Just a regular guy

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It was dark, and hot in the room. My breath became heavier and I responded his kisses as good as I could. His fingers travelled down from my abdomen and stroked carefully my half-hard sex. I shut my eyes and prayed that my panic attack won't come this time, and that everything could be fine. That I could finally pleasure the one I loved.

But it happened again. My body rejected the soft and tender touch from him, and I pulled myself up from my lying position.

"I-I'm sorry…'Kura. I can't do this. I'm.." I tried desperatly to explain once again and even though it was dark I could see his disapointed face.

I did it again.

"It's okay, love. Just relax, okay? I won't do anything you don't approve. Don't worry, I'll wait." He stroked my back as to comfort me.

Yes, he could wait. But for how long?

I'm suffering from panic attacks during sex. I can't make love, can't screw around like wild bunnies. I can't pleasure the one I love…

I don't even know why. I just can't bring myself to let go of everything and just enjoy the moment. I feel disgusted when I'm looking at my own body. It's disgusting…It's filthy. I hate it.

So how could I let anyone else love it?

I think that something happened to me when I was little, so I'm traumatised now. I'm not sure, though. But how could you otherwise explain my reactions?

It's not that I don't trust 'Kura. I do. There's no one I trust more… It's just that…I can't. I'm afraid of being naked, being exposed. I feel so weak and fragile.

He kissed my forehead and lied down on the bed.

"Don't worry Ry'. I love you still…Good night." I smiled a weak smile and turned around to lie down myself.

When…? When will he give up on me and leave me by myself again? It won't be long until he gets tired of waiting.

I would be by myself again. In my lonely, and depressing world.

I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up. Alone. 'Kura was gone and he left a note.

"Out to buy some donuts, BRB." I read out loud. At the end of the corner it was written: Forever your 'Kura. Just like always.

I couldn't resist but to laugh. A weak, and angsty laugh.

Nothing will last forever around me, someday…'Kura will leave me too.

When he came back, we ate breakfast in peace. I was staring at the ring on my left hand, 'our love rings', he called it. It felt more like a bond between us. I liked the thought that we were bound to each other. I don't worry so much when I'm looking at it.

It was a silver platinum ring, plain and simple. It took a really long time to find a ring whom fits my thin finger.

"Ryou…I was thinking..uhm…I don't know how to say this.." Bakura started and mumble. I turned my attention towards him and nodded to make him go on.

"You know…I really love you. You're really special, I've never felt like this before. You know all that. It's just…I can't stand the fact that you refuse to have sex with me. I mean…it's a part of my life. And I…It's hard for me to be without it…"

My heart freezed. I knew that the time has come.

"Ye-Yes…Go on." I replied and my fingers couldn't stop shaking.

"I'm really happy with you, and there's really nothing more I could wish from any lover…but…I just don't want to..I mean, you would be mad if I got myself a fuck buddy…"

There, he said it.

"No I wouldn't…I mean, it's my fault that I can't pleasure you as I should…so it's only normal for you to get yourself a fu-fuck buddy. I don't mind…really."

LIE! It's all a fucking lie! I would die if you made love with someone else 'Kura!

I would die!

"Oh." His face almost shone up, then he changed it quickly with a guilty expression. "I mean…so..uh, you wouldn't mind if I got myself a fuck buddy? Seriously?"

His face were just like a child's…so cute. I loved that face…But his anwser hit me right in the heart. He could have stabbed me with a knife and it would hurt less.

"… …" I nodded in reply.

He smiled and continued to eat his breakfast in peace. He blabbered on about how much he loved me, and how he knew 'I would understand'.

But my heart was already in tiny, tiny pieces…Like a puzzle, impossible to solve though.

"…Ahn..Sometimes I wish that I wouldn't be thinking so much about you. It makes it almost painful to do something like that." He half-joked.

But that sentence hit me dead on.

"It it's so fucking painful…then why don't you just dump me?? I knew this would happen! In the end…everyone just keep on leaving me. But you know what…"I pulled out the ring from my finger and throwed it on the table. "I don't need you to pity me!"

I stood up and ran as fast as I could out from this house. In my way out I mumbled:

"Farewell…'Kura."

I slammed the door and there. It was the end…

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