Hey there, guys. I'm back again, this time with Cartman's version of my first story, "Don't Touch Me." For those of you returning, you can treat this as a sequel, or just a new story completely. And for those who are new to my little series here, it doesn't really matter which one you read first. Both stories do and will have their own loose ends as the story progresses, and those loose ends are mended through the other story. Also, the loose ends that aren't tied up by either story will be included in a separate collection of stories that I'll be posting sometime in the future.

So, with that said, let's go ahead and jump right into this! Without further delay, I present you "Respect My Authority." Enjoy!

My life sucks balls. Major balls. Balls so big that you would need, like, elastic for skin just to fit them in your mouth. I'm seriously. I know that living in a small mountain town of only a few hundred people is totally lame, but it's so much worse than that. So much fucking worse. There's nothing but idiots here, and just when I think I've earned a moment's peace away from them, another walks up and starts spewing shit at me. And when they walk away, either satisfied with their meeting with me or because I managed to piss them off somehow, I can't help but ask myself why in the hell I'm still here.

I should have left this goddamned place when I had the chance. I've had plenty of chances, too. Plenty.

What's even worse is that I have my own problems to deal with, on top of dealing with idiots every five seconds of my fucking life. It's the same fucking thing every night. Things that have sat in the back of my mind throughout the day surface as soon as I settle down for bed after I've barked orders at my mom, demanding her to get me a glass of milk and some cookies before I go to sleep.

Though, I suppose I shouldn't be so hard on her. Instead, I should be glad on those few nights that she's actually home, and showing me that she does still care. Because most nights, she's out on the streets, either smoking crack or banging some guy she doesn't even know. I hate to admit it because this isn't exactly my style, but she is my mom, and that means I do worry for her safety even though I don't show it. Her being out on the streets late at night while everyone else's mother is in their own stable home... God, it pisses me off so fucking much.

Stupid crack whore bitch... does she not understand that she's still legally responsible for me? Even when I do turn eighteen, she'll still have to be there to give me stuff. It's not like I have any money of my own to live on. I could get a job... or better yet, take some from someone who has too much, and could bother giving some to someone in need. Like Token... That's not a bad idea, actually.

Anyway, things aren't all that bad, I guess. Like I said, I'll be eighteen in a few months. Moving back more towards what I really feel, I have to say that I can't fucking wait for that to happen. Seriously. When February rolls around, I'll be an adult, and a few months after that... God... a few months after that is the gold. The treasure. My one way ticket out of the crap-filled town and on to a bigger, better, and fresh, new life.

Graduation.

Yes. It's all finally coming to an end. As soon as I walk that stage and get my diploma, I swear, I fucking swear that I'm out of here. That same day, that same hour even. Nothing or no one is going to hold me back; not my own mother, not my friends (if that's what you want to call them); no one. Saying 'bye' to everyone is just so fucking... gay. There's another problem that I don't want to get into. Anyway, the after party could be interesting, depending on who's throwing it. If there's booze there, I'm totally in. Chances are, though, it'll be thrown by that pussy Stan. Star quarterback or not, that hippie is too fucking chicken to have anything besides Kool-Aid at his parties. God, I swear, everyone in this town is so fucking retarded. Especially one person in particular. He and everyone else may think he's a fucking genius, but he's really not. At all.

Kyle Broflovski.

The fact that he's a Jew makes it even worse, considering what all Jews really are. Lying, greedy, sneaky people. Nothing good about them at all. Kyle sure proves it, too. For no reason at all, he has something against me. It may have helped that I've done some things to him in the past, but that was only in my defense.

Seriously, everyday is a new trick for him to try out on me. That means I always have to stay on my toes to catch what he throws out at me next, and shoot it straight back at him. He claims that it's the other way around, but it's totally not. This douchebag is always out to get me, and he knows it. He knows it well. We both do.

His latest trick is just another one of the problems that I have to deal with, both day and night, and is probably the biggest of them all. It's his last resort to push me over the edge towards insanity, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's working pretty damned well. I'll actually have to give him a little credit on creativity. And skill. And... the fact that he's Jewish because really, that's the only way he's able to do this to me.

Jew magic is one of the last things that I wanted to deal with in my life. It's way worse than dealing with, say, a drum circle of dirty, stinking hippies, or standing in line at an airport for seven hours. Way worse than that. That's why I have to stop it before it gets worse than it already is. He's already got me thinking that I'm possibly gay, which I'm totally not; I have to stop him before he makes it any worse. That's why I have to figure him out now. Why I have to expose his secret, figure out how he does it. He thinks his little hexes and spells are still in the dark, but I know. I'm smarter than that, and I know he has to have some secret notebook or something that he keeps his little formulas in, and when I get that, I can put an end to his little shenanigans and get on with my life. Maybe I'll even cast a few of those spells on him, just for payback.

So, that's why, with this plan in mind, I'm going out tonight on my own little adventure. I've done a lot of planning and thinking, and have finally come up with a plan that's sure to work. If I can just videotape that asshole in the midst of his charming, I'll have enough evidence to turn him in to the authorities. The cops will see the evidence, finally realize the sneak that Jew really is, and put him in his place. Not only will I finally be free of his lies, but I'll have finally won. The years of rivalry and fighting all caused by his out of line outbursts and outright jealousy will be put to an end. I'll be at peace to do whatever I want without him getting in my way. Now that's something to look forward to.

