors.
Not least because when the time came to present their skills before the royals who could authorize their licenses the challenge was intense. Students might rip off one another's acts, or simply be so good that the following act might fall flat in comparison. Some royals, like her father, were notoriously hard to please if not impossible, and others easy. That was assuming that the person had the guts to try in the first place and if they failed three times they were barred from ever attempting it again. Some students spent years trying to be the perfect fool only to fail. Others went too far and were deemed too dangerous to be allowed a license.
No wonder eliminating the competition was a hallowed tradition among the students. A licensed fool was capable of nearly anything. Offers to work for huge fees as members of royal courts or companies, not to mention a host of other jobs, would pour in. If one was good enough doors opened and dreams came true.
Dahlia had always imagined that when she grew up she would be an ambassador until she inherited her father's position. She was a lower level noble after all, but the chance to travel and meet interesting people in interesting places had always appealed to her. Also to make a difference by arranging trade agreements and perhaps having the ear of a king or queen.
That had all gone down the drain when her father had caught her doing what she had been doing. Not that she was particularly ashamed of it and up until he had caught her at it had not thought he cared about that sort of thing either. It was not the middle-ages after all. Then there had been the screaming and the yelling and the very public humiliation of it all followed by her being restricted to her room for a month before being sent to Castle Joy. Her mother had tried to intervene at least, though as usual she crumbled before her husband's wrath rather than risk herself.
Dahlia's nails dug into the folder, teeth gritted at the unfairness of it all. Stripped of her title and with the added publicity of what had happened she could never expect to move in high society again. Even if her father restored her to her former position in life the scandal would follow her. Fortunately even in his rage her father had not dared let slip who else had been involved or what exactly his daughter had been doing. Perhaps that had been worse, because it meant the speculation ran wild and Dahlia herself could not simply tell anyone either for fear of dragging someone else down with her. She had her pride, honor, and friendships to consider even if officially they had been stripped from her. What else did she have left?
Trying to calm down she read on, finding a calendar listing a lot of activities. Weekends in the school were reserved for a variety of events and competitions meant to challenge the students. There were various field trips and charity events as well. Even some parties. There was a nearby town that students were allowed to visit as they saw fit.
It was starting to feel like a more relaxed version of her usual days until she got to the page on the requirements. All students, by the end of their two week trial, had to make their own "look" that would be copyrighted and registered. Something identity concealing, meant to allow a fool to hide incase of angry mobs who might not appreciate certain pranks. Just a foam rubber nose was not going to cut it. It had to be as original as possible unless you had a proven blood relation to a clown in the past, in which case you could use your ancestor's costume and even old routines. This was called a "Tradition". Dahlia noted the capital letter and how it reminded her of the way Old Man Winter had called her a Natural. Unfortunately that explanation was missing from the information.
In addition while there were classes on nearly everything, there were all kinds of rules about jokes, acts, music, props, art, and nearly everything else. Laws on what a person owned and could use for personal gain. A fool might be able to skirt criminal charges, but that also meant that anything a fool did to another was fair game and some grudges over stolen bits had led to more than one comedian literally dying on stage. Not that even threats of death and dismemberment stopped everyone. To prevent theft it was not unusual for people to keep their bits secret, but that also meant that if they were stolen there was no way to prove who owned what. Warnings were peppered through the papers of theft and spying. There were entire classes on creating original machines for fools to use and warnings that such things were coveted by less creative students. Even the teachers were not above suspicion.
For fools comedy was war.
"I'm in a den of funny looking spies," she muttered. Not that she was certain exactly what she could come up with that a fool might want to steal. She was good at many things, but humor was not one of them. Her father had not appreciated jokes at home and the nuns at school were almost as bad. Not without reason. A careless word or a badly told joke by a noble could have devastating consequences. Even in private they had to be careful lest someone was listening in.
She was only about half way through all the papers, including the waver her father was signed incase she got damaged, when she heard noises in the hallway outside. Her dorm mates had finally arrived from their classes. She checked the clock and saw that it was Serious Time, so she was probably safe to go out and meet them. There was the nagging doubt that alone in the tower such rules could be enforced, but then she remembered her two week promise of safety. "No time like the present then." Later she might find that staying safely locked in her room would be a good idea.
Placing the papers aside she got off her bed, straightened her clothes, and went out to meet the locals.