The Ganbaruger Attacks

by IldefonsoMackramick

A leader of a terrorist organization plans to rule the world , but was foiled accidentaly by 4 novices. He was sentenced to 15 years. As time flies by, he was freed and wants revenge. The novices are now 2ndjobbers, and it's up to them to save RuneMidgard

The Ganbaruger Attacks

Chapter 1: Attempt one

It's a bright, shiny day over Rune-Midgard, but it's dark and stormy at C5. Nothing new has been happening. People are busy doing their jobs, a few conscripts are killing monsters for loot, and everyone is busy doing at least something, even the kids.

Meanwhile in Umbala, a secret terrorist organization is planning to steal the legendary Balmung dagger that's hidden deep in Prontera Castle. There, a weird-looking man in a trench coat holding a Waghnak is making the plan for world domination.

"Damn that new queen, Nissan Fairlady! She does nothing but sit around there! We Umbalanese people are suffering poverty already! I want this dump to grow into a big city like Geffen or Payon at least, but she or her lousy posse does nothing, nothing, nothing!" The weird-looking man said.

Then a handsome-looking guy carrying a pair of Jamadhars came into the room.

"Sir Fillet of Beef with Foie Gras and Truffles, I have come to report you about what's going on in Prontera!" The guy said.

"Ah yes, Mr. Tagliarini with Artichokes and Shrimps. I'm glad to hear that your mission was successful. Now, tell me everything what happened."

"Yes sir. Ok, I bought a 'castle pass' to enter the Prontera Castle and it's so dang expensive- around 2,500 miszeny. I looked around the castle and examined everything from top to bottom for any security devices. I even saw the queen wearing a bra and panties walking down the stairs as if she was a beauty queen. But damn she's so hairy and ugly! About the security, there are lots and lots of keen guards there, especially the high-wizard that roams all over the castle. Lord-Knights and other conscripts are ubiquitous as well, particularly in the backyard where the weekly guild siege event happens. Security is on top alert, sir."

"Really? Well, that's easy to remedy. Since our entire terrorist group got fucked up after a nasty, smoke-belching Mitsubishi Pajero in the C5 realm just rushed by us, we'll just call in backup."

"What backup sir?"

"The KFCST. Now, I want you to call their leader, Mr. Spicy Oven Fried Chicken, and bring him here."

"Yes, sir!"

Meanwhile in Geffen, there is a party of novices that is busy hunting monsters for items. These 4 guys are quite famous in Geffen, and they're known to be the most hard-working novices ever. One of them, despite the young age of 13, manages to win the Gastronomic Gourmet Battle and the Iron Chef cooking contests. Now they're in west of Geffen, very close to the Kordt Forest where man's best friend (or should I say enemy) lives.

"Hey Dextro! Dextro! I've got something here!" A young girl novice said while calling a younger, but much taller novice.

"What is it Gastro?"

"I finally found the herb that I need to cook my famous Fillet of Beef with Foie Gras and Truffles!"

"Your what!"

"Fillet of Beef with Foie Gras and Truffles! It's a very expensive but very delicious recipe! I'm sure I will win Geffen's Corleone-Cologne cooking competition with this recipe! A plate of this costs about 25,000 miszeny!"

"Why can't you cook a Carbonara instead?"

"Stupid! I need CDO Bacon Rasher if I want to cook a Carbonara dish, and it's located very far away from here, all the way to the outside universe of C5, where the deadly and dangerous place called Toyota Motors Philippines Incorporated Balintawak Branch is!"

"What the? You don't need to go that far all the way to C5 just to get a Bacon Rasher! Just go to Jotunheim! Those moronic giants have lots of bacon rasher!"

"But Dextro, Jotunheim has low-quality Swift Bacon Rasher! CDO is much better, but I can't go all the way to Toyota Motors Philippines Incorporated Balintawak Branch is! It's too dangerous!"

"Ok... So, anything else left to find for your Fillet of Foie… what is that recipe again?"

"Fillet of Beef with Foie Gras and Truffles"

"Oh yeah! Fillet of Foie Gras with Truffles and Beef!"

"Geez Dextro, you're such a dumbass!"

"Well, fuck you, bitch!"

"Fuck you too!"

Then another novice arrived, carrying Yggdrasil Seeds and an Yggdrasil Berry.

"Here you are Gastro, 10 pounds of Yggdrasil Seeds and 1 Yggdrasil Berry."

"Oh thanks, Humtule! By the way, where is CanWest?"

"He's inside, selling more stuff for our funding."

"Ok. Now since all the ingredients are in place, let's register for the cooking contest! I hope no one there cooks a Carbonara dish!"

The 3 novices then went back to Geffen and signed in for the Corleone Cologne cooking competition. Along the way, they met CanWest, a member of the party who is from Payon.

