I think I overstressed this idea… ah well… third story posted today! Woo-hoo! And I amazingly still have a reserve left… a very large reserve… I guess this is kinda hurt/(self)comfort… so that's what it's being posted as… though if anyone thinks this fits better under something else, lemme know.
It almost hurts and it makes him want to cry, but that isn't what he does, because he can't. He can't recall the last time he let tears roll down his face so he's not quite sure if they ever have. But he can remember the last time this prickling feeling occurred behind his eyes, though he doesn't remember the first. Everything's just so vague. He's never been allowed to cry, never been allowed to feel, yet now all his rules have been falling apart.
Meeting everyone around him and watching them change and fade away had stirred something up; they should've just been another group of meaningless fighters, drifting in the current of Time's river. They should've been just another group of people fighting for a cause that, deep down, even they know they can't win. They should've simply been a handful of scientists, generals, and religious martyrs. Just a blind man, a man a little too young and still yearning for a life in childish sport, two cursed boys with burdens they hide behind masks, a vampire, a 'worthless' woman, a small boy with a face marred by a gem, and a girl. Just a girl, he tries to force himself to think, but he never convinced himself and deep down he doesn't think he ever will.
They should've simply been another group of unfortunate humans, held back by emotions and he should've stayed above all that. They never should've gained names, never should've gained pasts, and never should've gained personalities beyond words remembered to record history. They never should've gained trust or sympathy or friendship or love, never should've awakened a heart that wasn't supposed to exist.
When they cried, he never should've reached out to comfort. When they laughed, he should've repressed the wide grin and the responding chuckle that rose from his throat. When they cursed in anger, he never should've tried to distract them. When they died or fell into darkness, he never should've felt that tug at his chest and the desire to reach out, scream their names, cry, beg for them to stay, and collapse. He should've just stood by and watched like he was supposed to.
What was it in them that changed him? What was it in him exactly that could have changed? What was it that caused his superior to turn a rueful, blind eye and let him feel? What was it that was different from the many times before?
They are nothing special. The circumstances are nothing different. Thousands of others have had the same desperation. Thousands of others had died in vain. Thousands of others had fought with all they had for a cause they did not believe they would win simply because they needed something, anything, to fight for just so they wouldn't fall apart.
Perhaps the change is all in him and that is why it hurts. But maybe it's time to change. He is human after all. He has locked away his heart for too long. He has remained indifferent far too many years. He has stood back since the beginning. So maybe he should start acting like the human he is and let himself fall prey to emotion. Maybe he should become human and revel in the joy and sadness, pleasure and pain, peace and war, gain and loss. He has not truly lived and now he has the chance. Perhaps he should take it. Take it and become the human he truly is.