Checking my camera a few more times, double and triple checking to make sure I have everything I need, I walk out of my room, closing the door absentmindedly. There's no telling what time it is because the clock in the family room is broken, and mom's too busy being a whore to buy a new one. Not that it's a big deal. I know it's late enough for Jew boy's parents to be asleep and him to be up practicing his spells without the risk of being caught, and that's all that matters. Not to mention I have the advantage of it being totally dark, so there's no way anyone can catch me while I'm exposing his little secret.

I take my time making my way over to his house. It's quite a nice night, I notice, except for the fact that it's colder than my fucking freezer (I would know, I've been in it before), and since Kyle's house is only a few minutes away from mine, I decide that I can at least enjoy the walk over there. God knows I'll be too busy enjoying videotaping him when I'm actually at his house. Not in a gay way or anything, but in the way that I'll finally have him under my control, and there's absolutely nothing he can do about it.

I can't say what I'm looking forward to more: seeing him cry or getting the chance to finally taste his tears. Both sound so super awesome right now. I'll have a hard time picking which I'm going to do once that time comes.

As expected, I'm at his house in a matter of minutes. Since I have all the experience in the world of sneaking into and around homes, especially Kyle's, it doesn't take me but a minute or so to find the ladder that's always laying on the ground by the side of the house (courtesy of myself). I prop it up nicely against the side of the house, making sure to get the angle exactly right. There's a careful art to doing this, and if I manage to screw up now, it's over. I've got one shot at this, and I have to make absolute sure that it goes right.

When the ladder's in its place and I'm sure that the camera's on and set on 'record,' I start to make my way up the side of the house. Each step on the ladder is tentative as I keep a sharp eye on the window above my head. It's opened for some reason, so I have to make extra sure that I don't make any noise at all. Of course, I've positioned the ladder on the side that Kyle's least likely to see me, but that doesn't mean that he's not peeking out the window every five seconds to make sure no one is watching him. It wouldn't surprise me if he is, considering what he's probably doing in there.

...He could be doing a lot of things actually. Like...

I immediately punch myself in the head at that, trying to shake those certain thoughts from my mind. Not a good sign. That means the Jew magic is getting stronger on me with each passing second. I have less time to do this than I thought.

Finally reaching the top, I peek inside the window and feel a smile grow on my face. Just as I had imagined, Kyle's sitting there on his bed writing in a spiral notebook. So fucking predictable. He's so predictable sometimes that it bores me to tears. But I can't let that distract me now. This is important. Recording Jew writing Jew magic spells in five, four, three, two...

But wait. There's... something off about this. As I watch him write, I notice that I can not only see what he's writing, but that it has nothing to do with magic or spells or hexes.

I'm gay. Homosexual. I like guys. Not girls. Guys. Well, more like one guy in particular.

...What the...? The fuck?

I think about this for a few seconds, still holding the camera up and recording him until I finally realize what exactly he's doing here. I slap a hand to my forehead as I lower the camera with a soft, irritated sigh, cursing myself for not thinking about this before. I'm such an idiot for not thinking that this Jew would already be one step ahead of me.

"Oh, that's real cute, Kahl." I mouth mockingly, glaring at him through the open window as I lean against the ladder. "Real cute."

Seriously, he thinks he can justify cursing me by claiming that he feels the same way about me as he's making me feel for him? Fuck, that asshole's full of himself. I can believe it though. He would stoop that low just to humiliate me. As much as I want to laugh at his effort, I really can't. He's raised the bar once again, and that means I'm going to have to go with another plan of attack here. Son of a bitch; making it harder for me...

I suddenly freeze in place as I hear Kyle shift around in his room, probably moving towards the window to close it. That would be just my luck. Well, it's late anyway. Like, one in the morning or something. I guess I could be going. After all, I have some pretty good info on him now. I'm not sure if it's info I'll be able to see or anything, but at least it's something that might help me out.

I scramble down the ladder as quickly as I can, literally diving into the bushes along the side of his house. Hopefully he didn't see me yet. God knows he would probably jump out of his window to the ground if he did. Or break his leg trying at least.

After waiting a few seconds, I peek up through the bushes, noting that he's too busy looking up at the snow to notice anything out of the ordinary. Now's my chance to escape. And even though I'm probably running the risk of him seeing me, I'll at least have a good head start if he decides to chase after me. Not that he could catch me anyway. I'm too damned fast. Sports do wonders; something he has yet to discover.

I figure now is just as good a time as any, so I dart out of the bushes, running as fast as I can down the street towards my house. I clutch the video camera tightly in my left hand as I sprint off into the night. I can practically feel Kyle's eyes on me as I run, but it really makes no difference to me now. I'm expecting him to confront me about this tomorrow; he always does. Again, it's something we both know. What he doesn't know, though, is that I will be the one ahead of him. When he makes his petty little claim, I'll just deny it and one-up him from there. Owning others is a talent I'm happy to have.

Think you can fool me, Kyle Broflovski? Think again.

Ah, so. Cartman's full of himself, right? Of course, it's pretty expected of him, I suppose. Still, I hope this answers (sort of) the question of what exactly Cartman recorded on his video camera, and what his motives behind it were (for those who have read DTM). If there's anything that I happened to miss, just shoot me a comment and I'll answer it for you. :)

That's all I have for now. Thank you so much for reading! And don't be shy; leave me a review telling me what you think so far. :D I promise I won't bite. I'll appreciate it if you do.

Until next time,

-Soul