"Oh Gastro, Humtule, Dextro! Back so early?" CanWest said.

"Yes, and we've got all the ingredients." Humtule said.

"You're just in time. I just sold all the goods, and then I met some sort of weird-looking man in a trench coat whose name is 'Fillet of Beef with Foie Gras and Truffles'. He gave me 5 packs of CDO bacon rasher for free then just went off. He even smells like diesel smoke or something! I even wonder what this is for."

After Gastro heard that CanWest got the much needed ingredient to cook the Carbonara, she was very surprised. She said happily:

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! I knew that someday I could get hands of the legendary ingredient CDO Bacon Rasher! Now I can cook my Carbonara! You guys, sign me in! I'll just ask one of those Kafra sluts to give me my ingredients! Go!"

The 3 guys signed Gastro in, while she gets the rest of the ingredients for her Carbonara dish.

As Gastroenteritis (that's her full name) is going a Kafra Girl to get her items, Fillet of Beef with Foie Gras and Truffles, together with Tagliarini with Artichokes and Shrimps, Spicy Oven Fried Chicken and the KFCST terrorist group, heads for Prontera. Along the way, they killed a huge number of monsters for items, since some of them (especially the healing items) are quite useful in case of a fight. As they made it to the west Prontera Field, where the entrance of the Prontera Sewage is located, Fillet of Beef of Foie Gras and Truffles devised a plan (at this late time!) to steal the Balmung Sword.

"Mr. Spicy Oven Fried Chicken"

"Please, call me Fried Chicken"

"Mr. Fried Chicken, I want you to split your massive terrorist battalion into 3 groups. The 1st one will enter there, through the west gate. The 2nd one will have to enter through the southern gate, the 3rd one through the eastern gate, and the 4th one through the north gate. By the way, to enter the North Gate, you need some sort of 'castle pass' to enter, and it costs around 5,000 miszeny per person, 5,000,000,000 miszeny per crack-whore, homosexual, bisexual, polysexual, asexual, or hermaphrodite."

"Too bad, Mr. Artichoke Crepes with Langoustines. I think you should join the group that'll enter west gate. You're a polysexual, you know."

Artichoke Crepes with Langoustines reluctantly accepts.

"Yes sir." He said. He then thought to himself- "Nissan Fairlady! Oh one day, I wish I could kill you, you racist nigga-bitch!"

Artichoke Crepes with Langoustines is a polysexual, which means he's a man, woman, gay, and lesbian in one. He joined in the group that usually makes fun of him for being a polysexual, the one that'll enter west gate. As he joined in, the gang 1st snickered, yhen suddenly burst into maniacal laughter.

"Now that solves the money problem. Imagine paying that much for someone to enter! Damn that queen Nissan Fairlady is such a nigga-bitch racist!" Fried Chicken said, and Fillet of Beef of Foie Gras and Truffles joined in.

"Yeah! You the heck does she think she is? King of the world? Damn I hate that no-good racist nigga-bitch!" Bitch.

Soon, the one single group split into 4, and they make it look like it's just a huge party. They successfully 'infiltrated' Prontera, and they met in the center of the city. Fillet of Beef with Foie Gras and Truffles, Tagliarini with Artichokes and Shrimps and Spicy Oven Fried Chicken followed afterwards. And there, Fillet of Beef with Foie Gras and Truffles made up another plan (again at this late time!).

"Now that we're in Prontera, let's wait for the Corleone-Cologne cooking contest starts at night. Me, Tagliarini and the west gate group will come with me and infiltrate the castle. Tagliarini will try to 'ass-ass-i-nate' the guards, while you, the west gate group, come with me and act like you're a member of the war of emperium, ok? As Tagliarini gave the orders that all guards have been successfully assassinated, that's where we'll come in. Afterwards, search the castle, BUT make sure that you're acting like tourists, or that nigga-bitch queen and her posse might notice that we're actually searching for something." He said, and the team replied "Yes sir!"

He then made orders for Spicy Oven Fried Chicken.

"Now you and the rest of the group, after the cooking contest, I want all of your well-trained Ass-ass-in crosses and stalkers to steal every item of all the guards then ass-ass-i-nate them afterwards. Then, you and your best man will try to grab Geffen governor JR Asis Corleonecolognethatissofragrantthatyouwillgetanasthmaattack's Wizardry Staff and Grand Circlet. After that, run as fast as you can stealthily to the nearest Kafra or Priest, and ask them to warp you back to Umbala. In case some of you are left out, do this. Run as fast as you can stealthily and not suspiciously away from the scene, and run towards Umbala, or find any means to get to Umbala as quickly as possible. Oh, by the way, when you see a lost kid named Stan Marsh, ignore him and leave him alone, or else, suffer the consequences. Got that?" They replied "Yes sir!"

