Rapture: a review by The hotel inspector

by WhatCaMaHoZit

The hotel inspector visits the underwater city of Rapture, and spends a night in the Olympus Suite. Find out what he thought of his experience.

The Hotel Inspector

Olympus Suites, Rapture

Getting to Rapture can at best be described as 'inconvenient'. The city, built six miles beneath the Atlantic ocean, can only be accessed from a Lighthouse, which is a five hour boat trip from the coast of Iceland. Although, if you're willing to spend a little extra, planes can chartered that routinely crash just near the entrance. Then its just a short, freezing swim to the city.

Inside, the atmosphere is instantly dreary. It's dark, cold and unwelcoming, and there's no reception desk to speak of-just a bathysphere, which plunges visitors into the depths of the city. When I finally get inside, I find the majority of the staff sleeping on the job; face down in the numerous puddles that dot the peeling linoleum. And they smell, too- when was the last time they bathed? No amount of prodding will wake them up, so I continue to my suite on my own. Abysmal service.

Roaming the corridors looking for the Olympus Suites- the apartment complex were I will be staying- I catch a glimpse of a member of staff in the distance. They appear to be drunk; making wretched screaming noises and waving a stick around. I shout for him, but he ignores me and scampers off into the distance. He appears to be searching for someone named Adam. Perhaps the hotel manager? How uncouth.

I locate my suite, and the décor leaves a lot to be desired. The carpet is absolutely sodden with water, and speckled with strange stains. The bedding is also soaking wet, and a leak has sprung by the headboard. I telephone room service, but when I ask for a club sandwich and a coke, the operator, Ryan, starts talking about free will. I decide to explore the city.

Unfortunately, most of the bars and entertainment seem to be closed or abandoned. Fighting McDonagh's Tavern, Arcadia, the Fleet Hall- all empty, springing yet more leaks. The smell of salt water is thick in the air. I return to my suite, reminding myself to complain to Adam if I get the chance tomorrow morning.

A truly abysmal night's sleep. The leak, the wet linen, the constant sound of weeping and screeching...not conductive to a deep slumber, all told. This is truly the worst hotel experience of my career. As I leave, I see the staff where they were the day before: fast asleep, face down in the water. I thank them sarcastically and leave.

Overall score

Location: 1/5

Comfort: 1/5

Cost: 1/5

Staff: 1/5

Overall: 1/5