"Good. Now, all we have to do is wait for the Corleone-Cologne cooking festival to start."
Then he said to himself: "This is going to be really good! You've done it this time, Mr. Fillet of Beef with Foie Gras, you no-good dumbass!"

After Gastroenteritis got her ingredients, she went back to the fountain where the registrar of the Corleone-Cologne cooking contest is, and found that the 3 are done signing in the contest.

"Ok Gastro, we've signed you in to the contest."

"Oh thanks, Humtule, you're the best! Where is it going to be held anyway?"

"Prontera. It's gonna start at around seven o-clock in the evening."

"What are you waiting for? Let's go! It's getting dark already!"

"Hey, you're right! I never noticed that in my journey to Alberta and back! Let's hurry up!"

The group nodded and said "mmm." Then they rushed to Prontera and ran as fast as they can. They went outside Geffen to the east, then head all the way to the southeast end of the field that now belongs to Prontera. CanWest however, stayed in that area for a while to kill some monsters for items to sell to fund the group just in case, then followed on. Soon, they reached Prontera and entered through the west gate, but the cooking contest is nowhere in sight, so they asked directions to where the Corleone-Cologne cooking contest is.

"Excuse me, sir. Where's the Corleone-Cologne cooking contest?" Humtule asked a tall Knight.

"Go straight to the center statue of Prontera, and then turn left." The Knight said.

"Thanks! Now guys, let's hurry! The sun is nearly gone! It's about to be 7!"

The 3 ran as fast as they can, while right behind them is CanWest with some cash and loot. He also followed the group, which in his vision, is running straight towards the center statue. He followed them all the way to the cooking contest.

As 3 of the 4 members reached the Corleone-Cologne cooking festival, they're stopped by a tall Champion.

"Halt! In order to enter the festival, you should give me your registration form and 5,000 miszeny." He said.

Then there was trouble. They have the registration form, but not the cash. They sighed in disbelief, until CanWest arrived.

"You guys! You guys, seriously!" He said, really exhausted of running such a long distance. The others then are really relieved.

"Hey CanWest, what took you so long, and why are you acting like Eric Cartman?"

"Seriously, Humtule, I have to run such a long distance because you guys forgot the loot I earned!"

"Really? How much is that loot?"

"It's around 16,000 miszeny."

"Well, give me 5,000 of them! We need it to enter, quickly!"

CanWest then got 5,000 miszeny and gave it to Humtule. He then paid to the guard and gave the registration form. He observed and carefully analyzed everything.

"Hmm… What do we have here…"

The form looks kinda like this:
Name: Gastroenteritis

City: Juno

Race: Whitey, Caucasoid

Occupation: Novice

Base Level: 11

Job Level: 9

Status: Upper middle class

Age: 13

Sex: Female

Height: 5 foot 11

Dish to prepare: Carbonara

History of diseases: Gastroenteritis

Previous cooking contest wins: Gastronomic Gourmet Battle, Iron Chef Competition

Please present this form and 5,000 miszeny to a Champion named Oliver Twist.

"Ok, you can pass. By the way, good luck out there! This is one of the toughest cooking contests out there!" The Champion said.

"Thanks, Oliver Twist!" Gastro said.

"How the hell did she know my name?" Oliver Twist said a little bit perplexed.

They're just in time, because the cooking festival just started. Then, the announcer (he's a he) of the cooking contest began to do its part.

"Welcome to the critically-acclaimed Corleone-Cologne cooking contest! Here, our top-notch chefs meet in this battle to see who has the most delicious food, and will be judged by the biggest motherfucker in all of Midgard, GMPraetor, all the way from the National Capital Region, Philippines! The contest will be hosted by yours truly from Geffen, your announcer, Sandara Park Isanoggodbitchwholikestorapemenandcarengines, who happens to be me! Here are the rules. Now to you, GMPraetor."

"Here are the rules. There will be 6 contestants. You'll go head to head with another chef. The one with the better dish advances to the next round. Here are the points distribution. There will be a total of 100 points. 60 points will come from taste, 25 points will come from style, 5 points will come from time, and 10 points will come from originality, and I'll judge them all! Prizes are: if you lose at the 2 preliminary rounds, you'll get 1,000 miszeny. If you won each preliminary round, your prize will be around 2,500 miszeny per win. If you lost at the semi-finals, you'll be rewarded with 7,500 miszeny. If you won, you'll win 13,750 miszeny. If you lost the finals, you'll win 87,500 miszeny. If you won, you'll win the prize of 250,000 miszeny. And if you get at least 90 points in score when you WIN the finals, you'll get 1,500,000 miszeny, plus a free jellopy! Are you ready, guys!"

"Yes, you stupid motherfucker!"

"Ok, and 3… 2… 1… COOK!"

The announcer then focuses on Gastroenteritis, who is battling the Lutish (from Lutie) chef, who won the Aldebaran LeBouef Cooking Contest, Koran.

"It looks like these 2 chefs are having a really tough battle! A novice versus a biochemist is very unusual in contests like this, but let's continue anyway. Gastroenteritis is busy sprinkling crushed Yggdrasil Seeds, some paprika, and a zest of thyme. Koran meanwhile is sprinkling some Saffron, and you can smell that sweet, delicious scent coming from his dish. This is going to be very tough, as the talented Gastroenteritis, who won the Gastronomic Gourmet Battle and the Iron Chef Cooking Competition 3 and 9 months ago respectively, looks like is making… yes, she's making a her version of a Fillet of Beef with Foie Gras and Truffles. Meanwhile, let's check on Koran's side. Ok… a sprinkle of Saffron seasoning over here… a bit of Arugula over there… some Penne… Mozzarella… his wilting the Arugula… yes, he appears to be making the famous Penne with Wilted Arugula and Smoked Mozzarella! Time is ticking… it's been 30 minutes already, and Koran is done with his Penne with Wilted Arugula and Smoked Mozzarella. Let's see what GMPraetor has to say. Over to you, Praetor."

"Yes, Sandara Park. The first person to finish is Koran. Ok, let's test his special 'Penne with Wilted Arugula and Smoked Mozzarella… … … ok. I've just finished the meal. Overall, the taste is better than most Penne with Wilted Arugula and Smoked Mozzarellas, and it's also presented in a rather nice way. I give 44 to the food, 23 for the style, 5 for time, and 5 for originality, giving him a total of… 77 points out of a hundred. Back to you, Sandara."

"It seems like Gastroenteritis is done. Also, the stalker chef Mary Poppins from Louyang, who cooked her famous Spicy Oven Fried Chicken, is done as well. Let's see what Praetor has to say."

"Ok, I'll test your fried chicken 1st, Mary Poppins. Hmm… … … … wow… … this is so delicious… … … yeah baby… … get it in there… … … ooooh yeah. Mary Poppins, that's the best Spicy Oven Fried Chicken I've ever tasted! I'll give 58 for taste, 24 for style, 4 for time, and 0 for originality. Giving you a total of… 86 points. Now it's your turn, Gastro. Let's see how delicious your award winning Fillet of Beef of Foie Gras and Truffles taste like. … … … … uh-huh… … … … … mmm… … … man… … … I really want to have sex. This dish is so fucking good! You're such a talented 13-year old babe! When did you learn how to cook this good? I'll give 55 for taste, 25 for style, 4 for time, and 9 for originality. Giving you a total of… 93 points!"

"Other chefs are beginning to present their dishes to the really strict GMPraetor. Chef Bible, and Joel from Lutie and Chef a whore that is crack from Morocc is done. Praetor."

"Chef Bible, it's time for them moment of truth. Let's test your Beef Daube. … … … wow. This tastes good… … … holy shit… … this is so damn good… … ok. I'm done. Your food was great, but it kind of lacks in style, so you got 60 for taste, 19 for style, 2 for time, and 6 for originality, and that's a total of… 87 points. Chef Joel, now let's taste your so-called 'Normally-Aspirated' Carbonara. … … … mm-hmm… … … uh-huh… … I'm done. The texture of your Carbonara is good, the taste is not as bad as the other Carbonara I've tried, particularly those who uses the Swift Sweet Bacon Rasher found on Jotunheim. The score you have is 54 for taste, 24 for style, 3 for time, and 10 for originality- giving you a total of 91 points. Now, whore that is a crack, let's test your so-called 'Steamed Mussels'. … … blegh! This is awful! I'll give you a score of 9 for taste, 25 for style, 4 for time, and 0 for originality, and that's worth only 38 points! Geez, when will the people of Morocc learn how to cook! Now, the 3 persons with the highest score will advance to the semi-finals. And the ones that'll advance are: Gastroenteritis, Joel, and Bible. You guys are facing each other in a triple-threat cookout. Now, plan your strategies well, as I'll give you only 30 minutes of break time."

Meanwhile, Fillet of Beef with Foie Gras and Truffles (FOBWFGT), Tagliarini with Artichokes and Shrimps (TWAAS), and Spicy Oven Fried Chicken (SOFC) and his crew execute the plan. FOBWFGT, TWAAS and the west gate group now prepare themselves to infiltrate the castle. Slowly, they sneaked past the huge crowd watching the cooking contest. FOBWFGAT went first. He jumped over the bridge, and hangs on and makes his way to the other side, while TWAAS makes 5 deadly poisons, and offers them to all the guards, and they were instantly killed. Next, he led the west gate group inside, where FOBWFGT is waiting.